Disclaimer: I don't claim anything or anyone in this fic that moves, to my greatest embitterment…
Having a go at a little humour here which means it is quite likely not funny at all. Still hope you enjoy!!
A two shot – It's all just a tomato sauce
PART 1
You are a dead man Dante!" he had to recoil from the receiver as soon as he caught it in mid-air with his hand to avoid severe ear damage and that bloody piece of perforated black plastic was even nowhere near his ear yet! The female voice blasting from the other side so vehemently was decidedly lacking all femininity, hurling out profanities of all colours that would make a full demon blush in embarrassment.
"Lady?" Dante brought the phone to his mouth warily, his voice tentative. It sure did sound like her but he wanted to be sure. Nothing worse than mistaking one woman for another and 'Lady' was at least relatively neutral. And he needed his balls intact just like he needed his pizza, breathing came second.
Genius on his part really to call the most dangerous one of them all 'Lady' so there was greatly reduced chance of an assuredly fatal or an impotence inducing mistake with her. Why they were all so sensitive when it came to names, he could never fathom. Lady, Mary, Bitch…who the hell cared.
"You didn't ask for the password again did you!" Lady snorted on the other end, her voice only a notch closer to resembling that of a human. Dante opened his mouth in readiness for a defence but she never gave him the chance. "You know what that is right, or do I have to spell it. The p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d! You pick up the phone and ask – 'Do you have the password!' Dammit, Dante, how hard can that be?"
"Do you have the password…," Dante scoffed effusively in a hushed manner, covering up the microphone with his large hand, mimicking the exact pitch of Lady's irritable voice while making an ugly face with his tongue stuck out.
His hand unclasped the microphone. "Was there…a problem?" he asked innocently, not getting what the hell her problem was. Wasn't one job just as good as the next? What bloody difference did it make anyway?
He nearly groaned in pain and dropped the receiver at the volley of words that undoubtedly could have been heard by any passersby on the street.
"A problem?!" Lady close to seethed. "Damn fucking right there was a problem! You made me drive across half the country to dispatch a load of lemons? Rotten lemons! I hate lemons!" she fumed on the other side, he could actually hear her teeth grinding and there was no doubt her cell phone was all wet from all the sputter. The thought of it made him shudder involuntarily.
So what, it was a poor line and the old woman on the phone had a bad accent… "Oh."
Demons, lemons, that woman was never happy with anything…
"Oh? Is that all you have to say? I swear Dante you send me on one more job without a password and I will pump the whole magazine into that empty brain of yours!" Lady kept her vocals in a very good shape by the sounds of it as Dante had to yet again position the receiver at a sufficient distance from his painfully throbbing ear drum.
Exasperated, Dante made a royal eye roll. Bitch. Like she didn't shoot him at every single opportunity anyway! The job was too far, it didn't pay enough, the demons were too sloppy or too slobbery, there were no demons or not enough of them, they were too loud – yeah, she should feel right at home, or too stupid – well duh!, her clothes got dirty, the cows went into a stampede, levelling her job before she got there, or the demons turned into lemonade…or what was it? Take a fucking pick!!
Seriously, that woman needed to get laid, by a demon, to help her offload all that excess energy and attitude. Scratch anything human, they wouldn't stand a frigging chance! Jesus, someone seriously needed to shut her gob up for a whole five minutes or he could turn deaf, permanently. Even his superior demon healing would give up trying to repair the constant damage she was subjecting him to. Or maybe he should just install a silencer on his receiver…
"Oh chill already! I won't forget to ask next time, ok?" Dante exhaled a defeated breath, wishing to kill this useless, illuminative – like shit - session, he really didn't have the energy left to argue with her especially at lunch time when his stomach was rumbling like crazy at the severe lack of pizza and he was on the brink of ringing the take away that was further away than his usual place when she so rudely interrupted him.
The blasted demons raided his regular, close by take away place, like the bastards could actually appreciate such fine tastes like pepperoni and cheese! What a total and utter waste! He nearly wept at the time…
"You better not! I still haven't tried the effect of Kalina-Ann on your bony head…I wonder if I could turn it into a nice meat feast pizza," she was all vixens' sweetness as the distinct din of her overlarge keepsake weapon being expertly reloaded flooded the line. Lady then hung up without saying goodbye.
