The re-re-return of the Toxic Revenger

1 By Kelly Barina



"Lurking in darkness, protecting innocent citizens from the clutches of evil, defender of good. I am the Toxic Revenger!" I announced dramatically as I stood on a fence.

"Put a sock in it!" an angry civilian yelled as he hurled a shoe in my direction…and missed. Ungrateful fool. But I wasn't in this for the gratitude. I was doing it for the fame. Photo shoots, motion pictures, and little keychains with my name. Not Martin Short's. Not Michael Jordan's. Mine. Toxic Revenger. It had a nice ring to it.

"Look out evil, dastardly, bad guys! The Toxic Revenger is hot on your tail!"

"Shut up, stupid mallard!"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," I teased. Suddenly, a huge dictionary flew from out of nowhere and swept me from my perch. "Whoa! The Toxic Revenger will return again!"

I landed with a thump into an open trashcan.

"Sadist. Get lost, cat. This is my garbage heap," I snapped at the black creature sitting beside me. It hissed in annoyance as it slashed at my incredibly handsome body. "Hey! Knock it off! Hey! This suit is a rental! Ouch! That hurts! Yaaah!"

* * * * * * * * *

I gazed at my unusually quiet hometown. All of those defenseless inhabitants…all of them dependant on me, their only guardian. They need never fear! The Toxic Revenger is here!

"Ah ha! A no good criminal is tossing a lit cigarette onto a pile of newspapers!" I observed the careless person walking on the streets below. "Wherever there is wrongdoing, I'll be there! Wherever there is Michelle Pfeiffer, I'll be there! Wherever there is a diabolical lab filled with dangerous chemicals, I'll be somewhere else! Now I'm off!"

I spread my cape heroically and stood, waiting for the wind to take me in its arms and guide me safely to the ground.

"I said, 'I'm off!' Why isn't anyone paying attention to me?" I waited impatiently. It was so hard to find good help these days. "Come on you stupid bunnies! Turn on the fan!"

"No! You'll never take me without a fight! Come on! I can take you! Whasamadda? Are you afraid of fighting someone like me? Yeah! Go ahead and run!" Buster called, still in a restless sleep. Poor bunny lost his mind. I knew it would happen sooner or later. Bunnies are so senseless, ya know. Us mallards, on the other hand, come from a more intelligent species.

"Any time you're ready," I growled. Babs suddenly sat up and realized it was her cue. Duh.

"Buster! Get up!" she called as she shook him roughly.

"Come back for more, huh? Well, take this and this!" Buster yelled, throwing punches aimlessly in the air. Babs caught his fists and Buster opened his eyes in shock.

"Wha happen?" he asked, still in a daze. Then he collapsed in Babs' arms.

"Sorry, Plucky, we're gonna hafta go. Buster had a long night," Babs apologized.

"What was he doing?"

"He stayed up watching the late late late late movie last night."

"Great. Just great. Knowing that he has to be in my presence today, he still chooses to stay up late! Now how is he supposed to perform his best so I can look good?"

"He won't."

"Then you'd better work twice as hard for your little compadre over there cause I'm too cheap to hire another worker!"

"Yes, Mr. Scrooge." I shook my head. They leave me no choice but to deduct their pay. Babs flicked on the fan and I leaped off of the building, arms raised in the air.

"Up! Up! And up some more!" Wait a sec. I wasn't going anywhere! "Hey! Is that fan even on?" I glanced down at the pavement hundreds of feet below me. I had been suspended in mid air! Well, maybe if I just looked back at the sky, I'd stay up here longer… "Yaaah!" I flew through the air and smashed into the cement road.

Beep! Beep! A bus' horn honked as it sped toward me.

"Oh no," I muttered in fear. The wheels ran over my bruised yet handsome form.

"Ow. That's gonna leave a mark," Babs responded, an evil grin spreading across her face. Stupid bunnies. Jealous of my success. My fame.

I pulled myself to my feet and staggered toward the cigarette laying on the bundle of newspapers. I snatched the cigarette off and held it up triumphantly.

"Another feat accomplished by the brave, brilliant and currently single hero, the Toxic Revenger!" Suddenly, the cigarette began burning up. Then it started to burn my feathers! Before I was able to throw it on the ground, the small flame burned my body! I disintegrated into a pile of dust and the cigarette landed on the newspapers and it burst into flames.

Oh well. Can't always be perfect.

"Halt, criminal!" I called. I quickly pulled myself together and chased after the man who had committed the terrible assault and left the cigarette to scorch a nearby Chinese restaurant. Oh well. They shouldn't be here anyway. Let them go back to the depths of Australia or wherever it is they came from.

"Stop! In the name of justice and Steven Speilburg movies!" The business man glared at me in annoyance.

"What do you want? I'm late for work!" he snapped.

"You obviously don't know who I am," I stated proudly. "I am the Toxic Revenger, defender of good!"

"I couldn't care less if you said you were Bigfoot! Now get lost!"

"Come with me quietly, or I will be forced to use brute strength," I flexed my large muscles to prove my point.

The business man slammed me over the head with his heavy briefcase and stormed off.

"Thank you for cooperation!" I muttered as stars circled my head.