"WAKE UP! UP WITH YOU I SAID!" Fenrirs angry voice sounded from above, drawling and yelling his commands, shaking his sleeping comrades out of bed.
really drowsy and really tired Remus opened his eyes to be met by the tumult that happened around him in their little shelter, half the people around him was just waking like himself, the other half darting around collecting personal items. "What's happening?" he groggily asked Lenora who was busy throwing her items down in her bag.
"We need to split now!" she yelled. "Death eaters are being rounded up and captured everywhere and they are trading information for advantage in court, the ministry could be lead to us right away."
"What!" Remus was wide awake and ruled up on the floor. "Wouldn't you know who be furious! what kind of death eaters fear the ministry more than him!"
"Hi's dead Remus" Lenora growled as she threw the backpack over her shoulder.
"What!" Remus froze in his actions starring non believing at the fellow werewolf. "Your joking."
"I wish I were" Lenora looked darkly at Remus. "He's dead all right, and all that he stood for is falling apart as we speak, we can't even keep together any longer they would track us down." she sighed deeply. "Remus.. we need to be going, and I was thinking.. maybe the two of us should go together? I kind of have come to care for you, and I so hate to be alone"
Remus didn't even have to consider, if Voldemort really was dead, his charade would be over, fixing his thoughts upon the thing that would immediately secure that he was right, remembering the location of where James and Lily lived which meant they felt it safe enough to lift their enchantment, butterflies lifting in his stomach he remembered exactly where they lived. and there was no way he would go with Lenora for all the reasons she thought he was there, all the wrong reasons. He liked her to, he liked her a lot and liked spending time with her, they understood each other in a way only two people having suffered the same way did. but he didn't like her ideals, and he didn't liked the idea of actively trying to distance himself from the wizarding world and thereby in his belief harming his cause more than doing it any good, he wanted to see his friends. "No" he said very sure of himself. "I can't come with you."
"What?" Lenora looked ludicrously at him. "You got somewhere to go perhaps?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. "someone waiting for you at all?" she clearly expected him to realise that was how it was.
"As a matter of fact I do" Remus told her sincerely, shortly gripping her hand. "I have not been entirely honest with you, and I like you, so if you ever need a place to go, to get a new perspective come and find me. I will be with friends, people who doesn't care about that I am a werewolf."
"How can you know people like that and even be here?" Lenora asked confused.
"I am a spy" Remus confessed. "A member of the order of the phoenix, and they are waiting for me."
"Your what?" Lenora looked confused at him, and then retrieved in dark folds. "So you really never were really one of us?"
Remus shook defeated his head.
"I see" Lenora turned around. "Lucky for you we don't have time for this. Goodbye Remus Lupin." and then she paused. "If for nothing else, I am glad you don't have to be alone. Your to good for that" and she ran out a long with a lot of other people, not looking back.
Sighing Remus also took his bag on his shoulders, he ran out of the building too, yet instead of running for town, as soon as he was free for people he disiparated to a place he had suddenly remembered, to a place where people would greet him in celebration and tell him happily what exactly had happened. The house of Lily and James Potter, smiling to himself Remus was lead to believe that would be the first place Sirius and Peter would go to, and they probably had started the party a long time ago without him, though would cheerfully greet him.
Confused Remus appeared behind a whole group of people, more than he could phantom, all surrounding the house, all standing quietly with respectfully bowed down heads, and was that? every single person seemed to be holding a white lily and had their wand lithe up in the semi dark of the morning as the sun had barely started to risen, a cold iling started going through Remus's spine. "What is this?" he asked a witch standing in front of him. "what's happening?"
The witch turned around, respectful awness shining from her eyes. "We are paying our respects to the saints, the people who gave their lives so we may life, James and Lily Potter who slayed Voldemort."
It was like the entire world froze around Remus, he saw nothing but the witch, the white lily in her hand and her glowing wand in the other.
"what?" It was like his own voice came from another place.. "But how.."
