Taylor Werfel
AN ANGEL LOST
I ran up to Nick Amaro, whose face didn't seem very promising. I reached him and immediately started to back away. I shook my head and kept repeating "no." Nick slowly walked up to me and tried to grab my arms. I tried to push him aside, but he grabbed my forearms and held me to him. I broke down and started to cry into Nick's shoulder. Nick closed his eyes and rubbed my back. There was no way he could understand what I was going through right now. All our co-workers; John Munch, Fin Tutuola, Captain Cragen, Casey Novak, and Alex Cabot all stood by, looking sorrowful. I could feel their eyes on me. Amanda Rollins and Nick were the only ones not knowing what to do. I didn't want any of them. The only person I wanted was nowhere to be found. There I stood, in the middle of the station, crying into my partner's shoulder and clinging onto him for dear life.
Earlier in the day
I took my daughter's hand and walked into the station. My daughter quickly spotted my partner, Nick, and ran up to him. I smiled as my daughter ran herself into Nick's legs, wrapping her little arms around them.
"Uncle Nick, look I make you picture!" Ashley said, holding up a piece of paper full of uncooked macaroni and glue. Nick smiled and took the paper. "You like it?"
"Oh yes, it's beautiful." I walked by and sat down across from them. Nick picked up Ashley and put her on his lap. She spun around so she was facing me. "I'm getting nervous, Olivia. We haven't been busy lately." I just shrugged.
"Hey, the less crimes there are, then the less work we have to do."
"And the less money we get paid," Nick said with a laugh. I laughed too. Around lunch time, Ashley started to get annoyed.
"Mommy, I hungry!" I smiled and motioned for her to come to me. Ashley hopped off Nick's desk and walked over. I pulled out a Nutri-grain bar and gave it to her.
"Here, this will hold you over for at least an hour."
"I want lunch!" I put my pen down and glared down at her.
"I told you I would be busy today. You had a choice and you came here. Now, either go see Grandpa, or stop your complaining." I said sternly. Ashley shrunk down and went into my dad's office. I sighed and picked my pen up again and began to finish my paperwork. Nick looked up. "I told her it would be busy today," I muttered. Nick got up and came over to me. I looked up. "What?" Nick held out his hand.
"Come on, you need to cool down. I'm taking you out to lunch."
"As much as I know you're right, I need to finish this paperwork." Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my chair.
"I didn't say it was up for debate," He said with a smile. "Okay, I'll tell Captain, get Ashley, and then we can go." I nodded. Nick told my dad and came back out with Ashley. "Come on, girls, let's go get some lunch." The three of us went out for hot dogs at a stand. Nick put Ashley down next to him and helped me.
"Ashley, what to do you want on your hot dog?" No answer. "Ashley what do you-" I trailed off when I saw Ashley wasn't next to Nick. "Ashley!" I started to freak out. "ASHLEY! Nick, she's gone! My daughter's gone!" Nick grabbed my arms and pulled me to him.
"It's okay, listen to me. Go back to the station and I'll find her. I promise. You need to calm down before even thinking of helping." I nodded and got in the cab. When I got back to the station, Fin was waiting for me. Nick must have called him and told him what happened. He engulfed me in a hug.
"What if I never see her again, Fin?"
"You can't think like that. She'll be fine." Hours passed and still no sign. Around six, the phone rang.
"Hello?" I answered in frantic voice.
"Liv, I found her." He said with a hint of sadness in his voice.
"Oh, thank God! Where is she?"
"She's in the hospital. You stay there until I hear any news."
"No, Nick, she's my daughter I'm coming down there."
"No, please Olivia, just stay there and I'll call you when I hear something."
"Okay, Nick. Please, tell me she'll be fine."
