I'm jolted awake from my sleep by the sound of my cell buzzing on the nightstand next to my bed. I groggily grab it and see that it's my boyfriend Gabriel and push answer.
"Hello," I say, barely audible.
"Good morning, baby. Come open your door," he says sweetly.
"Ok, I'll be right down," I reply. I hate mornings. I hate being woken up, even if it's for him. Gabriel is sweet, probably the sweetest guy I've ever dated. He does everything right. He holds the door open for me. He always says exactly what I need to hear when I'm upset. He is everything a girl could ask for in a guy. So why do I feel like something isn't right with our relationship? I know exactly why.
My thoughts are interrupted as I open the door and find him standing there with two cups of coffee.
"Morning," I say as I give him a quick peck on the lips and take the cup of coffee from him. "What are you doing here? I thought you had to work early today."
"They told me they didn't need me until this afternoon. So, I thought that I would come spend the morning with my favorite lady," Gabriel replies.
"That's sweet of you," I reply as I motion for him to come inside. He pulls me into a hug as I turn around. I let him hug me for a few seconds and pull away.
"I have to take a shower. I have to be on set here in a couple hours," I say, trying to pull myself out of the hug. I walk upstairs feeling guilty. Guilty for stringing him along, guilty for kissing someone else the last night, guilty for not feeling the way that I'm supposed to about him. I can't shake the thought of the previous night's events from my mind. We didn't mean for it to happen. Heather and I had just gone out to a club with some friends. We both had a lot to drink and before I knew it we were making out back at my apartment. It wasn't the first time either. It seemed like that happened often lately when we were drunk.
The funny thing is that today, she probably won't even acknowledge that it happened. That's what we always did. Make out, ignore that it happened, and move on with our lives. We just made out when we were drunk, no big deal. Right? It wasn't a big deal or anything. Lots of people do that. All I know is that when Gabe and I make out, it doesn't feel the same. When he touches me, I don't feel tingles run down my spine. When I feel his breath on my neck, it doesn't make me weak in the knees. No, those are only things that happened with Heather.
Playing alongside her in Glee every day doesn't help matters. We are girlfriends on the show so our constant touching and hugging never seemed to phase anyone. We were just playing the part. But I never am just playing the part. Something inside tells me that Heather isn't just playing the part either. Because even when we aren't on set, we act the same way.
I get out of the shower and get dressed. I walk downstairs and find Gabe sitting on the couch watching tv. He pats the spot next to him for me to sit with him. The images flash in my head of Heather and I making out on this spot, her on top of me slipping her hand under my shirt. The pain washes over me again. My heart aches, not because I am upset that we did what we did, but because I start to miss how it felt to have her that close to me. I wish that it was her sitting next to me right now instead of him. I wish she wouldn't have taken off after everything last night. I wish I could have woken up to her next to me. That will never happen though. She is with Taylor and I am with Gabe. Those moments were just drunk moments. They didn't mean anything, right?
"Baby, are you okay? You're being really quiet today," Gabe says as he pulls me closer to him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply. "Just tired. I was up late last night."
"Oh okay," he replies. I know he gets annoyed when I shut him out. But I can't share this with him. I can't tell him what's really going on with me. I don't even understand it. All I know is, I can't wait to go to work today and see her.
I arrive on set a few hours later. I walk into my trailer and drop off my bags. I hear a knock on the door. I open it and find Heather on the other side. Her eyes and cheeks are red and she looks like she has been crying.
"Heather, what's wrong?" I ask as I take her hand and pull her inside. I instantly embrace her in a hug. She breaks down in my arms. We stand like this for several minutes as she continues to cry. When I feel her start to relax and her cries soften, I decide to find out what's wrong.
"What happened?" I say softly as I gently move the hair in her face behind her ear.
"Taylor and I broke up," she says. I wipe a stray tear from her cheek and hug her again.
"I'm so sorry hun," I squeeze her closer and rub her back. I pull away and take her hand in mine. "Why did you guys break up?"
She looks at me and for a moment and I feel like I know exactly why they broke up. I don't know why I wanted her to say it was because of how she felt about me, but I did. It was the way she looked at me when I knew something that she didn't want to say out loud.
"We just realized that it couldn't work anymore. The long distance thing was just putting too much of a strain on us," she replies. I look down at our intertwined fingers and rub my thumb across her knuckles. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I'm sure it's not what she wants to say. Part of me wants to press on for more and to get the truth out of her, but the other part knew that she wasn't quite ready for that yet. After all, I am still dating Gabe. Why would she pour her heart out to me when I'm already taken? If she only knew that deep down I felt the same way.
Suddenly I'm pulled away from my thoughts by her lips touching mine. I don't even have time to think. I let myself melt into the kiss. I know she's vulnerable. I know this might be taking advantage of her, but it feels so perfect. I place my hand on her cheek and to my surprise she deepens the kiss and pushes me back against the couch.
