Note: This fanfic was written for the Six Subject Line Challenge on Founder's Day on forums. The fic was supposed to incorporate these six forum topic subjects: 1) Elves and Dwarves and Orcs, oh my!; 2) TRAITOR! Or maybe not...; 3) Everyone dashing towards Gondor; 4) Did the old man have a thrush nearby?; 5) I'm not the burglar you're looking for; 6) Kinda hard to use a bow with a full beard, though.
I love that kind of challenge!
"Kinda hard to use a bow with a full beard, though," griped Glóin, pushing aside his beard for the five hundredth time. "This is really Kili's territory."
"You could always cut it off," suggested Gandalf.
Glóin spared one second to send a malevolent glance towards the ancient wizard. "Are you kidding?"
"Just saying."
Neither Gandalf nor the Dwarf noticed as a diminutive bird flew off towards Dale, where a peaceable hobbit contentedly snacked on peanuts and grapes. Seeing the thrush approaching, Bilbo Baggins groaned and downed two grapes at once.
"Please don't tell me they need me at the Mountain."
There was laughter in the thrush's eyes as it chirped in reply, "Gandalf wants a pair of scissors."
"No!" exclaimed Bilbo with determination. He slowly waved his hand in the bird's direction. "I'm not the burglar you're looking for."
"You're not the burglar I'm looking for," chirped the thrush, staring glassily at the hobbit. Bilbo nodded and popped a peanut into his mouth, the bird flapping away from him. He let out his breath in relief. Close call, that. But unfortunately, his conscience had different ideas. Don'tcha think you should help Gandalf out here?
Bilbo sighed. "Whatever."
It was no problem to slink into Bard's abandoned tent and snitch the scissors the guy so carelessly left lying around. Even without Bilbo's magic ring of invisibility, everyone else was at the battle anyhows.
He got through the unguarded gate of Dale, but halted, petrified, at the sight before him.
"Elves and Dwarves and Orcs, oh my!" he squeaked.
But he had a job to do. No room for terror. He drew his sword as protection but, invisible, was able to slip easily enough through the hordes of brawling foes. Where, oh, where was Gandalf? Bilbo stopped and glanced around him, identifying each creature. Elf. Orc. Orc. Dead Orc. Elf. Dead Elf. Dwarf. Wizard. Dwarf. Elf. Dead Elf. Three more dead Orcs.
Wait.
Backtrack.
"WIZARD!" he yelled in triumph, sprinting towards Gandalf. He pulled off his ring in time for Gandalf to see him materialise, holding the scissors high in victory. "Gandalf! I got 'em!"
"Good man!" exclaimed Gandalf. "Pass them here!"
Bilbo tossed the scissors through the air, and Gandalf deftly caught them.
"Glóin! Eh, Glóin!" The Dwarf next to him turned. "Close your eyes," commanded the wizard.
Without thinking, the Dwarf closed his eyes... but immediately heard the sound of scissors cutting through hair. Wait. Did the old man have a thrush nearby?
His eyes flew open and he lashed out with his stumpy arms. "Not the beard!" Seeing Bilbo at Gandalf's side, he turned on the hobbit. "TRAITOR!"
"Or maybe not..." muttered Bilbo, turning tail and fleeing.
In fact, everyone was dashing – towards Gondor far to the south. A Dwarf in his wrath was not a thing to face down without fear.