Just a midnight 1600 word rambling. Enjoy!
He dropped his keys in the bowl. For a moment the world felt right. Perfectly right. All around him was the familiar: the malnourished plant on the windowsill that refused to die, the forgotten calendar stuck on the wrong month, the worn sketchbooks piled on the rarely-used kitchen table, the various take-out menus pinned to the dartboard they stole from a bar during the early days. He smiled at the memories of his itchy fingers straightening messes as soon as they were made. Breathing in deep, he was overwhelmed by the familiarity of the scent hanging in the air. It snapped him out of his reverie and he continued on toward the soft music drifting from the studio.
It was always his favorite room in the apartment. On the brightest days, like this one, he would sit and read while his husband painted. The tattered wallpaper that Sebastian claimed aided in the ambience, the golden light filtering through the windows, the dust floating on the air – it all made him feel as though he were living in an old photograph. A silly notion Bas would often tease him about.
The smell of paint intensified with each step. For as long as he could remember, the smell of fresh paint would immediately bring to mind thoughts of Sebastian. He didn't think he could ever break the habit. He certainly never thought he might have to.
He stopped at the doorway, taking in the sight before him with a small, sad smile playing on his lips.
Sebastian swayed lightly, paintbrush in hand, moving in time with the music. He hummed softly as his hand pressed the brush to the canvas. Kurt watched him work, careful not to make his presence known. His heart had nearly stopped when Bas turned to smirk at him just to let him know it wasn't a secret. Sunlight washed over Sebastian's tanned face. The skin shifted over the tight muscles of his body in a way that forced Kurt to quickly avert his eyes. Somehow Sebastian managed to look even more smug before turning back to his work as a blush crept up Kurt's neck. Kurt cursed the hold Bas had over his body, though he had to bite his lip to keep from smiling.
Without shifting his gaze away from the canvas, Sebastian broke the silence between them.
"Take your jacket off. Stay awhile."
Kurt lifted himself off the doorframe and followed Sebastian's instructions. He finally stepped into the room, having to scold his feet to keep from fleeing. He'd seen it when he stood by the door, but for the first time it registered.
"It's back."
"Huh?"
Hearing no response, Sebastian turned to look at Kurt. He saw the man staring down at the mattress and box spring settled against the paint-splattered hardwood. A maroon colored sheet was lazily tossed across the otherwise barren bed.
"Have a seat."
Kurt started at the sound of Sebastian's smooth voice. He knew how much he missed hearing it, but he didn't realize how strongly he would react to having it back. Kurt let the jacket fall from his hands and sat down on the bed he no longer felt he had claim to. He let out a shaky breath as he caught Sebastian's eye. He could sense the tension and felt it rapidly increasing. Sebastian resumed working. The possibility that this may have been a mistake had never loomed so dangerously close overhead.
Kurt could feel the guilt creeping in from all sides. He could feel the fractured pieces of himself shifting beneath his surface. The pressure in his chest was growing and his breathing became erratic as he recalled the shouting match that brought them crashing down. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. He had run away as though he could escape from a life he spent years building. He'd been afraid. He's been foolish. His father was dying and it was all consuming… but he hadn't meant to pull away. To force Sebastian away. To say what he had said. Forgiveness was out of the question.
He felt the arms around him before he knew he was standing, felt the fingers stroking away his tears before he knew they had fallen. He clutched at the bare skin pressed against him. He felt a hand running through his hair in the way only that hand had ever been allowed. He closed his eyes as another hand rubbed its way along his spine. He inhaled the heady scent he knew as home. He looked up and saw the sharp green eyes he never wanted to break contact with again.
Sebastian's gaze flickered downward and Kurt knew what was coming as Bas moved forward, swallowing the whisper of his own name with a chaste, lingering kiss.
Kurt was afraid the fantasy would crumble if he opened his eyes. Hoping to prolong the feeling for as long as possible, he rested his head against the strong chest before him. The tears being wiped away slowly died down with the steadying rhythm of Sebastian's heartbeat.
"Stop torturing yourself. Please." Sebastian's voice was pained. Kurt knew he caused that hurt.
