From the moment we're conceived, what makes us who we end up becoming is mostly out of our control. There's the influence of family and friends, but those are the obvious things. What we so easily overlook, is everything else. How to act, what to want, what's normal, all these things that end up defining us? That's from the way the world around us happens to be working at the moment. Take for example, the idea of true love, of romance and of soulmates. It's appealing; more importantly, it's something desirable. But why? Why is there something attractive about the idea of knowing who your soulmate is? Maybe it's the confirmation that there is a person you're meant to be with; that you won't end up alone. So if you were told who your soulmate was, would you simply accept it as the truth?
Brittany and Santana met at the age of six, on the first day of first grade. By chance or maybe by fate, their seats were right next to each other.
Brittany, the ever friendly child, introduced herself to Santana without hesitation. "Hi, I'm Brittany," she said, with a smile so bright it could power a small town.
"Whatever," was the only reply she received. Even at a young age, Santana had come to the realization that she simply did not like people and had no time for them unless they proved to be useful to her.
Brittany, however, was not discouraged. Day after day she continued her quest of befriending Santana although with little success. That all changed when one day, some of the other students made their dislike for Santana quite clear.
Finn Hudson, a tall, awkward boy, was really grating on Santana's nerves that day. Santana had little tolerance for idiots, and Finn was the King of Idiocy. As a result, Santana made it her goal to let Finn know just how much she detested him. But on that particular day, Finn lashed out.
"You know Santana, I'm sick of you being so mean to me just because you have no friends and no one likes you!" Finn yelled.
This was the first time someone had actually retaliated against Santana's vicious words and, combined with the chink in her armor he had hit, she was left speechless.
"That's not very nice. I like Santana! I think she's really cool," Brittany said, to Santana's great surprise.
Finn responded with a scowl, "Well that's because you're stupid. It's not like you know any better."
Those words jolted Santana out of her shock, "Shut up Finn. Brittany is a million times smarter than you'll ever be and you bests be leaving my new best friend alone!"
And the rest was history. Santana and Brittany became inseparable after that, beginning the kind of friendship people could only dream of.
Brittany and Santana shared the same birthday, and the night they turned 15 was the night they both shared their first kiss. It had started with an offhanded comment Brittany made.
"Do you ever worry what it'll be like when we finally find out who our soulmate is? I mean I've never even kissed someone. What if it's terrible?" Brittany voiced.
"Britt, I'm sure it'll be amazing. I mean why would people talk about it all the time if it sucked?" Santana replied.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. But still, I'm nervous."
An idea popped into Santana's head.
"Close your eyes Britt-Britt," Santana commanded.
Brittany did so unquestioningly because she trusted Santana more than anything. Once her eyes were shut, Santana leaned forward and lightly brushed her lips against Brittany's. Brittany's eyes shot open and she gaped at Santana in shock.
"See, it's easy," Santana said, hiding her nervousness underneath words of confidence.
Of course, Brittany saw right through Santana. So, with her heart racing and butterflies storming her stomach, Brittany gently placed her hand on Santana's jaw and kissed her. This time it was more than a simple meeting of lips. The kiss soon escalated as both girls felt their heart rates rise and their stomachs sink in the most delicious way.
Soon after that kiss, Brittany and Santana began secretly dating, soft kisses turning into intense make-out sessions. See, the 18th birthday of every individual marked the day they would find the name of their soulmate scrolled on the inside of their wrist. This rendered dating completely arbitrary and filled with the potential for heartache. So, people simply did not participate in the ritual. They would wait till the magical name found its way onto their wrists and dedicate the rest of their days to finding and being with their "soulmate". But the sheer intensity of emotion Brittany and Santana felt as they kissed each other, left no doubt in their minds that they were destined to be soulmates.
With every word made and every kiss shared, both girls fell more in love with each other, solidifying the belief that they were meant to be. It took about a year for Brittany and Santana to make their relationship public, something most others looked upon with pity and disdain. But neither girl cared, Brittany and Santana knew the name that would be appear on their wrists the day they turned 18.
"Hey babe," Santana said with a smile as she grabbed Brittany's hand and captured her lips in a slow kiss by the front of their lockers.
Brittany couldn't help the smile that took her face hostage as she rested her forehead against Santana's.
In a soft voice, Brittany announced, "Tomorrow is the day we finally prove everybody wrong."
Santana replied with a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. As always, Brittany wasn't fooled.
"What's wrong Santana? You should be excited! We turn 18 in less than 24 hours and I can't wait to wake up every day to your name on my wrist."
"It's not that B. It's just…what if we're wrong? What if we really aren't soulmates?" Santana's voice broke slightly at the thought.
"Honey, I know I'm not all that smart"-Santana gave Brittany a disapproving look at this, but allowed her girlfriend to continue-"but if there is one thing I know it's that you and me are meant to be. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I love you more than I've ever loved anything."
Santana took some comfort in this, but she couldn't completely shake her nerves. What if they were wrong? No, that would be impossible. Brittany was right, she had to be. Even all the skeptics at school believed that they were soulmates and Santana knew there was no doubting how she felt.
The rest of the day passed rather slowly. School seemed even more unnecessarily long than usual and when the bell finally rang, both girls felt relieved. As they stood in front of their cars, Brittany and Santana shared a long kiss, the two of them trying to infuse all they felt towards one another, into it. They had made a deal to not see each other until the next morning.
