Title: Qui-Gon's Adventure in Wonderland, or, Force Down a Rabbit Hole.
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona
Rating: G
Timeframe: Obi-Wan is eighteen.
Category: Humour, Crossover, angst, you name it (how about Luke?)
Summary: Possibly the first ever Star Wars/ Alice crossover.
Warnings: Don't read this if you're upset by the idea of Jedi knights being
late, or stupid or falling down rabbit holes. Other than that, pretty much
nothing.
Spoilers: Nothing major. Little ones for much of the galaxy far, far away,
very little specific- and some that are only for my own personal comic AU
future.
Disclaimer: I'm borrowing them all. George Lucas owns all the Star Wars set
up, and Alice, Wonderland, the white rabbit etc are the creations of Lewis
Carroll. I make no profit from this expansion of my time and creative
talents (any I happen to have picked up over the years.)
Note: //speech through Padawan/ Master bond// and *Private thoughts*
Qui-Gon was beginning to get very tired of being rebuked by the Council, but he could tell that he was going to be in trouble again if he didn't hurry. He'd over slept that morning- he and Obi-Wan had only just arrived at the Temple following a very problematic mission. They had succeeded, but by a narrower margin than the Council would like. And now he was going to be late for the meeting, as well. As he strode, he noticed that a white rabbit appeared to be hopping alongside him, muttering, "You'll be late. You'll be late for a very important date."
When he stopped, the rabbit stopped too. "I know what you are," said Qui-Gon. "You're one of the plot bunnies, from the planet Earth, aren't you?"
"Not really," said the rabbit, and took a watch out of his waistcoat pocket. "And you don't have time for speculation at the moment. You're late enough as it is."
"Why should you be worried about the Council meeting?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I'm not," the rabbit said. "The appointment you are late for is with a hole. Come on!" With that, the white rabbit hopped away.
Intrigued, Qui-Gon followed the rabbit, which quickly vanished. Unfortunately, he wasn't looking where he was going, and he stumbled, fell, and found himself tumbling down a dark tunnel. As he fell, he called out to his Padawan through the bond they shared. //Obi-Wan! Can you hear me?//
//Yes, Master// came a sleepy reply. //Why? I thought you had to see the council//
//I do, Obi-Wan. The thing is... The thing is...//
Obi-Wan Kenobi, even at the young age of eighteen, was not very stupid. He could clearly hear the embracement in his Master's voice, and decided to try to make it easy for him. After all, it wouldn't do either of the any good to incur the wrath of the Council again.
//Tell me, Master// he said through the bond. //No one else need ever know.//
//I seem to have fallen down some sort of hole// Qui-Gon said resignedly. He knew his Padawan was trying his best, and appreciated the fact that he couldn't hear Obi-Wan laughing. //I was walking along the north corridor, near the Council chamber, when I saw the strangest thing.// He went on to explain it all, and just as he reached the end of his peculiar (and quite funny- Obi-Wan had begun giggling several minutes into it, and still hadn't stopped) tale, something happened.
He landed. Hard. "Oww," he said, reasonably enough, and found himself staring into the pinky eyes of a mouse.
"Dreadfully sorry," the mouse said. "They seem to have done some clearing up since our last visitor. We did have quite a nice pile of leaves accumulating there. Well, I guess you Jedi are trained to stand it in a way that young girls generally aren't."
Uncomfortable and bemused, the long haired Jedi felt tears forming in his eyes. Somewhere overhead, his Padawan shared the symptom, with one major difference. Qui-Gon was crying with exhaustion, pain and shock: Obi-Wan was crying with laughter. The bond was still open, and Obi-Wan quickly sobered up when he felt his Master's distress.
//I'll try and find you. We'll get through this.// He left the apartment, only pausing to pick up his brown cloak.
"What's your name?" the mouse in front of Qui-Gon asked.
"Qui-Gon," he replied, wiping his eyes.
"That's a strange name. Had they run out of plain names when you were given yours? The last one we had down here was Alice. Nice plain name, Alice. Why weren't you a John? Or a Christopher? Or a Fred?"
"I've no idea," Qui-Gon replied. "Now, if you could just tell me how to get out of here, I'll be on my way."
"Just through one of those doors, Robert. If you were a Robert, you could be a Bobby too."
Qui-Gon hurried away, aiming for the closest door.