"I'm sorry." Sebastian knew Kurt was apologizing for things he'd already been forgiven. He cradled him tighter, shushing him softly. Music played on quietly while they held each other close, neither feeling the need to let go.
"Oh shit," Sebastian exclaimed louder than intended. Kurt looked up questioningly as Sebastian pulled away from him. "Um… I'm sorry."
Kurt tried miserably to hide his disappointment as Sebastian swept from the room. He was pulling on his jacket when Bas swept back in carrying a towel. Sebastian looked on confused by Kurt's actions.
"Where are you going?"
Kurt noticed the towel and raised his eyebrows in question. Then he realized he recognized the half-amused, half-guilty look on Sebastian's face. He rushed over to the mirror, seeing the orange paint drying in his hair. He shrieked and turned to glare at Sebastian. Trying not to laugh, Sebastian presented the towel as a peace offering.
"I really am sorry."
"Yeah, well, that doesn't make this any easier to fix," he snapped harshly, still focused on his hair.
"Ouch."
In the mirror Sebastian could see Kurt face fall as he misunderstood the teasing.
"No, baby. Relax." He snaked his arms around Kurt's waist, locking eyes with him in the mirror. "I was kidding." Kurt wanted to relax though his body remained tense. He continued insisting that he made everything difficult. Sebastian slid a hand beneath his shirt. "Shh." Kurt leaned into his husband's touch. Sebastian whispered promises that they would be fine.
Kurt turned in Sebastian's arms and hooked his own around Sebastian's neck. "I missed you," he admitted.
Sebastian replied with a gentle kiss.
"I missed you too."
He kissed Kurt again, this time without stopping. Kurt disappeared into the kiss. When he reemerged, the weight on his chest had lifted. He felt the fractures less and the healing more. Sebastian looked down into his eyes and Kurt could feel that he was starting to forgive himself.
Dusk took with it the golden rays of the sun, leaving the men in search of light. Sebastian led Kurt out of the studio and into the cluttered den. He flicked the light switch and pushed Kurt onto the couch intending to run off to the kitchen, grab some take-out menus, and cuddle with Kurt until he was ready to talk or until the food arrived. He hadn't expected Kurt to pull him down onto his lap and forgo the talking all together. Sebastian didn't mind. Talking could wait just a little longer.
Kurt fought back his guilt to pull Sebastian on top of him. He found it had all but disappeared with the smile he put on Sebastian's face. The smile sent a feeling of warmth tingling throughout his body in a way he was scared he'd never feel again. He finally released Sebastian when his own stomach growled. He grimaced at the sound, apologizing for the interruption.
"Will you stop apologizing?" Sebastian said as he resumed his original plan. He looked over the half wall separating the rooms. "Not a question by the way. Stop saying you're sorry."
Kurt looked around the room at Sebastian's messes and tried to remember wanting to clean up after him, wondering when he had given up his own rules and welcomed a new set of standards.
Still he stared at the corner putting together a plan to rid the place of Sebastian's hideous sandals. And the amount of laundry littering the floor simply must go, but for now it's okay.
"What's got you thinking so hard?" Sebastian asked, re-entering the room and throwing the phone down.
Kurt felt the familiarity overpowering his diminishing discomfort. "Bas?"
"Yeah babe?"
"Are you planning on putting pants on at any point today?" Sebastian barked out a laugh at the unexpected question. Kurt smiled at the sound.
"You know," Sebastian climbed over Kurt's lap, settling a leg on either side, "if you're uncomfortable… you could always just take your pants off. Make it even."
"Oh really now?"
"Mhmm." Sebastian nuzzled into Kurt's neck. His body stilled until he pulled Kurt into an almost painfully tight hug. "Don't ever leave me again," he whispered.
Kurt's heart broke a little at the desperation. "I won't."
In each other's arms the world felt right again. The "yours" and "mine" shifted back into the balanced world of ours. Kurt had never meant anything less than the careless words he tossed at an anguished Sebastian in a moment of unchecked anger; and he never meant anything more than the promise he made to keep it from happening again.