Chapter 1:
Funeral Song
"I need you to do me a favor, Rachel."
"Of course Quinn, what do you need?"
Every time I try to catch Quinn's glance she pulls her eyes up to the sky, like she is fighting back more tears. I know she's in pain, but she won't tell me what's going on, and I've learned I can only push for so much from her before she pushes me away.
"I'm taking off before the funeral, but I need you to read this to everyone for me."
She hands me a crisp white piece of paper, folded meticulously into thirds. I can see her elegant script through the back side and admire the beauty of her trembling hands as her finger tips graze mine in the exchange.
"When will you be back?" I ask. I'll be leaving in a few weeks for New York City and I have been meaning to ask if she'd like to do something before I go.
"I'm not sure, Rachel."
Her tone is measured and cold, like she is holding onto herself so tightly that the blood circulating through her body can't make its way back to her heart. I haven't seen this Quinn since she lost Beth, and it kills me to see she her retract back to this façade after coming such a long way.
"Okay, well you have my number now… so please just do me the favor of calling me when you get to were ever you are going? I care a great deal about you, Quinn."
She nods, but I know she doesn't actually mean it. Her lie stirs up desperate feelings inside of me. I want to take her in my arms and let her cry into my hair. I want to kiss each trail down her sculpted face until all evidence of sorrow is gone. I reach out to take her pail hand, but as soon as my fingers intertwine with hers they jerk free of my touch and she takes a step back from me.
"Just read the letter, Rachel. That's all I need from you."
I feel a piece of my heart chip somewhere deep within my chest; a place where I've stored my longing for Quinn to accept me all my life. She turns and walks away from me, leaving her last words in my shaking hands.
For some reason, as I helplessly watch her walk out my front door I can just tell, she is walking out of my life. I may never see her again.
"Rachel honey, was that Quinn I just heard?"
"Yes, daddy… she gave me something she wants me to read at the funeral."
My father gives me a sad look of understanding and wraps me up in his embrace. No matter how old I get or how mature I've become I always feel like a helpless child in his arms. I resent that feeling, but don't have the heart to break free of his grasp.
"Well, sweetie… I suggest you let Mrs. Lopez know when we get there that you have a letter to read. It will make the service go smoother."
I nod my head into his chest and fight back my tears. I'm not sure if they are a result of losing Santana to death, or losing Quinn to Santana's death.
Catholic churches always make me feel like I am being judged from all angles. I was never raised with guilt, as Santana and Quinn were but I have seen how destructive it can be to a person's self image. There are rows upon rows of people staring at my fathers and me. Is it because they are gay and happily married? Is it because I am their child? Is it because I was raised Jewish, I mean the size of my nose is quite the indicator of my heritage? Or is it me they are judging?
Do they know I've had sex before marriage? Do they know I've cheated and I've stolen and I've even sent someone to a crack house only to secure my own future? Can they sense that I harbor feeling of the romantic variety for both men and women? Can they sense that I feel superior to every single one of them in every way possible? I cannot be so sure… but I don't like how easily there hateful stares make me question my validity as a person.
I take a seat in-between my father's near the aisle in the third pew. The Lopez clan sits directly in front of us and I never realized how large my deceased friend's family is. Maribel, Santana's mother is dressed in a black suit; she is majestic sitting rigidly next to her husband, clutching his hand like it's the only thing keeping them together.
Carlos, Santana's older brother is holding an infant in his lap. Santana once confided in me that little Carlito wasn't planned. Her brothers' fiancé was told she couldn't bear children, and during childbirth she gave up her life for his. It hits me that this young man who couldn't be any older than 25 has lost his lover and his baby sister in less than a year. I feel fortunate to have never experienced such loss before.
As I cast my sights from one Lopez to another for several more minutes and I recognize the faces I've seen around town throughout the holidays. Each face is striking and beautiful, but not a single one more beautiful than my fallen friend. Santana was always the most breath taking of anyone I knew. Apart from Quinn, I don't think I'll ever know a beauty as true as Santana was.
