"It's epic food" Cas pronounced holding up his burrito, "I can't get enough."
Dean on the other hand felt like he was about to be sick. Every step brought him closer to the one thing he didn't want to do and the person he was about to do it to was looking up at him with blue eyes, shining with the first glimmer of happiness Dean had seen in him in a long time.
Cas's jaw continued in motion and it reminded Dean of the only other time he'd seen Cas eat, the time with the burgers. Cas had eaten like a famished man then too, no pun intended, but this time was different. This time Cas had actually gone through hell surviving his new mortal status.
April had done a good job cleaning him up, besides the torturing, but Dean got the picture that Cas's time apart from them had not been agreeable.
"Cas…uh…can we talk?" Dean forced out. He was sure his face didn't give anything alarming away, he was Dean Winchester after all, he perfected the poker face. Dean kept his gaze on the books scattered on the table, knowing that if he looked up he'd see the eyes of a man who had absolute faith in him, if faith in nothing else, and he didn't know if he could handle that.
"Of course" Cas replied jovially, his voice still rough from dehydration. Cas leaned forward unconsciously, waiting on Dean.
Dean's eyes flicked up and he cursed to himself mentally and started nervously tapping his fingers on the table.
"Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks." Cas added around a mouthful of burrito, "our time together." That caused Dean to pause, searching Cas's face and only finding unmasked sincerity. 'Well damn, there went any hope of making this easy' Dean thought.
Dean took a step forward and leaned back against the table, clearing his throat.
"Listen buddy, umm" he hated himself for not being able to just spit it out. He hated himself for even going along with this. He was Dean Winchester for crying out loud and no one, not even god himself, ever told him what to do.
But he had to do this for Sam. He could never let his brother get hurt, even if that meant sacrificing his own happiness.
"You can't stay" Dean finished finally looking up to meet Cas's gaze so he would know he meant it and so he didn't feel like a coward. Cas felt his breath stop, and was pretty sure his heart did too.
He would say it was a joke but he didn't think Dean was that cruel. He knew he wasn't, so why was he kicking him out? Why even let him in in the first place? For pity? It all suddenly became too clear to Castiel that his view of their camaraderie was not returned.
He should have known that now that he was human he would be of no use to the Winchesters any longer. It was foolish of him to believe that they felt as he did, that they were family. Cas considered them more of a family than his own, long before his own were out to execute him. Cas thought of Dean as his closest friend and knew without a doubt he would die for him. He thought it was reciprocated but Dean's neutral expression told him otherwise.
Dean could feel his insides twisting and his throat thickening. Cas looked utterly betrayed and it pierced Dean to his core. Which is why it surprised him when Cas cleared his throat and simply replied "okay."
"okay?" Dean questioned his façade dropping and disbelief coming through.
Cas just nodded and went back to eating his burrito while Dean stood there dumbfounded. "How is- what- Cas-" Dean stuttered unsure how to organize his confusion into a coherent inquiry.
Cas sighed and decided to save him the trouble, it was the least he could do for being such a burden. "Dean, I see now that I am of no further value to you or Sam. I thank you for your kindness and the sympathy you have shown me in my calamity, God knows I didn't deserve it and it was foolish of me to believe you forgave me for my lapse in judgment. I shall burden you know longer."
Cas didn't turn to face Dean so that he would see the tears stinging his eyes and the way his lower lip quivered. If he had, he would have seen Dean's face crumple in remorse and his green eyes glassy with unshed tears also.
Cas was family, and Ezekiel be damned, Dean would never ever hurt his family. Especially his angel for whom he had grown far more attached to than he ever thought feasible. Dean stepped forward and put his hand on Cas's cheek, just as he had done when he thought he lost him, forcing Cas's eyes to meet his.
Just thinking about the moment he lost Castiel, for those few precious seconds, made it feel like ice water had been injected into his veins. He'd lost Cas too many times. Somehow they always made it through; Cas's betrayal, purgatory, the civil war in heaven, the freaking apocalypse.
The story of Dean and Cas was one of survival and forgiveness and blind faith because that's what it means to be in love. They were the greatest love story never written and Dean would not let this be the last page.
Dean caught the tear that rolled down Cas's cheek and Cas tried to turn away ashamed at his human weakness. Dean wouldn't let him and placed both his hands on Cas's face, so that he could try and make him understand not only with words but his eyes what he was about to say.
"Cas don't you ever, ever think that you are nothing to me. Angel or not, you are family. We've all made mistakes, hell, I've made a majority of them. You should know that I forgave you a long time ago." This time Cas didn't even try to hold the drops of emotion that fell on his cheek, rolling down to wet the side of Dean's hands.
"I went out of my mind Cas, looking for you these past few days. When I saw you die-" Dean paused and let out an unhumorous laugh. "that was worse than all the days in hell."
Cas reached his hands out to rest on Dean's biceps. "Dean-"
"Cas, I can't lose you" Dean murmured resting his forehead on Cas's. It astonished Cas how magnified his emotions were after the loss of his grace. He didn't think it was possible to feel stronger about Dean Winchester than he had previously but right now he was proving himself once again, to be naïve in his logic.
"Then why do I have to leave?" Cas asked. Dean clenched and unclenched his jaw and Cas admired the way the muscles flexed. "Ezekiel is possessing Sam to heal both himself and my brother. If you stay, he will leave because he believes that you're a beacon for vengeful angels"
Cas was mildly shocked about the possession but knew that it was he logical thing to do. He did wonder how they tricked Sam into agreeing but that was not of import right now.
"I understand, Dean. I shall be gone by morning" Cas murmured. He felt Dean's muscles tense under his hands.
"No" Dean growled out fiercely and something stirred in Cas's belly that was reminiscent of his night with April, only stronger.
"I didn't say I was going across country, Dean" Cas explained. "I think I can manage to live within drivable distance but not enough to put you and Sam in danger." Dean's face expressed his resentful opinion but he remained silent, with his eyes shut and his breathing steady.
After a moment, Dean's verdant eyes opened to meet Cas's cerulean ones. Dean didn't realize how close his face had drifted towards Cas's but he could feel his warm breath brushing his lips with each exhale. Dean licked his lips and tried to steady his racing heart.
Cas's eyes followed the movement and he pushed his face closer to Dean's until his nose bumped his. Dean didn't need any further permission and pressed his lips to Cas's with the years of pent-up passion that threatened to consume Cas's newly human senses in amorous fire.
Dean's hand remained cradling his face while Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's torso and drew him as close as he could with Dean standing over him.
Dean enjoyed the way Cas's scruff felt against his face and hands and allowed his mouth to roam across Cas's jaw so he could feel it against his lips. Cas instinctively tilted his head to the side, allowing Dean access to his neck. Dean eagerly accepted and pressed feather kisses down the side of it.
He suddenly thought about how April probably got to do this first, but just because she took away Castiel's virginity does not mean she could take away their firsts. Like the first time they kissed, which both Dean and Cas were thoroughly enjoying.
Dean started lightly sucking at the junction of Cas's neck and shoulder and Cas let out a rugged moan and clutched at the back of Dean's shirt.
When he was done, Dean briefly pulled back to admire the mark that now adorned Cas's throat, marking him as Dean's and only Dean's. He looked at Cas and cherished the flush that spread across his cheeks and the yearning in his gaze.
Dean pulled Cas out of the chair and locked their hands together, pulling Cas with him down the hallway to his room.
It looked like Dean and Cas would have many firsts that night.