That's right tease him with the food he wasn't having right now because she couldn't just use her stupid launcher to blast out a bunch of lemons! He could almost, just almost, feel some sort of a sympathy and pity for all those hapless demons and miserable creatures that crossed her path, including that poor rotting citrus fruit…
Dante shook his head and was about to dial the number for the new pizza place, he was now ravenous and the mention of a meat feast made him hungry even more, and his taste buds were threatening to go on strike if he didn't supply the goods in the next ten minutes. Plus he needed something to cheer him up after that stressful howling; only the phone rang again.
Didn't she have enough already? How much more could she torture him – like by keeping him from ordering pizza by hogging the frigging line?
"Stop bugging me already! I said I would…"
"As I recall you are the one pestering me with endless attempts at useless chatter at every opportunity you imbecilic moron," a bored, deep and dull voice came from the receiver. "I can always hang up if you wish…" Dante could just picture the silver eyebrow shooting up nonchalantly on the other side of the wire.
"Vergil! No, no, stay!" Dante blurted out abruptly, gesturing with his hands wildly, hastily trying to flip his brain into Vergil mode. His words came out more like ordering a misbehaving dog. He instantly regretted it with an inward curse and a silent frown on his face, feeling Vergil tense on the other end.
After a prolonged pause an even more detached voice continued, grudgingly, and with that annoying hint of mystery Vergil always dragged behind him like an unwilling pet from hell. "I have some news on what you were looking for…"
Suddenly, Dante's eyes glistened avidly with interest. "You found it?" he asked breathlessly, almost disbelievingly. Then again it was Vergil he was talking to and his brother could find anything, even if it didn't exist, or was a top secret written in an unknown language from another planet, with a few black holes thrown in on the way. Ever so reliable yet ever so boring…
"Yes," Vergil pretty much yawned, a hint that Dante should speed it up or he would fall asleep. In these cases he tended to busy himself with flicking some dirt, which also didn't exist, off his already perfect nails. Dante couldn't see it but he sure could hear it as contrary to the stormy one-sided conversations with Lady, he had trouble getting anything from Vergil and in any communication with him there was always a lot of silence. Apart from the nail flicking and occasional bored growling…
"How much?" Dante asked quickly, holding his breath. He nearly fell off the chair when his brother told him the estimated price, or since it came from him, the exact price.
"May I enquire as to what you are planning to do with it?" Vergil drawled in a monotone, disinterested voice. He now moved onto flipping through some book instead of nails by the sound of it.
"Why are you asking? Is it dangerous?" a meagre, nervous grin flashed across Dante's lips. He feigned a serious tone. It better be fucking harmless! Because that baby is on eBay right now and it's darn well staying there with that kind of a price tag!
"Not exactly. It has…certain effects. Temporary with demons, more permanent when it comes to humans," Vergil informed him detachedly and paused, Dante was however convinced that there should have been more since this explained exactly nothing and so he anticipated an elaboration that wasn't coming.
"Effects?" the younger twin eagerly nudged for the pregnant pause to move along.
The clearing of a throat and some indescribable noises, like short sniffing were heard on the other side. "Let's just say you should keep the item well buried somewhere amongst all that junk of yours or simply destroy it. I am rather surprised that you have not noticed the prominent rush of blood flow in the region you prefer to use as your brain more than would be considered healthy; in fact, correction, I have come to a disturbing realisation as to why you haven't noticed the effects at all…"
"Awwww Verge! You flatter me! Holly fucking bejesus, are you saying I am the owner of an extremely effective demonic Viagra?? One that actually works???" Dante hollered into the phone absolutely thrilled, his grin widening into dangerous proportions. This was like second and third Christmas in a row, first the news of the amount of money he would get for it and now the feel of the awkwardness it brought to his prudish twin just having to talk about it.
"You could say that," came an unimpressed, short answer. An unappreciative growl followed.
"Dude, you want to borrow it before I…," flog it on eBay, "…dispose of it?" Dante offered jauntily, his white teeth shining brightly within the wideness of his enormous smirk, he knew Vergil could literally feel it.
"I am perfectly capable of…" he stopped himself just in time, Dante however nearly burst out laughing. "Next time, try to use your brain in a manner that it was intended for and find your own information," Vergil hissed irritated and hung up the phone.