Somewhere overhead, in the long dark corridors of the Temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi was looking for a long-lost tunnel. Many years ago, when he had not been at the Temple for more than a year, he had found a set of secret tunnels which would allow those of fairly small build to access almost every part of the Temple without being seen. It had been suggested by various of his other associates that they where to allow the more diminutive members of the Council a discreet way to escape the longer sessions. He didn't know if it was true, but the tunnels could be very useful, and he had yet finished growing: he though he could just about squeeze into them one more time.
*It can't be that hard to use the Force for this, * Qui-Gon thought. *It's only a doorframe. If you concentrate hard enough, you can do it. * Qui-Gon usually gave himself very good advice, although he very seldom followed it. He'd think things like *Don't get into trouble with the Council again. * and then he'd go and do whatever it was anyway, or *That'll upset Obi-Wan* and then do it anyway- but that was always because whatever-it-was was the right thing to do. This was different- it was stupid. Only a fool would use the Force to make a door larger- there had to be another way around it. *If there is, I'm a pod-racing pilot* he thought, and gathered the Force in for a big blast.
Once the doorframe had been expanded to six foot high, the door fell over, looking a little pathetic. *It's not a life form, Qui-Gon, * he cautioned himself, *Obi-Wan really with laugh his socks off if you take a pathetic door home. * He stepped over it and into the garden beyond. There, seated around a table, were the twelve members of the Council, apparently having a tea party.
The table was set out under a tree in front of the house, and the Council were defiantly having tea at it: Master Yoda was sitting between Ki-Adi- Mundi and Yarael Poof, fast asleep, and they where using him as a cushion, resting their elbows on him, and talking over his head.
"Your hair wants cutting," said Saesee Tiin to Oppo Rancisis. "And so does yours," he added, spotting Qui-Gon.
"You should learn not to make personal remarks," Qui-Gon replied, with some severity, "It's very rude."
"You mean 'Very rude it is," Yaddle said, from her place at the end of the table.
"I meant what I said," Qui-Gon told her, "and I said what I meant. They are one and the same thing, as you would know if you have any clue about grammar at all."
"No, indeed. Say you might just as well: 'I breathe when I sleep,' the same thing is as 'I sleep when I breathe'," said Yoda, his eyes still firmly shut.
"A fine one to talk about word order, you are," said Qui-Gon, and Yaddle replied triumphantly, "See? Infectious it is!"
"Yoda is asleep again," said Mace Windu, and he poured a little hot tea into each of Yoda's ears.
Yoda shook his head impatiently, and said, without opening his eyes, "Of course, just what I myself to remark going was."
Seeing a door in one of the trees opposite that was more his size than most of the others, Qui-Gon decided to give this strange Council meeting a miss and continue with the adventure, in the hope of finishing it as soon as possible. When he opened the door, however, an old man who bore a remarkable resemblance to his Padawan met him.
"Who is there?" asked a young voice. The old man did not reply. He simply stepped back to allow the younger man to see.
"It's a Jedi Knight, unless I'm much mistaken," said Luke Skywalker.
"Yes," the old man replied, recovering a little. "And one whom I used to know, although he clearly doesn't know me. Have I changed that much, Master?" asked this older Obi-Wan of Qui-Gon, feeling for the old bond as he did so.
//Obi-Wan? What's happened? I thought you'd gone to fetch help!// Qui-Gon said through that bond.
//I suspect there may be more than one of me, then. I haven't slept for days.// Obi-Wan said.
"Allow me to introduce my new apprentice," he added aloud. "Luke Skywalker, this is Qui-Gon, my Master. Master, this is Luke Skywalker, one of those who will bring balance to the Force."
"Good, good," Qui-Gon said. "Just now I'm more concerned about getting out of her alive, and getting to a proper Council meeting." He nodded at the tea party, only to find that they had vanished and a large orange tribble with an even bigger grin had materialised in their place. "Um, who are you?" he asked, on the basis that it couldn't do him any harm.
"I'm the Cheshire Tribble," the orange heap of fur said, "And these are my children, the Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire Tribbles."
"Cheshire? Tribble?" Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Luke said together, bemused.
"You haven't heard of a tribble? I'm terribly sorry; I think I must have become a crossover. Entirely my fault. Allow me to rectify this mistake." And with that it and its rapidly multiplying children faded, leaving only a pile of grins behind.
Qui-Gon turned back to Obi-Wan. //Obi-Wan, what's going on here?//
//I've no idea, Master. And the mouse and Luke insist that it should be Ben. I also don't know what we should do.//
"But I do, Master," Obi-Wan said. Qui-Gon and Ben turned, to see the younger Obi-Wan approaching over the grass.
