Pairings: SxK
Rating: NC-17... no kiddies here :p
Dedicated to Shell because she's evil just like me, and Murasaki because it's fun to write really twisted SxK just to see how she'll react to it XD
Warnings: This fic handles some EXTREMELY disturbing subjects, be so warned ... this ain't your mother's SxK If you're looking for happy, fluffy SxK perhaps you should move along. But then again, I don't believe in gratuitous or pointless abuse, torture, rape, etc, etc, in fics... so get through to the end and who knows, you might like it after all
Kamui grinned up mischievously at his captor, not fighting the weight that pinned him to the futon, in fact ... embracing it. Relishing in the feeling of Subaru's hands strangling his wrists, in the force of the Sumeragi's cold stare, and even in the subtle fury to the onmyouji's breathing. He loved it, but how could he not? He had known very little else for 2 years.
"Neh Subaru, remember when I first came here?" His grin broadened slightly and the deep purple color of his eyes sparkled darkly, playing off the double meaning of the words. He rose up as much as he current position would allow and dropped his voice to a dark hush. "And I was just a helpless ... innocent ... boy." Each word was accented and drawn out with an airy purr as if Kamui was taunting Subaru the only way he could. "Who was helplessly in love with you?"
Subaru raised an eyebrow suspiciously, indicating that he knew to what the younger man was referring, but said nothing. He had never talked much to begin with, but after it all ... he began talking even less. It was at the point now that the sound of Subaru's voice startled Kamui, it was so very rarely he heard actual words from the onmyouji.
As such Kamui was not expecting an answer to his question, and continued on unfazed by his situation. Like it was perfectly normal for a person to carry on a conversation while pinned down to the bed. "Do you still kill people Subaru? I've always wanted to ask, because I've never been really quite sure what you do when you're ... not here," he smiled again, softly this time, not taking advantage of the obvious attack. "I suppose outside of this place you could be doing almost anything ... hell maybe you have Seishirou-san's corpse in your bed for recreational purposes--"
The slap came hard and quickly, making a cracking sound as it hit and burned his cheek for whole minutes afterwards. He felt the skin flush both hot and cold and his eyes tearing ever so slightly. "I'm sorry Subaru ... I shouldn't have said that, it just came out."
"You're a sick boy Kamui."
Subaru's voice was even, neither contemptful nor cold. Other than the slap across the face there was nothing that indicated any reaction to Kamui's statement.
The "boy" merely grinned, because he was not a boy at all. Not anymore at least. Although he remained very slight and thin, he had grown a good measure taller and matured a bit more. He was 20 years old, his face had grown out of it's innocent angelic like shape a bit. Cheeks less plump and youthful, subtle angles that had been sculpted in over the years... Not a boy by any stretch of the imagination.
But to Subaru ... maybe.
"Aa, you're right," he concluded, eyes closing with a brief helpless shrug-- or about as close as anyone could get with his arms pinned above his head anyway. "You're always right, I'm a sick fuck ... you're a sick fuck..." He trailed off, likely expecting to be hit again. But he was not, and this seemed to satisfy him in some odd way. His eyes lit up deviously and he continued, "we're sick fucks together really. Sorou always said we'd make a great couple."
"Sorata," Subaru corrected, his eyes softening somewhat, a bit of a fond smile curling up in them.
Kamui blinked, tilted his head and considered that mistake for a moment before throwing it aside. "Yeah that was it ... hey you're the one who wants me to forget about all them anyway. They're dead, not like I can't be polite and remember their names." He continued rambled on like that for sometime, his mind not able to decide whether he was justifying the mistake or condemning Subaru's approval of the mistake.
"Well my point is, we're both fucked up," he announced cheerfully. "Now, don't you want to fuck me up a little more?" A grin of cool anticipation, rubbing one leg against Subaru's shamelessly.
"Not especially," Subaru replied.
Kamui pouted a little, "why not? You never had any problem with that before, regardless of what I thought about it."
He extended his arm fully, spreading his fingers and watching the muffled sun light dance between them. This was his prison, he thought blandly. He had been held here for 2 and a half years. 4 years since the Promised Day had come and gone as coldly as a stiff breeze through his hair.
Maybe he was dead and this was Hell ... maybe it was Heaven, he could not find a difference anymore.
Memories of the Promised Day were vague and random. He knew that he had killed Fuuma, and that many of the faces that had become so familiar were dead as well. He could not, despite multiple attempts, remember how they had died. The things he did remember seemed almost disrespectfully irrelevant.
Like the rusty green color of exposed metal as the paint peeled on the beams of Tokyo Tower. The smell of concrete dust. The gleam of the red jewel in his sword as it eagerly bathed itself in blood...