"They gave their lives so we may life." the witch repeated, as it was a dream Remus stepped beside her and started pushing the people in front of him aside to get through, people started scowlding at him but he didn't care.
"Let me get through" he scowled. "LET ME GET THROUGH, JAMES AND LILY ARE MY FRIENDS!"
as people seemed to get the picture of who he was, and why he should have special treatment they stood aside to allow him clear passage, and that was when he saw them, laying on the ground of their little garden. James and Lily Potter, both with closed eyes and a spell cast upon them so they would not degrade, but just laying perfectly still, white lilies were spread around them, they might have been sleeping peacefully on a glorified bed, but they weren't. they were there, stone dead. their faces was white as marble, and their skin was cold just to look at.
"No" Remus whispered falling to his knees right beside the cold corpses. "No no no no no!" he repeated the word as if that single word would make the awful truth go away, but it wouldn't, hammering his fits to the ground as tears emerged from his face, and the people around him bowed respectfully their heads an extra nudge, in deep respect for his sorrow, stumbling to his feet's he came even closer to sit right beside them, looking down at their peaceful faces, not quite able to comprehend to shock. how did this happen?
James could not die, how was he supposed to go on without James? how could he be dead? he was always supposed to be there like brother, as a sure constant in Remus's life, the one person who kept all of them straight headed when it mattered. and keep on reminding him that life mattered, that Remus had friends.
And Lily? she could not be gone, she was supposed to wake up, and smile.. they were supposed to be a constant. how could they just lay there? pretending to be dead..
It was foolish thinking.. they were dead, the warm living strong personalities of James and Lily potter, washed away. Remus felt a great piece inside of himself being killed with the realization.
"Remus" an old tired voice sounded from above where he sat on his knees, mourning his dead friends. Remus didn't answer, and he didn't even flinch as Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder. "There is no use staying here, there is nothing for you here, you need to relax."
"How?" Remus sniffed hard.. "how did this happen? they were under a spell! no one could enter the house without being invited."
"Unless.." Dumbledoor clearly seemed to have trouble with his words.
"Unless what?" Remus turned around to face Dumbledoer, looking demanding on him, even for the first time ever truly defying the startling blue eyes. "Tell me Albus! Tell me!"
Dumbledore seemed older and more tired than Remus had ever seen him. "unless that one person who they put their trust in betrayed them," he then finally said, the bittersweet tone in his voice was undeniable.
An icing feeling went all the way from Remus's neck and down on his spine. "Where's Sirius?" he couldn't believe he hadn't asked it before. with James and Lily dead, Sirius would have been the first to meet up and grieve and the last to leave, he should have been there. it felt like Remus's heart literately stopped beating, and the world around him turned into a fog of muffled noises and shape. He was their secret keeper… he was the only one who could put them in danger.
Remembering how information had slipped out of the order, and everyone knew there had been a traitor somewhere amongst them… but Sirius?
the proof laid undeniably at his knees, the white stone cold faces of James and Lily. "how could he.. HOW DARED HE!" Remus was so overwhelmed with grief and rage there was no controlling it. "HE WAS OUR FRIEND!" without thinking he hammered his hands once more in the ground, smashing a couple of Lilies.. "no.. not our friend.. HE PRETENDED TO BE OUR FRIEND! AND HE CONVINCED ME! I TRUSTED HIM! HE SAID HE LOVED THEM! HOW COULD HE!" raising stumbling up Remus drew his wand. "I am going to kill him." he sneered.
"Remus.. calm down" Dumbledore once again laid a hand on Remus's shoulder.. you need rest.. you need to grief. Let the ministry handle Sirius.
stumbling a bit Remus then finally nodded. "Your right.. there must be an explanation.. He would not do such a thing...Excuse me." still feeling slobby he turned around and flicked his wand to repair the Lilies he had so thoughtlessly smothered, bowing down he picked on of them up and place it between Lily's cold hands. taking one last glance of their cold faces Remus finally couldn't bear any more and willingly followed Dumbledore through the crowds.
"What about Harry?" he suddenly remembered asking Dumbledore.