"I hope so Olivia, I really do." An hour passed and Nick finally walked into the station. I ran up to Nick whose face didn't seem very promising. I reached him and immediately started to back away. I shook my head and kept repeating "No!" Nick slowly walked up to me and tried to grab my arm. I tried to push him aside, but he grabbed my forearms and held me to him. I broke down and started to cry into Nick's shoulder. Nick closed his eyes and rubbed my back. There was no way he could understand what I was going through right now. John, Fin, Cragen, Casey, and Alex all stood by, looking sorrowful. Amanda and Nick were the only ones not knowing what to do. I didn't want any of them. The only one I wanted was nowhere to be found. There I stood, in the middle of the station crying into my partner's shoulder and clinging onto him for dear life.
"She's not dead, Nick! She can't be! She's only three!" I cried loudly.
"The girl fits her description to the letter. Even the scar on her back from climbing that tree in the backyard." I clung to him tighter. I felt my legs started to give out. I fell to the floor with Nick holding me tight.
"No, my little girl. No, please, God, no! NO!" Nick held my head to his chest. I felt tears from his eyes fall on my head. Ashley was always more than his "niece." He was in some ways; he was her father. She had called him "Daddy" on more than one occasion. I felt him look down at me, I was still crying and didn't feel like stopping any time soon. Could anyone really blame me? I just lost my daughter. My one pride and joy. The only child I ever had. I felt myself being lifted. I knew he was carrying me upstairs so I wouldn't make a fool of myself. We sat down with me in his lap and felt his hand smooth my hair.
"I'm so very sorry, Livvie. She was gone before I even got to the hospital. I didn't have the heart to tell you over the phone. I never should have put her down. I'm sorry this is my entire fault." He said to me. I knew it wasn't his fault, but I just couldn't find my voice to tell him otherwise. After a while, I woke up and realized Nick had put me on the small couch in the lounge. I got up and went downstairs. There, I was saw the one person I thought I would never see again. Elliot Stabler, my daughter's father.
"No, that has to be a mistake. Ashley's only three, she can't be dead!" Elliot yelled at Nick.
"It's true El." I said walking over. "She's dead, El. My daughter's gone." I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him. His arms automatically went around me.
"Liv, I… I'm so…" He had no words. Both of us were sure this was as bad as it could get.
They say it will only get worse before it gets better. Elliot and I wondered when the hell it would get better when it was already as bad as it could possibly get. We watched the small coffin being lowered into the ground. He held me against him as we watched my only child being buried. I knew he felt terrible about leaving; he didn't see her grow up, and couldn't protect her from the evils of the world. I pushed off of him and he let me go, knowing if he didn't he would get hurt… physically. Nick must have seen me heading off. He came after me and rubbed my back.
"It'll get better, Olivia."
"It's not your fault you, know. How were you supposed to know she would run off? She was three years old, Nick; she didn't get a chance to live her life. I love her and miss her so much." I fell to my knees in body racking sobs. Nick knelt down next to me and hugged me. I turned and hugged him, curling my fingers around his shirt collar.
"Come on; let's get you out of here." Nick led me to his car and brought me to the one place he knew I always felt safe and whole at the station. He unlocked the door and we walked inside. I went over to my desk and looked at the last place I had seen my daughter alive.
"I yelled at her."
"What?"
"The last thing my daughter heard from me was me yelling at her. I never got to tell her I'm sorry; I never to tell her how much I love her."
"Liv, listen to me! Ashley knew how much you loved her. There was never a time that she had to think if you did. No one loves that little girl as much as you do. She knows you're sorry for yelling at her. She knows that you love her."
"I just miss her so much, Nick. She was my little miracle. The doctor said to take that pregnancy carefully. She was my last chance to be a mom. These last three years of my life have been the absolute best of my life." Nick smiled.
"You know you always have Zara if Auntie Livvie ever needs to be a mom." I actually smiled and hugged him.
As the months past, I slowly, ever so slowly, started getting better on the outside. No one knew what was really going on inside of me. Inside, my heart reached out for my daughter that would never wake up again; would never run into the kitchen begging for breakfast as I made it; never make another picture; never wrap her arms around my legs when I picked her up from a friend's house; never live to see her fourth birthday; never see kindergarten, and never see how much her mom loves her. I knew Nick watched me as I flew though my work and then suddenly stopped. I held up a paper and I knew Nick could see it was a picture Ashley made. Nick grabbed the tape and took the picture. He taped it to my desk and smiled at me.
