Pain. God Sam was in so much pain. His vision blurry as he made his way as far from the bunker as he could. Tears ran steadily down his cheeks and he made no effort to wipe them away, knowing more would just follow.
God he felt so stupid. He had seen the signs for years. Glances to each other that lasted longer than politeness dictated. Eyes that roamed over the other while the other was oblivious. Deep down he had always known it would happen eventually.
Oh God why did it have to be when shortly before his world fell apart he discovered that he was in love with his brother.
He had woken up to a rose on his pillow. Dean was not a romantic type. So little gestures like that meant the world to Sam. His heart had swelled in his chest and it was so easy to say to himself, I love that man.
He had gotten up to find where his brother had went, maybe cook breakfast for him before Castiel showed up with news on what he had discovered about their case.
Hearing noises from the kitchen he walked in, planning to give his brother a steal your breath away kiss.
Only his brothers lips were occupied. By Said angel Castiel's.
Ok, so they never told Castiel about their relationship. neither brother wanting to cause the angel discomfort. Because no matter how much they meant to Castiel, they were still brothers, living in sin. So they kept it quiet. That might excuse Cas, But Dean was kissing him back. There was no excuse for that.
Turning before he could punch his brother or kill the angel he ran to his room and grabbed his bag that he kept ready for emergencies. Stopping by his brothers room he grabbed baby's keys and made his way out of the bunker, being sure to slam the door as he went.
He threw himself in the drivers seat and started the engine. Not giving any time to rethink his plan or for Dean to run out and stop him he backed up to turn the car around then peeled out, Not sure of where he was headed, just knowing he had to get away.
And he wasn't sure if he would be coming back.
Dean had woken up earlier than he had planned. Ain't that a bitch! Debating on staying in bed and watching Sam sleep, secretly his favorite past time, or finding something to eat his stomach made the choice for him by rumbling loudly.
He kissed Sam lightly on the head as he gently made his way out of bed, making sure not to wake his bed mate.
As he threw his boxers on he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him and made his way to the kitchen. Deciding on an omelet he grabbed everything he needed and got to work.
He was putting it on a plate when he heard the flutter of wings behind him. "Hey Cas. You find anything for us?" He turned around and was frozen as the angel pressed forward and slammed his mouth to his.
Deans brain short circuited as he started kissing back on instinct. This is what he had wanted for so long. He had had feelings for Cas as long as he could remember.
So why did he feel nothing in the kiss they shared now. Sam, he was with Sam. Sam who he loved more than anyone. He pushed Cas away.
Wiping his mouth he looked at the angel. Before a year ago, looking at Cas Dean would have jumped at the chance to have him. Given anything to be with him.
Then after a hunt gone bad, Sam nearly having his throat slashed by a werewolf, new feelings developed. He Had almost lost Sam, his reason for living. How had he never noticed how beautiful his brother was.
They had gone back to the Bunker and shared a glass of brandy. As Sam made his way to his bedroom Dean couldn't see him leave. He had grabbed his hand, and much like what Cas had just done to him, slammed his lips to his younger brothers.
Sam hadn't hesitated, grabbing Deans face and kissed back.
Its been a little over a year but he couldn't imagine not having Sam with him. In his bed. In his heart as so much more than just his brother.
They had made a mutual decision to not tell Cas about being together. Mostly to protect themselves if the angel couldn't handle it. Looking back he could see that was a mistake.
He looked to Cas again and was about to tell the angel off, that his lips weren't the ones he longed to kiss, when he heard the Bunker door slam shut. His heart dropped to his feet. Sam, oh god Sam. Had he seen? He froze for about a millisecond before his feet were flying through the hall and up the stairs. He slammed through the door in time to see the tail end of baby speeding down the road, a long stretch of tire tracks in her wake. If he was in doubt before he wasn't now. Sam had seen Cas kiss him. Which means he saw Dean kiss him back.
He ran back inside to his room and grabbed his cell off the nightstand. He quickly speed dial one for Sam. It went straight to voicemail. 'Hi you've reached Sam Winchester, please leave your name, number and the problem your having and I or my brother will call you back.'
