The ten members of the Fellowship of the Ring, blackcloacked and hooded, sat around a circular, dark oaken table. They were ten, for Author J.R.R. Tolkien had been voted Honorary Member, and indeed the Fellowship could not very well keep their own Creator out of the debate whether and how to wage war upon their new Arch-Enemies : the Fanfic Writers. At first they had directed their ire at the Author himself (Read : The Trial of Tolkien and TToT, The Sequel) for many - most - well, all of them took exception to the way he had portrayed them. The Hobbits and Legolas had been the first to mellow, and the Elf the first to point out that their justifiable anger was misdirected : the sins of the Fanfic Writers were far worse than Tolkien's peccadilloes. Death had made Boromir no less of a man of action, and War on the numerous Fanfic Writers promised more action than Vengeance of one single Man, so he was happy to go along with them. Gandalf and Gimli had been far harder to convince, for Dwarves bear long grudges and Wizards are quick to anger. As for Aragorn.he did as Arwen told him, and she was currently more angry about the slash fics figuring her husband than happy over the ones in which she was portrayed as a Warrior Elf and a Strong Woman, rather than an embroidering ninny. So Aragorn had his seat on the Warcouncil, with his wife standing right behind him. There had been a slight argument on who was to preside : as Author, Tolkien felt he should be it, whereas Gandalf as Head of the White Council and senior member present felt he should be the one, but Arwen was set on Aragorn, and who can stand against a Strong Woman once her mind is made up, especially an Elf -woman? Only another Elf. A Woodelf at that; whose cunning is proverbial. Legolas first suggested they should vote on it, then bribed Frodo with a plate of mushrooms into putting him forward as a candidate, bought the other Hobbits votes with the promise of a taste of real Mirkwood Mushrooms, The Best to Be Had, talked Tolkien into withdrawing his candidature (there's nothing so eloquent as an Elf, and Tolkien loved Elves anyway) and, Gimli's support already a given, he won the election with a comfortable majority. And so it was Legolas who called the Warcouncil of ten (plus Arwen) to order. His first deed as Chairman was to appoint Boromir to draw up a Plan of Action. This pleased the Man of Gondor no end, and he immediately pulled out his laptop to open his chatline; "As my online colleagues have experience in the field of terrorism I'll ask them for advice." he said, and happily logged in. "Excellent." said Legolas, "Now I believe that we should draw up a list of griefs against these Fanfic Terrorists, much as we did with Master Tolkien ,whom we now count as one of us, and greatly wronged too." He deferentially bowed his head towards the Author. They all began talking at once, vociferously voicing their complaints. "They kéép telling the same old story over and over again, with additions and embellishments and whèn they write an Post-RotK fic it's still the same story: Evil Enemy, Fellowship gets together, journey through caves, get set upon by orcs, get captured, get killed." "And the torture, don't forget the torture!" "Or all those silly girls." "And the sex with each other! I don't wànt to have sex with Legolas or Boromir or Halbarad or anyone." "Excuse me?" "Except you, of course, my love." "You'd think that me having fourteen kids would be a vast pointer as to my tastes.but no, they keep coupling me to and with Master Frodo, I don't wànt Master Frodo, begging your pardon." "I'm just two things: cute and weak, and when Sam's not on top of me they make me fall ill all the time." "I'm just the one half of a Comic Duo." "And I'm the other half! And that 'Fool of a Took' thing is really overdone." "I seem to be having an inordinate amount of apprentices and/or daughters! Don't they know that Wizards.well, Wizards don't." "They can't even get our names right!" "They spent an awfull lot of time learning Elvish, but they don't take the trouble to spell correctly in their own language." "I don't think they have read my books thoroughly. I was quite extensive in the details, I even drew a map, but they simply can't get their facts in order. Take distances for instance: there's a whole mountainrange and a vast forest between Rivendell and Thranduil's Realm, and they seem to think you can make thet journey in a couple of days.I blame jet-airplanes. They don't know anymore what time it takes to wàlk ." "Why do they insist we Hobbits are food-obsessed?" "Well, you are." "Are not." "Are too." "Not!" "Order!Order!" cried Legolas, rapping the wood of the table before Pippin and Gimli could get into a fight. "Frodo, you write in a fair hand, I suggest you copy down all our griefs. Boromir, have your contacts come up with some ideas yet?" "Some. The one says bomb them back into the Stone-age, the other swears by sending in the tanks.I'm not sure that's quite workeable given the kind of Enemy we're up against." Arwen bend over and whispered something in Aragorn's ear. "Maybe we should define for ourselves what the Enemy is, exactly, first."said he. "EVIL!!!" they cried in unison. "Naturally." said Arwen, taking over from her husband, "But a more insidious kind of evil than your average Dark Lord.This is Evil disguised as Fandom. They actually love us." "Do all Men kill the Thing they Love?" mused Tolkien poetically. "Oh dear!" cried Merry, "Will it come to that?" "It already has in my case." said Legolas, "I've been killed in several of these fics, and resuccitated so that they could have another go at their favorite game of 'Let's make Legolas Suffer Horribly.' Not to mention the romances with either gender I am plagued with. Enough to put you off for the rest of your life, which in my case is Eternal. Yes, this is indeed a subtle cruelty, packaged as 'adoration'." Frodo looked up from his busy scribbling. "Couldn't we just ask them to stop it? I mean, if they like us so much I don't believe they actually want to see us hurt." "I get the feeling that that is precisely what they want." mused Legolas, "They don't think we're real, that's the trouble." "Typical." muttered Gimli. "That's fictional specieism, that. Just because we don't exist in their reality doesn't mean they can toss us around. Nobody tosses a Dwarf." "We're all agreed on that!" said Legolas hastily, "Still, Frodo has a point. We should make ourselves known, state the problem clearly, suggestions for a possible solution." "Total cessation of the Fanfic Terror, of course." said Gandalf. "Oh yes, that indeed is our goal." said Legolas, "Now as to get there, this is what I propose : that we should send them a note of warning first." "An Ultimatum!" cried Boromir enthousiastically, " We must be firm in this. State our terms and stick to them : if they do not meet those terms within the timelimit we set them." "It will be Total War!" said Gandalf, thumping the ground with his staff. Legolass nodded in agreement. "Then we are decided? All those in favour of sending an Ultimatum say aye." "AYE!!!!" cried eleven voices as one.