Dear Tony, she wrote, but once again, she immediately painted over it with whiteout. She had already tried Dinozzo, too formal, and Anthony, also too formal, and now as she dabbed the 'y' with white paint, she scoured her brain for a greeting that would set the right tone for the rest of the letter. She got up and paced around the room, adjusting the AC a couple times. She didn't mind the heat of Israel, but she thought maybe her brain did. Her feet came to a halt. She snatched up the pen, touched it to the page and scrawled Mon Petit Pois. Even though it wasn't exactly what she was looking for, she went with it, knowing that she would never be able to think of anything better.
Her long brown curls slowly slid off her shoulder and just barely hovered over the page. She set down her pen and sat back to think. Think of all the memories. Think of all the times they'd been just a hair apart wanting to kiss so badly, but hadn't.
Her glance fell on her fire arm sitting on the coffee table. It of course was not her American gun, but her Mossad weapon. She thought maybe she should clean it. It clears her mind. Keeps her focused on the task in her hand. That had been one of their earliest memories (and of course one of her favorites). It was just the two of them in that hotel room. With of course the occasional check-ups from Mcgee and the constant surveillance from both MTAC and as they later found out the federal agents in the building across the way. She had never figured out if Tony was faking it or not. But she always suspected he was. She sighed. That was one of their first missions together. The first time they'd been in the same room for more than 12 hours.
She shook herself back to reality. She had to focus. But of course she couldn't. She stared at the other two letters; one for Abby, and one for Ducky and Palmer. She knew that she intimidated Palmer and used that as an advantage. In the letter to him and the old English Medical Examiner she caught them up on what was going on with Mossad and a few crazy stories that had happened along with the usual "Can't wait to visit" and "I miss you guys a lot". In the letter to Abby she had also told her some stories and insured her several times of her safety and that she was out of harm's way even though that was not true at all. Her attention was also drawn to the unwritten letters for Mcgee and Gibbs. She had no idea what to say. But that was an issue for the future.
This letter had to be different. This was for Tony. For her partner. For the only man who'd ever gotten behind her walls and seen her at her worst. She began to tear up. A single tear trailed down her cheek. Landing on the paper, leaving a small stain. she wanted to get a new sheet of paper. She didn't want him to know how much she missed him. How much she wanted to see him and hug him and kiss him. She kept it though. She didn't know why, but she did.
She tried to keep her brain on track. She started to write, "I have missed you". 'Everyday, every night, every second of my miserable life' she wanted to write. She swallowed back the pain every day and kept going. The only thing keeping her alive was the thought of seeing him again. "More than you would think." she continued. "I think of you often". She thought for a second. Then painted over the word often and added "And the team". She felt she was being too desperate. "I can't help but remember the time when I first walked into the building." 'And saw you' she wanted so badly to write down those words, but she couldn't.
"The orange gives me headaches just thinking about it. I miss those headaches. I miss the orange." she stared at the small Israeli flag poking up out of her pen cup. Reminding her of her old desk. Her desk across from Tony's. She looked up hoping to see his face, but instead sees all of Tel Aviv outside her window. She should've been happy with this view, but she wasn't. It reminded her too much of when she would look up and see the beautiful D.C. skyline. "How is it in D.C.?" she stopped for a second hoping that somehow his answer would magically appear on the paper. "Business as usual has carried on at Mossad.". She thought about her father. "Orli is treating me well." she struggled to write those words as she couldn't help but let another tear roll onto the page. She took a shaky breath and trudged on.
"I do not know why but I cannot get you out of my brain" she suddenly let all of it out."I think of you every moment. I miss you. A lot. More that I thought I would every miss someone in my life. I know that this is wrong and I shouldn't get this attached, but I am. I can't help myself. Tony I am in love with you. I know you might not believe it, but the only thing I've been doing for the past eight years is falling deeper in love with a man who I can't even talk to now. I have made a terrible mistake and now there is nothing i can do to fix it." and with that she ended it.