"Sammy" He yelled into the phone, "Sammy, God baby please come back! Please, I'm so sorry baby boy. I'm so sorry. Let me explain please. Please Sammy please just come back so I can explain!"
He sat down heavily on his bed, the bed he had left Sam in not too long ago. He put his hands on the sheets but his brothers warmth was no longer there. And may never be there again. He didn't realize he was crying until tears feel over his hand on the sheet.
He wasn't sure how long he sat there staring at Sams pillow before a voice behind him called his name. He turned and there was Cas. The one that started all this. He knew it wasn't fair to lay all the blame on him. He didn't make Dean kiss him back, but right now he was hurting, he had hurt Sam, and he didn't care if it was fair. "Why the FUCK did you kiss me!"
Cas just stood there, tilting his head. "I do not understand Dean. I thought that is what one does when they want the one they like to know of their intentions."
Dean couldn't believe it. He slowly stood from his bed. "Now. You choose NOW to tell me you like me! I gave you hints for YEARS that I wanted you and you finally get the hint NOW!"
Cas started forward but stopped when Dean raised his hand to stop him. "Dean I..." He started but Dean interrupted him. "Let me ask you something Cas. Have I giving you ANY indication in the past year that I wanted you? Did you notice me staring at you at all? Because I know DAMN WELL that you did before that!"
Cas nodded his head. "Yes, I did. I thought perhaps you had given up hope that I returned your feelings and felt that I should now show you that I return them. Was I wrong?"
Dean couldn't help it, he laughed. The sound was anything but happy. " Oh you were so fucking wrong Cas. You wanna know why they stopped? Cuz I've been with Sammy for over a god damn year Cas!" He didn't even realize he was yelling again. But I imagine that's gone now, because Sams gone! He's gone and he's not coming back." His voice broke at the end and he ended up dropping to his knees and sobbing out his brothers name.
Cas stood there shocked. He could see it on the angels face. "You and Sam? In a sexual relationship?"
Dean was on his feet in a second, tears still coming. "Don't you judge us Cas. Don't you dare fucking judge us."
Cas was shaking his head. "No Dean, I would never. In fact I have wondered for some time. And if I had known for sure I would never have done that Dean. I am so sorry. This is all my fault."
Dean didn't want to, but he knew absolutely none of the blame was on the angel. It was all on him. "No, we should have told you about us a lot sooner. I should have pushed you away, not fucking kissed you back." Then he thought of something. "I'm not trying to be rude man, but I didn't feel anything. Not like I do with Sam. So don't fucking try that again. These lips belong to Sam." He closed his eyes. "If he still wants me."
He could feel Cas' eyes on him. He didn't look up. He cried for what he may have lost forever. He jerked when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Dean, I can not tell you how sorry I am. Though you may not blame me, I blame myself. And I will try to make things right. I know where Sam is."
Dean quickly got to his feet. "What? Where is he? Is he coming back?"
Sadly, Cas shook his head. "He is currently headed for what I could only assume is toward bobby's house. Atleast that is the direction he is going now."
Dean sat back down and put his head in his hands. He made Sam leave. Sams leaving him. He didn't look up when Cas spoke. "Dean, he is stopped right now. I'm going to see him, though he may tell me to leave, and I'm going to try to explain what happened."
Dean still had his head in his hands when he heard the soft tell of his wings.
Sam stopped to fill up the tank about 2 hours after he left. He was no longer crying but he was in no way ok.
He paid for the gas and was making his way outside when he noticed Cas standing by the Impala. It took everything he had to keep walking and not turn around. He started talking before Cas could open his mouth. "Cas, You are one of two people that are the last I want to see. Get the fuck away from me." He walked around the car.
Cas, not one to take a hint, stood there. "Sam, I am afraid I have made a terrible mistake and you and Dean are paying for it. I did not know the two of you were in a committed relationship. I kissed Dean. Had I known, I would never had done that. I am so sorry."
