(A/N: Ok so I haven't been writing much lately and I wasn't planning on it soon because I'm super busy, but this came to me out of nowhere and I had to write it. Enjoy, and please review!)
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters are not mine, they are a lucky Brit's named J.K. Rowling.
I would be absolutely fine if it weren't for the fact that I'm absolutely not fine at all.
Sure, I put on a brave face. He doesn't know the half of it. When will he see? I've stopped actually trying. Trying only made things worse, you know. Drove him away. I am myself with him now. I can only hope he's begun to like me as a person.
I can be around him now. Without blushing and stuttering and feeling like I'm going to faint. But in place of those things, what do I have? A stabbing pain in my stomach, a deep sadness I can't figure out how to cure; even if I die trying, the sadness won't leave by itself. Am I actively attempting to get him out of my system? At times. I really really do want to get over him, if it's the best thing.
Yet I can't convince myself it is the best thing.
I see him with her. Oh, it drives me completely mad! She makes me see red, redder than my hair, and all I want to do is tackle her to the ground and hex her into next year. But....he wants her. He's happy with her. Can I really stand in the way of his happiness? Am I really that selfish, that cruel? I hate her with a burning passion. I care about him. This is the only thing keeping me from likely suspension, with what I'd like to do.
He's in constant danger. I worry about him like you wouldn't believe, or maybe you would, if you were in my situation. I worry that, if I never can tell him precisely how I feel, something will happen to him and I'll never get to. I need to try, for my own sake. And haven't I? Perhaps too much. Like I said, trying only made things worse.
I wait to get older, to get prettier, to be enough, and that's a terrible mindset to be in. Of course I am enough. He's just too daft to see it, is all. "Take your eyes off of her!" I want to scream at him when he's around her. I want to rip her shining dark hair from her head. Does he seriously prefer brunettes? I like my ginger hair most of the time. Maybe he doesn't.
Stupid boy. Why do I love you? Why do I dream of having you all to myself, when you've never thought of me that way? Younger sister, fellow Gryffindor, friend, perhaps. Nothing else. Not ever. Please see the light. I can't wait any longer.
I think I need to find someone else. I'm not exactly limited; there are plenty of boys hanging around. They think I'm pretty. If I find someone who's not....him, then maybe I can get myself to a healthier place. That's right. I'll forget all about his existence. He can sod off, for all I care. I have been giving it a go with other guys anyway.
WHO AM I KIDDING? Of course I care! I play these charades all day long, but I cannot lie to myself. I really can't. This is why, I'd be absolutely fine if it weren't for the fact that I'm absolutely not fine at all.
