Title: I'm Never Staying After Class
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.
Summery: After class with Mad-eye Moody. With hilarious results. Crack fic.
Warning: Weird coupling with gay in it. Don't like don't read.
It was the last class of the day and Draco had stayed back to find out how to raise his grade in Defense Against the Dark Arts. "Professor Moody is there anyway I can improve my grade?"
"Constant vigilance you stupid ferret." Luna walked over "Hello all, I was following a wrackspurt this way do you happen to know which way it went?"
Draco rolled his eyes looking at her "why the hell would I know?" Moody hit Draco with his pimp cane.
"They make your brain all fuzzy and it would be dreadful if they had gotten to anyone this time of year." Luna's voice was her normal insane tone as Draco called it.
Moody looked at Luna "I think they have already gotten to you." He then whacked Draco again saying "Constant vigilance you stupid ass ferret."
"Hmm…you may be right it would explain why I seem to have lost track of it suddenly. The nargles told me once that there is a way to temporarily guard yourself against them. A game most fun actually. Would you like to know? We have yet to state it in the quibbler you know."
Draco sighed in annoyance. "Why on earth would I ever listen to you, much less a nargle."
"Maybe it will make you have Constance vigilance."
In the attempts to possibly gain a grade point the asked "what is it loony."
"Something most easy actually, most people don't even realize they are playing a game so useful as this. I've never played it myself yet as I'm a bit odd and never been invited and it's called I never. Would you like to play it with me? It would be most interesting game of wit to play, and as insightful as a bibberring humdinger."
"Professor, would this perhaps raise my grade?" Draco was trying to keep a pleasant tone.
"Mr. Fer….Malfoy I already told you, constant vigilance will raise your grade. And this may cause you to think twice before hiding in the closet and not noticing someone found you on Mr. Potter. So your playing as a punishment." Moody hits Draco for a third time with his pimp cane.
"Then Lovegood you have two playmates." Draco rolled his eyes.
"Let's play then , before the wrackspurts appear again. Now where do you keep the liquor?"
Moody rolled his good eye. "Where else do you keep the fucking liquor?"
"In your pimp cane?" Draco asked sarcastically earning him a sharp whack from Moody. He waddled off and came back with fire whiskey pouring all three of them shots.
Moody smirked "I've never gone without constant vigilance." Draco drained his shot glass. Was Moody trying to get him drunk?
"I've never had someone find me desirable" He took a drink. Harry definitely found him desirable, he was always pulling Draco off for a quick shag. Luna also drank her shot. Draco grinned when Moody didn't drink, and another hit. If he didn't get a migraine from the hang over he was sure to have, Moody would give him one from that damn cane.
"Stupid ferret!" Moody yelled reaching over and hugging Luna.
"I've never rode a theresals." Luna said then took a drink along with Moody. Draco hadn't seen one yet let alone ride one.
After one hour of the game everyone was drunk. Not that Luna seemed much different.
"Can you believe Potter thought if we had sex, he'd top?" Draco was laughing, but not half as hard as Moody.
"I know, its like a Heilopath bottoming a moon frog. Which is totally illogical mind you."
"Does Greyback top with you Moody?" Draco smirked.
"Don't make me pimp you!" Moody snarled.
"Pimp Luna, at least she's in a dress!" He held his hands up.
"I say it would be much more tantalizing if it was the three of us together." Draco wasn't drunk enough for that idea.
"I would have to agree with Miss. Lovegood."
"You guys aren't planning anything, are you?" Draco was getting nervous and he didn't want to admit but he as becoming a bit aroused.
"Constant vigilance ferret."
"Well I am, but I'm sure I'd have to consult with your boyfriend before hand. Though I'm sure he wouldn't mind once I tell him the nargles were involved." A dreamy smile was on Luna's face.
"Mr. Potter might be a little jealous that his little ferret is having with other people." Moody smirked at Draco.
"I am not his and what I do does not concern him." His tone was defensive.
"Oh but it does. If he wasn't yours as you're his, you wouldn't feel as if a wrackspurt flew through you every time you see him."
Draco didn't want whatever this was to stop, if it was even going to happen, and he didn't want it to be stopped just because he was screwing Harry. "Well… The nargles are involved so…"
"Are we going to finish up this game, or bottle." Moody swished the contents in the bottle.
"Which ever comes first, I suppose." Luna was looking dreamy, Draco figured she was thinking of what the three of them might do.
"The bottle. I need to be a hell of a lot drunker if this is going to happen." He wanted to be able to claim anything that happens tonight was dew to his drunk state of mind.
Moody poured another much larger glass for them, and chugged his down. Luna sipped hers while Draco drained his. He then leaned his head in her lap. She started petting his hair.
"Well guess I can go now." He sat up wobbly. If nothing was going to happen, he was ready to go lay in his bed.
Moody poured Draco another glass telling him to "sit down ferret." He drank it willingly then layed back closing his eyes. Luna pulled Draco so that his head was back on her lap, making it easier to pet him. Moody smirked turning him into a ferret, but to his displeasure Draco used his small size to curl into a ball on Luna's lap. He turned him human again yelling " constant vigilance!"
Draco realized he wasn't going to be able to leave and if he was going to be staying he wanted to have some fun. He crawled onto Moody's lap.
"Well don't you two look comfortable. If I was a animegus I would join you over there Draco." Luna smiled her dreamy smile at him and Moody.
"This is not practicing constant vigilance Mr. Malfo..*hic up*." He went to hit Draco with the cane, but loses grip and the cane smacks Luna in the head.
Luna pouted "well that hurt as bad as a umgbular slashkilter."
"Maybe I don't want to be constantly vigilant at the moment." Leaned against Moody in a slightly seductive way.
"Then the whole school may find out about your little actions in Professor Snape's potion supplies closet." Moody smirked.
Draco grinned back "If they find out about that they may find out about you having sex with two of your students."
"And that would be terrible for your profession , wouldn't it professor." Luna's voice had changed slightly.
"Yes, except for one fact Mr. Malfoy, it has not happened yet, caused by your drinking to much." Moody's crazy eye fixed on Draco.
"I have not drank to much seeing as I can still hold myself upright. And speak coherently."
Moody hit Draco on the back of the head " Constant vigilance!"
Draco to the cane "If you'd stop hitting me maybe it could happen!"
"If we were to do it, I think it would be wise to do it before Draco gets hit one to many times and thinks it's a dream" Luna shifted forward slightly.
"And yet again I must agree with Miss. Lovegood." His eye leaving its gaze from Draco.
"Well what's stopping you both, especially you Moody. I am on you lap" Turning towards Moody getting near his neck.
"Well since you pointed it out, why don't you get to work?" He took a sip of his whiskey.
Draco looked over at Luna "well care to join us?" He had waited long enough to get this started, he wasn't going to wait any longer.
"Sure what would you like me to do?" Luna's voice was very innocent.
"Well you can help Mr. Malfoy begin, since he's being to slow for my patients." Moody's tone was unusually gruff.
That night a certain Ravenclaw and Slytherin did not return to their common rooms.
Authors Notes: I had a lot of fun writing this with Nayami-Chan and Rylee-Potter. We each chose a character and did the dialogue. I was Draco, Nayami was Luna, and Rylee was Mad-eye. We didn't take the story farther…. Cause it would just be weird doing more than that. Well hope you had a lot of laughs. Please review!