Chapter One - say hello to goodbye, again

* okay, so this is the sequel to Death of an Angel. In which I hope you enjoyed. So if you thought the last one was depressing, this might just be even more so CAUTION. Lol. Anyways no haters please and read and review* (read Rachellovesyou6 stories, there awe-struck) ;1

I don't own Degrassi, even though I wish I did, but I do own a stuffed animal that's a monkey-by the way, his name is monkey- I got him when i was 3 so don't judge me :3

Name- Clare D. Edwards

Gender- Female

Date Of Birth- June 15, 1995

Height/Weight- 5'3~ 127

Eye Color-Blue

Hair Color- Reddish, Brown, or Auburn

Cause of Death- Over dose of drugs and alcohol

Full Summery-

He loved her with all his heart, and before he knew it, she was gone before his eyes. Clare is dead, because of him-so he thinks. He blames himself for her death, just like Julia. Will Eli ever get over her? Or will he have to cope with the memories and pictures of them together? But something very strange happens, or is he just going crazy? -sequel to 'Death of an Angel'

I did it again, the love of my life, gone. The person I loved the most taken from me. Devastated, heartbroken, completely and utterly lost without her. Without her, I'm just a shell of a body, a body that once had a soul that was alive and full of spirit, now wasting away. She was the sun, my sun. The one who lighted up my darkest cave. The one I cared about the most. Who I let slip away. Who I want back. Who I loved. Who I still love. Who I never stopped loving.

This is why I promised to never love again. I keep losing the things that matter to me most. The ones I love. The ones that changed my life for good, and for bad. Who turned my world upside down in the best way possible. And I ruined it, again. I can never love again, it's just not possible for me, never. I herby vow to never love again, because every time I do. There gone before I even have the chance to say bye. I still want her. I still need her. I still love her.

God I miss her. I miss Clare, my Clare. I miss calling her mine, her sweet taste, her soft, gentle touch, the sweet aroma of her favorite perfume. The way she stood out from the rest. The way her smile could brighten up even my darkest days. The way her blue eyes could shine even through the darkest night. The way her soft, curly, auburn hair was like the best thing in the world. I missed that. I missed her. I still do.

It's only been two weeks after Clare's death. She died of over dose of drugs and alcohol. Why she did it? Depression, depression because of me. I put to much pressure on her. I put to much stress on her. I put to many worries on her shoulders just to keep her close, but how did that work out for us? We break up; I go crazy and crash Morty, but I'm the one who lives. It should had been me. I should have died that night. Sure Clare would be upset, but not for a long time, I just know. She'd realize how much pressure, stress, and worry I put on her. She'd then realize she never needed me, or even wanted me. I just know. Clare died, because of me, it's not like I've never done it before.

Ever since her death I've been locked up in my room. Crying when I though of her. Sleeping-if I could- to bring back memories, but they always seem to turn bad, every dream was like… Like a beautiful nightmare, only because when I wake up, she'd still be gone. She is out of my life forever, and I would do anything, anything in the world to get her back. I'd pay the Devil my soul if I had to. But I can't.

The last time I left my room was just about a week and a half ago, a few days after Clare's death, but only to go to her funeral-in which I was crying the whole time. Everyday seems to get worse and worse without her. I haven't slept nor ate in days, and I'm surprised if there are even anymore tears I could cry, but there always are, there always will be.

Clare was my other half, the one who completed me, who made me, me. I hate having that part of my heart ripped out of my chest. It is safe to say I can't live without Clare. All I have to keep me alive right now are memories of us. Of her.

When Julia died, I didn't think I could go on with my life, I thought I would never be the real me again. But when I met Clare, she brought almost all of me back. She changed me in new and great ways. That's what I loved about her, but there was much more to love than that. She was so much more than just another pretty face. But when Clare went, I knew it was over. I am done. I can't do this anymore. I can't take it.

Suicide. Such a disgusting word. It even tastes foul in the mouth, especially when you've thought about doing it. But I know killing myself isn't an option. That's just the easy way out, and I could never do that.

All the teachers and students know that Clare died. It was a huge shocker to everyone. At school she was so nice to everyone, grades were good, perfect attendance, and there was always a smile on her face, even when she herself was having a bad day. She made everyone happy. Especially me. Just to see her once a day made me the happiest man alive, but now, I don't feel much like a man. I feel like a loser, an idiot, a selfish jerk who was searching for something more than I needed, I know that now. All I needed was Clare. I need her more now then ever.

When Fitz came back, and Julia's death date came around something inside me changed, I didn't want to admit it to myself, but it sure did show. That's when Clare herself started to change, and there were the signs, but I missed them, thought they were nothing, but now, she's gone. But only because of me. I got clingy, pulled her in only to make her push away. And here we are now. The love of my life, dead and now in peace-because she's away from me- and me, lost and alone.

Every morning, 5 days a week, I had to get up, get ready, and go to school. That, for me, was hell. The worse part was going to my locker to not see her getting items out from her own, to go to English and seeing Mrs. Dawes trying to hold herself together. She would get upset at times. But the worse of it all was not being able to turn around and see her sitting there either biting her pen or lip in frustration, seeing her smile as she wrote or edited my paper, all I see now is the desk of Clare Edwards, empty.

When Clare started changing, her grades fell, from all A's to C's and D's. That was so unlike her, she never had anything below a B-. We both were falling behind. We just didn't care anymore. Clare started changing her appearance too, from skirts and flowery tops to blue jeans and casual T-shirts. She started acting different, she asked for room, and I tried giving it too her, but when she saw the gun, she pulled me right back in again, that only made things worse. Before, all Clare wanted to do was hang out after school and on weekends. We had movie nights every other Friday, but we canceled, and just stopped. All the signs were there, I saw them, I read them, but I never did what they were told.

I'm sure Clare's parents are just as sad as mine. But I, I'm just flat out indescribable. I can't go a day; scratch that, an hour, maybe even less without thinking about her. But when I do think of her I cry, I cry like the little, vulnerable baby I am and always will be. When I have these so called 'flashbacks' of us at a happier time, I freeze up. I can't move. Can't breathe. I can't do anything but accept the aching pain that comes within my chest-my heart, and wait for reality to come back again.

*okayy... soooo, what-cha think? Depressing? Hmm lol. *sniffle* ANYWAYYYS I really, really liked how this turned out. Did you? I sure hope you did, I want this chapter to be perfect, I've worked all day and night the past week editing it, with NO help cause I'm the bomb like tick tock aha anyways Tell me what you thought in reviews please :3*