When he thought of Fuuma now, all that came to mind was blood. His blood, Fuuma's blood, the blood of people Fuuma had killed ... it didn't really matter. He fought to remember, fought to remember the face of his twin star, what his voice had sounded like, what the Dark Kamui had been wearing the day he had died. Anything other than the feeling of warm blood curling around his fingers and running down his wrists as the blade pierced the heart of his best friend.
How horrible was it that he could only remember that? He had been thinking of that on the day Subaru came for him hadn't he? The feeling of warm blood curling down his wrists. But he could remember so much more than that back then, so much more. Yet the only memory he could link to the incredible pain of that day was the feeling of blood, and how much his blood had felt like Fuuma's blood that day.
Everyday Subaru took a little more from him. A little more of the memories of what he was and what he had done. A detail here, an event there, until one day he woke up and wondered whatever happened to that pretty girl he'd been so fond of--
He remembered of course, seconds after the question had occurred to him he remembered. But the simple fact that for one moment he had not been able to recall Kotori's death, disgusted him.
He didn't know whether to hate Subaru or love him for that.
It was not the rape of his body he minded, one such as he who's only use was the murder of people he loved, deserved as much... it was the rape of his mind that tormented him. The fact that every time Subaru forced him down, he took something much more important to Kamui than his dignity.
Their names ... their faces ... their histories and dreams... All slipping away from him a little more, a little more.
Sorata.
His goddamn name was Sorata.
He stared at the walls of his cell. Simple wood with traditional rice paper windows and sliding doors. No bars, no chains, no cement walls or electrified fences. Hell there weren't even any wards or barriers raised. Just wood and paper.
The one who possesses the power of the Gods ... watch him as he remains trapped in his paper prison...
It occurred to him as he stared at his fingers that he could just blow this place to bits. That escape was ridiculously easy and that he had never actually tried to escape. He wondered idly if there was some trick to this house. If escape was not really as easy as it appeared.
As if on command he heard the door to his room slide open.
"Ohayo Subaru," he smiled, his eyes not moving from his fingers. "I'm thinking of doing a little remodeling, what do think about this wall?"
Kamui had long ago gotten used to carrying on both sides of the conversation. He could almost see Subaru leaning up against the door frame, regarding him curiously and making no movement to stop him from blowing right through the wall. Kamui figured that an escape attempt would probably yield a horrible punishment, but he also had forgotten how to care about that. He continued along almost cheerfully. "I'm thinking about knocking it down so we can put in a hot tub. Wouldn't that be nice? No wait ... even better maybe I'll just leave a gapping smoldering hole there. Those are all the rage in Tokyo now, you know? Big gapping holes in buildings ... I do believe that Fuuma and I started a fad. Revolutionized interior decorating we did ... well what do you think?" He started focusing on the skin of his palm, drawing all his power there.
"Go ahead."
Subaru's voice made him jump. He had not anticipated an answer, certainly not in the mildly disinterested tone Subaru was using. Was it a game? A trick? He frowned and focused himself again on his hand. "Yeah well ... it's been a while since I've been outside ... some fresh air would do me good don't you think? I--"
His voice died with the abrupt realization that nothing was happening. Not only was Subaru not trying to stop him from escaping, but there was no sacred glow of green light sparkling around his hand. Not a bit of it. The power of the gods...
Was not answering him.
He stared at his palm for a long time, eyes tracing over the lines and textures as if the problem could be fixed by adjusting something. Angrily he whipped around to face Subaru, "what did you do to me?"
"Nothing," Subaru said.
"Then why...? Why can't I..."
"The Promised Day is over," Subaru remarked casually. "The purpose those powers were to serve has been served."
Yes, the Promised Day was over a long time ago. And it had been replaced by a new bitter future for Kamui. The first day of the rest of history had been spent digging out bodies in the wreckage. He did not care for survivors nor the rest of humanity, all that mattered to him were the bodies of those who had stood at this place on the final day. And he felt that he could not just walk away until he had them all. Some he could not identify, some he did not want to identify, so he counted them.
He wasn't really sure why he did it in the first place. He didn't know how his friends and enemies would want to be buried, or whose families to contact, or where to send them. He didn't know why he bothered at all, since all he could do was stand there and count them and try very hard not to see any faces. Perhaps he was hoping that someone-- Dragon of Heaven, Dragon of Earth-- might be alive under the mess that was around Tokyo Tower. Although that seemed entirely unlikely, he would had sensed them would he not? He would have known?
But he just had to know, he had to know they were dead for certain.
In the end there were nine. He found nine, four Dragons of Earth, five Dragons of Heaven. There was one missing.