Sam stood there, one hand on the door. He knew that Cas had not known. But that did nothing to help the hurt he felt.
Cas took a step closer. "Sam, Dean is worried you will not be coming back. He is scared he has lost you forever."
Sam closed his eyes. He did not want to feel sympathy towards his brother. He fucking kissed Cas back! He opened his eyes and looked straight at Cas. "It didn't seem like he was worried about that when he was kissing you." He didn't mean to throw the venom in at the end of his words but he couldn't care enough to take it back.
Cas looked down at his feet. He really had messed things up for his Winchester brothers.
Sam sighed. "Cas, you can't tell me he didn't kiss you back can you?" Cas looked back to him and his face said it all. Sam let out a tiny sob. God he had hoped. But he knew Cas would never lie. "He did push me away Sam."
That really didn't help. The damage had already been done. "I need some time Cas. I know you didn't know about us. I don't blame you. Not really. But I saw the man I love kiss someone who was not me! No matter if he pushed you back some part of him still wanted it. Wanted you." He opened the door. "And now I'm always going to wonder if he really wants me or if I'm just a place holder for you." He got in and slammed the door, looking straight ahead. He took a few deeps breaths and turned his head to look at Cas, but the angel was no longer there.
Sam started the car and fully intended on just driving off but he couldn't. No matter how much he was hurting he was still Deans little brother. The one who always let him know he was ok.
He turned the phone on and saw the voicemail. Pausing only for a moment he played it. By the end of it he was crying again. Dean had sounded so broken. It only strengthened his resolve to call. If only to reassure his older brother that he was ok.
He hit speed dial one and waited, it barely rang once. "Sammy?"
He tried to keep his breathing calm and even. "Dean.
He didn't get another word in before Dean was off. "Baby boy, I'm so sorry! Nothing happened! All he did was kiss me! I pushed him away and told him about us! I had too! It wasn't what it looked like baby! I Swear!"
By the end of it Dean was finished his breathing was labored. Sam could feel his brothers pain through his words. Though it did nothing to sooth his own. "Wasn't what it looked like? So I didn't see you kiss Cas back?" He heard Deans sharp intake of breath. Yeah, that's what I thought. "I need some time Dean. You wanting it or not it doesn't matter. You still kissed him back. You wanted it." Dean started to interrupt him but he kept on. "If you didn't his lips would have never made it to yours Dean! Don't fucking lie to me!"
He was crying again but he didn't care. Did Dean think he was stupid? "NO! No Sammy, God no I don't think your stupid!" Oh, he said that aloud. "Your the smartest person I know. Always have been. Please come back so we can talk. I need to see you. Please Sammy." Dean was begging. Dean never begged for anything. Unless he was begging Sam as he was tied to the bed...
NO, gotta put those thoughts away. "I can't Dean. I don't honestly think I could look at you right now." He heard Dean start to cry and it broke him even more. "I'll check in every so often. And I'm sorry I took baby. I promise I'll take care of her.." Dean interrupted him, "I don't care about the fucking Car Sammy!"
That stopped Sam for a moment. This car was Deans second love, aside from Sam. To hear him say that threw Sam. But he quickly got back to it. "I'll check in." He finished.
He heard Dean breathing raggedly. Thinking the conversation was finished he went to hang up when he heard Dean say quietly, "You'll come back, Right Sammy? After you had time, you'll come back to me?"
Sam rested his head on the steering wheel. Dean sounded so lost. Part of him just wanted to go back and hold Dean and work it out right then and there.
But he couldn't. Not yet. "I'll come back Dean. I promise." He didn't promise the other part. Because he didn't know if he could keep it.
He quickly hung up and started the car. He chose a direction and just drove.
And back at the Bunker an angel was holding a hunter, who was sobbing his heart out on his knees for the man he loves. For he had heard what Sam couldn't promise.
3 weeks later
Sam sat in the Impala, parked in front of the Bunkers main door. He had driven for miles, intending to make it to bobbies place. At the last minute he turned and found himself in Boulder Colorado. He stayed in a little motel on the outskirts and spent the first week there in a drunk stupor. The next few days were spend cleaning the little room and he finished the stay by doing nothing but thinking of Dean.