She snakes her hand along the hem of my shirt and I can feel the heat rising inside of me. I have to stop this before it goes past the point of no return. I know if we keep going I won't want to stop. She's vulnerable and I'm still in a relationship. I let my better judgment get the best of me and place my hand over hers.
"Heather," I say as I pull away from the kiss. She starts to lean in again and I want so badly to keep kissing her.
"Heather, wait," I say again. Damn you conscious. "We can't do this right now. I don't want it to be like this."
"You can't say that you don't want this too," Heather says softly. The confused look on her face tells me I need to explain further. We both sit up and I take her hand in mine again.
"No, that's not it," I say softly. "I want to be with you, just not like this. I don't want to be the girl you rebound with. I don't want you to be the one I cheated with. I want it to be just me and you in the picture and that's it. No guys." She sits back against the couch.
"I get it," Heather says. "I'm sorry for forcing myself on you. I just am really emotional and you always make things better."
"I know you are. That's why I didn't want us to do this right now. I want you to want to be with me because you care about me. Not because you need it to make you feel better," I say.
"So, wait, are you saying you want to be with me too, like for real?" Heather asks with a smirk.
"Of course. You're way hotter than any dumb guy," I reply with a laugh. We act like we are just kidding, but I know that neither of us really are. We both mean what we say. I do think she's hotter than any guy and I do want to be with her.
"Then break up with Gabe," she says abruptly. I search her eyes to make sure she isn't playing games with me.
"Are…are you being serious?" I ask.
"Yes," she replies. A knock on the door interrupts our conversation.
"Hey, they need you on set," Dianna says as I open the door. She looks behind me and sees Heather's flushed cheeks and red eyes.
"We'll be right there," I reply.
"Is everything okay?" she asks.
"Yeah," I answer as I turn and smile at Heather, "it will be." I take her hand and lead her out the door. We follow Dianna to hair and makeup in silence. After several minutes of being dolled up I walk into the choir room set and sit down on the seat that is my mark for the day's shoot. I smile when I see Heather heading towards me. She sits in the chair next to mine and pulls my chair closer to hers.
"You okay?" I ask quietly as she links her arm through mine intertwines our fingers.
"Now I am," she replies. I spend the next few hours being a silent comfort to her. Soon enough, everyone has figured out there is something going on by how quiet she is and how much attention I'm giving her.
After shooting for the better part of the day, we head back to our trailers to get ready to go home. I change clothes and freshen up in the bathroom and hear a knock on the door.
"It's open," I yell. I look around the corner and see Heather come inside.
"Hey sexy lady," I say with a smile.
"Hey you," she says as she walks up behind me and embraces me in a hug. "Thank you for everything today."
"You don't have to thank me. It's what I'm here for," I reply as I turn around in her arms to face her.
"Why don't you come home with me tonight? I don't want you to be by yourself. We can make dinner and just hang out and watch a movie," I say.
"Okay, I'll be right back. Let me go grab some things from my trailer," she replies. In that moment I realize I need to set things straight with Gabe for me to feel right about what's going on between Heather and. I pick up my phone and dial his number.
"Hey baby," he answers.
"Hey," I reply.
"Is something wrong?" he asks. He always knows when something is wrong. He can hear it in my voice. I always wear my emotions on my sleeve.
"Come to my trailer," I reply solemnly. Half an hour later he arrives.
"I'm just gonna come out and say this to you. I think we need to break up," I say as he shuts the door. I never have been one to drag things out. I'm a rip off the band-aid kind of girl.
"Wait…what? Did I do something?" he asks. I can tell he is upset. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
"No, I just don't think that this can work with us. Because, well, because I love Heather and I want to be with her," I reply as the tears well up in my eyes. There is silence on the other end.
"You love Heather? As in you're a lesbian?" he asks confused by my outburst.
"I…you know I don't like labels Gabe. I just know that I love her more than I've ever loved anyone else. I know that I care about you, but I don't love you like I do her. It's confusing for me too," I explain. I know it's harsh but he needs to know the truth.
"Look, I'm upset but I want you to be happy. If that means you aren't with me, then I guess that's what needs to happen," he says sounding defeated.
"So, so you don't hate me?" I ask.
"No, I sort of knew already. Plus, we haven't really been dating that long and even though I really was starting to fall for you, I could tell you weren't in it like I was," Gabe replies. I'm shocked to find that he isn't as upset as I thought he would be. He's surprisingly calm about it.
"I gotta go," he says
I nod and give him a hug as I realize Heather will be back soon.
"Okay. Take care of yourself," he says softly.
"You too Gabe," I reply I shut the door behind him. I know he's heartbroken. But things will be better this way.
I wipe a stray tear from my cheek as Heather comes back inside half an hour later.