Subaru...
He kept looking. He kept looking until they had to pull him away, screaming and lashing out and trying everything to get back to the ruins of Tokyo Tower. But they wouldn't let him. The people he had protected and saved, whose faced in his mind now were vast black voids and who's voices were the first to be lost ... several of them pulling him away, saying things that were meant to be comforting but to Kamui sounded silly and pathetic.
Earthquake ... tragedy...
They had no idea.
He was dimly aware that they brought him to a temporary shelter for the "earthquake survivors" on the outskirts of Tokyo, and he laughed at the word "survivor" and wondered why he was alive. Why he was alive and alone. Of all of the Dragons of Heaven and Earth he had the most meaningless existence. Everyone else had lives before the Promised Day, things which they had been pulled away from by the apocalypse's calling.
Even Fuuma had a more meaningful existence than him. Kamui's only purpose had been for the Promised Day. That was the reason he was born ... it made no sense for him to be the one alive after it was all over.
Alone... he realized finally when settled down on one of the many cots place across the floor of what appeared to be a school gym. He realized when he closed his eyes and tried to find Subaru. He and Subaru had always had that sort of link, he couldn't always tell where Subaru was or what he was doing, but he could always find him. A part of his heart and soul that recognized the Sumeragi's spirit among the countless numbers of people in Tokyo, like a bright red flower in a field of daisies.
When blackness met his mind's calling, when not even a flicker across his senses separated one person from the mass of mourners, he knew that Subaru was gone and his friends had left him behind.
He was alone.
The thought, surprisingly, did not make him cry. He thought it would, and the tears did come, but they came not in droplets of salt water. They came out in words.
He started talking, and he told them. He told them everything ... everything, because there was not reason to hide it anymore. Because it was all over and he was alone and useless and he could think of nothing else to do but say it. Over and over again to anyone who might get within two feet of him.
You know I killed my best friend, I think he might have loved me too ... he always acted like he did. But he was my Twin Star and a Dragon of Earth and one of us had to kill the other to determine the fate of the world.
So I killed him...
Naturally they committed him within a week.
The day Subaru came was the day the blood was running down his wrists. And he had closed his eyes and sighed happily and recalled every detail of the Promised Day perfectly. It was the last time he would hold all those details so close to his heart, and it was also the first time that Subaru interrupted such thoughts about the past.
There was something unearthly pleasurable about sitting against the heavily padded wall, watching red blood ran down his wrists and all over the floor. He remembered smiling just before the door opened and changed everything.
"Subaru..." He was having a hard time keeping his eyes focused. Pale light was leaking through his vision and his eyes were beginning to water, but he wasn't sure why. He hadn't cried in a long time, why should he start again now?
The Sumeragi looked down at the mess Kamui had made himself, a picture of utter disgust on his face. Kamui, for some reason he really didn't understand at the time, was trying to smile. He wasn't sure if it was the drugs they gave him or the blood being drained from his veins that made him feel so happy at that moment, but he was aware that the feeling is completely unwanted.
Subaru knelt down beside him and studied his eyes for a moment, as if considering if what he had come for was really worth all the trouble to collect it. Kamui understood this in some strange way, he had never been very fond of living after the Promised Day, certainly the half starved, drugged boy bleeding to death before Subaru didn't look altogether appealing.
Subaru touched his cheek, a touch that made him gasp in spite of himself. It was so real, so solid and alive, yet so cold. He had been wondering whether it was actually Subaru, or whether he was hallucinating. But now he was certain, this was Subaru. A small part of his heart buzzed warmly confirming it indefinitely. It was real, Subaru was alive and here with him finally.
The cruelty that he should finally get to see Subaru just as his hands were beginning to go numb, was not lost on Kamui.
"I wanted to see you ... so badly. I thought you were dead."
Subaru might have smiled reassuringly at him as he lifted him into his arms, Kamui wasn't sure ... everything seemed to be slipping away.
"Just once more, just once more. Even if your were dead ... I wanted to see you ... Just once more, and know for certain it was true. Even if it was to know you were dead. That was all I ever wanted..."
Normally he'd be alarmed and angry about this. Normally, if such a "normal" situation for one a die can even be imagined, the idea that he might die just as Subaru had found him would have broken him completely. But oddly in Subaru's arms he did not fear the possibility of his death. He knew that Subaru had come from him and would not let him go.
And as he suspected, he woke up the next day in the room that would soon become very familiar to him with Subaru by his side. The prison with walls made of fragile paper. The weakest bounds to hold the strongest force ... or what had once been the strongest force among men at least.
