AN: A take on Jane and Lisbon's relationship as the threat of Red John becomes more real. Reviews greatly appreciated!
There is a constant strain in Teresa's heart. It used to accompany particularly difficult cases – instances that hit her hard; her heart heavy on seeing children in difficulty, a small lump in her throat to be swallowed where drunk driving was concerned, deep sorrow for Patrick on seeing his reaction to Red John's occasional taunts. But these days, these feelings – that were once the exception - have become the rule. The regrettable change has been reflected in her relationship with Jane. A wedge has been driven between her and Jane's light-hearted banter and the sombre high pressure strains that accompany the Red John cases. She knows the strain is becoming more-so, links to Red John are more furiously frequent and personal to Jane all the time so that there's no time for jokes and playfulness. She knows Jane now considers them – anything that distracts from their investigation - a waste of time: they should be focusing on more serious matters. Any frolics from Jane are a cover he puts on for her so she thinks things aren't as they are for Jane, but his attempts do little for her, and they both know it, so neither confront it.
They still have fun, of course they do, now and again; they are Lisbon and Jane, a pairing famous throughout the CBI; but even so, there are more long glances now, more thoughtful pauses, a lot more looks, so much so that she still has a niggling feeling so much that she has to remind herself that for the most part everything is okay.
Teresa and Patrick are closer these days than perhaps they've ever been. Patrick's stint in Las Vegas took its toll, but in the time that's passed since, they've recovered. Teresa finds that Patrick has finally taken heed of her years of willing him to believe that he needs her, and her years of loyalty have recently been rewarded with his complete trust in her. They're closer than ever now, and Teresa loves that, but when she remembers their years spent together, she is startled by how light-hearted they used to be.
Teresa, more than anyone, wants Red John gone, wants this nightmare over for good. She forces herself to believe that they will win out against Red John, but sometimes, when it all becomes so overpowering, it's hard to believe that they're not grasping at straws. Sometimes it feels like they've already lost this battle, that they're only prolonging the inevitable. Despite the fact they're closer now, and mean more to each other than ever before, Teresa catches herself looking back longingly to their earlier years. Back then everything was so light; they had fun. Their lives were never a picnic, of course, they investigated murders every day, but it was different back then. They had a solid rhythm. Patrick pushed forward, Teresa pulled back; Patrick teased, Teresa scolded, they both laughed and laughed. Now they never laugh. They'd feel guilty if they did. That's not how things are now. Coming home with a sickened feeling in her stomach used to be the exception, not the rule. Things are fraught now. Red John is no longer a vague threatening concept, he is real, and he is present, and he is coming for them with all his terrifying force.
She would never dare to breathe her thoughts aloud, but sometimes, in the nights following the bad days, Teresa feels like they have no chance of making it out the other side of this unharmed. It makes her think that she, he, they are running out of time with no chance of survival. It makes her want to run a thousand miles away and take him with her and let them try and live their messed up lives. If they are to go down with Red John in his demise, she'd rather spend her time away from him. Teresa doesn't really care if that isn't noble, she was not put on this earth to be a hero: for although she hides it well, she is a woman who spends too much of her life terrified. She is afraid, and she's not sure how long she can continue to live with these threats in her life. Sometimes she wants to grasp Patrick by his arms and pull him into hers, but she doesn't dare. He took her by the hand one day, years ago now, and danced her around people they'd never known. She played like she was embarrassed, that she disapproved, pretended that she thought he was silly and tried to bat away his attentions, but she loved it. He'd never do that now. There's more pressing issues at hand.
Looking back on their earlier years together, Teresa sees herself and Patrick as though they had been children back then. He'd given her his winnings from the casino in the form of emeralds and diamonds that reminded her of dress up costumes and princesses, as it had when he'd adorned her with a diamond tiara; she'd teased him for kissing Sophie Miller's cheek. He'd presented her with a pony, in her office no less, and she'd fallen for him like a little girl. Teresa can't imagine Patrick would whisk her away to a cabaret just to cheer her up these days, he hasn't brought her strawberries in months.
She loses him to his obsession now, and it breaks her every time. When she's thinking like this, and feeling like this, she wishes she'd have the nerve to do something to shock him, to pull him out of his fervour and bring him back to her, and to how it used to be between them. She'd do anything to break his uncompromising concentration. She'd throw her coffee round his face, she'd slap him, she'd grab him by the lapels and press her lips to his, anything to steal his attention from Red John. But she wouldn't, couldn't do those things.
This was an inevitability, and she should be glad that they're getting closer to catching up on Red John. For years that's been the goal: identify Red John, find Red John, bring Red John to justice. Their whole relationship is based on these goals, their relationship is confusingly owed to Red John. Years and years of work and dedication have seen them to where they are today, finally beginning to close in on their greatest enemy. But now that they are, Teresa realises that they may be reaching the end, and after years of fuelling ahead, she wants to slam on the brakes, reign in the investigation. She's being selfish, she hates herself for it, but somewhere deep inside her, she knows it is the truth. Everything is moving too quickly already, and Red John hasn't even made good on his threat to begin killing since they saw his recording yet. The risks are far greater now, the threats are closer, they are facing the beginning of the end, and every night she finds herself surprised that they've both seen it through another day unharmed.
Teresa wants to get Red John, she needs to get him, but she doesn't want to lose what she has with Patrick, and already she can feel it slipping away. Patrick trusts her implicitly, but his focus is and has always been on Red John, and she'd be a fool to think otherwise. Despite this though, and despite everything, he is the best friend she has ever had. They have hurt each other again and again, but at the end of the day, he is who she wants to be by her side, and she knows he feels the same. It has become her sole prayer that when Red John is gone they will still be standing, still side by side. Maybe then Teresa will be able to put the strain in her heart to bed, and make it the exception once again. She likes that idea, and she vows to make it her lasting rule.