"We have to persuade all the people who are here but shouldn't be- that's me, and you two (I mean, both of me, I guess), and Luke, and Mara, and Leia, and the Council- including both Yodas, and Anakin and Jania and Jacen, and Anakin Skywalker, and Darth Vader, and any others- those are just the ones I've seen- to pinch themselves at once."
"How do you know?" Qui-Gon asked. He wasn't very suspicious, but he didn't want to put a lot of effort into something that would prove to be ultimately pointless.
"I found a bottle that said 'Drink me' and when I did, the floor opened up a mouth and began talking to me. It said all sorts of stuff, but I mostly only took in the parts about how to get out of here."
"Fair enough," Qui-Gon said. He felt Obi-Wan shudder, and put up some shields- something else the floor had said, he guessed. Well, now was not the time to discuss it. "All at once, you say?"
"Yes."
"Then we'd better be getting on with it, hadn't we. If we try and round them all up here, we'll be well on the way."
So it began. They spend what felt like hours chasing around for the interlopers. They were confused by the natives: Humpty Dumpty had to be stuck together and levitated back onto his wall, with a large amount of Force, before he would release his hostages, Queen Amidala and a ten year old Anakin Skywalker.
The Obi-Wans were considerably confused when they happened on a hall of mirrors, quite independently. At the end of on of the rows, there was an empty frame. Of course, they both arrived at once.
"A mirror that makes you look older!" cried young Obi-Wan.
"On the contrary," his reflection replied, "A mirror that makes you look younger."
"Oh, it's you," they said together, and when on their ways, hunting down the folks of their world who had stumbled, fallen or sauntered slowly into this bizarre one.
Chewbacca had to be coaxed down from the heights of a tree, from which he had planned to leap into space and the real world, before he discovered that in this world he had vertigo.
Jania and Jacen had fallen in a puddle, and where having the most delightful time splashing their father with water.
An elderly Anakin Solo refused to speak to any of them, claimed his name was "plain old Darth Vader the Second" and huddled in a corner, breathing through a hand over his mouth and muttering about how things weren't they way they used to be in the old days.
Eventually, though.
Qui-Gon woke up in his own bed, back in the Temple. *That was a strange dream* he thought. Then *Oh, no: not late again! * He leapt out of bed. Terrible things would happen if he were late to report to the Council. He could tell that Obi-Wan had his shields up, but didn't worry. *Probably and dream like mine*, he thought. *I really must remember to ask the Healers not to give either of us that sedative again* and with that, he hurried off, carefully skirting the mysterious holes in the corridor.
Qui-Gon was beginning to get very tired of being rebuked by the Council, but he could tell that he was going to be in trouble again if he didn't hurry. He'd over slept that morning- he and Obi-Wan had only just arrived at the Temple following a very problematic mission. They had succeeded, but by a narrower margin than the Council would like. And now he was going to be late for the meeting, as well. As he strode, he noticed that a white rabbit appeared to be hopping alongside him, muttering, "You'll be late. You'll be late for a very important date."
When he stopped, the rabbit stopped too. "I know what you are," said Qui-Gon. "You're one of the plot bunnies, from the planet Earth, aren't you?"
"Not really," said the rabbit, and took a watch out of his waistcoat pocket. "And you don't have time for speculation at the moment. You're late enough as it is."
"Why should you be worried about the Council meeting?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I'm not," the rabbit said. "The appointment you are late for is with a hole. Come on!" With that, the white rabbit hopped away.
Intrigued, Qui-Gon followed the rabbit, which quickly vanished. Unfortunately, he wasn't looking where he was going, and he stumbled, fell, and found himself tumbling down a dark tunnel. As he fell, he called out to his Padawan through the bond they shared. //Obi-Wan! Can you hear me?//
//Yes, Master// came a sleepy reply. //Why? I thought you had to see the council//
//I do, Obi-Wan. The thing is... The thing is...//
Obi-Wan Kenobi, even at the young age of eighteen, was not very stupid. He could clearly hear the embracement in his Master's voice, and decided to try to make it easy for him. After all, it wouldn't do either of the any good to incur the wrath of the Council again.
