Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or the song "Desert Rose" by Sting
Desert Rose
For days and weeks after the funeral, he dreamed of her death. He blamed himself of course. He put her on that roof when he knew she was a target. It was always his fault. Kelly, Shannon, and now Kate. He dreamed the moment on that rooftop over and over again, seeing the bullet rip into her head in a continuous loop killed him, a stab to the chest, where his heart should have been.
During the day he worked, and worked hard, couldn't stop himself. It was how he dealt with things. But he could still smell her perfume, cherry blossoms, and rose. He swore he saw her sometimes late at night when he was alone at his desk, all the other agents gone for the evening. It was always a shadow, but he had to make sure.
When he actually did go home, it was to work on his boat and to drink bourbon from his coffee mug. Those were the worst nights because he dreamed of things besides her death. He dreamed of her standing in the rain. He dreamed of her sitting in firelight. He dreamed of her walking among the flowers of a garden. The things he'd never actually done with her, but wanted to experience. But those achingly sweet dreams were the most horrible torture he'd ever endured, since the death of his first wife and daughter.
Her death was like God had shoved an "I told you so!" in his face. He'd missed his chance with someone he could have loved for the rest of his life. No, not lost, the chance had been stolen from him, and that was just one more punishment for him to endure, one more pain to his over burdened conscience and shredded heart. She had been too young to leave the world without her light. She'd meant too much to him, for him to have to go on without her special sparkle. Her death was just one more reminder of how fragile life was, and how easily it could be taken, something he already had too much knowledge of.
I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand
I dream of fire
Those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire
And in the flames
Her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire
This desert rose
Each of her veils a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this.