God was probably laughing at him, and showing him off at heaven's Christmas parties. 'Look there's Kamui ... I give him the power of God and his can't even tie his own tie!'. Yes that was it. He was a cosmic joke and kept alive only to be laughed at.
Subaru was tending very carefully to him, running a moist clothe over his face and neck to soothe the waning fever. His wrists were carefully bandaged and the blood washed from his skin. And it only took a brief moment and the brushing of soft cotton sheets up against his bare skin to tell him that he was also naked under the sheets. He felt his cheeks flush shyly and he glanced away from Subaru's attention.
"I'm glad you're awake, I was worried for a while there." The Sumeragi's voice was soft but felt oddly empty to Kamui.
"I'm so happy you found me. I thought at first you were an angel," Kamui laughed, causing a slight smile to flicker on Subaru's face. "But you're real aren't you? You feel real," a touch gently running down Subaru's arm as if to illustrate Kamui's statement. His fingers fascinated by the curve of muscles in Subaru's thin body. "And in my heart you feel just as I remember you."
"I was looking for you ... since that day," Subaru admitted.
"Really?" Kamui laughed again, "how strange it is that we didn't find one another until now. How did you find me there Subaru?" He shuddered with memories of that place, all vague and clouded by waves of drugs.
Subaru's hand gently stroked through Kamui's feather soft hair, his eyes listening with encouraging little glints. When the question was asked, he shrugged and did not answer. Kamui quickly grew nervous and changed the subject.
"You know ... I just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to find you and the others. Kotori ... Fuuma ... I was convinced that where ever people go when they die, I could find you all again. But I'm kind of glad I didn't have to die to find you Subaru."
Again Kamui found no response and his distress poured out in more words.
"Of course, they took me outside sometimes ... to see the birds that used to play in this big tree in the courtyard. I loved that ... the birds ... they were pretty. Pretty birds ... Pretty birds... Pretty ... Pretty Subaru." Kamui smiled hopefully at the onmyouji, a smile that was returned silently. Too silently to comfort Kamui.
"Is this your home? How far are we from Tokyo anyway? It's a nice house ... very traditional, I like it. How long have you lived--"
Subaru's fingers touched his lips gently, and the Sumeragi slide closer to Kamui, finally coming to sit on the futon beside him. "What is it you want Kamui?"
The question confused him. He looked up at Subaru, trying to catch the older man's eye but finding he could not ... Subaru was more interested with the floor. "I don't understand," he finally admitted. "What do you mean? I want to be with you and live happily ever after." He grinned stupidly at the words, trying to emphasize that this was a rare attempt at a joke.
Subaru apparently took that request more seriously than Kamui meant it. "No, if that was true ... you would not be here. This is not a place of happily ever after."
"It's not?" Kamui blinked.
Subaru shook his head in confirmation. "If you truly wanted to live a happy life ... you would not have ended up in that place ... and I would not have found you as I did and you would not be here now."
Kamui supposed that was true, but that did explain why they couldn't be happy here. His suicide attempt had been the conclusion of many different factors. Factors that had changed now that Subaru was in fact alive and with him. "I don't understand," he repeated. "What do you mean, 'what do I want'?"
"When you cut yourself," Subaru clarified. "What did you want then? Why did you do that?"
"I--" his mouth opened and closed on the word, searching for the correct answer in his mind. "I was thinking about how I wanted to be with all of you again..."
"And?"
"And ... how I wanted everything to go away."
"The others are gone, but..." Subaru's face turned to meet his stare and suddenly Kamui was overwhelmed by the realization of how close they really were. He could feel Subaru's breath softly curling across his cheek. He could feel the Sumeragi's soft black hair brushing lightly over his forehead. "I can make it all go away."
Subaru lips touched his gently but none to timidly. Like a warm hug embracing his mouth ... he melted submissively into it with a content sigh.
Subaru push him down onto the bed with a subtle aggression that alarmed Kamui, but he said nothing of it. Nor did he attempt to break the hungry kiss that brought them together. He chose to ignore Subaru's hands moving slowly down his arms and Subaru's weight shifting on top of him. He chose to ignore the possessive groping of Subaru's hand as the explored without permission or request.
The advance was unwanted only in its timing and urgency. It frightened Kamui, but he was more afraid of pulling away and hurting Subaru. He didn't want Subaru to leave. He would do anything to make Subaru happy.
So he didn't protest when Subaru slide him into his arms and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and touched him. He didn't try to resist or ask Subaru to wait-- it was too much too soon ... why did it have to be done now?-- he let Subaru stroke him. It would be a lie to say he did not enjoy it. He most certainly did, but it left him with the strangle feeling that the whole thing had been worthless to Subaru.