"Now you don't have to worry about losing it." I gave him a smile. He grabbed the macaroni picture Ashley had made and taped it to his desk. "Now we both have a piece of her to keep forever." I only nodded. After a while of working, Nick asked if I would want to go over after work, he didn't feel that I should be alone for so long. I tried to stay in control of my emotions. It wasn't that I didn't like the fact that Nick had his daughter, Zara; it was just that I felt jealous that he still had his pride and joy. I agreed anyway just because it was true, I didn't want to be alone. I looked up at him and smiled.
"You know what's funny, Nick?"
"I can honestly say I don't."
"When you told me that Ashley was gone, all I wanted was Elliot's arms around me. I did have that for a short while, but in the long run, it was you that came to my rescue. The funniest part of all that is, you don't even care for me that much."
"That's not true Liv; I care for you a lot more than you think. Just because I've been "the new guy" for while doesn't mean I don't know when my partner's hurting. Remember when you told the squad you were pregnant, you may not have noticed but when we were on the field, I watched more than just your back, I watched your front, I watched your baby."
"I do remember one time when you basically held me against you when we were in that hostage situation when I was three months along. You held me behind you so that if they shot, the bullet would hit you instead of me. Why would you do that? You have a daughter and wife to go home to. I literally don't have anyone, now."
"Olivia, first of all, Maria and I got divorced. After that little blow up in here and then finding out I had followed her, she didn't want to deal with it anymore. She signed the papers and left. Now it's just me and Zara. Second of all, don't ever say that no one cares for you. This whole squad does. Fin treats you like his sister, John treats you like a niece, and don't ever say your father doesn't care. You might actually cause him to have a heart attack and kill him if he hears you say that. This is our family, Olivia. As for why I did what did, I promised you that nothing was happening to that little miracle. I intended to keep my promise." I got out of my seat and went over to hug him. I gently kissed his cheek.
"Thank you, Nick. Ashley was right; it did make sense if you were her dad." I could have sworn I felt his heart stop for a split second and him tense up.
"She said that?" I heard him barely get out.
"Yeah, she was actually kind of funny about it." I pulled away and sat on his desk. "She looked me straight in the eye, with her hands on her hips, giving me that 'Badass Benson' look, and said 'Mommy, Uncle Nick needs to be my daddy. I mean, it only make sense.'" Nick and I both burst in laughter. Neither of us could believe that sweet little three year old Ashley had said that.
"This is good, you're thinking of the good times with her." Fin said gently who had been listening.
"They were all good, Fin. I can't think of one thing she ever did that we couldn't make a good memory out of."
"You mean like the time she got smoothie all over my kitchen?" Nick asked.
"Yeah, your kitchen smelled like strawberries and bananas for three weeks! I'm sure there's still some of that left on your ceiling!"
"Now because you said that, I'm going to be looking for it." I smiled and went back to my desk. "You know, it's almost lunch time. Feel like facing the world?" I nodded and grabbed my jacket. We walked out and were halfway down the block when we heard a woman scream. We immediately switched into detective mode and ran towards the woman.
"Jamie! Jamie, sweetie, where are you?"
"Ma'am, are you alright?" Nick asked.
"Someone took my daughter. My daughter was right here and now she's gone." Nick and I looked around. He tapped me on the shoulder and we both saw a shadow go into an alley. We ran over and saw a man and a small child.
"POLICE! DON'T MOVE!" We yelled with guns raised. The man raised his arms and we ran over. Nick cuffed the man and I went over to the girl.
"Hi sweetie, it's okay. You're safe now." The little girl looked up at me and I could have sworn I was looking at Ashley except with green eyes. "Sweetie, what's your name?"
"Jamie."
"Okay, come on Jamie. I'm going to bring you back to your mommy." I picked up the little girl and carried her out of the alley. Jamie's mother was waiting for her.
