Ok. Listen up people.
I, Effie Trinket, have heard rumours. Rumours that offend my little ears.
I understand that a person as famous as I will obviously have an internet presence. However, what has shocked me is the amount of attention that has been created by my words: "That is mahogany!"
Firstly, a large majority of internet users seem to find this highly amusing. And maybe it is to them. But as a lifelong admirer of this gorgeous wood, I find it deeply unamusing.
And I am justified in this view. In fact, many centuries ago there was a special species found on the islands of Cuba and Haiti/Dominican Republic. What was the name of this fine organism? Swietenia mahogani. And it was never matched for richness, elegance, utility. Never matched, no matter what the oak enthusiasts and cedar fanatics and walnut nutters say.
And you know what happened? It went extinct! After only 50 years, it was popular. My, it was so famous that as a child I coveted a chair of such provenance. Indeed, I was more upset after being told that it was extinct than I was when my mother told me the tooth fairy didn't exist. (Although secretly inside, I'm sure she does.)
Although Swietenia mahogani is no longer with us, there are other, if inferior, species. Mahogany is lustrous, warp-resistant and sublimely accommodating. It was, and still is, the most prized. It is workable enough to be carved and fretted into delicate shapes, but still strong enough to be furniture. So versatile- just like me. Not that I've ever had aspirations to be a piece of furniture.
Because of this wonderful wood, furniture became sculpture- it became art. And in my opinion, the greatest art. Mainly because on my pitiful Capitol salary it's the only one I can really afford.
So therefore, I am completely justified in my consternation at such vile treatment of what should be polished, sat on, revered and loved. One does not simply, darlings, stick a knife in the greatest organism that biology has ever bothered to produce.