Dante let out a very long, satisfied sigh to stop him hyperventilating, and still grinning like a mad donkey he briefly leaned back in his chair. His bro, really, seriously needed to get laid, badly, urgently. Perfectly capable of what, he wondered with a snigger, of never getting it up? Maybe I should keep a little on the side just in case he needs some help…
After shaking off the disturbing image of impotent Vergil from his head, which was detrimental to his appetite and it was lunch time, he reached for the phone to finally dial the pizza place just as his belly let out a very loud protest. Yeah I know, feeding time! Gimme a seco…
The sharp ring of the phone resounded through the premises once again and all the remaining traces of Dante's smile vanished completely. "What does one have to fucking do to get some bloody food around here!" he shouted out loud into the empty room, looking up accusatively before yanking up the receiver angrily.
"What now!!" Dante spat out, squeezing the handle so hard the solid plastic nearly broke.
"Is this Ladiesman247?" came a smooth and educated voice, yet a little unnerved.
"Umm, you must have the wrong number, dude, there is no…"
"Is this Dante?" the mysterious voice continued, undeterred.
The frustrated pizza hunter instantly bolted upright in his chair. "How do you know my real name," he asked in an undertone, face darkening with a line of seriousness. No one knew his identity on eBay, dammit, that was the whole frigging point!
"Who is asking?" he avoided revealing himself just yet, his tone formally polite, cold, business like.
"I am Parris. Antiques dealer, entrepreneur. And I have a proposition for you. I have seen your…rather interesting item for sale and so I took the liberty to do some background checking. And I would like you to take care of…" the man began simply, as if not at all predisposed to being rejected.
"Wait a sec there, before you ask me to do anything there is something I need to know! You have the pizza? I mean…the password?" Shit and damn my painfully squeezed, howling intestines…
There was a startled, uneasy silence.
"No password?" Dante's lip curled upwards evilly. "Excellent! I am listening." Well I did ask about the darn password, and Lady never mentioned that they had to actually come up with it, right? She could go and kill off a few more mangoes for all he cared. Preferably somewhere in Burma…
The man seemed a little puzzled at first but then he continued. "I would like you to…
Dante yawned, drooling at the images of pepperoni in his head, elbow propped on the desk, his temple resting in the palm of his hand lazily as he listened to the dreary particulars of the job and some stupid, priceless artefact the guy wanted him to retrieve from his mansion that got invaded by demons. Yeah, yeah, bla, bla, get the thing to safety first, then kill the demons, yeah…
"…and I will buy your item on eBay for twice what it's worth," the guy finished, and Dante instantly bolted upright, knocking off his selection of porn and martial arts magazines to the floor.
"Did you say twice what it's worth?" he wheezed into the receiver, nearly choking on his drool.
"That is my offer," Parris assured him with a firm, even voice.
"Sold!" Dante wore bliss on his face. "Where do I go?" He enquired, pen ready to scribble the address on a small piece of dirty napkin that happened to lie conveniently on the desk.
When he finally put the phone down, he rubbed his hands together and sneezed so ferociously the napkin took off into the air and landed gracefully on the floor, or rather on one of the centrefolds. Dante bent down to scoop up the address and his scattered magazines when his eyes fell upon something terribly disturbing…
In the heap of the colourful mags there was a page, part folded, showing the bottom half of a man in all his glory, and what a glory it was, only his top half was covered up by a part of a page from another magazine; the top half of a man with a stern face and a very long katana in his hand, the napkin resting right on the tip of the magnificent steel. Dante blinked.
And then he blinked again when the brain cells clicked. A devious glitter sparkled in his eyes when he pulled himself up, holding the magazines and the napkin before his eyes with a startling realisation.
Someone needs to get laid and someone needs to be slain... Darn it would have rhymed!
Dante instantly picked up the phone, his lunch momentarily forgotten. This was perfect! He would send Lady in to redeem himself after the blunder with the sour fruit and he would ask Vergil to pick up the ancient artefact, which was a task even his terribly picky and nerdy twin was unlikely to resist. Vergil would never just go somewhere to kill a few boring, unworthy demons but Lady was too hung up on wiping out every single one of the lowly scum as she called them so politely, she wouldn't refuse any such opportunity.