//Tell me, Master// he said through the bond. //No one else need ever know.//
//I seem to have fallen down some sort of hole// Qui-Gon said resignedly. He knew his Padawan was trying his best, and appreciated the fact that he couldn't hear Obi-Wan laughing. //I was walking along the north corridor, near the Council chamber, when I saw the strangest thing.// He went on to explain it all, and just as he reached the end of his peculiar (and quite funny- Obi-Wan had begun giggling several minutes into it, and still hadn't stopped) tale, something happened.
He landed. Hard. "Oww," he said, reasonably enough, and found himself staring into the pinky eyes of a mouse.
"Dreadfully sorry," the mouse said. "They seem to have done some clearing up since our last visitor. We did have quite a nice pile of leaves accumulating there. Well, I guess you Jedi are trained to stand it in a way that young girls generally aren't."
Uncomfortable and bemused, the long haired Jedi felt tears forming in his eyes. Somewhere overhead, his Padawan shared the symptom, with one major difference. Qui-Gon was crying with exhaustion, pain and shock: Obi-Wan was crying with laughter. The bond was still open, and Obi-Wan quickly sobered up when he felt his Master's distress.
//I'll try and find you. We'll get through this.// He left the apartment, only pausing to pick up his brown cloak.
"What's your name?" the mouse in front of Qui-Gon asked.
"Qui-Gon," he replied, wiping his eyes.
"That's a strange name. Had they run out of plain names when you were given yours? The last one we had down here was Alice. Nice plain name, Alice. Why weren't you a John? Or a Christopher? Or a Fred?"
"I've no idea," Qui-Gon replied. "Now, if you could just tell me how to get out of here, I'll be on my way."
"Just through one of those doors, Robert. If you were a Robert, you could be a Bobby too."
Qui-Gon hurried away, aiming for the closest door.
Somewhere overhead, in the long dark corridors of the Temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi was looking for a long-lost tunnel. Many years ago, when he had not been at the Temple for more than a year, he had found a set of secret tunnels which would allow those of fairly small build to access almost every part of the Temple without being seen. It had been suggested by various of his other associates that they where to allow the more diminutive members of the Council a discreet way to escape the longer sessions. He didn't know if it was true, but the tunnels could be very useful, and he had yet finished growing: he though he could just about squeeze into them one more time.
*It can't be that hard to use the Force for this, * Qui-Gon thought. *It's only a doorframe. If you concentrate hard enough, you can do it. * Qui-Gon usually gave himself very good advice, although he very seldom followed it. He'd think things like *Don't get into trouble with the Council again. * and then he'd go and do whatever it was anyway, or *That'll upset Obi-Wan* and then do it anyway- but that was always because whatever-it-was was the right thing to do. This was different- it was stupid. Only a fool would use the Force to make a door larger- there had to be another way around it. *If there is, I'm a pod-racing pilot* he thought, and gathered the Force in for a big blast.
Once the doorframe had been expanded to six foot high, the door fell over, looking a little pathetic. *It's not a life form, Qui-Gon, * he cautioned himself, *Obi-Wan really with laugh his socks off if you take a pathetic door home. * He stepped over it and into the garden beyond. There, seated around a table, were the twelve members of the Council, apparently having a tea party.
The table was set out under a tree in front of the house, and the Council were defiantly having tea at it: Master Yoda was sitting between Ki-Adi- Mundi and Yarael Poof, fast asleep, and they where using him as a cushion, resting their elbows on him, and talking over his head.
"Your hair wants cutting," said Saesee Tiin to Oppo Rancisis. "And so does yours," he added, spotting Qui-Gon.
"You should learn not to make personal remarks," Qui-Gon replied, with some severity, "It's very rude."
"You mean 'Very rude it is," Yaddle said, from her place at the end of the table.
"I meant what I said," Qui-Gon told her, "and I said what I meant. They are one and the same thing, as you would know if you have any clue about grammar at all."
"No, indeed. Say you might just as well: 'I breathe when I sleep,' the same thing is as 'I sleep when I breathe'," said Yoda, his eyes still firmly shut.
"A fine one to talk about word order, you are," said Qui-Gon, and Yaddle replied triumphantly, "See? Infectious it is!"
"Yoda is asleep again," said Mace Windu, and he poured a little hot tea into each of Yoda's ears.
Yoda shook his head impatiently, and said, without opening his eyes, "Of course, just what I myself to remark going was."
Seeing a door in one of the trees opposite that was more his size than most of the others, Qui-Gon decided to give this strange Council meeting a miss and continue with the adventure, in the hope of finishing it as soon as possible. When he opened the door, however, an old man who bore a remarkable resemblance to his Padawan met him.
