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Derek hated cases like this when he felt guilty for not being good enough and like shit afterward. It made him weak, and he didn't allow himself being like that. At those moments Derek couldn't keep his inner walls up, and the voice of Carl Buford haunted him at this time more than ever. Nothing would stop this man from talking about the worse things he did to Derek.

And this time, Derek felt like he couldn't fight against a memory of Carl Buford once more. Derek wanted silence, nothing more. So, after he'd shook off Penelope, Derek joined the first bar he'd found on Friday evening. He'd felt even worse, refusing Penelope's offer to join him, because he knew, the only one who'd be able to help him through hard times was her. Derek loved Penelope profoundly and trusted her like no one else. But he'd felt weak and didn't want Penelope to see him like this. Derek also knew she wouldn't mind, but it was complicated.
He was complicated.
Derek saw himself as a broken man. He couldn't overcharge her willing to help him. Especially after those cases, Derek felt like it would never get better at any point. He felt helpless, and like a burden, and that was the reason why he had refused Penelope's offer. So, Derek Morgan did what the profiler was good at.
Derek drank until he thought he wouldn't feel anything anymore and brought the first woman who jumped on him, home to his bed to fuck her into unconsciousness. The woman, he didn't even remember her hair color had left his house before he'd woken up without a message. And also if he'd felt more empty than before, Derek was glad she'd left him alone.
On Saturday morning, Derek could still hear the haunting voice of Carl Buford, he even felt the man's touch on his skin. That caused Derek to get out of his bed, feeling dizzy and with a severe headache, to take a long hot shower. He scrubbed his skin until all he felt was some pain where he'd cleaned himself up. Derek dressed and walked downstairs to get himself some coffee. He felt worse than before, just like the piece of shit he was, Derek thought to himself as he found a cup. He drank his coffee in silence, thinking about to call Penelope. Derek wanted nothing more than to feel better. He sighed and decided against it.
It was too complicated.
Penelope was his best friend, but he loved her, and his feelings confused and frightened him, especially in the last few weeks. How could she have the same feelings towards him? Haunted by nightmares, a burden to her. Derek didn't feel worth her love. He wasn't worth anything.
Derek turned on the TV and stared at the screen without realizing what he was watching.
Derek drank the last few sips of his coffee and decided to go out, having a few drinks in another bar. It was almost 1 pm so it would be okay to start drinking. He grabbed his cell, keys and his wallet and headed out of his house, locking the doors behind him.
It didn't take him long to find a bar and a barkeeper who served him the drinks he asked him for. Also, it didn't take Derek Morgan just a few hours to get drunk again. But this time he didn't jump on the first woman who tried on him. This time he fumbled out his cell, barely able to hold it.
All he wanted was to hear her voice.
Penelope.
He couldn't really see what he was doing, his view was too blurry. Derek saw everything twice, also he swayed even in his sitting position.
The barkeeper saw him fighting with his cell and walked over to Derek.
"Need some help, man? May I call someone for you?" Derek heard someone ask him and looked up, trying to get some hold in gripping the table with one hand.
He recognized the man who'd helped him, feeling numb again and nodded.
"Penelope," was all he managed to slur, but it seemed like the man had understood him because he dialed a number after he nodded towards Derek.
He closed his tired eyes, only hoping that Penelope would find him anytime soon. Derek just wanted her to hold him, he couldn't stop his feelings or fight against them anymore.
Craved for her like she was his life essence.
Derek needed her, and in the drunk state he was, he couldn't stop himself from asking for her to help him.


Penelope woke up on a warm Saturday morning. Spring was about to show his first signs and Penelope loved this part of the year. But this morning, she couldn't focus on the birds she was able to hear through her open window. Her mind flew to Derek, hoping he was doing alright for now. Soon, she realized that she couldn't wait for him, to call her. She needed to see him as quickly as possible. Penelope knew Derek was struggling after a severe case had gone rigorously wrong last week. She knew it. But she'd respected his wish when he told her he wanted to be alone for the weekend.
Penelope also knew it wasn't right, what he was doing, cutting himself off. And on this morning, while she had her first cup of coffee, she decided she would have a look at her best friend and the silent love of her life in the afternoon. Carefully taking a few sips of her steaming hot coffee, Penelope remembered how devastated Derek had been after they came back from Ohio yesterday:

Like every time, Penelope waited in front of the elevator to greet the team and gave everyone a hug full of Penelope Garcia love. Derek was the last one to hug, and he refused to look her in the eyes before she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. He tensed in her arms but brought his arms around her waist to hold her close.
"Hey Handsome, can I do anything for you?" Penelope heard herself asking while she began to worry about her best friend. She'd imagined he would be exhausted and emotionally drained but that look in his eyes...it almost scared her. Derek seemed so far away when he finally shook his head, after some endless seconds.
"No. Guess I'll just need some time alone to get my things back in place," Derek murmured, still not looking Penelope in the eyes. She brought both of her hands to his cheeks and caressed him softly with her thumbs. Just then he took a look at her. His whole appearance carried a sense of sadness, but a look in his eyes made it much worse for her.
"Are you sure? I have no plans, I could join you," she suggested, but Derek pulled away from her and shook his head. He didn't say anything more before he walked away.

