A/N: Okay, so with this sweep of new characters, there aren't really any new fics about our old, original Degrassi crew. I always identified with Ellie, as a young teenager, when she was on the show, so I wrote this. (: It starts right after Whisper To A Scream. I also feel like adding, being one myself, that some things in this story may be a trigger for recovered/current "cutters", or SI-ers in general. Read with caution, please. (:
Ellie sat at the brown oak desk in her room, staring down the pocket knife sitting on the edge of it. It had been two weeks since Paige Mickelchuck, the last person in the world, had caught her in the middle of her dirty little secret. Since then, she'd been seeing Mrs. Sauvé twice a week. She hadn't really made much progress, because she just … couldn't talk. Not yet. But the counselor had clued her in to a trick that a lot of people- she refused to call them anything other than that- used. So now she wore an array of rubber bands around her wrist, snapping them whenever she started to space out, or whenever she normally would've turned to the razor blade.
But it wasn't the same.
Her mother was downstairs drinking herself out of her misery. They'd just found out that her father wouldn't be home for the holidays. And Ellie needed relief. She was snapping the rubber bands furiously- but it wasn't enough. Not today. Sighing at herself for being weak enough to need it, she grabbed the pocket knife and pulled up the sleeve of her black shirt. Wincing a little, she pressed the blade into her skin. Deeper, deeper… until she saw small dots of blood appear. Then, the dots got bigger, and bigger, until they all blurred into a line of red.
Ellie grabbed a tissue off of her desk and wiped the blood, simultaneously squeezing her arm in an effort to get more blood. Once she started this process, it was like she was possessed, and in a way, she was. The blood, the pain, it calmed her, it tranquilized her, it hypnotized her. It took care of her when no one else in the real world gave a damn. It was her sweet escape.
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew it was wrong. Knew that she shouldn't be doing this to herself. But she figured, if cutting herself, if it kept her alive, was it really so bad? She wasn't killing herself. Sure, the thought had crossed her mind, but then, when it did, she just cut herself, unable to press deep enough to end her life, and it was enough. It was enough to keep her living, to keep her sane, throughout the day.
Two weeks later, Ellie had cut many, many times since she'd relapsed. If that's what you want to call it. But she felt better… more alive, at least, than she had when she'd stopped cutting. So it couldn't be so bad, could it?
Could it?
Ellie sighed, and opened her closet, ignoring the sounds of her mother throwing up, despite the fact that it was 7:00 in the morning. Her mom hadn't been sober for months. When she started to sober up, just a little, it was time for more.
The young redhead picked her clothing out carefully, making sure that nothing she wore would in any way compromise the dirty little secret she hid under layers of clothing. Paige and Sauve were the only ones who knew- and she wanted to keep it that way. Paige continuously tried to hang out, start conversations, ask if the other girl was alright. Code for, have you cut again? The answer was yes, but it was so much easier to say "I'm doing great."
Lying was so much easier.
Marco… he was completely oblivious. To him, Ellie was just the cute punk girl that had helped him find himself, and now, she was his best friend. She felt terrible for not telling him her secret- but it was better that way. Marco had the tendency to over-obsess over everyone's wellbeing. He'd be shattered if he knew Ellie wasn't as perfect as she made seem.
Ashley, her "other" best friend, was too busy draping herself all over Craig. They were hopelessly obsessed with each other. It made Ellie sick, and a little mad. She vowed that if she ever dated again- which didn't seem likely in high school, at least- that she would never, ever ditch her friends that way. No way. Friends were forever.
Ellie snapped herself out of the spacey look she'd gotten and finished getting dressed, grabbing her black backpack off of the ground and running out the door, shielding her eyes from the terrible sight of her own living room. Bottles. Smoke. That ugly, green, stained couch. She couldn't bear to look at it. So she didn't. She ran.
She ran and ran, until she got to Marco's front door. Right on cue, he opened it and smiled at her. Ellie loved it when he smiled. It made her feel… like she mattered. Plus, he had amazing dimples when he smiled. Not that Ellie obsessed over it- she was totally over Marco.
He was gay.
Who someone is doesn't stop how they make you feel.
She had this internal argument with herself all the time. It frustrated her. Him discovering his sexual identity didn't mean her feelings for him automatically went away. They were still there. But that was something else that she would never, ever admit. It made her sick to look at him and Dylan. Not because they were gay. She was all for that. But… because it should've been her. Them. Together. In love- cheesy, stupid, high school love. But it wasn't.
"El? Ellie?" Marco snapped her out of her daydream, and she realized they were well on their way to school. She kicked a piece of ice on the sidewalk.
"Yeah?"
"I was saying, you've been… weird, the past couple weeks. Like… I don't know. Not my El." She blushed a little, thankful that it was cold enough that the redness in her cheeks could be explained, if not condoned. What he didn't know, is that the past couple weeks were the past couple weeks she'd once again started cutting.
"I'm fine, Marco. Just distracted. School, the co-op, worrying about my dad overseas…" Meetings with Sauve, her feelings for Marco, dealing with her drunken mother, not having any friends besides him… Ellie added mentally to her list. But she couldn't ever admit all of that to Marco.
It would ruin everything.
A/N: What do you think? I don't really have anywhere concrete that this story is going, I'm kind of letting it write itself, so I'm open to suggestions in form of reviews. Is the Ellie-liking-Marco thing too weird? I feel that's something that was never fully explained in the show- sure, after he "discovered" he was gay he and Ellie fake-dated for a while and then "broke up", but her feelings for him are never fully explained. I, for one, don't believe the attraction could've immediately gone away. Not how things work. Anyway, reviews make my world go around! Thanks. (:
