Author's Note: I have no idea who's still on this site, who still cares about AIW, or who's watching my account. NOOO idea. I just know I have a tentative fanfic I started and figured I'd post it here, even if I don't hear from anyone. Have a wonderful day!

The Passion of the Hot-Tub

A John Hoffman Spite-fic Written Lovingly by Yours Truly

"Hot, bubbling water on my-?
No, no, that's for a teabag, not me."
-John Hoffman

Part 1

Hare wasn't furious, but he was pretty irked that afternoon. Hatter hadn't answered his telephone all day and the front doors were locked. It wasn't that Hare didn't have a spare key, he just couldn't remember where it was because he never had to use it. Up until that day, Hatter had always taken a trusting approach with his neighbors and left his doors swinging in the breeze, even though he'd had the same intruder twice who knew all about his slapdash security habits. Said intruder was the Glad Hatter, but luckily he was locked up now. Something to do with breaking and entering for a copy of someone's novel he thought would pass as a convincing autobiography. Hare wondered when that guy would ever learn.

But there he was: slouching at the patio table in front of his house, munching on a stick of celery, and feeling utterly useless, despite the fact that he had told himself many times over not to depend so much on that crazy hat-clad man, with his ridiculously beautiful face and playful antics. During their better days, he admitted with a slight giggle that he was a clingy best friend, but on days like this, no admittance was more pathetic.

After a particularly long and thoughtful chew, he swallowed and started grumbling to himself.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe he went to the palace…"

Out of nowhere, a pair of eyes were staring at him from the other end of the table. Gradually, purple fur and quite a number of smile lines also appeared. "I'm right here, honeh' bunneh'." At first, Hare looked surprised, but he drew in his lips and crossed his arms tightly together.

"Where did you hear that?"

"What, I don't even get a 'hello'?"

"Well you never said 'hello' to me!" Hare leaned over the table as he answered but recoiled when he realized he was coming off testy. "And you also didn't answer my question." The Cat cocked an eyebrow, amused that he'd made a worthwhile observation, but then he paused, wondering how to word it with only the slightest innuendo.

"I heard it from your… buddy." Hare scrunched up his eyebrows, but it wasn't long before he was wistfully watching the entrance to the forest.

"…Have you seen him anywhere? He's been ignoring me all day."

"Mmm… nnnope, can't say that I have. But I've been far too busy anyway. It was only ten minutes ago that I finally conquered a ball of yarn."

Even though the Cheshire Cat was usually annoying as fuck (and had been only a few seconds ago), Hare found sentiment in his arrival on such a lonely day. "So you thought to visit me first?" He asked with some type of sparkle in his eye. The corner of the Cat's mouth dropped.

"I… I guess. Don't count on it happening all the time."

Hare looked irked for half a second, but it began to seem he hadn't actually heard a word before he straightened his posture and flapped his hands, shouting to the air: "I mean he didn't even call me!" The Cat was already getting tired of being there, but Hare continued. "I thought if he were up to something, he'd let me know so I could get on with my life, but he never just disappears like this."

"Why don't you just hang around the tea table until he gets back?" The Cat asked, stretching himself sideways with a paw propping up his cheek. "Doesn't he have to have a tea party about now... or something?" Hare gasped.

"You're right! Hatter should be coming back for tea! I don't know why I didn't think of it – you can't stop a tea party no matter how busy you are!"

"Yep. Well, I think I'll bother someone else..."

Just as the Cat disappeared, Hare had shot out of his chair.

Four'o'clock – the time of Hatter's tea parties, no exceptions – was fast approaching, and it was Hare's intent to show up at his door and tell him what a negligent friend he'd been. He was going to lay it on thick to that jerk, and tease him with suggestions that if he earned his forgiveness, he could expect a reward. Before he left, he checked himself in the mirror.

When he reached 1602 Teapot Terrace, day-old cups and saucers and an array of empty chairs were sitting out under the sun, but Hare laid a smug and satisfied gaze on Hatter's door, which was slightly ajar. He passed the table and entered the house, which was suspiciously silent, but Hatter left another mark of his presence in the kitchen, where a bag of bread was lying on the counter... without a twisty. Hare shook his head. "He's gotta be upstairs," he told himself, and up the stairs he ventured, figuring Hatter was up there having a snack, dancing with that dummy, or something of equal pointlessness compared to hanging with his best friend which would make catching him an all the more guilty affair. Hare reached the attic and went "AHA" before it was even clear to him what he was seeing. Once it was, his jaw dropped.

At the center of the attic was a questionable machine spreading its wires across the floor like tree roots. The roots of a Christmas tree, Hare thought, as most of its front was littered with lights, and at the top was a tank that looked remarkably like the incubator they had once used to raise chickens, now harboring a brilliant, glowing star. Just as he would be on a Christmas morning, Hatter was hovering around with insuppressible excitement with a grin as wide as the Cheshire Cat's spread across what was visible of his face below a ginorous pair of goggles. When he realized Hare's arrival, he reacted accordingly:

"Hare! Stay where you are; this is dangerous!"

Hare obeyed, but he sputtered as his whole mind was swept with an intense mixture of giddiness and disappointment. "But-but-… but I'm your assistant," escaped his lips. Hatter frowned at him but had to hurry for the power outlet, where he shut off the thing entirely and submerged the two in darkness.

Hare, who was still clinging to the banister, asked with a tremble of excitement, "what are you doing?!"

"Hare, you're never going to believe this," Hatter's voice answered, "but I've just harnessed star power!"

Hare fumbled with his words again.

"Or maybe 'steller power' is what it's called. Listen, I know we didn't talk about it, but it happened so suddenly! I found another fallen star, and... didn't have the heart to throw it back. Then, what do you know, Bingo's Electrical Accessories was having a 12 hour sale and, and… I was overcome by a strange force. It was like life laid at my fingertips. Like the star was my child in waiting! It was like my father would've wanted me to complete his work-"

"-What?"

"Actually, I'm not sure. I'm hoping my theatrics will get me off the hook and you'll be too amazed to care that I forgot about you."

A silence remained, so Hatter turned on the lights. Hare was frowning most deeply and Hatter could think to do nothing else but hurry to him and clasp his shoulders. "Hare, I'm sorry. Will you help me now? I think I'm over my head, here!"

Hare pouted a little before answering. "Well that tends to happen when you don't have an assistant."

Hatter dropped his hands and trailed "I get the point. Jesus," while heading for the machine again. He waved his hand across three obvious levers. "I'll show you how it works," he said. Hare forgot that he was mad and took a deep anticipating breath. "This lever turns it on," he began. "The second very carefully subjects the wire to the heat of the star. And I'm talking ridiculously high levels of heat, Hare. There are a million nuclear reactions happening inside the star every second." Hare's eyes widened. "Now, luckily, this star came from far, far, away, but this keeps the heat from incinerating Earth. It's too small. It's a star that contains itself. It has won't-power, if you will."

"Okay, and, and... what do you plan to use it for?" Hare queried, rubbing his hands together.

"Well, I don't know yet. I was thinking of trying it out on that Easy Bake oven we bought, about two summers ago?"

"It doesn't work anymore?" Hare suddenly looked disappointed.

"'Fraid not. But anyway, that's not the point – I can't use it for stuff like that. The power of the star is too fantastic! As soon as I turn the third lever, it will send enough energy into the machine of your choice to blow up Mount Wondermore. It's like an invisible, gaseous hamster, running in a wheel for seven centuries, but that time is condensed into a millisecond." Hare looked like he was going to melt into a puddle of awe. Upon seeing his dear bunny's reaction, Hatter was overcome by a glorious realization of his own genius. "It's amazing, isn't it?!" And tears were already in his eyes.

Hare curled up his fingers and brought his hand to his mouth as he looked down to his path and carefully stepped in between the wires. He reached Hatter and scrunched his shoulders.

"Hatter, if you're the first person to discover this technology, you could be famous!" Hatter blinked. "I mean, they would surely give you a Nobel Peace Prize, o-o-or a million wobucks! Or something!"

"A million wobucks, huh? Ahehehh, well that's a possibility." Hatter looked off in space.

"Well, you could always become famous and rich tomorrow – let's go find something to use it on!" Hare gestured animatedly towards the stairs, and Hatter tried to seem on board, but the wheels were a'turning.

"How about you go get on that, and I'm gonna go make a telephone call, alright?"

"I'll wait for you!"

"No, you shouldn't. It's going to take a while."