Sighing, Penelope decided that she couldn't wait until the afternoon. She would have some breakfast, take a shower, then she would pack her go-bag, even if Penelope had many clothes at Derek's, she decided to grab some more clothes...just in case. She would pick up some of Derek's favorite movies and snacks. With all these things Penelope would show up and wouldn't leave him today. Deep inside her, she knew, Derek needed someone at his side, even if he didn't realize it for the moment. Penelope smiled at her plan and nodded to herself while she poured herself another cup of coffee. That was the plan, and this time, Penelope wouldn't let him pull away again.
"No way Derek Morgan," she said to herself before she took a bite of her breakfast. There was no chance for him to suffer alone. She'd let him be for one night, but, Penelope decided, she wouldn't leave him until he felt better.
Derek Morgan, her Noir Hero, meant the world to her. She would show him, no matter how much time she would need, that he wasn't alone, that he hadn't had to go through his suffering all on his own. Penelope could carry some of his weight to make it easier for him. Just to be honest, she would do anything for her best friend and love of her life.
Full motivation she started her day after her delicious breakfast. Penelope cleaned the table, did the dishes, packed her bag and left her apartment at 11 am in the morning. She headed to the next supermarket and decided to buy enough things for a few days. Penelope knew that if Derek was suffering, and she for sure knew he was, he wouldn't leave his house. He would face his demons in there and try to fight them, like every time. Penelope didn't know what was waiting for her behind Derek's doors, how could she? But indeed, she was hoping he would let her in. Not just into the house, but into him, so she would be able to help him through his grief. Penelope knew he would take it as his fault. Heading to Derek's house, she thought of the case, that had gone so wrong. Three innocent children had died. Derek had been able to save one, on his way back to the other three, the UnSub had shown up and killed them. The last child had been killed in front of Derek's eyes. He'd shot the UnSub promptly, but that didn't ease the pain, Derek felt for not being fast enough. Penelope knew him long enough now, she'd seen it in his eyes. But it wasn't his fault, it was no one's fault but the UnSub's who'd killed the children after kidnapping them three days before. That child who Derek had saved still hadn't talked about what had happened to him. But the young boy, with only nine years of age, had several wounds on his body, caused by a cigarette or a belt. They'd also found signs of rape.
Penelope shivered as she thought about that innocent child who had to carry all these things with him for the rest of his life. But she also knew that it would affect Derek. She didn't know why exactly, but Penelope sensed that there was something more about Derek, that he hadn't told her yet.
Penelope stopped her car right in front of his house after she'd checked that his car was in the driveway. She tried to carry all of her things together to the front door, but it was just too much, so she walked three times until she had all her stuff ready in front o his door. It had taken her three hours to get here, and she was relieved to finally be able to knock on his door. Penelope also rang the doorbell, just in case he didn't hear her.
Penelope could hear muffled voices from the inside, but nobody opened the door.
"Derek?" She called out, trying to look through the window of his living room, Penelope realized then that the TV was on. He had to be at home. So, she searched for her cell phone and dialed Derek's number, trying to call him. Her call went straight to his mailbox.
Sighing, she kneeled down with her purse to search for the key, Derek had given her a few months ago. He'd told her back then, that she was welcome at any time and Penelope would take him at his words.
Finding her keys, she unlocked the front door and called out for Derek so he would know she was here. She then brought all of the stuff inside, she had with her.
Just then Penelope started to look for Derek, but found out soon, that he wasn't home.
Sighing, Penelope sat down on his comfortable couch in his living room. A few seconds later she'd decided to wait for him until he would come home or call her because she knew what he was doing. He did it a lot the last time. Going out, having a lot more than a few drinks to numb whatever was haunting him.
But this time, Penelope Garcia wouldn't let him do that. She would stay at his side and help him through the things he was struggling with.
Rosing to her feet, Penelope decided to prepare a little meal for him. Derek would need it after he'd come home. It was soon after she'd finished fixing dinner when her cell phone rang. Penelope quickly picked it up, realizing with a relieved sigh that it was Derek who was calling her.
"Derek, are you alright?" Even if she felt relieved that he'd called her, she was anxious about his mental state.
"M Sorry, mam, this isn't Derek. But he is at my bar and tried to call you...," a stranger answered and Penelope's heart dropped. He'd tried to call her, that meant, Derek must be very drunk if he wasn't able to make a call anymore.
"I pick him up, where can I find him?" She asked in a tearful, shaking voice.
The man told her the address, and Penelope quickly headed towards the bar, which was very close to Derek's home. She parked right in front of it and opened the passenger's door so she would be able to get him into her car most easily.
Penelope quickly headed inside and saw the man she loved so much immediately.
"Derek," she whispered, barely able to hold her tears back when she walked over to him. Derek didn't recognize her at first, but when she sat down beside him, he managed to look up. After a few tries, he found her face with his red-rimmed, glassy eyes. Penelope could see that he could barely focus on her.
"Baby Girl," Derek slurred in a hoarse and also tearful voice.
"I need ya," he also managed to say, more slurring than anything, but she understood him. So she pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him.
"I'm here now," she whispered in his ear when he leaned his head against her shoulder. "Let's get you home, Handsome."
"Help me...," he begged her as if he had to say that.
"Good, that you ask me to because I won't leave you, that's a promise. But I have to get you into your bed, Hot Stuff. Can you help me and stand up, walk with me to my car?" She asked him with a soft, still tearful voice. Derek nodded and slowly pulled himself out of her embrace. They struggled a lot but managed to get him out of his seat. Derek barely could set one foot in front of the other, but the barkeeper helped them to get him into Penelope's car. She fastened his seatbelt and closed the door.
"Thank you," she said to the barkeeper who just nodded. He then headed back inside, and Penelope got back into Esther to drive Derek to his home.