And when he was done, he felt confused. Oddly dirty and used, yet reason told him he had no justification in that. After all it was Subaru who had given him pleasure? What right should he have to feel like that?
He tossed those thoughts aside. This was Subaru's way of showing how he felt. He should try his best to please Subaru.
Kamui relaxed finally into Subaru arms, his breath moving oh so deeply in and out of his lungs as the warm glow of release slowly faded from his body leaving him physically content and drowsy.
Subaru's hand came up casually, passing his line of vision carelessly as Subaru moved to wipe it clean ... or reasonably so at least. On an impulse, Kamui caught Subaru's wrist and let his tongue flicker over a finger experimentally, testing both his reaction and Subaru's. When Subaru chose to merely sit and watch what he might do he grinned and licked the fingers eagerly, drawing them into his mouth and sucking lightly.
"Good?" Subaru asked, slightly amused by Kamui's boldness. The boy nodded softly, eyeing Subaru curiously with a sideways glance. He had never imagined that the Sumeragi would allow himself to act on any such desires, but he was glad for it. Even if this was not the way he would have liked his first time to go, even if it wasn't especially romantic or tender ... he was glad for it.
He had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind, like he was suppose to be thinking about something he could not remember. There was a small, fuzzy, blackness swelling in his memories, one that he could only vaguely detect.
"More?" Subaru voice was innocent, and it set him immediately at ease. All thoughts about the things forgotten immediately sank into the deepest points of his mind. He looked up at Subaru with questioning, bewildered eyes and nodded silently.
Subaru's thumb worked its way over Kamui's lower lip, parting the entranced boy's lips gently and scooping under the tongue as his lips nibbled on Kamui's neck. The fingers were accepted greedily as Subaru caught the tongue between his thumb and the knuckle of his pointer finger and held it still even as Kamui's mouth sucked softly on them.
When he came to the base of Kamui supple neck he left teeth marks with a sharp snap at the flesh. To which Kamui might have yelped had Subaru's fingers not made it impossible to achieve anything more than a small muffled choking sound.
Subaru withdrew his hand from Kamui's mouth and let the saliva glazed digits worked down Kamui's skin. He shuddered beneath Subaru's touch, feeling the Sumeragi work his body up into a deeper excitement again. He wondered idly what Subaru will do this time and how it will feel. Even as Subaru is in no rush and give no clues as to where they're heading.
There's so much he wants to ask for. So much he's thought and dreamt about doing with the onmyouji. But he also is desperately afraid that Subaru will be disgusted with him and leave him alone. He does not want to be alone. He doesn't care what Subaru does to him or thinks of him as long as he isn't alone.
Later he would wonder if he even really wanted to have sex, or whether he was just so afraid of losing Subaru that he swallowed any inhibitions and regrets that may have plagued him. And eventually he would convince himself that it was a treatment he deserved. It was in a very real sense what he wanted.
"Why do you keep me here?" he whispered. His mind has almost no strength left to fight it, to fight anything. He thought that if Subaru were to force him into something now he would only be able to offer weak protests in response.
"I don't keep you here," Subaru answered, his voice unusually forceful for the Sakurazukamori Kamui had come to know. "You want to leave?" he stepped aside and gestured at the open door. "Then leave."
Kamui looked up, wide, disbelieving eyes desperately searching Subaru for the intention behind those words. "You mean that? I can go?"
Subaru did not offer any answer, but his hand remained out stretched towards the door and his eyes waited patiently.
Kamui stared at the open door ... his freedom. The wood paneling of the hallway just outside awaited him eagerly. Odd, he thought, odd that the only thought in his head was a wonder over what that paneling felt like. He took a step forward, or rather his foot moved forward, his body's weight never really quite followed.
And then his eyes came back to Subaru. He could pretend he was just hesitating, or perhaps being wary, but the bored mismatched eyes knew better. The impassive gold and green closed with a soft sigh and Subaru began crossing the distance between them. His movements graceful and elegant across the floor. His hands in his pockets, his head lowered ... an ultimate insult to Kamui, that his pain wasn't even amusing anymore. The Sumeragi stopped just in front of him, his attention fixed over Kamui's shoulder. "I don't keep you here. Whenever you wish to leave just walk out that door."
Kamui's arm stretched out towards the door rather pathetically, as if grasping the air could somehow drag it to him. His hand trembled as he felt Subaru's lips softly on his neck and he watched the fingers shake and clench weakly in a confused horror. "Subaru ... please don't..."
Subaru's mouth was up by his ear now, teeth playing along the lob gently but possessively. "I won't try to stop you, if you really want to leave." Their foreheads were pressed lightly together, Subaru's hands running lightly over Kamui's face, kisses and nips falling carelessly everywhere. Kamui's arm weakly fall away, and later he would tell himself that the blood was running out of his arm and he couldn't hold it up anymore. "Just walk out that door Kamui ... I'll never try to stop you."
