This story was penned, quick and dirty, for my LiveJournal pal Marena. Brainstorming credit goes, unsurprisingly, to the wife, with additional ideas culled from a Robot Chicken sketch, as well as Family Guy and King of the Hill, WITH LOVE. Someday, I will stop writing "five things" stories.
Summary: Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss. Rated PG-13.
Paternal Affairs
1.
Planning a siege on the Jedi Temple was far different than executing one; in spite of himself, Anakin, now Darth Vader, was glad he didn't have time to really think through the immediate task ahead.
The younglings were hiding (ineffectively) in the Archives. Taking out Madam Nu was easy enough, though she put up an admirable fight for someone her age. Two dozen heads turned to him, eyes wide. Anakin gulped.
"Master Skywalker!" a towheaded youth exclaimed. That was when Anakin realized how similar several of the younglings looked – to him, even.
"Daddy?" one of the females ventured. Anakin swore.
2.
Mace Windu was giving Master Yoda a sponge bath when there was a knock on the Council chambers door. "Come in," he grumped.
Plo Koon's arms were weighed down with a trio of small children. A tiny Togruta girl giggled at Yoda, who smiled at her indulgently. The other two, both human and light-haired, were much more somber. There was no denying their resemblance to Anakin.
"Fraternal twins. Their mother lives in the Orange District. They're Force-sensitive," Master Plo volunteered. He set the Togruta down. "Come, Ahsoka." She grasped his hand happily.
Yoda farted into his bath water. Windu sighed.
3.
"Those poor children," Obi-Wan whimpered. Flanked by Bail Organa and Yoda, the events of the day left him numb. "And what of Luke and Leia? How is it possible that Anakin fathered children without my knowing?" he exclaimed.
Yoda cleared his throat. "Have something to tell you, I do."
Twenty minutes later, Obi-Wan's head pounded. "Sixteen?" he croaked. "Living in the Crèche this whole time?" He glared at Yoda. "You didn't trust me?"
Yoda gurgled. "A gathering committee, there was. Had enough to worry about with one Skywalker, you did." He whacked Obi-Wan on the head. "From Qui-Gon, that was."
4.
The afterlife was cloudier than Anakin had expected. Able to change his appearance at will, he assumed the form of his pretty Knight self, and looked around for people he knew.
Eventually, he spotted Padme. He tried to kiss her, but she stomped on his foot. "Aren't you going to say hello to your family, Ani?" she said curtly. Suddenly, he was awash in children of various sizes.
"We're getting a divorce," Padme announced. On cue, Anakin felt a tap on his shoulder; Obi-Wan handed him a padded envelope, shrugging sheepishly. A half-human-half-Twi'lek boy wiped his nose on Anakin's sleeve.
5.
Anakin's first stop on leave was 500 Republica. Padme met him at the door in a face mask and lavender nightgown, both quickly shed.
Dimly, Padme thought they should have protection, but Anakin was out, and she had remembered to take her pill that morning, probably, maybe. "Don't worry, baby, I have a narrow urethra. Nothing will happen," Anakin promised, face nestled between her boobies. Padme decided to believe him because her vibrator was out of batteries.
When the test was positive, she chucked a shoe at Threepio's head and wished it was Anakin who toppled to the ground, cursing.