"Alive, well and safe" Dumbledore assured.
"Thank goodness." Remus breathed. "I don't think I could bear it if anything had happened to him too." he spoke the honest truth in his exhausted tear filled voice.
Remus had no idea where Dumbledore lead him, he just followed without seeing drowning down in his grief, part of him still refused to believe that Sirius could possible have betrayed them, hell part of him refused to believe they were even dead. it was simply not possible, there was only four people in the entire world Remus had ever trusted truthfully and one hundred percent. James, Sirius, Peter and Lily. Remus simply refused to acknowledge that any of them betrayed one another, not for anything. Deep down he still believed in these people, all four of them.
Having no idea how long or how far they had walked Remus was suddenly inside someone's home, and he found himself pushed down on a couch, a little child was crying. Remus's immediate thought was that it was Harry and he turned his head towards the sound, but then he noticed, it wasn't Harry. this cry just sounded wrong and different, less sharp than Harry's, more soft but on the same time louder.
"Shh shh shh" a short blond haired woman whispered at her child as she walked around with the one year old in her arms. her hair was helplessly messy, and for someone who didn't know her you would think she had just risen out from bed, but that was just her hair. "Neville" she whispered her childs name. "your okay Neville, it's all going to be okay." tired Alice Longbottom meet Remus's gaze. "How are you Remus?" she asked.
Remus couldn't help but think it was a stupid question, he was lost. completely and utterly, it felt like the world was crumbling at his feet's and he couldn't see how this could become any worse. he met Alice's eyes feeling all that sorrow and confusion, he somehow knew his eyes would automatically reflect it all.
"I'm sorry" Alice dropped her gaze. "Remus, if you need anything.. ever.. I know I and Frank will never be them but.." she swallowed a lump as Neville had finally stopped crying. "I hope you know that we are your friends, I'd be dying inside if I knew you were out there facing the world alone."
actually feeling a little uplifted, all though only for a second Remus managed to crock a little smile. "Thank you" he simply said. feeling deadly tired and exhausted Remus leaned back on the cough.
"Why don't you get some sleep?" Alice asked. "Today is both a day of grieve and happiness, they were the last ones who had to die at…" she stopped and had to swallow. "Harry and Neville are safe now" she finally said. "That is what we have been fighting for all along."
Harry and the lump in Alice's arms were safe and wouldn't have to grow up in fear, Remus had to admit that was indeed something, more than they could have hoped for only yesterday, nodding Remus laid back, and fell a sleep as soon as his head touched the cushion.
"Shouldn't we wake him up?" a muffled voice, sounding surprisingly concerned, comparing to what Remus usually would wake up to, sounded above him.
"Minnerva let him be, don't you see his exhausted." Another also female voice sounded, soothing Remus in his slumber.
"I quite agree with Mrs. Longbottom, dear Remus have not sleept probably for most of the year and he'll find out soon enough." an older this time male, but yet strangely assuring and soothing voice sounded, making Remus relax.
"He have to right to know at once." the first voice argued. "They were all his closets friends, he is never going to forgive us if we don't tell him." It was Minnerva's voice Remus now realized, the other one was Alice and the last Dumbledore.
"And he is a member of the order of the phoenix" a fourth voice, Frank's voice, sounded. "We have to give him that respect at least."
feeling a sting in Remus's eyes he remembered what had happened. James's and Lily's dead bodies was only a way to clear image inside of his skull he couldn't let go off, he tried to turn away and tried to hide the fear. he already knew, Dumbledore was there so he knew that he knew. what more was there to it?
"They could drag Black to Azkaban any minute, he should have choice if he want to see him or not." Frank continued his argument.
Remus's eyes opened white. they caught Sirius? "What happened" he crocked in his horse exhausted voice. "they caught Sirius?" he asked.
everyone turned dead quiet at once as they turned to him, all looking sorrowfully at him, neither of them really daring to say anything.
"Well I guess we might as well tell him now" Alice commented dryly.
hushing at his wife for being inconsiderate Frank took it upon himself to start the serious topic. "Yeas they caught Sirius" he finally said.
"oh good, so we can finally get sorted all this out." Remus sighed. "I wonder what his explanation is."
there was an awkward silence between all of them, no one really wanted to talk, Remus could swear his saw tears in Dumbledores eyes, but neither he spoke. McGonagall herself was visible almost bursting into tears.
"What?" Remus turned to Frank demanding an explanation.
"they caught him…" Frank took a deep breath. "As he blew Peter into pieces"
"What!" Remus's eyes widened. "no.. no that is not possible."
"There were eye witnesses." Alice joined her husband as she took his hand. "Peter swore revenge over Black for betraying James and Lily, he tracked Black down on a full street and forced him into a corner, Sirius was laughing like hell as he blew Peter and seven muggle stand byes into pieces, there were fourteen muggle eye witnesses and four wizards."
"Where is he?" despite his calm tone Remus's voice was undoubtedly filled with furry, hurt and anger.
"At the ministry, they will most likely take him to Azkaban right away."
Without further explanations needed Remus jumped from the bed, and walked over to the fireplace. "May I borrow some floo powder?" he asked not even looking back.
"Remus…" Alice breathed. "you shouldn't."
"I need to see him" Remus made dreadfully aware. "I need an explanation."
"The silver pot, beside the family photo" Frank casually made aware, defying his wife had seemed to become a casualty since their marriage.
"Thank you" Remus nodded and took a handful of green powder from the point pointed to him. "The ministry of Magic" he simply stated as he stepped inside of the fire.
A riot had happened down there, people were yelling and crowding, Aurours was every where trying to calm the crowds, Remus as well was hushed aside, fortunately only until Kingsley saw him.
"Remus!" Kingsley managed to grab Remus's sleeve and pull him away from the crowd. "What are you doing here?"
"I need to see him!" Remus looked stone hard at Kingsley not needing to elaborate.
"Your sure?" Kingsley lifted an eyebrow. "The sight is not pretty, your sure you don't just want to remember his good side."
"Kingsley" Remus's mind was sat in stone. "I really need to see him."
"All right" Kinglsey shrugged. "I can't promise that you can come even close, and that you will be able to talk to him is most unlikely, come on we don't have much time."
Flashing his aurora badge Kingsley kept a firm grip on Remus's shoulder and led him away from the crowds, all though they didn't managed to get long before a big door was opened, and through it came a whole gang of death eaters, all in shackles, and all surrounded by aurors, Moody leading the front and dementors going behind, making an icing feeling appear everywhere, the crowd turned silent as the cold and horror crept into their hearts, which made the following sound all that more horrifying, the sound made Remus fell sick to his stomach, and he wanted to turn around but found himself paralysed. It was the sound of laughter, a well known laughter, but twisted into absurd deadly hollow humour, the laugh of Sirius Black… Remus couldn't take his eyes off him as he was laughing his head off.. rolling his eyes backwards in a mad manner, howling and screaming the laughter so it echoed in the hallway. Remus felt sick, there was no turning back now, the horrifying sight in front of him told him enough, Sirius black was a traitor and had been all along, he killed James, Lily and Peter. and he deserved to rot in Azkaban for eternity, Remus was sick and disgusted to his stomach, he felt unclean of ever calling that maniac a friend, dirty and betrayed. in deep sorrow of the death of his true friends, and completely lost.
Remus had not seen it, but last in line was another family face, though that was as tight and horrifying as it always had been, with wild mad features. Fenrir Grayback saw him though, he saw the Auror who had a reassuring hand on Remus's shoulder, and he did not miss the fact that Remus walked the ministry as a free secured man. "REMUS LUPIN" Grayback had stopped and looked deadly serious at Remus who had to stare back at him with wide shocked eyes.