When Brittany got home she actually decided to work on her homework for a bit to try and pass the time. She even got halfway through her English assignment before giving up, becoming frustrated at the way the letters seemed to mix up and curl off the page in a blurry mess. Glancing at the clock, Brittany realized only an hour and half had passed, though it surly felt like it had been days. With an exasperated sigh, she decided to de-stress with her favorite pass time. Brittany made her way to the basement; the large empty space decorated only in old, faded blue carpet, one floor-length mirror and a stereo on the left-hand side. Brittany plugged her iPod into the speakers and chose her favorite dance playlist. Within a minute, she found herself completely immersed in the fluid motions of her dancing.
Finally the clock read 9 o'clock and, even though she wasn't tired at all, Brittany got ready for bed, stretching out on her soft mattress. She had tied a bandana around her left wrist so she wouldn't be tempted to stare at it until the morning. Unsurprisingly, Brittany simply could not sleep. She counted leaping Lord Tubbingtons, relaxed every muscle in her body and even thought about physics, a subject that always put Brittany right to sleep. Her excitement and nerves, however, prevented her mind from finally drifting off. Eventually, at around three in the morning, Brittany succumbed to sleep.
The sound of a Taylor Swift song jolted Brittany out of her rather unfulfilling slumber. Today was the day. All of a sudden, Brittany was encompassed by a feeling of dread. With tension running through her veins, she slowly removed the bandana from her wrist.
On the other side of town, Santana began weeping uncontrollably. If Brittany wasn't so preoccupied, she might have heard the sound of Santana's world crumbling.
There are a rare collection of people who, on their 18th birthday, find their wrists still blank. These few, pitiable individuals are often, jokingly (or maybe fearfully would be more accurate) called the Souless. The Souless do not have a soulmate and are sentenced to the kind of lonely life most people dread. Many often date within their group, dedicate their lives to their work, become celibate or, quite oppositely, become rather promiscuous.
Still, the fact remained that the Souless were the lepers of a world built around the concept of "soulmates". They were damned; the physical representation of every romantic's greatest fear.
No, this couldn't be right. It had to be a mistake. Maybe her mom had lied about the date of her birthday. That had to be it; it was the only thing that made sense. Yes. That was what was going on. She had to see Santana straight away; surely her wrist would have the name "Brittany Pierce" etched on it.
Brittany grabbed a few thick bracelets to cover her blank wrist and quickly got ready for school.
When she entered the kitchen, Brittany saw a single cupcake and a letter wishing her the best of birthdays, signed by her mom. Sick to her stomach, Brittany threw the cupcake in the trash.
Today was supposed to be the best day of her life.
Brittany continued to wait at her locker after the bell rang. When she had only three minutes to get to class she released a shaky sigh, pulled out the map Santana had made her, and headed to first period. Santana hadn't met her at their lockers like she usually did every morning. Instead of letting her worries run rampant, Brittany figured Santana had just overslept. That made perfect sense. Santana had probably experienced just as difficult a time falling asleep the night before as Brittany, resulting in her sleeping past her alarm and being late for school. That was the only speculation Brittany allowed herself to believe.
Finally the bell rang, signaling the beginning of lunch. Brittany headed toward her locker to try and meet Santana, like she had for the past four years. This time Brittany released an exasperated sigh of frustration when it became quite clear that Santana had not shown up to school. Brittany did not let her mind wonder and resolved to head over to Santana's house right after school.
Brittany didn't think it was possible to be as nervous as she was to ring a doorbell. The task was easy, but Brittany couldn't help but feel the urge to throw up then run away and hide until the nightmare that was her 18th birthday had ended. Five minutes later, Brittany pressed her index finger against the elongated doorbell button and waited.
After what seemed like five years, but was more like three minutes, the door opened, revealing a downtrodden Santana with eyes bloodshot from what was probably an entire day of crying.
"No," Brittany whispered, her eyes beginning to water. She had hoped that if Santana's wrist didn't say her name, then it would at least be blank too. From the look Santana was giving her though, this didn't seem likely.
Santana lifted her wrist, revealing the name "Amy Walsh" printed in clear, elegant black cursive. Brittany began to sob, causing Santana to hesitantly wrap her arms around the girl.
"We can still be together, can't we?" Brittany asked, her voice weak and cracking. "It doesn't matter, S. I know we belong together! So let's just ignore it and stay like we are."
"Britt…" Santana's voice was desperate and broken as she leaned back to look into Brittany's blue eyes. "What does your wrist say?"
Brittany couldn't find the strength to say anything, so she turned her wrist upwards to show Santana. All she saw was the unaltered, pale skin she had affectionately kissed too many times too count; Santana began to cry.
"Oh God Brittany."
"It doesn't matter to me, as long as I'm with you." The sincerity of Brittany's voice caused Santana to weep even more.
"You know we can't, baby. It's fate. I guess we weren't meant to be after all." Santana began sobbing.
"No! Us being together, that's fate!" Brittany said, her voice earnest and suddenly strong. But Brittany knew how Santana was. All that bravado covered up just how insecure she was and Brittany knew that Santana's fear of the talks and the looks that would come with defying destiny was enough to keep the girls apart.
"We…we can still be friends," Santana's remark came out more like a question. A plea.
Brittany completely fell apart, she couldn't be here anymore. She had to leave. She had to figure something out to make this all go away. So Brittany, bawling uncontrollably, gave Santana one last kiss, putting all she felt, all of herself, into it and ran away.