He missed his brother terribly. He was still pissed. And hurt. God how he still hurt. But the more he had thought about what had happened, the more he realized maybe Dean honestly couldn't help it. He had known for years before they had gotten together how his brother had felt for Cas. Those types of feelings don't just go away. He still loved Jess as much as he did before she died. And if it had been Jess who had laid one on him, he probably would have kissed back too before he came to his senses.
Not that it helps much, but maybe just a little bit.
So with a heavy Sigh he got out and made his way inside.
He shut the door behind him and made his way down stairs. He was going to go straight to his room before he went to find Dean, but fate had other plans as there at one of the tables in the main entrance sat his brother. He was cleaning his gun and had yet to notice he was there.
Sam took a minute to really look at him. He looked terrible. His eyes had deep shadows under them. His hair looked like it hadn't been washed in he didn't know how long and he could tell that he had lost a lot of weight.
So in all reality, he looked like Sam.
Before he could let his presence be known Dean glanced up and saw him. He dropped the gun onto the table and stood quickly. "Sam?" He said it like a question. Like he couldn't really believe Sam was there.
Sam placed his bag down, never taking his eyes off of his brother. "Hey Dean." He didn't really know what else to say. How to start up the talk they so desperately needed to have.
Dean however, had no problem on where he wanted to start. "Sammy, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I was making an omelet and I heard Cas Come in and I asked him about the Case. I turned and all of a sudden he was right there kissing me! I know that's no excuse but Sam, I honestly didn't mean to. It just happened!"
Sam waited until his brother ran out of air. He was tempted to tell him to sit down because by the end of his speech he looked about ready to pass out. But he didn't. He didn't want anything interfering with this. "And what's going to stop it from happening again?"
Dean took a step toward him, "No, Sam no it wouldn't..."
But Sam wasn't done. "Yeah, it did once. You wanted it at some point Dean! I saw the looks you two shared over the years! I knew you wanted each other!" He was getting louder the more he spoke. That didn't stop him. "I loved you you son of a bitch! for a year I loved you and I gave you everything! You could have had him at any time and you chose when there was an US to let what you felt for him cloud your judgment! Yeah, you pushed him away. AFTER YOU KISSED HIM! You didn't even think of me until after the fact! So what do I have to tell me that this will never happen again huh Dean?"
He was full on yelling by the end of it. And crying. He took deep sobbing breaths to try to calm down. All the while looking at his brother, who had his own tears spreading.
Dean took another step then another until he was right in front of Sam. He didn't touch him. Though Sam could see he how much he wanted too. "Love." Dean spoke softly. And if Sam hadn't been watching him, he would have missed it. "What?"
Dean kept his eyes right on Sams. "You love me Sammy. Not loved. Not past tense." His voice cracked.
Sam closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the pain in those deep green eyes he loved so much. They shot open again when he felt the lightest touches against his cheek. Where Deans hand lightly traced his fingers down. "Sam, I know we can't just kiss and make up. We have a lot to work through and I have a lot to make up for. But please Sam, Please tell you love me."
Sam couldn't help it. He started sobbing. "I love you Dean. So much." He continued to sob even as Dean threw his arms around him and held him tighter than he could ever remember. "I never stopped loving you Dean. Even when I thought I wanted too I couldn't! And it hurt so much!"
Dean held him close as Sam continued crying into his neck. Sam felt his shoulder getting wet and knew his brother was crying with him. He could hear Dean apologizing over and over, placing little kisses to his neck.
They stayed that way until Sam cried himself out. Dean pulled back only to grabbed Sam gently by his face and pull him forward until their foreheads touched. "I love you Sammy. I loved you all my life Even before our relationship was more you were still the love of my life." He pulled back just a bit so he could see into Sams eyes. "I thought I loved Cas. I thought he was the one I wanted more than anything. And yeah, I thought about him from time to time,"
Sam made a pained noise so he plowed on. "Then he kissed he. And yeah, I kissed back. I guess part of me just couldn't believe it finally happened. But I felt nothing Sam. No sparks, firework, nothing. Then I pushed him away and looked at him."
