Me in Wonderland.

By, The All Knowing God of Hats

(I hear all, see all, tell all, and know nothing…)

Disclaimer (because one of these days one of us may put a something clever in one of these things): Uh…I wish I owned Alice in Wonderland, but I don't, so that sucks. This story is about how I imagine I would react in the similar situations as Alice. Lewis Carroll is the man.

It's so fucking hot out, man. I thought to myself while I sat in the park pretending to pay attention to whatever it was my friends were talking about. I started staring at a flower, then I was all Dude, there's never once been a flower in this park. In my head. Then I saw a rabbit and was all "Hey guys, someone lost a rabbit and I want that fucking rabbit." But no one was listening, which I guess is fair since I wasn't listening to whatever they were saying. So I snuck up behind the rabbit and followed it like twelve blocks and then it went behind a door. Being a retard I followed this cute little bunny (in retrospect I probably should've thought about the fact it was talking obsessing over a watch like a fat guy waiting for KFC to open) and I fell. And I kept falling.

And I kept falling….

And I kept falling…

And I kept falling

And

I

Kept

Falling

Some

More…

And all the time I kept thinking I must've taken some great acid. Then I saw this kitchen set and I thought how does one access a kitchen while you're falling at half the speed of gravity. For those keeping score at home yes, you do fall at only half the speed of gravity down mysterious rabbit holes, and that speed is 4.9 meters per second.

Then I fell on a bunch of sticks, but I wasn't hurt so I was like "cool" and I started looking around because that's what you do after foaling down a magical rabbit hole. Turns out I was in a hallway. A hallways full of dramatic pause doors. Yes, doors, many doors, none of which knew the answer to my riddle because they are all inanimate. Then I saw a three legged glass table and was like, "I don't think I've ever seen a three legged table that was supposed to have three legs," It had a round glass top and in the middle of the top of the table was a little golden key. I said (to myself?) "That's a fucking small key."

Anyways, I found this little door. It was like 20 centimeters tall or something, and I thought That door must lead to rural China! (May I add that that was an incredibly cheap shot at our Asian friends and shouldn't be taken at all seriously…even if you do think it's funny.)

So I went back to the table and I can't remember what happened to the key, it might have turned to dust or something, if you find it e-mail it back to me. There was a bottle on the table now that said "DRINK ME," on it, and I was about to scold it for being so bossy and then I decided that it the bottle was to relay to me such a message the stuff inside was probably really strong alcohol. So I drank it.

Then I started shrinking so naturally I thought that this was some sort of elaborate Star-Trek-like situation and I pretended that I had a communicator in my hand and tried to contact the Enterprise. That didn't go so well, even when I pretended to be Scotty on the other end I still didn't get beamed anywhere, but by the time I was done with that game I had shrunk down to 10 inches and wouldn't shrink anymore.

Then I saw this egg and cheese croissant (they rock!) that said "EAT ME," And I thought That could be so wrong if taken out of context. Regardless, I ate it because why not?

Then I started growing.

Okay, gotta stop here and start a new chapter, I won't directly tell you to review, puts too much pressure on you, the reader (in case you thought you were a wizard, I clarified that you are the reader). Instead I put in a backwards subliminal message so that you'll review without the pressure of me telling you to.

.wieveR .weiveR. .weiveR .luaP dellik I .t'ndid I on ,tiaW .thgir ,hO .weiveR .weiveR .weiveR