Disclaimer: I do NOT own Ritsuka or most other characters mentioned here. They are from Loveless and belong to Yun Kouga. I DO own Akira, however. he's mine. I make NO money off of writing i this fandom
Dedication: I know this sounds silly, but I wrote this for my 22nd birthday (November 27). So...happy brithday to me? XD
000
I thought I knew everything that I needed to know. I knew that my mother was abusive towards me, my father was never home, and my older brother was the best, most caring brother in the world. I knew I didn't have many friends at school, I knew I got good grades, and I knew I liked to read. I knew I was different then I was in years before, I knew that I may never be that way again, but I was sent to a therapist to figure out the reason for it. I knew I had no memories before I turned ten, I knew that I didn't know why I lost them.
Then, when I started classes at Johansson Elementary School, everything changed. I knew some new things. I knew I could make friends, I knew I had someone at my side that would always protect and love me, I knew I had a safe place to be to escape my mother. I knew I liked to make memories, and go places with my friends, and do things with them. I knew I liked going to Yokohama on long school vacations and Art shows on weekends and short vacations. I knew I liked hanging out with adults just as much as I liked hanging out with people my own age.
But there were a lot of things I didn't know. I didn't know why my brother was murdered, and what he'd done to deserve such a fate. I didn't know how close my fighter and my brother were before we met. I didn't know about Fighters and Sacrifices and Word Spell battles. I didn't know where my memories had gone off to or how they were stolen from me.
As the days went on, I would learn more things that I really didn't want to know. I would learn that Seimei had faked his death and was still alive, I would learn that Septimal Moon was the cause for most of the troubles in our secret underground world, and I would learn that nothing I could do would bring my brother back. I would learn that my brother had a fighter at his side. I would learn that my brother was violent, he hated being touched, and he hated Septimal Moon even more. I would learn the names of five Septimal Moon members; Minami Ritsu, Sagan Nagisa, Saotome Nana, Gomon Mikado, and my own brother, Aoyagi Seimei.
But the more I learned, the more questions I had. Who died in Seimei's place? Why did Septimal Moon hate Seimei? Why was Soubi afraid of Seimei and why did he hate Ritsu-sensei? What did Seimei do to make everyone hate him? Why would he betray Mikado in the worst way possible? How did he fake his dead? Did someone I had now become involved with steal my memories from me? Why did Soubi bring me to his parents' grave, beg me never to leave him, make out with me, and then ditch me because Seimei appeared, snapped his fingers, and told him to come? Why did my mother never seem to notice my absences? Why did my friends at school still want to be friends with me, knowing that I wasn't telling them the entire truth?
I learned many things that I both wanted and didn't want to know. I had many questions, but little answers. The few answers I did have only led to more questions. There were people in my life that I could trust, as were there people I couldn't trust, and people I didn't know whether or not I could trust. There were people I used to trust but didn't anymore, and there were people I don't trust that I used to. I knew some spells, and I knew when and how to use them. I knew I had no fighting power without an actual Fighter, but that my Fighter's power depended on me. Without Soubi around, and without knowing who my real Fighter was, I was all alone.
I wanted the truth. I wanted to know everything. Who I could trust completely and who I couldn't, who died in my brother's place and why my brother felt faking his death was necessary. I wanted to know who my brother was. I wanted to know who I was.
One day, I just might get all my answers. They say to never ask a question if you're afraid of what the answer may be. Never ask questions you know what the answer is but don't want to admit until someone else says it. To do so could only lead to more pain and heartbreak. But I don't care. I'm tired of being treated like a kid and being left in the dark. I want to know everything that I need to know, and even things I don't want to know. I'm afraid that Seimei lied, that he killed, that he stole, hurt, and betrayed the people closest to him. I'm afraid that he was the one who killed the boy whose corpse I stumbled upon in my desk at school two years ago. I'm afraid to know the answers to most of the questions plaguing my mind, but I know I can never move on if I don't understand the past. I want to know the past and all its secrets. If these were the things I was aware of not knowing, then what other things was I unaware of that were hidden from me?
Everyone seems to know something, but at the same time, no one is telling me anything. I don't like not knowing things when they have to do with me or Seimei. I thought I knew all there was to know about Seimei, but I suppose I was wrong all along. There's so much I don't know. About him, about me, about us, about our world…none of it was as I thought.
Ironic how I'm the one going to a therapist when everyone else around me seems to need help as well. Seimei should be here with me, as should Soubi and Kio and Akira, and Yoji and Natsuo, and Yuiko and Yayoi, Shinonome-sensei, Seven and Ritsu and Nagisa, Yamato and Koya, Seimei's fighter, my mother and father, my classmates, all the people Seimei's wronged or hurt, Mikado and Tokino, and Ai and Midori, and Gin and Kin, and Mimuro and Mei…everyone. We all have something we need to work out. And until we can all learn to live in this world together in peace, to live without secrets and hatred and pain…until then, none of us will ever be okay. My questions will forever remain unanswered, no matter how much I beg for answers, for reasons; anything.
I know what I want. I want the truth. I know I'll never get it, but still…it's a nice thought.