"JAMIE! Oh, sweetheart, thank goodness you're safe! Thank you so much, detective!" I just nodded. Nick called for back up to come and get the man. After getting my thoughts together, I let Nick put me in a car to go back to the station. He and I interrogated the man.
"So, why did you take Jamie?" I asked sitting on the table.
"So I could get caught, and serve my time for the crimes I've committed." The man said truthfully. I looked over at Nick.
"What crimes have you committed?" Nick asked with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Kidnapping and murder. A couple of months ago, I kidnapped this little girl no more than three and handed her over to his guy."
"What guy?" I asked furious. So this was the scum that murdered my baby girl.
"I don't know. Some prison guard… Henry?"
"Harris?"
"Yeah, that's it! He said he would pay me big money to bring him the girl. I had no idea he was going to kill her! I thought he was just going to scare her. He scared her all right, with a knife going across her skin. She was crying and begging him to stop and crying for her mom. I wanted to grab her and bring her back. Harris told me to watch her and when he left, I grabbed her but she was so limp. I checked for a pulse and didn't find one. I ran out of that place and to the hospital. I saw you coming, Detective Amaro, and was going to go up to you and confess but then I saw you punch the wall and I just wasn't ready to die at that moment. Right now, I don't care what happens to me. The guilt has been eating me alive. Detective Benson, I know that no matter what I say will not bring your daughter back, but I just wanted you to know that I am so truly sorry for what I've done. No words can express how sorry I really am."
"Yeah, so am I." I stormed out of the room and collapsed as soon as the door was closed. I tried to stop crying, but that's easier said than done. Dad knelt down to me. "He said he was sorry. Sorry isn't going to bring my daughter back! Nothing is ever going to bring her back!"
"I know, Olivia. I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, but I know it's going to take time." He said rubbing my back. I took a deep breath and stood up. I looked over at Alex who hadn't turned her vision away from the two-way mirror.
"I can charge him with kidnapping and accessory to murder. He'll probably get three to six months at the most, with a good lawyer."
"I can't believe this. This… this… thing kidnaps my daughter, watches her get murdered, and gets three months in prison?! I thought you were an ADA, Alex! ADAs don't go soft; especially when it's their best friend's case!" I stormed off. I didn't mean any of what I said, but I know it still hurt her. I went up to the roof and looked over. I heard footsteps and knew it was Nick. He stopped when he saw me. I had my hands braced on the rail and was leaning over.
"Olivia. Olivia, come here."
"No, Nick! I'm so sick and tired of being told what to do. I can't take this anymore!" I yelled.
"Olivia, don't do this, please! Think of Ashley; would she want you to do this?" I let a fake laugh escape my throat.
"Ashley," I said barely over a whisper. "You mean my daughter that's dead because of me? I couldn't protect her, Nick. This is proof that I wasn't meant to be a mother."
"Liv, Ashley loved you. I saw you with her. You were a great mother to her. No one's perfect; we all make mistakes. I know I've made my share with Zara. It's part of being a parent."
"You didn't kill Zara!"
"And you didn't kill Ashley! That prick Harris did!"
"He couldn't get to me so he went after my daughter. She was kidnapped and killed because of my enemies." I climbed up on the ledge.
"Olivia, NO! Come on, get down from there please. Olivia, please don't make me tackle you down!"
"Nick, you've been a great partner."
"Stop!"
"You're a great dad to Sara and I wish you were Ashley's father."
"Olivia, stop!" I heard him move closer.
"Tell my dad I love him; tell Fin and John they're the best friends I could ever have; tell Alex and Casey they're the best girlfriends I've ever had and to go for it, they'll know what you mean; tell Amanda that if she doesn't go after Joe, I'll haunt her; tell yourself that you've been great and I love you." I went to fall over and Nick grabbed me around the waist and pulled me down. We fell with him on top of me. He had tears in his eyes and down his cheeks.
"Are you crazy, Olivia?! What were you thinking?"
"I want to be with my daughter, Nick!" I said, crying again.
