Author Note:
Well, I'm not really sure if this counts as a note. I mean, it is text. Not like one of those yellow sticky notes...
I think they get it.
So, we were bored, so we snatched a person of the female persuasion's copy of "Twilight", so we could spoof it.
We like making fun of stuff. It makes us happy.
So, good luck reading this. If you're a fan of Monty Python...and you look for Twilight parody...
Dude, we can't compete with MONTY PYTHON.
...Yeah...well... Basically, we were bored. And we were told we couldn't touch the dehydrated coffee creamer, so we can't go make brightly colored fire in my backyard. And I'm normally a cartoonist sort and he's normally too OCD to be anything but a ghost writer so...
GO FORTH BOLDLY AND AVOID TROLLS! They're EVERYWHERE. Even in this piece of writing, I think.
Oh, and if you give us a review there will be more happy Mormons in the world that aren't being rick-rolled. Well, maybe. At least Cleverbot will know less slang.
Disclaimer: We don't own anything mentioned (even ourselves—we're part of our government's inventory). We don't own Hipster Kitty, Insane Wolf, or Sad Keanu either. We just got bored looking at memes... (We're also sorry if this is a letdown since we spend far too much time arguing with each other and not writing because we're violent individuals who bite. Sorry. And that was partially sarcasm, so sorry for that, too.)
(Why are we here again?
We got an account.
Why?
Casper has one!)
Prologue/Preface/General Opening Thing-y
So, we open to see a creepy stalker dude from the POV of Bella Swan. She refers to him as the hunter, as if that's supposed to make us confused about who he is even if we've been forced to suffer through the movies with a pair of chicks.
Oh, and he's not Edward Cullen. He's a different sort of stalker.
Said guy then advances on Bella, who has poetically described her own potential death in seconds poetically.
That's it.
...Sadly (or luckily, depending on what you think).
We're not sure how it's seven hundred or so pages about now. But it makes sense how they made a movie out of it now.
We do know that right now two dudes outside the dance studio (JAMES IS THE GUY IN THE KILT WHO'S ALWAYS WATCHING US WHEN WE PICK UP THE DANCERS WE KNOW—GASP!) are standing outside in a tiger suit. Why? Well, that's their tribute to Monty Python and the Meaning of Life, since they're not old enough to be pirates.
Plus, they have no reason for really being in the dance studio right about now, since it's Bella Swan and she's mediocre and she's not stretching or wearing a leotard.
(The Spock of us just grimaced at the imaging. Poor Spock...)
(RANDOM) FADE OUT:
Now, we're watching Bella through a button cam. Yes, we are. How? We don't know. We can also hear her thoughts. A-MA-ZING!
No, we don't sparkle. Thank goodness.
And only one of us is brooding. Score!
The Game—we won it.
...Now, back to our view and our chosen victim's thoughts.
She's currently commenting on the sky, how it's clear and not cloudy (we think, we don't want to read the paragraph over again, however).
She also magically knows it is exactly seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, because she watches the news in the morning, unlike the average teenager. She's such a rebel. Don't you want to hug her? No? Throw a pie in her face?
...Okay, okay, back to the story here...
Bella POV
So, like, yeah. I describe my outfit, because I love my clothes. But I don't dress nicely according to miss fashion-forward who won't stop writing about my life. I'm serious, it's annoying.
Oh, yeah, and I'm bringing a parka. It gets cold in Forks.
Yeah, Forks. Not Spoons or Sporks or Spock (hehe, I made a funny). It's on the Olympic Peninsula (not where they have the Olympics, though, so it's totally boring), in Washington (State). It's dreary and I hate it. But I'm a martyr and my mother needs to get a life and grow up finally since she, like, totally neglected me my whole life.
So, yeah, I'm going to live with my Dad, who acts quite unlike the average father figure in this modern age. He will probably expect me to cook for him and act like a wench, but I'll do it because I love him. Even though, you know, I barely know him. My Mom likes him, though; she just couldn't get him to leave Forks.