And what Lady hated above all? To be patronized by one. That meant she would let all her pent up steam off on Vergil who could easily absorb it with his indestructible wall of detachment, and in turn, with some luck, some of that vibrancy and untamed passion of hers could actually rub off on him.
Either way as part of the deal he wouldn't of course forget to ask Parris for the security camera tapes, the guy no doubt had those things installed there if that's where he kept his so called priceless possessions. Dante sank into his thoughts with an expression of melted butter… Oh the wealth of blackmail material…
The range of possibilities… Send Lady to pick some fresh lemons for him, make her kiss a demon, make Vergil eat pizza in a filthy public place heaving with voluptuous waitresses with bouncy boobs and then make him down it with five lagers…
Ok, so maybe they would kill him and make a Dante preserve out of him afterwards but it would be so worth it …
Cold blue eyes scoured the front porch of a large, imposing mansion nestled atop a small hill in the midst of a beautiful yet darkly looming deciduous forest. The sun, a mere blotch of haze barely visible amongst the slowly passing dark gray clouds, provided no light to the gloom of the place. The air was calm and chilly, filled with a strong scent of hell's lowest creations and what seemed like coconuts mixed with gun powder.
Vergil frowned and cocked his nose, unwilling to set a foot in a place that reeked so heavily of those dishonourable weapons and those kinds of nuts Dante so shamelessly used to refer to certain female body parts. Not to mention he hated coconuts with a passion and that prick of a brother never once mentioned the possible presence of lower ranking demons. Why soil his magnificent weapon with their stinking blood? They were not even worthy to die by his hand! Or rather by his sword since he wouldn't touch that scum with a bargepole!
He hissed inwardly, straightening the crease on his coat that was never there and with an annoyed grunt entered the front lobby. That artefact Dante mentioned stirred his curiosity and he wouldn't let it go so easily, and he could always just take it and simply leave. Still, it better be worth this insufferable sacrifice!
The prominent demon stench hanging so insolently in the opulent lobby area made him pause in his stride. Fingers curling instinctively around the white bound hilt of his katana, Vergil shot his gaze sharply to his left just as three hell prides horded in from what seemed to be the kitchen.
They raised their hellish scythes with bloodthirsty intent, nostrils half flaring at the smell of half human flesh, scarlet liquid slowly dripping from their savagely shimmering blades and misshapen mouths…
Vergil crumpled up his nose and drew in air, and smelled…ketchup!
He hated tomato sauce with a passion, yes he hated quite a few things and had a lot of undisclosed passion, it just reminded him way too much of that shabby nimwit of a brother and his obsession with that foul, greasy mess he had the nerve to call food! And even more nerve to actually eat it! In front of Vergil!
Vergil's pale moonstone eyes ignited with unfathomable rage and he projected a blaze of molten blue fire with all he had at the monstrosities that were about to sink their tomato flavoured scythes into his delicate, steel-hard and muscle-bound flesh covered in increasable silk.
Their squeals echoed against the stone walls under his burning glare, they froze in an instant, petrified to death, their hollow sockets widening in sheer horror, mouths twisting in agony at the pressure of his unyielding demonic stare. A few seconds later, only a pile of dust and a generous stain of homemade ketchup remained where they once stood.
"Hmpf," Vergil gave a derisive snort and shrugged, genteelly brushing a few demonic dust particles off his immaculate sapphire coat. He inhaled sharply through his nose and headed up the stairs, head high, content that he didn't need to even touch those filthy abominations with a single finger, or his precious sword.
Only a few more moments in this foul smelling, worthless place, he thought, eyeing the collection of guns displayed so disgracefully on the walls with cold contempt as he ascended to the first floor where his prize to have for the day was awaiting. In the study, the library, one more door to open and there it was, right in front of him, held by…the most perpetual and natural irritant god ever had the audacity to create! A human female!
An abhorrent, aggravating, all dirtied and dishevelled heap of a gun wielding female! All armed and dangerous including a heaving pair of coco… umm breasts. At least she didn't have that wretched cannon with her, quite likely wanting to avoid the expected accident of levelling the place to dust. She did like to blow quite a few things from what he heard…or was it blow up?
Lady just about finished blasting the brains out of a hapless pride, her trained reflex instantly directing her hand armed with an Uzi towards Vergil. Her eyes would have grown wide at what she saw standing before her but she just about suppressed it.
