Ok, so this is a very different take on this wonderful universe of which I do not own one single character. The first chapters might be a bit blurry, but you'll see what happens later.

I do not own any of these awesome characters.

3 ½ reasons men suck

Reason number 1 - Family

I

'Family…fish…foreskin…'

'Where in the world did you hear that word?' came a very concerned voice from behind the open refrigerator door. The kitchen was filled with unknown faces that kept staring at the little boy with huge blue eyes, who sitting in his 'Pocahontas' chair and giggling. He took his time observing the amused and worried looks on his relatives' faces and wondered briefly what they were all staring at, before taking his crayon box and proceeding to colour the pink unicorn, much to his father's disdain.

'First he says words like that and colours unicorns, next thing you know he'll introduce me to his fiancée, Derek.' the 5'9'' man shook his head and watched helplessly as his wife gave him a reproachful look and took her child into her arms.

'One more word out of you about this and you're sleeping on the couch the entire trip. Andy can love whoever he wants; we will still give him our blessing.' the woman's soft features had turned almost vulture-like while defending her son's future spouse preferences. It was clear to everyone in the room Crystal did not approve of her husband's commentaries and a general murmur erupted shortly after to cover the awkward silence.

The raven-haired woman stepped out of the crowded kitchen and into the dinning-room, carrying her son and straitening his jumper.

'You know it's not his fault he reacts this way. It's how we were raised, Crys.' a young woman appeared behind her, having broken free from the busy kitchen. She had her hair tied up in a short ponytail and looked quite amused of the whole scenario. She took the little boy from his mother's arms and started tickling him, gaining a warm smile from the other woman.

'It just makes me wonder how he will react when he meets my brother, that's all. I want everything to go as smoothly as it can and homophobe slurs are not wanted at our family reunion.' She sighed and pulled out a chair, sitting down gracefully. 'It's not the best idea Ruth had in the last year.'

'I thought Jason already met your brother.' The young girl smiled and gave her nephew a piece of chocolate, the little boy eating it greedily in a few seconds.

'He has, but at that time he was in a relationship with Carmen. Things have changed…' said Crystal and looked towards the kitchen door. 'We should have left 30 minutes ago. We're bound to run into the Smiths if we don't leave soon.'

'Still upset about the whole tree thing, huh?' the young woman smiled sweetly. Her features softened and she didn't look as tense as she had minutes ago. Standing in a room with just two people was a blessing after the week she had. It would have been a miracle to be alone as she had wished, but it was better than facing her brother's cousins any day. She couldn't relate to that part of her family, as much as she tried. It was never easy when she ran into any of them, seeing how she resembled her mother and they all thought she was the reason her father had left his first wife.

Nevertheless, she and her brother had a good relationship. He understood the fact that she wasn't the reason his parents had gotten a divorce. Plus, her father had left her own mother years ago, leaving them with nothing but pictures and a monthly mail. Things weren't so sweet in the Stackhouse family.

Crystal sighed, got up and went into the kitchen, where the loud whispers ended with Jason coming into the dinning-room, picking up his son and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

'We've got to go.' He said reluctantly to his sister and looked his watch. 'If we're not out of here in ten minutes, I'm afraid my wife is going to pull a Bobbitt on me.' He gave her a sly smile and placed his son on the floor next to him.

'Thanks for looking after him. Adele will be here tomorrow at 10. You be good, you hear?' he looked at the little boy and ruffled his hair. His son looked more like his mother than him, but everybody who knew the family was aware of the fact that he had Jason's personality.

'It's no problem. It's not like I had anything better to do.' She waved him off and stood up. 'Now, get your coat and get out. It's late and he needs to go to bed so I can go online and watch movies.'

'Don't give him any chocolate, he's apparently allergic to it.' Jason scowled 'I hope that's the only thing he's allergic to, or next thing you know…'

'He's a vegetarian and real men have to eat meat. Yes, we all know what your opinion on that subject is. Now go.' Sookie said with a smile and pointed her finger towards the open door, where their relatives had already started gathering and exiting one by one. There were at least 15 people in that room and they were all very noisy. Some came up to Jason's son and pinched his cheeks, something the little boy didn't care for, as he permanently shook his head and tried to break free from all those people.

After short farewells and a list of all Crystal's family numbers (just in case the boy was in mortal danger), they left. Sookie quickly dressed her nephew for bed, declined his offer to play with his GI Joe, which was dressed in a fluffy blue dress (Jason simply hated that doll) and went to the guest room, turning on her computer.

She sighed and looked at the colours on the monitor. Her mind had drifted into a seemingly secluded spot, where only she could enter. She clicked and typed, not registering what she was doing, it had just gotten into her reflex. After five minutes, her eyes focused on her Facebook page.

'Might as well change it.' She said matter-of-factly and proceeded to change her relationship status. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it would. After all, it was just a simple click away. But something tugged inside of her. She wasn't good enough for him. Or his uptight family. And she never will be.

They were so glad to have her in their house at first, but after a year, they felt she was holding their son back. They probably thought it was just a fling for her. She really thought they were in love – the sort of love you leave after things get boring, the type of love that is convenient. But to her it was much more. She hadn't left the country for him. And now she was unemployed, without a real house and without a boyfriend. He left her for the job she was offered a year ago. And she stayed for him. Tough.