That wasn't entirely true. While Subaru had never kept Kamui from leaving Kamui had never attempted to leave either. Ever time he thought about leaving, Subaru appeared almost out of nowhere. It may him wonder softly what Subaru would have done if Kamui had decided to bolt. Would he as he said just let Kamui go without any resistance? Or did Kamui stand no real chance of escaping?
Or was it really just that Subaru knew he would never try?
"Please Subaru ... not now ... please ... don't..." the words came out pathetically in the mists of what he thought might be moans. But whether their were of pleasure, pain or simply defeat ... Kamui was not entirely sure.
Time was a strange thing in his paper prison. There seemed to be no space between morning and evening. No time between dusk and dawn, no day, no night. No hours upon hours of being alone with his thoughts. Only sleep and abuse.
Had he really been here nearly three years? Subaru's hand creaked against his back, his own hands barely holding himself up. He was thankful that he did not have to see Subaru's face this time. Thankful that he could at least try to shut out the feeling of Subaru's fingers running down his belly, and ignore the tears the shivers caused him.
Ore no omae wo...
Clothing was easy enough to get rid off. Buttons unbuttoned, cloth pushed away from shoulders, revealing more skin to the cool air, lips brushing lightly with warm breath, and surprisingly cold hands.
Subaru was always gentle in his violence, so unlike the other one who was cruel and mocking. Subaru was always gentle, always loving, always so kind, but yet his presence would not be denied. His will was like a weight that bared down on Kamui's back and pinned him down into submission.
Ore no ... omae?
There was something impatient tonight. Something more angry and dramatic than previous rapes. The kill had to be made quickly and finally, Kamui thought. That was always the way he imagined Subaru killing as the Sakurazukamori, so fast that one could only stand back at wonder at one's own death.
He did not protest anymore. Since Subaru was obviously not going to stop, it would be foolish to provoke any additional anger. Kamui simply shut his eyes and waited for it to be over. It would not hurt, because Subaru was always careful not to hurt him ... one of the odd and disgusting quirks of Subaru's career as his personal rapist. And if he was lucky he wouldn't feel quite so sick once it was over.
Ore no...omae...omae...
Ore no...
There were words that haunted his mind. Words linked so closely with Kamui's soul that there very utterance invoked a strange reaction in him. At times when lying alone in his bed as a Dragon of Heaven he wished darkly that these words could be erased from his mind. That the memories and knowledge that haunted him constantly could be taken away from him, like a burden to be lifted. He thought that everything would be much simpler if he only did not have to know that the Dark Kamui had once been so dear to him. If he didn't have to know who gave up their lives for his sake.
It occurred to him suddenly that the domino effect of Subaru's abuse was growing stronger each time they did this. What had first been small insignificant details-- a vagueness here and there, a soft fuzzy spot where he could not recall things perfectly-- had become large chunks being ripped away from him. As memories linked so closely to other memories began to fall away and his entire grasp on who he was began to collapse slowly under him.
And there were good times, smiling faces he still wanted to know that his mind no longer recognized. Their touch had been amputated with the nightmares. Subaru would not just take away the sorrow of his life, he would take away everything. Everything that marked this life as what it was being taking away by Subaru's touch.
He wanted to escape this life, but to have it done this way ... it made it seem like all he had suffered was for nothing. All his sorrow, all his pain, all his happiness and love, it was all meaningless. Soon, very soon, he wouldn't remember any of it ... and would have endured it for nothing.
In the mists of these thoughts he found a rare boldness to fight to defend what he still had. And also the panic as he could feel things literally slipping through his mind and into the deep void, the deep black hole Subaru had planted in his soul.
He screamed and moved whatever forced he still possessed against anything he could make contact with. He slipped up against the sheets as he body tried to scamper out from under Subaru. His body clawed out at anything that registered in his mind, desperate to escape with what little he still had.
Subaru arms wrapped sternly around him, keeping him from moving too much. His weight forced Kamui down onto the mattress and held him up against it so that he could not hurt either one of them with his wild and aggressive movements.
The Sumeragi shhed him gently, combing his hand through Kamui's hair and soothing his tantrum. Or at least, that was the intended effect. It seemed to fuel Kamui's rage even more.
"Give them back! Give them back!!!" Kamui screamed, his arms lashing about, looking to connect with anything. "Give them all back!!!"
"I can't." Subaru's voice was cool in his ear. "Even if I wanted to."