The rest of senior year was filled with longing glances, awkward conversations and enough tears to fill the Pacific Ocean. Brittany and Santana slowly drifted apart, it just hurt too much to be together. As graduation neared, both girls wondered what would happen next. Would Brittany be alone for the rest of her life? Who was Amy Walsh? Could she and Santana honestly have a love stronger than what Santana and Brittany shared?
Last year, Brittany and Santana had made plans to go to New York after high school. Brittany had gotten into Juilliard and Santana had been accepted to NYU. It was supposed to be the beginning of their future together. Now it was just a painful reminder of what they would never have.
Three years later…
It was 10 o'clock when Brittany woke up. Saturday's were Brittany's favorite because she actually got to sleep in for once. Plus, since it was the first Saturday of the month that meant an Individualist meeting in an underground club, which was conveniently close to her apartment. Brittany rolled out of bed, slipping on her dinosaur pajama pants that matched her top (she hated sleeping with pants on) and warming her feet in the furry bunny slippers located at the foot of her bed.
The smell of Saturday breakfast being cooked led Brittany immediately to the kitchen.
"Mmmm, smells awesome!" Brittany said excitedly to her roommate, who was thankfully a pretty talented cook.
Quinn turned her head away from the stove and gave Brittany a bright smile before returning to her breakfast duties. While Quinn and Brittany had known each other in high school, they had never been close. Most of Brittany's time was occupied with Santana and, truthfully, Quinn hadn't been the friendliest person back then. Once Brittany and Quinn realized that they both intended on attending Juilliard (Brittany for dance and Quinn for drama), they began to develop a deeper friendship. Both figured that it would be nice knowing at least one person when they made the move from Lima to New York. Also, after Brittany's break up with Santana, if it could really even be called that, she found comfort in Quinn. It didn't take long for them to become close. Brittany knew how to deal with Quinn's bitchy attitude (she had a lot of experience with Santana after all) and Quinn appreciated how straight forward, though often times confusing, Brittany could be.
About halfway into their first year of college, Quinn finally decided to ask what exactly had happened to cause the break up between Brittany and Santana. Quinn assumed that the names on the wrists hadn't been each others, which was half right. When Brittany shamefully revealed that she had no name written on her wrist, they went from being close friends to best friends. The truth was, Quinn's wrist was empty too.
It was during their second year at Juilliard that Quinn stumbled upon the Individualist movement. The Individualists were a revolutionary group seeking to destroy the "soulmate system". They firmly believed that, while the names that appeared on most individuals' wrist on their 18th birthday were definitely compatible partners, this didn't mean that they were soulmates. The Individualists believed that someone's "real" soulmate could be a different person and that most people stayed with each other because of the status quo instead of who they actually had a deeper and more meaningful connection with. The movement argued that the "soulmate system" ended up controlling people's lives more so than easing their minds with the knowledge of who they were supposed to find true love with. While most members of the Individualists were Souless, many were also Abnegates. Abnegates were individuals who did indeed have names on their wrists, but simply rejected the "soulmate system". As a result, Abnegates tended to either cover up the name or, in more extreme cases, burn it away.
Quinn became extremely passionate about the movement. It took her three months, however, to convince Brittany to check it out. Brittany was nervous about the whole thing, she hated confrontation and the entire purpose of the Individualists was to confront the system. All it took was one meeting though, for Brittany's zeal to be ignited. The Individualist movement spoke to her on a personal level; it was everything she had desired to do with Santana, but hadn't been able to adequately voice. This ignited a part of Brittany, a part she frequently pushed to the back of her mind, which hoped that maybe the change enacted by the Individualists would be a way to get Santana back.
Santana had no idea how she ended up actually becoming friends with Rachel Berry. The hobbit (okay so she wasn't really all that short) had somehow managed to find a pretty decent apartment with Kurt in New York, since neither of them had any desire to stay in the NYADA dorms. The rent was still a little high for them, even with the financial assistance from their parents. After Rachel literally ran into Santana (not to mention Santana's insults) she had an epiphany. Long story short, after much a lot of groveling on Kurt and Rachel's part, they were able to convince Santana to move in with them. She hated the NYU dorms anyway.
It was during that first year when Santana met Amy Walsh. While Santana was still devastated about what had happened with Brittany, she remained afraid that defying destiny would lead to both their downfalls. Honestly, the first time Santana met Amy, she had been less than thrilled. A part of her automatically hated this girl who had taken away the best part of Santana's life.
Amy and Santana became aware of each other during roll call in their only shared class. Being soulmates, Amy had no reservations about asking Santana out on a date. Reluctantly, Santana agreed, she was meant to be with Amy after all.
Surprisingly, or maybe not-so-surprisingly, Santana ended up really enjoying Amy's company. The red-headed girl was spunky with a wit that easily kept up with Santana's quick remarks. Even though a part of Santana hated herself for it, she found herself falling in love for the second time. There was still a voice in the back of Santana's mind though, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Brittany's, reminding her that although she was in love with Amy, it was like comparing a drizzle to a hurricane.
Most days, Santana was able to block the thought out.