"Olivia, please don't scare me like that! Don't ever try something that stupid again!" We got up and I hugged him.
"I'm sorry. I just miss her so much. I mean it, Nick; I would give anything to have her back in my arms." Nick rubbed my back.
"I know, Olivia. Me too, me too." He led me back down stairs. Neither of us mentioned what happened up there. He grabbed my jacket and helped me into it. He made me sit at my desk. "Stay put. I'm going to tell your father that I'm taking you home," He demanded and walked off. My eyes glanced to the side and the scumbag sitting in a cell. Not even two minutes later, Nick was back and getting his jacket on. "Come on, Olivia." As we drove, we passed a daycare.
"He tried to warn me," I said to no one really.
"Who?" Nick asked never taking his eyes off the road.
"Elliot. He tried to warn me to never bring her to the station. He tried to warn me that she would get hurt. Look: he was right." I said. I heard Nick sigh quietly. Somehow I knew, he knew it would be a while before I stopped blaming myself. My phone rang and I looked at the caller I.D. I huffed and stuffed my phone back in my pocket.
"Who is it?" Nick asked.
"Elliot. The funny thing is, he knocked me up then left. Now, my daughter is gone and he wants to talk to me. I'm not anyone's second choice." We parked the car and got out. We went inside and into the kitchen.
"So, how have you really been?" I looked down at my hands, finding my blue nail polish suddenly very interesting. "Olivia, it's only us. Tell me." I exhaled a shaky breath.
"Terrible. I haven't set foot in her room since her death. I couldn't even go near it. I had to have Fin come over and lock the door. I can't go near it without bursting into tears. I've been sleeping on my couch because I need to pass her room to get to mine." Nick looked at me.
"Listen, why don't you go and get some in my bed. Dinner's going to be a while and I still have to go pick up Zara. Go take a nap and I'll go get her." I nodded and went into his room. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. My dreams were less than horrible, but still bad. It must have been a really bad one, because I woke up to Nick shaking me and screaming my name. I bolted upright. "You okay?"
"Yeah, it wasn't horrible, but it was bad. I keep seeing her running away from a dark shadow. I mean, I know now that it's Harris, but I keep seeing the shadow."
"Hey, after the trial, hopefully you won't see anyone chasing her. Do you want to talk about the nightmares?" Nick suggested kindly.
"I guess it couldn't hurt… I'm watching as she runs away and screams for me. I try to move but invisible restraints are holding me back. I start screaming, I scream for her. I hear her voice. She's screaming in pain and for me. I struggle and struggle, but I can't get to her. Then the dark shadow appears in front of me and he always says the same thing; 'I got her.' I usually wake up after that." I waited for Nick to say something. He looked into my eyes and then I saw it. The fear, the guilt, every emotion he's been feeling since this happened. He pulled me into a hug. For the first time since this, my eyes… were dry.
The day after Harris was found guilty, was the hardest day of my life. Nick wanted me to at least start conquering my fear of Ashley's room. We stood outside of it for at least an hour.
"Whenever you're ready You keep the pace here." He's said that about three times. I nodded again and took a deep breath.
"Okay, I'm ready." He unlocked the door but didn't open it. I ran my hand over her name. I traced the multi-colored letters spelling her name with my finger. I remember when I bought that for her: the day I knew I was pregnant with a girl. I grasped the door knob in my hand and held my breath as I opened the door. I could feel the tears creeping into my eyes. I looked around and went over to the window she used to always look out. I opened it and turned to Nick. I smiled at him; a real smile. He smiled back and came over to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist in a comforting matter. I inhaled a deep breath. My eyes were to the stuffed bear I got her when she was born. We stood just like that for a while. I leaned against him and closed my eyes, just letting all the memories of her surround me. I tightened my grip on Nick's arms as the best ones came through. My mind was overflowing with memoires, my eyes overflowing with tears. I opened them and wiped the tears away. I forced myself to stop crying.
"I love you so much, baby girl." I said looking up.
~Up in heaven~
"I love you too Mama."
I heard her.