The following day, the pair were riding their bikes down a particularly long road past an entrance gate. Hatter had given his name to a receptionist through the intercom, and they had since been going along in silence. The only sound besides the wind and the birds was a subtle thumping that issued from a box in the basket of Hatter's bike.

They had barely talked since the past afternoon, and it came as a surprise to Hare that he was invited to witness this "great moment", or so Hatter suspected it to be. He was welcome to stay at the house – which was an improvement, of course – but Hatter had been cooped up in the attic making very important phone calls all up until he flopped into bed and went straight to snoring. Hare had to turn the lights out in the attic, until the only thing to be seen was the star a'glow on top the bizarre contraption Hatter had crafted. With that in mind, he went home feeling cheated out of a perfectly good adventure. "Hatter, are you sure you want to do this?" Hare finally asked.

"Of course I am. It was your idea, anyway! We might make a lot of money off of this!" He answered, seeming a bit irked by the question but trying nonetheless to enjoy the sunshine.

"It's just, I... I thought about it, and it feels like I hardly got to spend any... any quality time with the star."

"Trust me, it's not interested in you or anybody else," Hatter answered again, causing Hare's brow to crinkle up quite suddenly.

"What in the world does that mean?"

"This thing was hopping out of the tank and jumping under my covers," he said, swishing his hand at the box. "It was like a dog that thought there was a ghost in the house. I had to smack it off me all night!"

"So what, it's alive now?" Hare wondered as he steered his bike a few feet farther from Hatter's.

"Well in my small experience with stars, I think it's attracted to me. It might even be the same star as last time! And in that case, it really wants me to be Spectacularma-" Suddenly, Hatter's sentence turned into incoherent utterances, as though he had forgotten what he was saying. "Ahhh, well, well, well, I mean, one time I saw a star in the sky. That's all I meant. Hey look, we finally made it! Race ya to the bike rack!"

Hatter didn't even wait for a sign that Hare was ready before he flew off down the rest of the road with one hand to keep his hat was whipping right off his head. Hare didn't seem quite so confused suddenly, but he was quick to pursue the swish of purple that had cheated him out of a fair game. Hatter slid under the shade, pressing his shoes to the concrete until his bike came to a smooth stop right in front of the rack. Even as his partner rolled in next to him, he was too busy "whooping" obliviously to himself. "Let's get this star insiiiide, let's get this star, alllrightttt~" He went on as he took the box towards the automatic doors. Hare's shoulders slumped, and with a sigh he gazed up at the Wonderland Alternative Energy sign above their heads.

They crossed a vast lobby with not a single window and extremely retro looking carpet (I mean more retro than usual.) Hare couldn't help but stare at the geometric shapes in his path while Hatter lead them about in random directions. "So I guess it's pretty simple: I'm dropping off the star and getting a paycheck. Seems legit." He spotted a woman with poofy hair that gave her head the appearance of a giant chestnut, sitting at a desk and filing her nails. She muttered the lyrics to the song coming through the lobby speakers before Hatter dropped the box on the counter and rang the bell ten times in a row. "Hi there! I'm the Mad Hatter. I've got that star to drop off?" The woman caught sight of the thumping coming from inside the box and jumped off of her chair.

"You put a star inside of a cardboard box?" She asked with her eyes bulged. Hatter gestured with his hand something to the effect of "yeah so?" Hare was just as numb-skulled as his partner and stood by his side in an equal state of apathy. "You know stars are radioactive, right?"

Hatter and Hare looked to each other and darted their eyes around.

"Okay, I'm going to call in some professionals," she said, frowning at them while her hand reached blindly for the telephone. While she was busy, Hare's hands crept up and fidgeted with Hatter's sleeve, but in no time, two workers in full-body suits came through a set of double doors that seemed to open around them by their own accord. Mist trailed in their path, and Hatter became rather curious what it was down the hall from which they had emerged. The receptionist had evidently notified them about the state of his arrival, because all they did was rush past him and take the box before it inched off of the counter-top.

"Mr. Hatter, we gave you specific instructions how to bring the star to the facility." All Hatter could do was laugh humorlessly as Hare's hands tightened around his arm.

"H-Hey, I think I know my own star!"

"No offense, but we've worked with hundreds of stars. We're not liable if you get cancer, okay?" The both of them turned away and disappeared through the doors, and Hare's gaze lingered as if they had just given their child up for adoption. Hatter looked equally disappointed for a second, but then he remembered he was getting paid. He turned to the receptionist.