The service isn't happy, or uplifting. It's sad and emotionally draining and by the time it's my turn to speak I feel like I have nothing left. But I know Quinn is important to this town and these people, so with the letter grasped tightly in my hand I make my way passed her coffin and to the podium behind it.
The wood grain under my hands feels smooth, like it's been waxed just for this occasion. Every time I look up, the sea of sad faces make me want to break out into mournful song. I have a duty, though. With trembling hands I open up the piece of paper for the first time, and take a much needed breath.
"A letter from Quinn Fabray, to all of you."
My hands are visibly trembling and I can already feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, the sting choking me of my words.
"I miss the way she smelled. Her intoxicating nature made me feel as though I'm hanging from the tail of a plane cruising at 35,000 feet. Her mouth tasted like cinnamon Tic-Tacs, her bite set my lips on fire and her tongue made the roof of my mouth tingle; the sensation akin to a chemical burn.
I remember the sound of her laughter. Before I met her, I never thought a laugh could sound melodious and evil at the same time. I'd do almost anything to hear that sound once more. To be the cause of it… to be the one laughing with her.
I've felt her heart beat, a thousand times. Placed my hands, my ear, and my lips upon her chest and felt the not so steady thump of her heart trying to break free. She was always trying to break free.
I've spoken to her about anything and everything. I've called her name in surprise, in excitement, in love and in anger. Especially anger… I've made promises to her and I've kept secrets. I've hid her demons and boxed up her baggage. I've loved her so fiercely; it's stripped me of myself in ways that shouldn't be possible. She shouldn't be possible.
But she was possible, and she was mine. And not a single person knew of our love, because I was too afraid of what the world would say. I hid our love so well. I fooled the entire world into thinking she meant nothing to me, when in reality she was my world. Because of my crippling fear, the world will never get to see how much we loved each other. How beautiful we were together and how perfectly we fit. I found my twin flame, and now fate has burned me with her absence.
I cannot face you all; I cannot face what I have done. I made this amazing person live a lie, all because she loved me and I loved her. She has been taken from all of us now, and I am angry with myself for letting it happen. I am eternally sorry, but just know that I will never stop paying for this. I owe everyone in her life my sincerest apology. -Quinn"
I can no longer control the emotions coursing through my body. As the tears pour out from my eyes I feel the words I want the world to hear begging to be heard. Are they from Quinn to Santana? From me to Quinn? I am not so sure…
"Light reflects from your shadow,
It's more than I thought could exist.
You move through the room like breathing was easy,
If someone believed me
They would be as in love with you as I am.
They would be as in love with you as I am.
They would be as in love with you as I am.
They would be in love, love, love.
And every day I am learning about you
The things that no one else sees.
And the end comes too soon
Like dreaming with angels
And leaving without them.
And leaving without them.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
And with words unspoken
A silent devotion
I know you know what I mean.
And the end is unknown
But I think I'm ready
As long as you are with me.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love with you as I am.
Being as in love, love, love."
The last note rings out for what feels like a century. I have no more breathe, and I feel as though I might fall over in exhaustion. The faces of all my glee friends and their families look how I feel, and it's almost comforting that I am not along in this. Almost.
Gathering my composure, I refold the letter and make my way back to my family. They look proud of me, which makes me feel even sicker.
For the rest of the service I find myself counting the days until I get out of Lima, Ohio. Selfishly I wish for a better card dealt to me then Santana. She found love, and look where that got her…
The wake is filled with people of all races, ages, and persuasions; people from the church, glee members, relatives that live out in California all coming together to celebrate Santana's life. It took our only common bond in this whole worlds' death to bring us together and I find the principal heart breaking.
I'm sipping my 3rd glass of wine on one of the many couches in the Lopez house. Mercedes is sitting silently next to me, holding Sam's hand like it's her life line. Where is mine? Can I poll the audience? Maybe ask them how I am supposed to feel about all this? Can I phone a friend?
With that thought I reach into my purse to see if Quinn has called or texted me yet. When I am met with no new messages I hastily send a text to my father's letting them know I'm going out with the rest of glee club after the wake.
"So… Sam, have you decided if you'll be staying at McKinley next year?"
tbc