Kamui did not believe this. "...Then tell me ... you remember, tell me what happened that day, how they died... tell me."
"No." His voice bore no ill will, nor indication that this was a punishment, nor any hint that Subaru was denying him to torture him or to hold control over him. It was a small answer to an infinitely complicated request. "I won't do that."
"Why not?" Kamui whimpered, his nails bit into the cushioning below him. "Why Subaru? Why?"
At first he thought that Subaru was not going to answer him, the Sumeragi's hands were continuing with their pervious dedications. But just before Subaru's lips pressed into his back he felt the Sumeragi's low tone brush against his skin. "They're were quite insignificant things ... you're memories. What do they matter now?"
"Because ... I don't want everything to be worthless. Everyone who died, everyone who suffered for me. I don't want them to be worthless."
"They're not," Subaru assured calmly.
"I can't believe ... that I ever imagined I loved you!"
He could feel Subaru's smile spread on his back. "I'm not the first you thought that about Kamui ... although you never actually said it to the other did you?"
"...I don't know ... maybe I did."
"You didn't," Subaru corrected smoothly. "You felt too guilty to even admit that feeling to yourself."
"What do you care?" Kamui spat. "All you ever do is use me. The pretty little ass you like to fuck. All I am is a glorified sex toy to you, that's all I ever was..."
Subaru's soft chuckle moved up his spine. He hated it, it made the hairs on the back of his neck bristle in both excitement and rage. "Is that so?" Subaru purred. "If that's the truth, I wonder Kamui, how much of that you created for yourself."
"What do you mean?" He looked over his shoulder at Subaru's smirking face to the best of his ability considering his position.
"This is not a place of happy endings ... remember? The nature of this place forbids both endings and true happiness. It you seek these things, then you will leave as all people eventually do. Although the time you spend here depends entirely on the your desires. People who wish to live forget easily and eagerly walk out that door to a new life. People who have no desire to live hold on to everything and rot here. They are trapped. Prisoners held by their own will and commitment to a past and sorrow that no longer exists. They will leave eventually ... but they can spend 2 years, 4 years, a thousand years here. They will stay trapped here until they wish to live and leave."
He paused, soft licked falling on Kamui's back. Kamui shivered, but tried to remain calm and consider what he was told carefully. He did not understand what it meant, but it seemed right with his mind's experience of this place.
"What happens here is your creation, and will play out until you are satisfied enough to let it go. It will play out until you are at peace and no longer hold onto what was."
Kamui stared silently off into space, searching Subaru with his heart to try to pinpoint the identity of the imposture. But his heart gave him no difference in it's answer. This was Subaru.
Subaru sat up a bit, still straddling Kamui's waist. "Do you understand this Kamui?"
"You're saying this is happening because I want this..."
Subaru shook his head, an action that Kamui could almost hear, and leaned down until his lips touched the tip of Kamui's ear. "No ... I'm saying this is happening because I want you to live.
"It's not fair of me to interfere I know," Subaru admitted. "The heart should come to terms on it's own time. But left to your own devices Kamui I know you would be here for much longer than two or three years and I almost can't bear to consider what you would put yourself through before you allowed yourself to move on.
"It's a little selfish of me, you're right. It is what I chose to put myself through for my own time here. Because you are so much like me and still I can't do anything for you. It's very wrong of me, but it will play out until my heart understands what my mind already knows.
"There was nothing I could ever do for you."
Subaru moved him to his side and spooned up against Kamui with soft kisses across his shoulder. He brushed his fingers across the soft, smooth, flesh of Kamui's chest, playing across the nipples teasingly. Kamui gasped and shuddered in Subaru's arms, a weak moan slipping past his lips.
"And eventually the part of you that yearns for this and keeps you here will realize that you do not deserve to be a victim. No matter how many tragedies you fail to prevent or how many lives are sacrificed for you, you don't deserve to be a victim." He slid one leg softly between Kamui's, rubbing calf against calf as Kamui writhed. "That's what keeps us entangled here Kamui ... we both want this. But it will be over for you soon. Soon you will have no reason to think that you deserve to be treated like this. It's horrible of me because you cannot force someone to learn something, but that is one of the many things my heart has to come to understand. That you can do nothing to change the will of ours without their permission. So you're right Kamui ... I am using you."
"Subaru..." Kamui panted, only dimly aware of how much he needed Subaru right now. How much Subaru's gentle touch was enflaming his skin. "I don't want to forget them. That would be wrong."
"It's not the mind that learns Kamui, it's the heart. And the mind will forget but the heart will not. You haven't forgotten them, any of them. And if you see them again one day, your heart will know them even though your mind cannot remember their names, dreams and favorite colors. You will not lose those of this life, nor those of lives gone by, nor those onto the next."