"So… you were the traitor after all." Grayback sneered, yet the smile around his mouth was unmistakeable. "Lucky for me, I got my revenge without even lifting a finger." he smiled a grim self-satisfied smile. "I won"
Feeling his world growing numb, the hysterical laughter howling in the background of his mind, Remus felt like he was in another dimension, remembering Greybacks words.. "I will find that traitor, and I will give him a faith worse than death. I will take everything he holds dear from him, he will be completely alone in a world where no one wants him!" It was so bitterly ironic how right he was, Remus wanted to spit in his face, he wanted the mocking yellow eyes to turn away, he wanted that mad sound that could not possible be laughter go away. he wanted escape, but it was not granted him. Fenrir kept watching him as he marched away, and finally the laughter died out as they disappeared into the fireplace and he knew they were now all at Azkaban.
"Remus I." Kinglsey seemed to be at last lost for words.
Remus shook his hand away shaking his head. "I must have been the fool, I just refused to see it. to see that he.." Remus found himself unable to continue and slammed his tight fisted hand into the wall beside him, turning away feeling sick to his stomach.
"Where do you want to go." Kingsley then asked. "You can borrow the fire in my office, the fires in here is going to be packed."
Remus was just about to answer, his first thought being home so he could be alone, but then he sickly remembered where exactly home was, or at least the closets thing to home, the little flat he had shared with Sirius, or rather, the flat Sirius so graciously paid for and let Remus stay at when he wasn't undercover or something like that, as Remus could not afford his own place, he could try and search out his mother and sister and give them their memories back, but he wouldn't want that, no it was better that they stayed happy and unknown from all the sorrows they had witnessed from another lifetime, how would it look if he search them out only to be asking for shelter and money? not good, he equally hated the idea of embark on the Longbottoms again despite Alice's kind words he just would not go there. the only place he would have been comfortable going would be the potters, but they were dead, dead and gone. Peter equally so, he would be willing to die if he could just go searching Peter out now.
Defeated... completely empty inside, Remus discovered he had no where to go, no one to go to.
"Oh.." Kingsley muttered, apparently Remus's lost eyes gave only to much away. "I see… why don't you rest at my place." he then said.
"I couldn't." Remus was about to object.
"Nonsense with you" Kingsley said surely and sternly. "we are comrades in war, we stand by each other no matter what, you would have done the same for me if the parts were reversed, and I personally would fell it a lot better if I knew you were resting somewhere safe. all right?"
"Al right" Remus had to force the word out as his throat was tight together. "thanks" he muttered.
"Don't mention it."
Remus could fell a strong hand on his shoulder guiding him, though he did not see much, everything was in a dark horrible blur, and Remus still just felt so dirty and insulted to the core, betrayed by one of the three best friends he ever had, the pictures of a younger playful laughing Sirius seemed insulting now. The man Remus saw a moment ago was an insult to the memory, and the memory made the man look dirty and wrong, it made Remus fell dirty all over inside and out. somehow they had gotten to an unfamiliar living room, and somehow a cup of warm tea with the distinct smell of a touch of brandy had appeared in front of Remus, he heard a voice, something with an excuse that the voice needed to head back but he should just make himself at home, and Remus found himself all alone in a setting where it didn't mattered if it was unfamiliar or not.
Never in his life had he thought that the wish would accour to him, the wish of actually turning into the beast, then at least he wouldn't have to be dragged down by all these emotions, fullmoon would be a relief. But there was eight days to fullmoon, and the only two remaining releaves would be that of a bottle and that of sleep. As he had sworn a long time ago never to succumb to the bottle no matter what life may brought him he tried the latter, but having already slept for an entire day sleep did not come easy and all the horrible images plus the feeling of being dirty kept nagging him, the sorrow of Lily, James and Peter and a big empty void starting to take a tole in his chest. It was agony, Remus had no idea how long he was just laying there before he finally managed to sleep, yet in his sleep the nightmare continued in his dreams. there was no way to make him fell worse. or so he thought.
Home at the Longbottoms Alice and Frank was enjoying a quite evening trying to compose themselves, having handed Neville to Augusta just for a little while, and it was then the door was smacked violently in.