"Nay, what's wrong?" she says as she quickly comes to my side to comfort me.
"I broke up with Gabe. I just…I know I don't love him like I do you," I say as I maintain eye contact with the piercing blue orbs that hover next to me.
"It's okay to cry even if you didn't love him. You still cared about him," she says reassuringly as she places her hand on my cheek. She always knows what to say to me when I'm feeling down. It's what I love most about her.
"I know. I just don't want to be upset because now I can be with you," I whisper to her. She smiles at me sweetly.
"Let's go and wallow together then. Get your stuff and we will go to your place," she says.
We arrive at my apartment and I head to my room to change into my sweats and a t-shirt. I suddenly start to feel nauseous and run to the bathroom. All the emotions of the day must finally be catching up to me. I hear a knock on the door.
"You don't want to come in here," I yell knowing Heather has heard me get sick.
"Are you okay?" she says from the other side.
"Yeah, just not feeling that great," I reply. Another wave of nausea comes over me and I throw up again. I hear the door open and feel her take my hair and pull it back out of my face. She gently rubs my back as the feeling subsides. I wait for a few minutes before trying to get up.
"I hate getting sick," I say as she helps me stand up.
"I don't like it when you're sick either," She says as she takes out my toothbrush and puts toothpaste on it and hands it to me. I brush the bad taste out of my mouth.
"Did you eat something funny today?" she asks as I turn off the water.
"I don't think so. Maybe I'm just over worked," I reply appreciating her worry for me. She looks at me with that concerned look she always gives me when she knows I'm not being fully honest with her.
"But don't worry, let's go make some dinner and get our cuddle on," I say. We opt out of a full course meal and decide that soup is probably a better plan. I eat a few bites and stop because I start to feel sick again. Heather notices and looks at me with worry in her eyes. I smile to let her know I'm okay.
"You want to watch the movie upstairs?" I ask as I put our bowls in the sink.
"Sure," she replies with a smile. We go up to my room and I put the movie in. I turn around and see Heather already snuggled up in the bed and she opens her arms for me to come join her.
"Let me love you!" she says playfully. I laugh as I get in the bed and cuddle up into her arms. She squeezes me into a hug and kisses my forehead. She feels my forehead with her hand.
"You're kind of warm. Are you still feeling bad?" she asks as she moves the hair out of my face.
"I'm okay right now," I reply. Just being here with her in this moment makes me feel better. I never want to move from this spot. Feeling the exhaustion from the days events catch up to me, I quickly drift off to sleep.
I wake up the next morning to an empty bed. I guess Heather left last night, like usual. I thought maybe things would be different now. I hear the bathroom door open and to my surprise Heather comes back into the bedroom.
"Hi sleepyhead," she whispers as she gets into the bed next to me and cuddles under the blankets with me.
"Good morning," I say groggily. I usually despise mornings, but waking up to that beautiful face every day makes mornings seem much more bearable.
"I love waking up to you," Heather says as she kisses me. I let myself melt into her and intensify the kiss. I lead her over so she is on top of me. I feel her drift her hand up my inner thigh. I unconsciously let out a moan as she reaches the hem of my shorts and slips her fingers underneath. She stops for a moment, searching my eyes to make sure I'm comfortable with this. I nod and pull her in for another kiss. She pulls my shorts and underwear off. I take off my shirt and I lay there completely open and vulnerable. I thought I would feel self-conscious as her hands explored every inch of my body for the first time. But I don't. I feel totally and completely at ease. She pulls off her shirt and as I start to sit up she gently pushes me back against the bed and kisses down my neck. I let out another moan and feel my heart start to beat faster and harder. As she kisses my chest over that spot she looks up at me and smiles. She continues showering my body with slow, sensual kisses. I can feel the heat radiating from my core as she reaches my favorite spot on my lower stomach. A place only she knows about from our random drunken nights together. She positions herself between my legs and flicks her tongue against me. I move my hand to link my fingers with hers as she places one hand on my stomach. I've never felt this way with anyone before. Then again, I've never done this with Heather. I grab the sheets and arch my back as I get closer and closer to going over the edge.
"Don't stop babe," I say breathlessly. Suddenly my body breaks free of all the pressure that has been building and waves of pleasure rush through me. I grip her hand against my chest as I ride out the tremors. As my body comes back down from its high she kisses my stomach, traces up my chest and finally trails her way up my neck back to my lips. We've come full circle from where we started. I realize I never really knew what making love was about until this moment with her. Sure, I'd had sex before but it was never like this. And it wasn't about how fast she took me over the edge or how amazing it felt when I came. It was about the way it felt to be a part of something incredible with someone that I love. Whatever I may have thought before about love has completely gone out the window. Love is what this is, with Heather. Nothing else I've ever experienced could compare to right now. Now's our moment and I know I'm never going to forget how this feels.