The Auction

Disclaimer: I own nothing, so don't sue; you'll waste a sh**load of money.

Chapter One - Vince's News

They had no idea why Vince had called this meeting, save only for the fact that he was planning on revealing a new idea to them. And so the superstars and Divas of World Wrestling Entertainment gathered together in one of the large conference rooms at the hotel in Boston they were all currently staying at. The superstars grouped together on one side of the room, while the Divas claimed the other. It was a nice spring day, and quite a few of them weren't happy they had to attend a meeting on their day off.

John Cena sat glowering at the podium as if it had seriously offended him before glancing at his watch and sighing in annoyance. He had less than two hours before the first pitch was thrown at Fenway Park, and if he missed it he was going to be seriously pissed. Randy Orton sat with him, smirking at his best friend's annoyance. Hunter Helmsley and Shawn Michaels sat together, Hunter rolling his eyes as Shawn made goofy faces at Hunter's infant daughter Aurora. The Game hated it when his best friend did these sort of things, but he knew it was helping The Heartbreak Kid get over his recent divorce.

Matt and Jeff Hardy were rapidly texting each other back and forth on their cell phones, and it was obvious to everyone that they weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to anything else. Chris Jericho sat alone, arguing animatedly on his cell phone with the manager of his band Fozzy, trying to make the guy understand he wanted to concentrate on his wrestling career for the moment. Ric Flair was talking to Dave Batista, who was nodding at what The Nature Boy was saying even as he perused the contents of Fortune magazine.

The two that least wanted to be there, Glen Jacobs and Mark Callaway, found seats right by the door, planning on escaping as soon as Vince dismissed them. They'd hung out with Stone Cold Steve Austin the night before, and were currently dealing with the effects of trying to keep up with the Texas Rattlesnake in terms of alcohol consumption. They both had hangovers the size of ocean liners, so when Adam Copeland sauntered in and made a snide comment along the lines of "Don't creatures of the night shrivel up and die when they're exposed to sunlight?", they stood up abruptly with looks on their faces that said 'Annoy us further and die'. Edge wisely beat a retreat to a chair near the front of the room as The Brothers of Destruction sat down and closed their eyes.

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Meanwhile, most of the Divas were looking across the room at their male counterparts, shaking their heads at how absorbed they were in their own little worlds.

Maria Kanellis sighed happily, lost in another daydream about John Cena, while Women's Champion Mickie James was in her own little world with a certain newly-single member of DX.

Barbie Blank was glowering at Chris Jericho, who seemed oblivious to her attempts to get him to notice her backstage. Candice Michelle was commenting to Eve Torres about how the two of them could stand up right this minute and flash Matt and Jeff and the Hardys wouldn't even notice. Eve nodded in agreement, both women agreeing that the High Flyers they adored were clueless. RAW announcer Lillian Garcia agreed with this opinion as well, although she was referring to a certain Animal nearby.

Melina Perez was also people watching, smirking as she watched Edge quickly head to the front of the room. Her smirk turned into a glower...she couldn't believe he wasn't getting what she was trying to tell him: she was quite interested in him, and wasn't used to being ignored. Then a secretive smile formed on her face as she started to think up a plan to give him a heads-up as to what she wanted.

Ashley Massaro and Michelle McCool walked in and Ashley smiled brightly at Glen, who gave her a weak smile in return before leaning back and closing his eyes again. Ashley walked to her seat, beaming like she'd just won the lottery. Michelle McCool smiled at Mark, who gave her a curt nod, then winced painfully at the movement. The Divas Champion decided to take what she could get, and headed to a seat beside Ashley, thankful that 'her Phenom', as she privately called him, had actually deigned to acknowledge her this time.

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The chatter from the little groups of people abruptly ceased as Vince McMahon strode into the room, followed closely by his daughter, Hunter's wife Stephanie. DX thought they'd be funny and jumped out of their seats, coming to rigid attention with idiotic grins on their faces as though they were enlisted soldiers paying tribute to a commanding general. Shawn even saluted.

Vince glowered at them over the laughter of their coworkers as Stephanie shook her head in embarrassment at her husband's antics.

"Cut the comedy," The WWE Chairman growled before turning to his audience as a whole.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this meeting, and I also know most of you probably have plans today since it's your day off. So I won't bore you with a long speech -"

He was cut off as DX started applauding, causing a fresh round of laughter, and glowered at the two mischief makers, who immediately pasted innocent expressions on their faces and smiled like angels, Shawn even folding his hands in his lap. After giving them a look that could kill, Vince resumed speaking.

"The WWE Corporation has decided to sponsor a cancer research charity, and will participate in its annual fundraiser exactly two weeks from tonight."

The guys - save Glen and Mark, who appeared to have fallen asleep in the back - all rolled their eyes at the prospect of buying expensive tickets and then dressing up to go to some stuffy dinner they had no wish to be attending, while most of the Divas brightened at a chance to go shopping for a knockout new dress and dance the night away with handsome men in nice suits. Vince studied the various reactions of his people and grinned.

"Don't worry...this one doesn't involve any formal dinner-and-dancing thing."

Faces of various superstars began to brighten until Vince dropped the bombshell:

"It's a charity bachelor auction instead!"

