A/N: Hello and welcome, everybody!
I'm sorry I haven't written anything in a while, but (here the excuses start) I really did have assignments and exams and, 'unfortunately, I had caught a cold. Well, I say cold, but really, I had gangrene. On my lungs.' - Jeremy Clarkson. It's true. I, along with Jeremy, had gangrene. On my lungs. But I'm better now.
So, aside from doing tonnes of schoolwork, sleeping, and eating, I've had rowing, friends who like to go shopping every day (They always need 'someone to go with', when actually, they just want to risk my life by making me regularly cross this awful, awful intersection.), and...well...that's about it. Did I say eating?
Anyway, enjoy.
Disclaimer: Iron Man is by somebody else, and toilet men are perfectly respectable people, I just saw this show (the IT Crowd) and pissed myself laughing. I loved the idea so much I've written it for two fandoms. Yes, I have that sad a life. Umm...I also don't own canes, and the party is made up. I don't own the fictional air Tony breathed, nor the woman's uniform. And the carpet. Somebody else owns the carpet.
Rhodey and Tony walked in the men's toilets, instantly turning around and leaving again.
"You saw him, right?" They were at a party, when Nature called.
"Yep. One mean-ass bastard just itching to stare and creep you out as you take a piss."
There was a toilet man. Rhodey and Tony hated toilet men.
The pair waited with uncertainty outside. They weren't quite game to go in, but they weren't willing to leave just yet.
Minutes passed.
"Okay, Tony, I'm busting. I gotta go."
"Yeah, me too. I say we stuff it. He's just a man."
They took a moment to gather their thoughts and build up their courage, and resolutely set their faces.
Swaggering with the confidence of men who had definitely not been eliciting strange glances as they hid outside a public restroom, they strode in.
Purposely not looking at the toilet man, they chose a urinal each and stood for a couple of minutes. Zipping up, they washed their hands and gave the toilet man a nod. A badass nod.
Without saying a word, the pair left the toilets and leant up against the wall opposite.
Rhodey murmured out of the corner of his mouth, "Did you actually go?"
"Nope. How the hell could you? He was just...staring. You could feel his eyes on your back."
"Yeah. Seriously creepy, man."
"I would never want that job. Ever. I'd trade my money, my cars, but not the R8, and definitely the pool."
"Unless you, you know, liked watching guys piss."
They both went quiet as they contemplated this possibility. Tony decided he should stop thinking about it, now.
"Which brings us back to square one. I'm still busting."
They both sighed, and gave the previously exited restroom a wary glance.
"...Rhodes, if you pretend to be a retard, we can go into the handicapped. They don't have toilet men." Tony's eyes shone with the idea. He was so smart.
"What the hell? You want me to play a retard? That's not even politically correct!"
"A crazy person, then. That won't be hard for you."
"'Crazy person' isn't any better! And says the man who himself would come first in the nutso competition. And how did you go from the intellectually challenged to the mentally unstable?"
"I said 'retard', then 'crazy person'. Easy. Oh, sorry, intellectually challenged and mentally unstable. So? Are you gonna?"
"No, I'm not gonna! Are you, like, crazy?"
"I thought that was politically incorrect."
"No, dumbass, only if you call a real crazy person crazy."
"...Fucked up."
"Yeah."
"Well, pretend to have, like, a false leg that's really lifelike."
"Jesus, man, that's not even funny!"
"Rhodey, I am not laughing. If I were to piss my pants right now it would definitely not be from laughing. Now, I'm going to that toilet if it kills me. Get your ass in gear."
"Christ, man, calm down. Look, I'm limping, I'm limping. Get over here, let me lean on you. Sell the idea, right?"
Tony gave him a frigid glare. He was busting.
Acting as naturally as they could, they manoeuvred into the handicapped and shot into two over-sized stalls.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
"Yeah, that's right..."
Happily, they again washed their hands and the two walked out, remembering at the last minute that Rhodey was meant to be disabled. Walking became hobbling.
Worse luck, they were stopped by a helpful member of staff as they made their way back to the party, who enquired as to their predicament.
After giving a quick telepathic warning to stay quiet, Tony replied, "I was on my way to the restroom, when I found this gentleman. He had evidently lost his cane, and I simply helped him to, uh, make his way to the toilet."