It's all very strange and I don't try or even attempt to understand it. But Forks is a Piney place so I suppose it makes sense. I'm just so not getting married until I'm, like, old.
Anyway, it's like omnipresent and stuff and my Mom totally escaped when I was a baby. I plan to escape, too. Even though I'm going willingly when I could home-school and, like, tag along with my Mom and boyfriend.
But, yeah, there's no such thing as that in this world, because, like home-schooling is for geeks. And that's rather odd, too, because my inventor is a Mormon. But I guess that would totally ruin the idea.
Anyway, I was going to be very sad. After all, I loved Phoenix—all sunny and bright and big with tons of people. And this totally, like, contradicts the fact I don't like people, crowds, or, you know, social stuff (like the two new authors I have!). But I totally make it work.
I have a huge fan base after all.
Well, my two future love interests do. But, shhh! No one knows about that yet!
Now my Mother was saying bye—and "Bella" because she says that a lot. Unfortunately, she forgets just about everything else and I have to remind her to do everything.
It's amazing I survived childhood.
Oh, and also, after my crazy childhood, I can now see "sacrifice" in people's eyes. Which is, like, amazing, because, well, you know, most people can't read faces at all.
Well, my two new authors at least.
Okay, so now I'm planning my flight. In that moment, I act as OCD as Cujo (the underlined author), because I know the exact times. But it seems I'm very OCD in general by now, noting everything—even the fact that I look exactly like my Mother, which is odd since I'm normally compared to my father, aren't I?
I then, after my flights which aren't mentioned at all (I guess I sat alone and did nothing the whole time, didn't even have to fit into a cramp bathroom and get scared by the flushing toilet like one of my new authors did on his flight to Germany).
Oh, and look! I'm not a Mary-Sue, I made a typo! See, it's supposed to be "cramped" but I put "cramp"!
Okay, so back to my story.
My father and I say hi awkwardly and get in his car and stuff. We don't do much after that, since neither of us likes to talk much.
Oh, and then I'll tell you a bit more. You know, about everything?
Charlie—my father since I have to be a hipster and call him by his first name to show how much I detest him even though he's letting me move in with him.
He's also going to help me get a car. But I can't help but be ungrateful, because, you know; I just chose my own virtual prison for the next—well, how many years? ...Two? I start off as sixteen and I don't even care I'm getting stalked?
Dang, did I even grow up in a city...?
I guess Phoenix wasn't as Shawshank Redemption-y as it's made out to be. You know, with drug cartels and...
A/N:
Yeah, Cujo stole my keyboard a few times. Like at the end. Anyway, we're stopping at page...five?
That's it?
Yeah.
But, I do have some questions. How do so many people suffer through this? How did someone suffer through writing it?
They got by on being addicted to adjectives. Well, until next time, folks...
We're not going to continue?
We can't continue after the A/N, (insert offensive term of choice here).
Meanie... But this is giving me a headache anyway, so...
Troll Face: Now, I shall give you a task to do. See, this is how you get INFINITE REVIEWS. You push the little button below, then type up a review—not as anon. Then you submit the review. Author(s) will then be compelled to review your work. INFINITE REVIEWS!
For infinite PMs because you're bored, insult the author outrageously. It's generally provoking to call one "Jersey Devil" and the other "fairy". It makes them annoyed. Or you could just put "BUT I LOVE EDDIE!1! AND YOU CAN'T INSULT TWILIGHT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE MOVIE/READ IT!111"
It generally has the same effect.
Oh, and if we do get any attention, negative or positive (we're like dogs, we don't give a [insert swear word of choice here]), we may continue this...through the whole book/series. Maybe we'll just read the Spark Notes or whatever variant, though...
Yes, we are that lazy. We can't even read the teen variant of children's picture books. I'd probably finally read the last book of the Foundation Trilogy than read all that. And it took me months to finish the first two.
The Foundation Trilogy is freaking hardcore skiffy, obviously, for those of you not trained in classics past...what is the book in the Twilight book everyone likes?
No clue.
Well...BYE.
END SCENE: