Percy Weasley's Self-Created Joke Book

A note to the reader: I, Percival Ignatius Weasley, a famed individual high within the ranks of the Ministry of Magic publicly known to be working under the invaluable mentorship of the outstanding wizard Bartimeus Crouch, have often been shadowed by my younger twin brothers in the field of humor. Of course, I am a Prefect and former Head Boy, but a ridiculously large amount of people refuse to take this fact seriously, and so I must resort to keeping a joke book. Whenever I am struck with fresh inspiration, I will note down my last ingenious stroke and cast it down on parchment in the form of a joke. Hopefully, they can be selected at opportune moments of use and propel me even higher in the grand social scheme of things.

My, you look gleeful, Fred/George. What, have you gotten your Prefect badge late at last? Har har har…

Quite frankly, Ron, that's flawed logic. That's like saying you'll be promoted to Head Boy when you've never been made Prefect. Ha ha…

Why, the bottoms of these cauldrons! They're as thick as Mr. Crouch, and we all know how not thick he is! Get it? Thick means slow-witted, and Mr. Crouch is an absolute genius?!

Why the down face, Ginny? You look like Ludo Bagman dealing with actual work!

I have finally figured out why Fred and George have only scraped a handful of O.W.L.S. each, Mother. Perhaps there is some built-in system that fails people who disturb their older brother as he tries to write important papers for work!

Who needs Quidditch skills when you've got filing skills?

Ah, how I wish I could do a Vanishing Spell on your insolence!

The only thing that's the same about O.W.L.S. and N.E.W.T.S. is that you must have none for either of them!

Having fun is the ambassador of having no qualifications.

A rainy day is the perfect time to work, since all your siblings will be too busy sulking about the weather to take any notice of you.

You may be the more noticed wizard here, but keep in mind that the easiest way to stand out in department of brilliant wizards is by being a mediocre one!

You may scorn my ambitions, but I can scorn your lack of ambition.

Perhaps you find the sound of my last name comical, but I assure that you will not find your coming demotion so.

It's not that I never set aside any time to have fun, it's that what I do all the time is fun.

I was Head Boy because I was famous for my head. Ha ha!

It is all very well to polish one's Prefect badge, but just take care never to do so in public in case someone glances to look at your badge only to find it tragically momentarily obscured by your wiping cloth.

I say! You look happy today! And I thought you've only had one appointment with Mr. Crouch today…

It will be a good day when the Ministry bans illegal imports of cauldrons without the standard bottom thickness, but for now, we can only hope that regulations are simply tightened.

Abuse of power goes hand in hand with Mr. Crouch's opposition.

Father, although you make a smart point on the scant benefits of that law for people like us, you should also consider the overwhelming obstacles it makes for people we dislike.

Ha ha…writing Percy jokes is so fun because they're just so naturally…lame. Well, tell me what you think! Thanks!