She was drawn straight to Rhodey. "Oh! I'm very sorry, sir, for your inconvenience. I shall find a cane for you immediately." The woman rushed off, presumably to that special cupboard where canes were kept.
"I think she likes you, Rhodey."
"Really?"
"Uh-huh. You should have seen the doting look that rained upon you. I think you should make friends."
"You really think so?"
"I know so."
"Huh."
"Huh, indeed."
"Huh, huh."
"Platypus."
"Sorry, dude."
"It's all right, man. It's cool."
"Ah, here you go, sir. I hope it's to your size." The female staff member had silently crept up on them, and provoked the hugest jump from Tony.
Giving Tony a smirk, Rhodey awkwardly took the cane and tried to look disabled, while, of course, at the same time as he flirted outrageously.
"Hey, honey, thank you very much. I'd like to thank you in another way..."
"Oh, no, sir, it's okay. You don't have to tip me."
Rhodey stared blankly. "Oh- oh, of course, ma'am. But here, let me."
"No, sir. I mean it. Don't do it." Her gentle face took on a picture of utter loathing, and Rhodey recoiled slightly.
"Uh, fine, fine. Of course. Thank you for your help. Ma'am."
Rhodey and Tony watched with wide eyes as she left.
Tony rounded on Rhodey. "Dude. She was ready to jump you right then and there. How the hell did you fuck that up?"
"She so obviously wasn't! Did you see her face? You sold me bullshit." The pair moved off unthinkingly, still arguing.
"Uhhh, who's the woman bedder extraordinaire here, exactly?" Tony asked, mockingly.
"You haven't had to chat up a woman in years. You just walk in a room, and try to beat off the masses."
"Well, yeah, but to get to that point I had to do some serious charming. You should have seen me."
Rhodey rolled his eyes.
Suddenly, there was a shout of alarm. They whipped around, and Tony definitely did not position himself slightly behind Rhodey. Ohhh, no, not him. No siree. He was Iron Man.
"You!" The very same woman of whom they were still recovering. Tony had no idea where she came from. The slightly strained look was mirrored on Rhodey's face. "You said you were disabled! Liar!"
Tony's and Rhodey's eyes were instantly drawn to Rhodey's very strong, healthy stride, and the cane that uselessly dangled from his arm.
"Oh my goooddd, you're such a dipstick, Rhodey, if I survive after this I am so gonna get a new friend. One who isn't stupid." Tony hissed.
"You're the one who didn't notice! And who else'd put up with you? No one!"
The staff member advanced towards them. Casting a wary eye over her, Tony mumbled, "So not a cool comeback, Platypus. It actually kind of sucked, really badly. You're lucky no one's reading this."
"Who, exactly, do you think you are, impersonating a disabled person? Huh? What kind of sick freak would do something like that? And to think you used the image to try and deceive me into even giving you a little bit of my time, well, that's despicable. Utterly despicable." She threw an offended look at them.
"Rhodey," Tony whispered, "I feel so bad. And it wasn't even me who did the despicable stuff. I am so disappointed in you."
Rhodey knew Tony was being a bastard, and needed to be taken down a few rungs, but he could not form proper sentences. Here he was, a poor busting man who had needed to go now, trying to remedy his problem, and all this bad stuff happened. It was so unfair.
"But- but- but-"
"Ah, no buts. If you don't leave in the next two minutes, I'm calling security. What you have done is offensive and unjust, and you should feel very ashamed of yourselves."
Rhodey still kind of stared in cowering shock, so Tony made the wise decision to grab him by the sleeve and run.
Panting by the entrance to the party, Tony and Rhodey each checked over their appearances and straightened their ties.
Glancing worriedly into the fray, they set themselves.
"Okay. Here we go, Rhodes."
Walking in, very casually, they passed by Pepper ("Where have you two been?"), and made a beeline to the bar.
"Give us something strong. We've just had an encounter with a toilet man."
"And the evil chick."
"Yeah. The evil chick."
A/N: And on that bombshell, we'll end the fic. Goodnight, everybody!
(pleasepleaseplease PM me if you got it pleasepleaseplease)
R&R?