After breakfast, Quinn headed to work and Brittany made her way to the coffee shop. When Brittany first started at Julliard, she found herself watching people in lieu of doing her assignments. For some reason, the pass time had really taken with Brittany. She enjoyed seeing how people interacted with each other: friends embracing old friends, couples exchanging wistful glances, the defeated looks of students who had just failed a test. Brittany figured she took some sort of solace in it. Observing how people communicated, specifically couples, and comparing it to her past experiences. In a way, she was using this surveillance to test the hypothesis the Individualist movement embodied.
So, on Saturdays, Brittany liked to go down to her favorite coffee shop and simply examine the people around her. It was calming, and distracted her from the more unpleasant thoughts that clawed at the edges of an idled mind.
Brittany placed her usual order, shortly found herself seated in her usual corner and, like usual, sat back and scrutinized, occasionally jotting things down in her people-watching notebook (really these were field notes, an essential for any good observational scientist).
Looking back, Brittany wasn't sure how she could have missed it, but amidst the typical Saturday rush, Brittany heard one of the servers call out a name she hadn't even been able to say in three years.
And there she was: Santana. It would be cliché to say that Santana had grown more beautiful over the past three years, but it was true. She had transformed from a teenage girl into a young adult, and she was radiant. Santana exuded a more natural confidence, one that seemed less of a façade and more of an honest reflection of who she was.
Brittany wasn't sure what exactly made her do it, but then again, she had always been naturally drawn to Santana. She soon found herself a few steps away from the woman.
"S-Santana?" Brittany said just loud enough for the girl in question to hear.
Santana whirled around in what seemed like slow motion to Brittany. In fact, Brittany was pretty sure there were sparkles surrounding the woman who still had her heart.
For a moment, Santana's face lost all confidence and consumed by complete shock, but she quickly masked it with an expression of mild surprise.
"Brittany?" Santana questioned in return.
"Wow, what are the chances?" Brittany made extra sure that her voice didn't tremble, "H-h-how have you been?"
"Uhh, well. I've…I've been fine. God, I can't believe we actually ran into each other."
"I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later," Brittany said with a delicate smile.
They stood, staring at each other for a few minutes before a noise from Santana's phone jolted them back to reality.
As Santana looked up from her phone, she revealed, with what Brittany could swear was slight disappointment that she was running late and had to get going.
"Wait!" Brittany said as Santana made to leave. "We-uhh-we should catch up sometime. I've-I've really missed you. Would you like to grab a coffee with me here some day that you're free?"
Santana looked hesitant, but as always she could never refuse Brittany. "Yeah, I'd like that. Next Saturday? Same time, same place?"
Brittany shook her head a bit too enthusiastically, revealing more excitement then she wanted to. She just couldn't believe it. Today was turning out to be her lucky day.
Brittany wasn't sure why she didn't tell Quinn about her run in with Santana. Quinn was the one person she shared everything with, but for some reason Brittany was hesitant to tell her this. Maybe it was because Brittany knew Quinn would be wary about Brittany's plan to familiarize herself with Santana again. Quinn had become ferociously protective of Britt over the years and knew how much Santana had hurt her. Brittany had the feeling that Quinn had gone through something similar, but even though the girls told each other everything, there were some things that Quinn remained closed off about.
Brittany reasoned that she didn't tell Quinn because she wasn't sure what was going to happen on the upcoming Saturday. If things went badly, Brittany would just forget about it (or at least try to) and if things went well, then she would tell Quinn. That was definitely the reason. Brittany kept it a secret because she wouldn't want to talk about it if things with Santana went south. Brittany prayed to the God she wasn't sure how she felt about, that everything would be okay.
Saturday came much faster than Brittany had anticipated. The night before she couldn't fall asleep, her mind kept running through every possible, but mostly bad, scenario. In the back of her mind, Brittany was reminded of the night before she turned 18.
When Brittany had finished her ritualistic Saturday breakfast with Quinn, she showered, cleaning herself so thoroughly that her skin ached. She proceeded to spend a ludicrous amount of time choosing the perfect outfit. She didn't want to seem like she had put too much or too little effort into it. By the time she finished her make-up and hair, Brittany had to rush to get to the coffee shop on time.
Giving the café a speedy look-over and concluding that Santana had not yet arrived, Brittany decided to order her usual and sit at her oh-so-familiar table. As she made her way into the line, Brittany slightly panicked. Should she order Santana something? No, that would be too personal. Plus, Brittany didn't even know what Santana liked anymore. She had to mentally shake off the unexpected reminder of how little she knew about Santana these days. Brittany really didn't want to have teary eyes when she arrived.
Brittany was at her table for about five minutes before she saw Santana enter. She waved so Santana knew where she was, and worked on calming herself down while Santana ordered. Something told her having a heart attack was not the best way to start things off with Santana again, especially since heart attacks were just from loving too much and would be a dead giveaway to Brittany's feelings. For all Brittany knew, Santana could have met and fallen in love with that Amy Walsh. The name Brittany had never forgotten that continued to leave a foul taste in her mouth.
Finally, Santana sat down, directly across from Brittany.
"Hey, Santana!" Brittany said, probably a bit too cheerfully.
"Hi Brit..tany." Santana responded.
Brittany immediately noticed Santana's obvious discomfort and attempted to alleviate it with some basic small talk.
"So how have you been?"
"I've been good," was Santana's short reply.
"You still at NYU?"
"Yup."
Brittany internally sighed; Santana really wasn't making this easy.
"Oooookay. Well do you live on campus then?" Brittany tried again for some kind of substantial conversation.