His announcement was greeted by dead silence. The Divas all smiled like little kids on Christmas morning, while most of the guys - fan favorites John, Randy, the Hardys, and newly-single Shawn in particular - had expressions on their faces that wouldn't have looked out of place on guys who were two minutes away from a date with the electric chair and who'd just been told their last appeals had been denied.

"Oh, hell no." The silence was broken by Mark's voice from the back of the room. The statement was brief, but seeing as how it came from who it did it landed on the room with the subtlety of a hydrogen bomb.

Vince continued to grin at his employees. "And participation is mandatory, especially if you're holding a title right now. The only people who are exempt from this are those who are engaged or married."

"That's not cool," Carlito stated, and Primo agreed with him while Matt Hardy swore under his breath, World Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston and C. M. Punk got resigned looks on their faces, and Intercontinental Champion William Regal looked appalled at Vince's idea.

"Yo, Y2J, wanna be World Heavyweight Champ again?" John Cena joked.

"Actually, I think I'll pass at the moment, thanks." Chris muttered.

"See, Adam? Look what hitting me in the head with a chair and stealing the title got you!" Hunter joked, and he and Shawn pointed at Edge and giggled like schoolgirls while the Rated-R Superstar glowered blackly at them.

In fact, about the only title holder who seemed even remotely interested in the idea was United States Champion Shelton Benjamin, who looked downright eager at the prospect, nudging Ken Kennedy with his shoulder and boasting about how much money the 'Gold Standard' was going to bring in while Ken looked at him as if he were crazy.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair grinned at Shelton's enthusiasm and then set about trying to rouse Dave from where he appeared to be frozen in place after hearing Vince's 'news'. The Animal did not look pleased. Chris pulled out his cell phone, muttering something about a 'one-night-only concert' with Fozzy, while Jeff turned to Finlay and asked to borrow his beloved shillelagh.

Vince glanced over at the Divas' side of the room. The women were talking excitedly amongst themselves about dresses and so forth, and appeared to love their boss's idea. He then turned back to the superstars side and found most of his male talent racking their brains for ways to get out of the event. Glen and Mark were giving him looks that made Hitler's cold stare seem like a warm smile from Santa Claus, while The Big Show, Mark Henry, Finlay, Ken Kennedy, and Rey Mysterio - who fell into the 'engaged or married and therefore exempted' category - were laughing themselves sick.

Hunter was laughing while patting a panicking Shawn on the back, thinking this was all going to be a valuable source of entertainment. That is, he was until Stephanie spoke up.

"Honey, since I know you want to be there for Shawn, you're going to participate as well."

Triple H's smile vanished instantly, replaced by a deer-in-the-headlights look. Shawn's panic vanished at this announcement, and he turned to his best friend and grinned. Edge also happened to find it exceedingly humorous.

All the finagling, eager planning, begging others for injuries, Hitler-like stares, bitching, and laughter at some poor sucker's predicament came to a halt when the WWE Chairman called for quiet.

"ENOUGH!" Vince yelled at the guys. "Unless you're married or engaged, you're all going to participate, so get used to the idea! Again, the auction's two weeks from tonight in New York, so be ready."

"Hey, I found a Russian mail-order bride site!" Chris Jericho announced, holding up his I-Phone. Nearly every superstar pulled out their own cell phones, with John, Randy, and the Hardys all asking Y2J for the address. William Regal appeared to be giving the idea some serious thought; even Glen was pulling out his cell phone to pull up the site, and was stopped in this only when Mark grabbed his arm and gave him a 'get real' look.

"FORGET IT!" Vince yelled as Chris started to call out the address. "Suddenly up and marrying somebody who's just trying to get a green card is not going to get you off the hook."

Quite a few people muttered oaths under their breaths as Vince headed out of the room, somewhat put-out that his employees weren't all gushing with excitement about his latest plan.

No sooner had her father left the room than Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley found herself bombarded by indignant questions from various superstars, in addition to one very loud and rude demand from an irate JBL that he be exempted from the event on account of none of the women that would be in attendance that night would even be worthy of bidding on a 'wrestling god', and also because if he were ever forced to auction himself off, it "...damn sure wasn't going to be alongside all these clowns." Said 'wrestling god' was promptly told what he could go do with himself by nearly everyone else on the roster, Divas included, which resulted in JBL stomping out of the room. Further protest from the superstars caused Stephanie to get to her feet and glower at them.

"Ok guys, that's enough. I'm sorry...I don't care what your reasons are, unless you're married or engaged, you're walking out on that runway in two weeks, so get used to the idea. Have a good weekend."

With that, she too exited after going over to Hunter and checking on her daughter. Soon after, the Divas rose and headed for the door as a group.

"Where're y'all headed, ladies?" Jeff's voice caused a couple of Divas to turn and face him, Candice being one of them, and the former Women's Champion gave The Charismatic Enigma a bright smile.

"We're going shopping, guys," Mickie James replied. "Gotta look our best for the meat market in two weeks."

With that, the girls headed out, laughing at Mickie's comment as they did so, leaving behind a group of guys who - the majority of them, anyways - were not at all happy with the way this meeting had turned out.

Up Next: The Superstars and Divas each have meetings of their own to discuss their options.

R&R!