The man with the strange eyes of different colors licked just under his chin and ran his hand down Kamui's hip. Fingers touched him as they often did and Kamui gasped out loud and open his eyes. "No... no... I want to see you."
He paused, obviously not expecting such a request from Kamui. They stared at each other for brief searching seconds before his green and gold eyes smiled at Kamui and he nodded. "All right, if that's what you want."
He laid Kamui down on his back and guided his legs up onto his shoulders. Kamui studied him carefully, his own deep violet eyes reflecting a small curiosity and wonderment at the man before him. Almost as if he was seeing him for the first time.
Kamui reached up and allowed the tip of his fingers to brush under the man's gold eye. There was something familiar about that. Something that left him with a distant feeling of pain, but he couldn't ... he couldn't seem to place it.
Indeed there was something familiar about this man before him, and the feeling of him pressing into Kamui's body all seemed vaguely familiar.
He watched with rapt fascination as the other moved in a matter that could only be described as oddly graceful. A gentle yet powerful raise and fall in and out of him. It felt good he noted, and that seemed to drive all other concerns away. Until he didn't care who the other man was and even the pain he felt in his heart upon looking at that eye of gold faded from his notice.
It felt so good, he arched up into it. Matching the man's rhythm and moaning as he fell into a place where the only thing he could recognize was intense pleasure vibrating through him.
A hand came down and stroked him in time with their motions. He bit his lip at the firm hold of it moving up and down his length. And it was not long at all before his body became very tense and still and pushed as close to the source of the pleasure he could get before release washed over him finally and his mind drifted down into the blackness of sleep.
He could have left then. Indeed the sparkle of light beaming through the paper window was beginning to capture his curiosity. He wondered idly what was outside those walls and imagined opening the door to fields of green and gold and crystal blue skies. He was about to walk out the door without a single thought when a concern, muffled and clouded in his mind, snagged.
He glanced over his shoulder to find a man leaning on the frame to the room where the light could not find him. The room of paper walls and windows. He was standing in the hallway, hand pressed up against the wooden paneling the door out of the house and into whatever lay outside just inches from him.
Kamui turned around. The man seemed both surprised and perhaps a tad alarmed at this. The smiled faltered on his face just a little. "What is it?" he asked softly.
Kamui looked at the door again, his fingers tracing over the delicate paper and the patterns of bright sunlight that breathed through them-- providing light but not allowing the light to touch those inside the house. He paused, he did not know what was wrong, only that his heart was not content just yet.
He looked back at the man with the odd eyes, finally settling on speaking the first thing that came to his mind and hoping it was also the most honest. "Aren't you coming?"
The smile returned, brighter and less burdened than before and the man closed those unusual eyes softly and shook his head. "Not just yet."
"Soon?"
"Perhaps." The man had a way of smiling with his whole body and not just his lips. And it made Kamui oddly happy to see it.
Kamui looked back at the sliding door and the light beaming seductively. How it was killing him not to know what was on the other side of it. How he wanted to open the door and rid himself of the suspense. "Maybe I should stay..."
He was startled by the arms that gently wrapped around his shoulders, and the chin that rested on his shoulder. The man's eyes looked amused by Kamui's offer. "No, you should go. You want to go right?"
Kamui nodded, "but ... you'll be all alone here then."
"I know ... that's okay. You can't do anymore for me anyway."
"I suppose not," Kamui sighed. "But I want to see you again, I like you."
Subaru nibbled cutely at Kamui's ear. "I'll be all right. I have things to take care here first. And you have others waiting for you to find them again that you like more than me anyway."
Kamui laughed softly, "do I?"
"Aa ... we all do."
Kamui pressed his hand on the door as if about to slide it open, but stopped just before he finalized the motion. He turned around in the other's embrace and looked up with hopeful eyes. "Not too long?"
"Not too long," he nodded. "You'll hardly notice the time I promise. When you leave you will have forgotten all about this place."
"So if I see you again it will be like a pleasant surprise?"
"That's right."
Kamui pushed away gently, smiling brightly at the other as he moved back to let him leave. "Not too long," he repeated. "I'll be going now ... Sayonara."
He nodded politely, "Sayonara."
"In the intermediate state there are no real chariots, nor horses, nor roads; but by the light of the Self he creates chariots and horses and roads. There are no real blessings, nor joys, nor pleasures; but he creates blessings and joys and pleasures. There are no real ponds, nor lakes, nor rivers; but he creates ponds and lakes and rivers. He is the creator of all these out of the impression left by his past deeds."
Brihadaranyaka Upanishad (Prabhavananda), 105
--End--