"No."
Brittany waited for Santana to elaborate but, to her disappointment, the silence only stretched.
Getting exasperated, Brittany decided to be blunt, "You know, conversations are a lot easier if you say more than one word."
Santana looked down, embarrassed. "Sorry," she said. "I guess I'm just kinda nervous. I mean, God, the last time we spoke was like three years ago. I think I keep expecting you to disappear." Santana gave a light chuckle.
Brittany was shocked. She hadn't expected Santana to be so open about what she was feeling. Brittany guessed that Santana really had changed over the years and while Brittany was glad the young woman wasn't so closed off anymore, she couldn't help but wish she had been there to see and assist Santana's transformation.
"I understand," Brittany replied. "Why don't you tell me about whatever you can think of that's happened in the past three years and then I'll just do the same?"
Conversation began to flow a bit more naturally after that. Brittany was surprised and greatly amused when Santana explained how she was living with Kurt and Rachel now. Santana seemed to take comfort in the fact that Brittany was living with Quinn. They updated each other on their lives as best they could, avoiding any topics revolving around romance. But then, Brittany saw the ring on Santana's left hand.
"So I guess you found what's her name? Amanda?" Brittany stated, pointing at Santana's ring.
"What?...Oh! Yeah, uhh Amy," Santana answered with a blush.
"So how long have you guys been married?"
"Married?! No, no, we aren't married. This is just more of, like, a promise ring, I guess." Santana slipped the band off to show Brittany as she spoke.
"Oooohh," Brittany couldn't help the relief she experiences. She immediately felt guilty. "Well, how long have you guys been together?"
"About…three years." Santana's answer was hesitant.
Brittany kind of wished she hadn't asked. Was Santana really able to move on so quickly? Maybe this Amy chick really was Santana's soulmate. Brittany hid the pain from her face, avoiding direct eye contact with Santana.
Unfortunately, the curious masochist within Brittany led her to further inquire about Amy. Santana explained that they had met during her first year at NYU, in the class the girls shared. Amy, being two years older than Santana, had apparently been searching for her for a very long time and couldn't contain her excitement upon hearing Santana's name being read off the attendance list. Amy asked Santana out on a date to Breadstix, Santana's favorite restaurant, and the rest was history.
"What about you?" Santana asked carefully.
"What about me?" Brittany responded.
"I meant, like, your love life."
Brittany had been hoping that they would leave this highly agonizing subject after Santana finished explaining Amy, but it did make sense that Santana would ask.
"I haven't had anything serious. Though I did date an Abnegated guy for like a week, he was a horrible kisser and kept calling me Betty." At this, Santana gave her first real laugh since entering the coffee shop and Brittany couldn't help the huge grin that overtook her face. Brittany loved Santana's laugh and it felt good to hear it after so long. Sometimes, she would even hear it in her dreams.
After a moment, Santana donned a slightly confused (but completely adorable) look. "Wait, Abnegated? How did you meet one of them? Aren't they like exclusive to Individualists?" Santana said. "Actually, that's kinda hypocritical if you think about it."
Crap. Brittany wasn't really sure how Santana would take her involvement with the Individualists. At the very least, the topic would make things awkward again because of what the movement obviously implied about Brittany's feelings towards Santana.
Screw it, Brittany thought. She was still madly in love with Santana and firmly believed they belonged together. There was nothing to be ashamed of.
She only halfway convinced herself, but decided to be honest with Santana anyway.
"Well, funny thing is, I'm actually involved with the Individualist movement. Me and Quinn both are." Brittany's cheeks flushed slightly.
The look on Santana's face gave away her shock. "Seriously?"
Britt nodded, her fingers beginning to fidget lightly on top of the table.
Santana instinctually laid a comforting hand on top of Brittany's, in a successful attempt to calm her down. Realizing what she had done, Santana quickly jerked her hand away.
"Sorry, it's just I know how you hate confrontation…or at least how you used to." Santana said, her voice getting smaller as her sentence ended.
"I do. I wouldn't have thought twice about joining if Quinn hadn't dragged me to a meeting." Brittany admitted and, in a sudden bout of honestly, she continued, "I mean it's just something that means a lot to me. I think the Individualists are right about a lot of things and if I can change just a handful of minds, well that'll be enough for me."
Santana became somewhat uneasy at Brittany's confession, responding only with a "Yeah."
It was then that Santana looked at her watch, realizing she was going to be late for her evening shift at the bar she worked at.
As both girls got up to leave, Brittany gathered her courage one last time. It's now or never.
"Hey, do you wanna maybe exchange numbers? The truth is I really missed you, Santana. And I-I know we can't be like we used to, but we started out as best friends. I think maybe, if you wanted to, we could at least get that back." Brittany's voice shook somewhat, but her eyes were hopeful.
Santana gave Brittany a gentle smile. "Yeah, I'd really like that."
The huge grin on Brittany's face didn't go away until the next day.
Brittany continued to avoid telling Quinn about what had happened with Santana. Truth was, she really didn't want Quinn to be mad at her and she honestly wasn't sure how Quinn was going to react. After two days of Brittany's near-constant texting and bright smiles, which hadn't been seen in years, Quinn confronted her.
"Okay, what's going on with you?" Quinn asked.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Brittany replied, evasively.