He backed Sam up until his legs met with a chair. Sitting Sam down he knelt beside him, never losing contact with him. "Again I felt nothing Sam. It was like those feeling where never there. And they haven't been. Not since you and me crossed that line into lovers.
Your all I want Sam. When I kiss you, I feel like my body is going to shut down because there is so much there when I feel you. So much that it just can't handle it! When I look at you, I see my everything. Everything that is important to me, everything I love. Not the Bunker, not the Impala, sure as hell not Cas.
And I have to tell you he hasn't been here. After you called he stayed with me for a few hours I guess to make sure I was ok. I don't know, he didn't say. And I asked him to leave. Told him not to come back until you said you were ready to see him. If that day never comes Sams so be it."
Sams eyes widened. "You can't do that Dean. He's your best friend.."
"And I love you Sam. I'm serious. I don't care if we need him for cases. This whole world can burn cuz if I don't have you," he ran his hands softly over Sams face, "baby boy, if I don't have you I don't have anything worth living for anymore."
Sam looked at his brother, the man he still loved more than anything, and saw that everything he said was nothing but the truth. One thing Dean Winchester was not was a liar.
The Shadows standing out more so up close. "You haven't been sleeping." It wasn't a question. They both knew brought his hands up and trailed his thumbs over the tear tracks leading down his brothers beautiful face.
Dean chuckled. "Neither have you." In turn Dean thumbed over the shadows under Sams eyes. Sam leaned into the touch as he felt Dean do the same.
Sam sighed and Stood up. Dean looked panicked until Sam took his hands and brought him up with him. "We still need to talk, and we will. But we both need to sleep and probably eat before we do that."
Dean nodded his head. Yeah, he could see, like him, Sam had lost more weight then he was comfortable with. "Yeah, ok Sammy. I'll make you a big breakfast. Anything you want." Sam smiled and started walking towards their rooms, not letting go of Deans hand.
They paused outside of Sams room. Before Dean could tell him he understood if he needed to be alone tonight Sam tugged him into the room with him. "I missed you Dean. I missed feeling you next to me and I need to feel that again. Please."
Dean paused only long enough to make sure he would not cry out in joy before he reached around Sam to pull his pajama pants out of the drawer behind him. His eyes asked for permission which Sam granted with a slight nod before he grabbed the bottom of Sams shirt and pulled up and over his head, letting it fall to the ground. Next he carefully undid Sams button and zipper before he slid his pants down and off his long legs. It took everything he had not to look at Sams groin while he slid the pajamas up his legs to settle on his narrow hips.
Sam was breathing deep and Dean worked to get him ready for bed. This was not sexual, he knew that. And he knew Dean knew that. If anything, it felt like healing.
Sam laid on the bed.
Dean excused himself long enough to go get ready himself before he was back and slipping into Sams bed. Once he was under the covers he didn't know what to do with his hands.
Sam took care of that by laying himself across Dean, causing him to wrap his little brother in his arms. "God I missed you so much Sammy. Nothing was right without you."
Sam nodded his head. He knew the feeling. "I'll tell you about the last few weeks in the morning." He snuggled closer. "I missed you too Dean. I missed being in your arms."
Dean tightened his hold. "You can be here as long as you want to little brother. No place else I want you to be. No one else i'd rather have." A single tear made its way down his face but he didn't mind. Sam was here.
Sam held his breath. Then breathed out. "Forever?"
Dean turned Sam to face him. "Forever Sammy. Your it for me." He brought his face closer to Sams then spoke softly against his lips. "I love you Sam."
Sam heart about burst from his chest. "I love you Dean." Then bright his lips to meet Deans. Its the first kiss they have shared since everything went to hell in a hand basket. But as the days and weeks past it would not be there last. No where close.
And 2 months later Sam asked Dean to invite Cas to join them on a hunt, they both knew their love was strong. They had healed. And they would have forever. Together.