What have I done? What have I done? The only person in the world I can trust anymore can't return the favor, thanks to me. I've lost just about everything I believe in (assuming I believe in something, or someone, which even that I don't know anymore). He was gone, and I had to find a way to go on without him. But I couldn't…. not without doing what I was given. What I was forced to be given. Alas, has returned to Earth at present…. Thanks to the Lord, I've been told. The Lord. Ha-ha, that's funny. That one to whom I've been praying so profusely to, which I still haven't gotten anything from. That one who's supposed to answer prayers and reestablish balance and prevent evil. That one who created life and all of humankind. Well, great job, "God," because you also formed the "angel" that turned on you and generated hell, Lucifer. Real smooth work, there.

And there I go, embracing the life of hatred towards the "great one above" and allowing Lucifer to reinstate his hold on me which, believe me, I'm aware of plenty. In fact, I'm so aware that I use the so-called gifts he gave me to kill. Well, I kill his kind, but it's still letting him claim me more and more every time I take advantage of my supernatural ability. And that's exactly why Dean doesn't trust me anymore. I didn't tell him at first, but what was I supposed to say? "Hey, Dean. Welcome back from hell. Let's go waste some demons. Oh, and by the way, we don't need the knife anymore; I can exorcise them with my mind, so don't worry." Actually, that may have gone better than how it turned out now. At least I wouldn't have hid it from him, which was a great move on my part. I was going to tell him eventually, he just found it before I thought out how to express it to him, and now all I can do is attempt not to piss him off more than I already have.

I should probably cut Dean some slack. He just came back from hell. I can't… I don't want to imagine what he must have gone through. He said it was like being gradually torn apart, ripped to pieces over and over again, and at the end of the day he would be offered to be released from the torment as long as he does the same to someone else. While he was revealing this to me, I could see the complete terror in his eyes, and as he went on I noticed how his muscles tensed up, as if they were waiting to be shredded up again. The tone of his voice, that quiet, reflective tone, scared me. I never believed my big brother, the one who always was the tougher man physically and emotionally, could have a weak moment like that. I would, no, will give anything, anything for him not to go through that over again; as long as he's with me, he won't.

I'm not losing my brother to anything or anyone, no matter what it takes.