"Do NOT give me that crap Brittany Pierce. You have been glued to your phone since Saturday and every time you look at it you smile and giggle like a high school girl talking to her first crush. So don't you try and deny that something is up."
Okay, so Quinn had a point. There was no use in avoiding it; Brittany was going to have to tell Quinn eventually.
"Okay, but don't get mad!"
"I make no promises," Quinn smirked.
"Okay, so, like a week ago, I ran into Santana at the coffee shop I go to every Saturday," Quinn's face remained impassive, much to Brittany's concern. Quinn was always a difficult person to read. Santana may have been closed off, but her eyes always gave her away. Quinn had this eerie ability to turn her face into a marble statue at will.
"And so I asked her to meet me there again…and she did. And we were just catching up and stuff, ya know, cuz I missed her. I mean she was my best friend for a significant period of time. Not to say that you aren't my best friend, because you are and I love you and I'm perfectly happy with you but it's Santana so, ya know? And uhh so I asked for her number and stuff cuz I wanted to be, like, friends with her again and so, yeah. That's what's been going on," Brittany rambled.
At the sight of her best friend's nervousness, Quinn's face softened.
"I get it B...and that's great. I mean, I'm honestly really surprised you ran into her in the first place, but I know how happy she makes you…" Quinn paused briefly, contemplating how to word what she wanted to say. "It's just…be careful, okay? After you guys broke up you were a complete mess. I've never seen you so broken in all the years I've known you and I know you still haven't recovered from it. So just be careful, Britt. If Facebook is anything to go by, it looks like she found that Amy chick. Just don't do anything stup-"Quinn reworded, "careless."
The rare, caring look that Quinn gave her, made Brittany stand up and embrace Quinn, lifting the shorter girl off the floor and spinning her in a circle.
"I know, Q. I actually found about Amy from her, so I know I have no chance. I just want to be friends with her again and if I feel like I can't handle it, well then I'll just put some distance between us. I promise."
Quinn felt somewhat reassured by Brittany's words, hugging the taller girl back and laughing at Brittany's antics.
"Okay, okay! I trust you, B. And you know I love you too."
It didn't take long for Brittany and Santana to feel relaxed each other again. Both of them had always felt the most at ease when they were together, and their friendship was similar to riding a bike. As they spent more time collectively, Brittany and Santana's friendship continued to revert back to how it used to be, or at least how it was before they began dating. Of course, Amy and the Individualists were still delicate topics which they avoided like rabies.
Aside from that, Brittany felt happier than she had in the past three years combined and the slowly filling Brittany-shaped hole in Santana's heart made her feel less empty. Eventually Kurt, Rachel and Quinn joined in as well, completing the reunion of old friends. Amy was obviously left out group activities, much to Brittany's relief.
Before anyone knew it, three months had passed and everything was looking up. However, not all was perfect.
Brittany kept trying to deny it, and ultimately resorted to flat out ignoring it. The "it" being the fact that Brittany had never stopped being in love with Santana. To add to her dismay, Brittany seemed to be falling even more in love, something no one thought possible.
Santana had changed over the years. There was nothing drastically different about her, but Brittany had always been the kind of person to notice the little thing. Santana had become…friendlier. She was actually nice to Rachel; they even hugged once which left Brittany and Quinn slack-jawed. Santana's insults were less vitriolic and more familiar teasing.
Brittany had always known that Santana didn't hate Kurt and Rachel or any of the Glee kids. Slander was Santana's default setting and here main defense mechanism. When Brittany and Santana began dating back in high school was when Santana started to become notably kinder. She was still Santana, she was just less angry at the world, causing her sardonic comments to become softer around the edges.
Brittany was so proud that Santana had finally embraced her awesomeness and stopped being so defensive, but the ever-present voice in the back of Brittany's mind reminded her that this change was because of Amy, not Brittany. So while Santana's developments compelled Brittany to fall in love all over again, this time was significantly more bittersweet.
One day, when the whole gang was hanging out at Kurt, Rachel and Santana's blessedly large apartment, Quinn caught Brittany staring at Santana the way she used to back when they had dated.
Quinn began to watch Brittany closer than she had before, and to her dismay, Quinn noticed more yearning stares, soft glances and intimate touches between the girls. A thorough examination of Quinn's newly gathered evidence suggested that, to nobody's suprise, Brittany was in love with Santana. Perhaps more so than before. With no other option in sight, Quinn decided to confront Brittany when it was just the two of them (a rarity these days).
Brittany was sprawled out on the couch, desperately trying to actually intake the information she was reading from her textbook, when Quinn sat down in the loveseat opposite her.
"Brittany," Quinn began, folding her hands together, "we need to talk."
The first thought in Brittany's head was that this did not sound like a pleasurable conversation about unicorns and fairy tales.
"Oh, okay," Brittany replied cautiously.
"You're in love with Santana."
"Well that was frank."
Quinn gave Brittany a pointed look. "Look, I'm not an idiot, I know you never stopped being in love with her. I think it's like hard-wired into your brain at this point. The problem is, I can see you falling more in love with her. Which I didn't actually think was possible, but I digress."
Quinn began to pace around the room. "I just don't want you getting hurt and right now that is probably inevitable. But you can't keep going on like this, because it's just gonna make everything worse. I'm afraid that you're going to reach a point that will absolutely break you. Brittany, I don't wanna see you fall apart again. You've always had this beautiful thing about you. You can make even skeptics believe in magic and can't stand the thought of you losing that."