"What the hell are you doing here, filthy scum?" she hissed through gritted teeth, malevolence shining in her bright, mismatched eyes. Just another demon to make scrambled eggs and bacon out of…
Vergil turned to look behind him, hand instantly on Yamato, confused as to whom she was referring to. He shook his head inwardly. Indisposed human, seeing things that aren't there! Possibly a post traumatic stress… He whipped himself back to face her and narrowed his frosted gaze at her.
"That artefact belongs to me. Hand it over, puny human," his voice could freeze hell over as he pointed his hand clad in a light-brown leather glove at the intricately weaved metal ball held so carelessly in her gun free hand.
Lady's eyes dropped to the said object and a slow devious smile spread across her face.
"Come and get it, lowlife," she smirked daringly, tossing it into the air and catching it again haphazardly, enjoying the murderous look blooming on Vergil's face.
Without any hesitation, Vergil advanced closer despite having a full sight of the sinister muzzle of her deadly submachine gun pointing square in between his eyes. Lady's scowling face darkened; Vergil's blazing, unblinking eyes narrowed even more.
The smouldering tension building up between them could have been sliced up with a knife and picked up with a fork. The pack of hell prides that meantime entered the room took off screaming.
The half-devil leaned even closer, completely unfazed by the cold steel of her Uzi digging into his smooth, ashen forehead. He heard Lady gulp and that brought a twisted sense of satisfaction to his features, lips moulding into a semblance of a smile.
"Give it to me," Vergil said darkly, enjoying her mounting unease. Humans are so easy…
Demons are so difficult… "And why would you want this…," Lady licked her lips slowly, untrusting glint flashing through her unusual eyes. "Odd how all those of your putrid kind seemed to have congregated here, and then you show up! Why would they come here, unless you called them here?" she speculated frostily, raging inside, agitated by the closeness of an arrogant asshole that considered himself superior in every possible way. It may have been true, sure, but it still didn't mean he had to promenade it all over her. And was that bastard eyeing the orb or her chest?
"Even if I knew why should I feel compelled to tell you, an insignificant human?! As far as I can tell they seem to enjoy the tomato sauce…" Figures, since they fit within the same category as Dante…
Vergil reached out for the artefact, she recoiled, her thick, sweat coated trusses of raven hair flouncing about.
The smell hit him then in full force! The gun powder and…the stupid coconuts! It was coming from her hair! He had to get that orb now before that heinous smell would make him feel sick. Why of all the hundreds of shampoos available to pick from she had to use coconuts!! He grabbed a hold of the artefact with his gloved hand and tugged sharply, trying not to break it at the same time, hell forbid.
Infuriated, Lady pulled the trigger in the heat of the moment, causing Vergil to throw his head to the side and momentarily lose his grip on the orb. The spray of bullets darted past him harmlessly, but the damage was done, they singed a few strands of his immaculately cut snow-white hair.
"Give it to me, demon hater!" he spat out, utterly not amused. Hair growth wasn't part of his demonic healing!
"Give it back, human hater!" she snapped back, unwilling to let go. She so found it first!
Their fingers touched as they scrambled for the ancient artefact, eyes locked in icy glares, both completely oblivious to the bright glow rising fast from the heated core of the metal orb.
Lady, feeling he wasn't really trying that hard, was nearly boiling with fury at his 'in her face' mockery of her human weakness and with an egoistic sneer shoved the submachine gun right in front of his crotch.
A second later an enormous stream of blinding coconut-white light erupted from the mysterious artefact, engulfing the entire room in its immense brightness. They both instantly let go of the burning, metal woven ball to shield their eyes just as the whole mansion shook, causing Lady's finger to squeeze the trigger and they were knocked to the ground, landing painfully on the hard floor, parts of their bodies entangled in something softer.
"FUUUUCK!!!" A forcibly muffled groan of excruciating pain echoed sharply though the dead stillness of the room.
Lady's eyes widened, this time for real…
…as she unclasped her hand, a hand drenched in blood, from Vergil's really wet groin…
Yeah I know, that was so totally stupid! I think... But the second part will be even better! :-) Muhahahaaaa
R&R please?
Yours Truly
Tora.