"Who is there?" asked a young voice. The old man did not reply. He simply stepped back to allow the younger man to see.
"It's a Jedi Knight, unless I'm much mistaken," said Luke Skywalker.
"Yes," the old man replied, recovering a little. "And one whom I used to know, although he clearly doesn't know me. Have I changed that much, Master?" asked this older Obi-Wan of Qui-Gon, feeling for the old bond as he did so.
//Obi-Wan? What's happened? I thought you'd gone to fetch help!// Qui-Gon said through that bond.
//I suspect there may be more than one of me, then. I haven't slept for days.// Obi-Wan said.
"Allow me to introduce my new apprentice," he added aloud. "Luke Skywalker, this is Qui-Gon, my Master. Master, this is Luke Skywalker, one of those who will bring balance to the Force."
"Good, good," Qui-Gon said. "Just now I'm more concerned about getting out of her alive, and getting to a proper Council meeting." He nodded at the tea party, only to find that they had vanished and a large orange tribble with an even bigger grin had materialised in their place. "Um, who are you?" he asked, on the basis that it couldn't do him any harm.
"I'm the Cheshire Tribble," the orange heap of fur said, "And these are my children, the Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire Tribbles."
"Cheshire? Tribble?" Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Luke said together, bemused.
"You haven't heard of a tribble? I'm terribly sorry; I think I must have become a crossover. Entirely my fault. Allow me to rectify this mistake." And with that it and its rapidly multiplying children faded, leaving only a pile of grins behind.
Qui-Gon turned back to Obi-Wan. //Obi-Wan, what's going on here?//
//I've no idea, Master. And the mouse and Luke insist that it should be Ben. I also don't know what we should do.//
"But I do, Master," Obi-Wan said. Qui-Gon and Ben turned, to see the younger Obi-Wan approaching over the grass.
"We have to persuade all the people who are here but shouldn't be- that's me, and you two (I mean, both of me, I guess), and Luke, and Mara, and Leia, and the Council- including both Yodas, and Anakin and Jania and Jacen, and Anakin Skywalker, and Darth Vader, and any others- those are just the ones I've seen- to pinch themselves at once."
"How do you know?" Qui-Gon asked. He wasn't very suspicious, but he didn't want to put a lot of effort into something that would prove to be ultimately pointless.
"I found a bottle that said 'Drink me' and when I did, the floor opened up a mouth and began talking to me. It said all sorts of stuff, but I mostly only took in the parts about how to get out of here."
"Fair enough," Qui-Gon said. He felt Obi-Wan shudder, and put up some shields- something else the floor had said, he guessed. Well, now was not the time to discuss it. "All at once, you say?"
"Yes."
"Then we'd better be getting on with it, hadn't we. If we try and round them all up here, we'll be well on the way."
So it began. They spend what felt like hours chasing around for the interlopers. They were confused by the natives: Humpty Dumpty had to be stuck together and levitated back onto his wall, with a large amount of Force, before he would release his hostages, Queen Amidala and a ten year old Anakin Skywalker.
The Obi-Wans were considerably confused when they happened on a hall of mirrors, quite independently. At the end of on of the rows, there was an empty frame. Of course, they both arrived at once.
"A mirror that makes you look older!" cried young Obi-Wan.
"On the contrary," his reflection replied, "A mirror that makes you look younger."
"Oh, it's you," they said together, and when on their ways, hunting down the folks of their world who had stumbled, fallen or sauntered slowly into this bizarre one.
Chewbacca had to be coaxed down from the heights of a tree, from which he had planned to leap into space and the real world, before he discovered that in this world he had vertigo.
Jania and Jacen had fallen in a puddle, and where having the most delightful time splashing their father with water.
An elderly Anakin Solo refused to speak to any of them, claimed his name was "plain old Darth Vader the Second" and huddled in a corner, breathing through a hand over his mouth and muttering about how things weren't they way they used to be in the old days.
Eventually, though.
Qui-Gon woke up in his own bed, back in the Temple. *That was a strange dream* he thought. Then *Oh, no: not late again! * He leapt out of bed. Terrible things would happen if he were late to report to the Council. He could tell that Obi-Wan had his shields up, but didn't worry. *Probably and dream like mine*, he thought. *I really must remember to ask the Healers not to give either of us that sedative again* and with that, he hurried off, carefully skirting the mysterious holes in the corridor.