Brittany let out a subdued sigh. She knew Quinn was right and she hated it.
"I know," Brittany said softly. "I just don't know how to make it stop. I can't not have her in my life. I just…I can't."
Quinn affected a tender gaze.
"I think it might be best for you to spend less time with her. Put some distance between the two of you. Hell, maybe try to genuinely date around."
"I don't think I'm ready to start anything like that with anyone just yet, but you're right. I'm gonna have to start putting some space between."
Brittany's heart ached at the thought; nevertheless she knew it had to be done. Otherwise, she would lose herself completely, in a way where she wouldn't be sure she could ever fully find herself again. If she didn't do something, it would be worse than the break up and Brittany knew she wouldn't survive that.
Santana had been pacing the length of the living room for half an hour now. The rug actually looked like it had been permanently indented, not that Santana would have cared if she had even noticed. Her mind was swimming, well at this point, more like drowning.
Brittany. Brittany. Brittany.
What she would give to stop thinking about Brittany.
For the past 30 minutes, Santana had been trying to convince herself that what she felt for Brittany was no big deal. There was no point in denying the fact that she still had feelings for her ex. Brittany was her first love, Santana would probably always feel something a bit more than friendly towards the girl. But that did not mean that those feelings could compare to how she felt about Amy. No way. The connection Santana felt with Brittany could never attempt to rival the true love bond she shared with Amy. Her soulmate. Amy Walsh, the girl she was destined to be with.
At least, that was what Santana kept trying to compel herself to believe. But the voice in the back of her mind, that grew louder with every frantic footstep she took, was making it exceptionally difficult for Santana to hear the facts.
For the first time in her life, Santana thought that she might actually be going insane. She shuddered at the thought. What if she turned into Rach-no! She was not going to finish that thought
Suddenly, Rachel walked into the room.
"Well, speak of the goddamned devil," Santana muttered to herself.
Then the worst thing that could have possibly happen, happened. Rachel began to speak.
"Santana, this is becoming absolutely preposterous. I am demanding that you cease this repetitive action of pacing across the living room!"
Santana sent Rachel a glare, but did stop moving. She prayed that this would be enough for Rachel to leave her alone.
Much to Santana's dismay, Rachel continued to talk.
"Good! Now that you have ceased such a superfluous and arbitrary action you may tell me what is causing you to adapt such a neurotic behavior."
Santana rolled her eyes at Rachel's inability to talk like a normal human being.
"Look Berry, nothing is wrong, and even if there was something wrong, I would sooner summon the devil and ask advice from him then subject myself to your endless, self-indulgent speeches," Santana replied, her voice dripping with irritation and sarcasm.
Rachel ignored this. "Santana, I want to help you and not just for the sake of that rather expensive carpet you have been down-trotting for the past half hour. While you may try and deny it, we are friends and I do indeed care about you. I'm also willing to bet my bottom dollar that the issue that is causing you such distress is directly linked to one Ms. Brittany Pierce."
Santana bit her bottom lip. Amidst the slew of unnecessary words that Rachel had just spewed, she had hit the nail on the head. Plus it was true, Rachel was her friend (begrudgingly) and right now Santana needed some advice, because she was pretty sure that if she didn't figure everything out soon, she would ruin her relationships with Amy and Brittany.
Feeling overcome, Santana collapsed onto the couch.
"Fine, hobbit. For once, you're actually right." Santana glared at the self-satisfying smile Rachel assumed, swiftly wiping it off.
Santana had been getting better at opening up to people, and right now she really needed some guidance. So Santana sucked up her pride and began to explain.
"I just…I'm so freaking confused! I'm so glad to have Britt back in my life, but it's starting to drive me crazy!" Santana massaged her temples.
"Am I right in assuming this is because you still have feelings for Brittany even though you have a girlfriend? One who is supposed to be your soulmate?"
"Yes," Santana reluctantly admitted.
"So is the issue here a matter of choice between the two? Or have you resolved to stay with Amy and are in need of assistance in doing away with your feelings for Brittany?"
"It's never been a matter of choice, Rachel. I'm supposed to be with Amy. It's her name written on my wrist and she is the one that I'm destined to be with!"
Rachel found what she was looking for in Santana's tone of voice and choice of words.
"All right, Santana. I'm going to reveal to you something I have never told anyone before, but of which I have had a great deal of time to ponder and have thus come to a proper conclusion about."
"I swear to God Berry, if this doesn't have something to actually do with me, I'm going to burn every piece of Barbra Streisand paraphernalia you own!"
"Now no need to be rash! I assure you, this directly relates to your dilemma."
"Fine. Continue."
"Funnily enough, like you, I fell in love with someone before my eighteenth birthday. Unlike you, however, I did not date this particular individual. Actually, to this day, I have no idea if this person returned my feelings or even knew I possessed them. As I'm sure you have deducted, it was not the person I was in love with whose name appeared on my wrist. It is well-known fact that Finn Hudson was and still is the name inscribed there. While I had never interacted with him for a significant amount of time in the past, when I discovered who Finn was, I found myself reasonably attracted to him in a physical sense. After a multitude of dates, I realized I was falling in love with him. Today, it is obvious that I am deeply in love with Finn and am absolute in my feelings of love for him. However, in the quieter moments, when I was left alone with my thoughts, I began to think of the person I had fallen in love with before I even knew who Finn was. In short," -definitely not short enough, Santana thought- "I have come to the realization that, while I still have feelings for Finn, those feelings were artificial in comparison. I've concluded with express sureness that, even though I would care for Finn no matter what, the feelings I have for him are no match for the feelings I have for that other individual. It seems that I have developed such romantic feelings for Finn out of a reflex of necessity. To this day, I regret my choice to follow the guidelines of the world around me instead of the earnestness of my heart."
