Fire – colors – red capes with flashes of gold – green grass on blue sky – knights marching, horses galloping, no idea what was ahead –
His father standing at the front of the court – yelling at him saying he was a disappoint and no no no he wasn't good enough Arthur would never be good enough for him – the one glimpse he had of his mother, slight and blonde-haired and loving –
Guinevere, with her kind smile and words of unexpected wisdom – Leon and Gwaine and Percival and Elyan and Lancelot, loyal until the end – other friends, here and there, there were so, so many lives that he touched –
Lives he could have saved, mistakes he made, sins he committed, everything was his fault, he wasn't strong enough, he would never be strong enough –
Morgana and Mordred and Agravaine, so many mistakes, so many relationships that Arthur ruined, that someone ruined for him, people that he loved, he could have saved them, if only he had realized, if only he hadn't been so blind –
Merlin, always there, steadfast presence and friendship, god, Arthur loved him, he was always there, always, he would never leave, he would never abandon Arthur never do any wrong, he was good, oh so good, the purest form of goodness that Arthur knew –
But he wasn't, he was better, he was Arthur's protector, always there, but with that hidden secret, the pain, the tears, when Arthur learned of it, but in the end he learned, he knew that everything Merlin had done was out of love, and it was love for him –
And the sword in his side, the pain of dying, the sky clear and Merlin's arms around his, the darkness closing in as everything faded to black –
Arthur didn't realize he was screaming until almost a minute after he woke up.
He didn't know where he was. It wasn't his room, it wasn't Camelot. It was someplace else, alien and new, yet somehow familiar…
It was only when he felt a pair of arms encircling him that he immediately relaxed into that he remembered. Remembered that he had died, remembered that he had somehow, against every force of nature, returned after a millennium of a world without him, that Merlin had waited…
"Shh, Arthur," One of Merlin's hands was tangled in his air, the other lodged firmly around his waist as Arthur pulled himself together enough that he had the mental capacity to get his arms around Merlin's middle. He was still crying, though, goddammit.
Every night since he'd returned had been plagued with nightmares, dreams of the Camelot he'd failed to protect, the queen he'd left behind, the knights that he had abandoned, and Merlin, Merlin who was still here, who had always been here.
Arthur wondered how he ever could have doubted him.
"Sorry," Arthur said after a few moments, knowing he had awoken Merlin yet again and feeling a stab of regret for it. He tried to dislodge himself from Merlin's side, but the other man wouldn't let him go.
"You're alright?" Merlin whispered into his shoulder. "I want to make sure, Arthur. Please, let me help. Tell me about the dreams. Anything. Maybe I can stop them."
"You can stop bad dreams?" Arthur chuckled. Merlin had used magic, he had seen Merlin use magic, for simple things, from the fire he lit back in Camelot to the way he stopped a glass from falling off of a table here in London, but this was the first he'd heard of dreams. It made sense, though.
"I can try," Merlin replied and finally he let Arthur break away from him as he leaned down against the bed, their movements mimicking each other's. However, before he opened his mouth to utter a spell, before his eyes flashed that glowing golden color that Arthur still could not get used to, he stopped him with a touch of his hand.
"Just stay here," Arthur said after a moment's hesitation, looking into Merlin's crystal eyes that were always full of love. He hadn't ever said it out loud, and neither had Arthur, but he knew what it was, Arthur was certain. Merlin had to know, just as Arthur did. "Just stay."
He was expecting Merlin to make a teasing or biting comment, or a gentle insistence on using his magic, but instead, without missing a beat, he simply answered "Okay."
Merlin climbed more fully into the bed and Arthur let him wrap his arms around him, holding him tightly as if he was afraid that Arthur would vanish from his grasp any second. Arthur let himself go into the touch, trying to reassure Merlin just as much as he was trying to reassure himself.
He slept soundly until daybreak.