"So, I understand if it's too much money to give me in person, so I set up a super duper-" he started, but she signed and slapped a check in front of him.

"There you are. 10,000 wobucks."

Hatter darted his eyes around as his gloved fingers landed tentatively on the check. "What is this, like a down payment?"

"Sir, I'm going to explain this to you the same way it was explained last night when you called before closing and kept our Stellar Department thirty minutes overtime: we have dealt with fallen stars before, and you did not discover stellar power. We appreciate your contribution and we're giving you a very generous compensation." By then she had gone back to filing her nails, but Hatter sputtered as though there had been a misunderstanding. He dug into his pocket for a folded paper and waved it over the counter.

"Well you'll at least be needing this. It's the blue-prints for my machine!"

"I don't know what you concocted at home, but if it's made of cardboard, we're certainly not interested. Have a nice day!" She smiled in the direction of her computer screen while swatting her hand. All at once, Hatter's face squished up like a raisin in outrage. He made a very dramatic gesture out of swooping up the check, and with his other hand he scooped up Hare and urged him away.

"Come on, Hare!" He ordered, and while Hare would not have usually cooperated by such force, he had rarely seen Hatter's bubble popped and was beside himself in bafflement.

Long bike-rides on a breezy Spring day could tame Hatter's temper; he even grew to accept to himself on their way home that 10,000 wobucks was a lot of money!, money he hadn't dreamed of having all at once. However, Hare had gone suspiciously silent. At first he thought Hare was giving him some space to vent about the whole ordeal, but then it came to look as if it was Hare who wanted space, from him!

"Sorry for grabbing you like that," he tried, but Hare just shrugged. "Some jerks they were, right?!"

"Heh," Hare answered, forcing a micro-smile.

They were passing a wall of trees along the roadside. Hatter knew that just a few miles down the path there was a superb Tea & Crumpet store where he could imagine indulging himself. He even had a stretchy rope tied to each side of his basket to contain a stack of tea boxes and crumpet tins. In thought, he had failed to realize he had slowed considerably and Hare was ahead of him, so he pumped his peddles until they were side by side again.

"Say, how should we spend this money?"

"I don't know. It's yours."

"Heheheh... Heh... Heh..." Hatter continued to laugh to himself, aware there was something awkward about this conversation but helplessly oblivious to details. "Well, you are my assistant. And Lord knows I need one for my finances, if nothing else."

"Well I won't make a very good assistant if you keep things from me."

"Wh-igh... What do you mean?" Hare took the time to glance at Hatter, and Hatter could sense many thoughts unknown to him that Hare was not sure how to articulate. It had been several months since a truly awe-inspiring, lion-hearted, boxer-short wearing superhero had graced Wonderland and then "gone off to other lands" without much explanation. Although he had the voice of Kermit the Frog and a six-pack to out-pack Hatter a million times over, something had always been familiar about him. The only thing that had ever really cleared away his suspicions was that he had no knowledge of fallen stars finding their way to Hatter's lap.

All during this ride back, even, he had been looking to the sky, wondering what it could possibly mean, or if some other purpose could have been made out of the star. He gripped his handles even tighter and stuttered out his answer.

"W-w-well it wouldn't have killed you to tell me you were a superhero, I DON'T KNOW." Hatter's jaw dropped. He was sure he had kept this a secret from everybody and evaded actual admittance, because he was just that stupid. But it hit him like a ton of bricks, anyway.

"Oh God."

"I mean I pretty much suspected it was you. Don't you think I know my Hatter?"

"Hare, it-it-it barely happened for a day! I knew I'd never hear the last of it if everybody knew I gave it up."

"Nobody had to know except me!" Hare shouted, and for the next ten minutes they argued about it, oblivious to joggers and other passersby.

"Look, I'm sorry," Hatter said, glancing over his shoulder. They had passed up the tea store, and he was not so good at making it up to people, but he remembered the check. "Hey listen, I really want you to help me spend this. We'll get something fantastic for both of us!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! Something we've always wanted!" Hare sighed. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but the prospect of having whatever struck their fancy made his heart race.

"Well okay!"

"Yayyy!"

And so they laughed all the way to the Wonderland Mall.