Rachel reached for a tissue to dab at her teary eyes as she (finally) concluded her sad tale of love.
For some reason, this all hit Santana like an atomic missile. What Rachel had just revealed reminded Santana of Brittany's pleas so long ago and the entire mission statement of the Individualist movement. Looking back, Santana had no idea why it took Rachel's recollection for her to realize the obvious. She cared for Amy, she honestly and sincerely did, but how could she have ever thought such feelings could compare to what she had with Brittany.
By forcing herself to accept the status quo, Santana destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to her. Screw some name written on her wrist, what she had had (and hopefully could still have) with Brittany was on an entirely different level, in an entirely different dimension.
Santana spent the rest of the evening, and late into that night, mulling over her newfound realization. She wanted to be completely sure of herself before she did anything, because what Santana had planned wasn't something she could take back.
As her eyes closed and she began drifting off to sleep, Santana was overcome with a surety unlike anything she had ever experienced before.
She really didn't want to do this. Santana had never considered breaking up with Amy a possibility before, but now it was more of an inevitability. She hoped against hope that this wouldn't end too terribly.
Santana was wrong. Things between her and Amy had ended much worse than she could have imagined. When Santana explained that she couldn't be with Amy any longer and that they needed to break up, Amy lost it.
Years later, Santana would realize that Amy reacted primarily out of fear. What Santana was doing was simply unheard of and Amy believed, with every particle of her genetic makeup, that Santana was her soulmate, her true love.
In Amy's eyes, Santana ending things with her meant that Amy would live the rest of her days alone, without romance, her soulmate had rejected her. Santana hoped that one day Amy would find someone else and that maybe, if she was lucky, Amy would forgive her. Perhaps, if things worked out really well, Amy would even thank her.
Santana was pretty sure she had never felt this apprehensive in her entire existence. According to her inside sources, Quinn was at work and Brittany was lounging around at home. Santana quickly adjusted the dress she was wearing, which was the best one she owned, and switched the flower she was carrying into her right hand.
After staring at Brittany's (and technically Quinn's too but that wasn't the point) door for a minute straight, Santana reminded herself that she was from Lima Heights Adjacent and wasn't afraid of anything. Anything except this, apparently.
Finally, Santana knocked.
Brittany hadn't been expecting anyone that Sunday afternoon, so she was pretty surprised when she heard a series of knocks on the door of her apartment. She sent a quick prayer that it wasn't the animal police (Lord Tubbington had a reputation after all) and headed toward the door to open it.
What she saw on the other side was the last thing she expected. Honestly, Brittany would have been less shocked if Jesus had been standing outside of her door smoking a joint. Instead, it was Santana holding a flower out to her.
"Uhh, Santana?" Brittany questioned.
"The one and only," Santana responded, voice full of an over-the-top bravado. "Here. Take this. It's for you." Santana handed Brittany the flower she had brought over.
Brittany accepted the flower and invited Santana in, more confused than she had been in her entire life.
"What are yo-," Brittany started, stopping as she fully examined the blossom. Her voice was soft and awestruck as she said, "It's an orchid…that's my favorite. You-you remembered?"
"Of course I did, B. How could I ever forget?" Santana's voice was uncharacteristically small and, more surprisingly, completely vulnerable.
"Okay, I need you to hear me out, so please just listen to what I have to say before you say anything," pleaded Santana.
Brittany nodded and took a seat on her couch.
Santana took a deep breath, her hands fidgeting relentlessly. "I broke up with Amy. I'm sure you're wondering why I did and why I'm telling you this, so I'm going to explain. Ironically, Rachel, of all the half-dwarf, semi-human beings in the world, was the one who helped me out. You were right, Brittany. I wish I had listened to you three years ago, it would have saved us both a lot of pain. This name on my wrist? It doesn't matter. Because…because I don't need to be told who my soulmate is. I'm pretty sure I knew the moment you kissed me. You're it for me, B. And I was too stupid to realize that. I believed some magically appearing name on my wrist over everything we had had together. And I know I don't deserve it and I honestly don't expect you to, but Brittany S. Pierce, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and if I'm lucky enough you still feel the same way about me, will you go out with me?"
Brittany gapped at her for several consecutive seconds, each tick of the clock increasing Santana's desire to throw up and jump in front of the nearest bulldozer.
Then, Brittany's eyes began to water as she got up from the couch, walked over to Santana, and kissed her with everything she had to give.
It took a second for Santana to respond, but she quickly wrapped her arms around Brittany's neck as they kissed, slow and passionately, every repressed emotion from the last three years being shared between them until they finally had to come up for air.
"I take that as a yes?"
It had been four years since that day. The name on Santana's wrist had long ago been replaced by smooth burn marks. Every morning, after her routine shower, Santana took the sharpie that she always carried with her and scrawled the words Brittany Pierce in thick, black cursive on top of the smooth scars of her left wrist. It matched the Santana Lopez Brittany made sure was always written on hers.