It's deepest night, it's dark outside. Lexie can hear the rain patter against the window of Mark's room. It's a weather which fits perfectly to her mood. She was always known to be the sparkly one. To be shiny and happy, no matter what happens. She's known for her motivating speeches and her smile on her lips. She never lost her personality, even she was all alone and felt totally terrible. But this night, her world fell apart. She tried to be herself, she tried to be the Lexie Mark's used to know. She sat next to him, holding his hand and smiled. The whole night long. Her face already hurts because of this fake smiles. Lexie knows that she doesn't need to do this. She knows that Mark would understand if she breaks down or finally starts to cry. But she just can't allow it. Not in front of him. She promised herself to be the strong one. To support him and stand by his side, no matter what will happen. And she wants to keep the promise.
Lexie slides her fingers through her hair and lifts her head. She stared at Mark's blanket since more than an hour, and now her neck begins to hear. Slowly turning around, she watches out of the window. She can see the drops of the rain, but nothing more. It's so dark outside, the sky is full of black clouds. She so wishes that she could lay down next to Mark, put her head on his chest, close her eyes and fall asleep. She wishes that she could forget everything, at least for just some hours. But she isn't tired. It's not fatigue she feels inside her, it's exhaustion. It's misery. She feels broken and down, and she can't to anything to make her feel better. Or to make Mark feel better.
She softly squeezes Mark's hand in hers, then she puts it onto the bed. She slowly stands up and looks at his face once more. Lexie memorizes his face. Every single part. From his beautiful blue eyes which are closed now, over to his nose and his mouth with his lips which can kiss her so soften. She memorizes every pore and the few little wrinkles his has. Then she feels the urge to cry. Stronger than before. She bends down a little bit and kisses her boyfriend softly on his forehead. "I'll be right back..", she whispers quietly, with a broken voice. Well, she knows that he can't hear her, but she just doesn't want to leave without telling him.
As she steps out of the room, Lexie quietly closes the door behind her. She doesn't want to wake him up, he shall not think she'd leave him alone. With the tears burning in her eyes, she walks throught the hallways, searching a place where she can break down. She already feels the first tears falling down on her check, but she's to exhausted to wipe it away. With trembling legs, she turns a corner and almost runs into someone. She lifts her head and quickly wipes her tears away. It's one of the new people. Her name is Abby, she thinks. Mumbling an apologize, she takes a step back and turns around. Since she doesn't really has a place she wants to go, she just starts to walk in the opposite direction. After some minutes, she recognizes where she is. She's in the hallway besides the stairs. And there is none, because almost everybody in this hospital takes the elevators. Lexie slowly walks near the walls, till she arrives the door. She pushes it and enters.
"Hello?", her voice sounds so small and broken. Since she gets now answer, she assumes that she's alone at the stairs. Thank God. Lexie doesn't even have the power to make her way over to the stairs, she just leans against the door. The tears fall down more quickly than before, she can taste the salt of it on her lips. She feels so helpless, so hopeless. She never felt really hopeless before and it's not a good feeling. It's one of the most terriblest feelings ever. And she just can't lose hope. She needs to fight. But.. Mark has cancer. They don't know what kind of cancer and in what stage yet, but he has cancer. He could die. There is a possibility that he could die. Mark could die.
Her tears went from bad to miserable. Lexie wraps her hand over her stomach and slides down to the ground.
Hugging her knees into her chest, she closes her eyes. She can't imagine a life without Mark. She just can't. If he dies, she'll die to. Just that simple. There is no world for her without him. She can't live without him. Slowly putting her head onto her knees, she takes a deep breath. She knows, she should calm down and go back to him. She should screw the odds. But she can't. The tears don't stop falling, her face is already wet and her eyes more than red. She sobs without ending, as suddenly a white flash shortly brightens the stairwells. Lexie just lifts her head as she hears a huge thunder. A big thunderstorm is coming.
Lexie carefully stands up. She feels miserable, but this thunderstorm could wake Mark up. And she wants to be by his side went this happens. With trembling hands she opens the door and leaves. She walks through the hallways with slowly steps, till she appears in front of Mark's room. Another thunder sounds and she hurrie to enter. As she turns around to close the door again, she quickly dries her face.