Home is in your arms
Songfic of 'Lights' by Ellie Goulding
I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
She'd never realized how much she relied on, trusted, Connor Temple in her life for quite a long time. How she'd somehow become so used to him, comfortable and confident in the thghout that no matter what she said to him, he would always be there. She knew how she felt about him, knew how he flet about her. In the beginning she had told herself she couldn't be with him, couldn't date him, because he was too childish for her. He snuck his way into her life and she, reluctantly at first, let him stay. She'd seen so many sides of Connor, though. He was a child at heart, there was a charming innocence to him. His enthusiasm for science fiction films and games she couldn't quite get but that was hardly an issue in a relationship. You didn't have to love all the same things. But for some time she couldn't see- even when he blundered into danger on multiple occasions to save her life- past the geeky, dorky side of Connor. He was a boy to her, not a man, not then.
It wasn't that he didn't appeal to her - he was well fit, under the quirky and sometimes downright strange dress sense - but Abby Maitland had mixed, conflicting feelings about herself, and Connor, and any possibility of a relationship would need several things to occur before it could happen, in her mind. He would have to mature and she would have to get over her fear that she wasn't worthy of a good soul like Connor.
She'd felt fear for his life, and for her own, many times - usually connected events, but not always. She realized that both of them would do anything to protect the other. It scared her, honestly. She had begun to love Connor Temple without ever making moves out of the friend zone. She'd always, always, struck down his attempts at flirtation, until it was with growing unease she noticed that his attempts began to grow few and far between. He had stopped making an actual effort, settling for just friends even though he wanted more, because she'd hurt him.
She'd hurt herself, too.
She could honestly hardly blame him for dating Caroline. He'd spent so long trying to get Abby and being knocked down each time, that a woman who wouldn't, who seemed to want to be around him and to be with him, was attractive to Connor. Abby could only blame herself. And how could she expect Connor to understand why she behaved how she did towards Caroline- he couldn't tell she was jealous of Caroline, and concerned for him, because why would she feel that way for him? From his point of view, Abby was sure it seemed like she was just trying to stop him from being happy.
It wasn't true, not that she could tell him that.
She didn't realize, didn't recognize that she relied on Connor to protect her, comfort her, just be there for her when she needed him. Not until he wasn't there all the time, and she was left without the light that led her to safety in a storm. She had spent so long looking out for herself and her brother, but with Connor she began to realize she could relax and trust him.
And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me
She could hardly admit it to herself that she did need him; she was strong, but not all the time. He was never one to push, to try and make himself the alpha of their friendship, he always let her make decisions, but that did not mean he couldn't be strong for her, too. He'd done it enough times, she just hadn't let herself see him for what he was.
Then he'd gone and told her he loved her as she clung to his hand, the only thing keeping her from plunging to death by the rocks and Mer creatures below her at the cliff in the future. She had been so surprised. There wasn't time really; somehow he'd managed to hold onto her hand just long enough for Cutter and Stephen to get there, and after they helped Connor pull her to safety, she and Conn just clung to each other. She didn't think about it, but she felt safe in his arms.
She hadn't thought about what she was saying, when they got back. Connor let go of her and they walked by Lucien in a stretcher. He'd called Connor her boyfriend, and it was instinctive, after so long to just reply as she always had.
"He's not my boyfriend" She'd hissed, and yes, Abby had seen Connor's relieved grin drop, his face falling into exhausted dismay as he walked past her. She wanted to call out to him, say she didn't mean it. But despite feeling as she did for him, she couldn't do it. Her pride stopped her.
"Back there, on the other side of the anomaly... I thought I heard you say something." They were home, and it was amazing how it had been a year since he showd up at the old apartment, and now this was only 'home' because Connor was here too. She wondered why she asked that. Abby realized she wanted to know if he had really said what he'd said. She wanted to know if he was ready to be brave for her and admit that he had indeed said 'I love you' to her. She wanted him to make the first move.
"Said alot of things, didn't I? Mostly 'ahhhhh'"
"... about how you felt about me." She met his eyes, and he looked unsure, panic half-hidden in his dark eyes.
"Did I?" He shook his head, and she grew worried. Why was he denying it? But then he looked at her again, and it seemed like one of them was going to say something, like they were, once more, on the edge of a cliff. They could take a step forwards, into the unknown together, or step back. "Abby, I -"
Caroline broke the moment, and Abby wanted to yell, to scream at him, ask him why was he leaving with that witch when she, the girl he loved, needed him? But she didn't do it. They both had this shattered look in their eyes, but neither of them could do it.
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
Home
Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe
Because of her past, she'd always gone for, as she later told Jenny, the wrong sorts of guys. Connor Temple was a departure from that. He was a good man - he was a man, now, despite the retreat into childishness after Cutter died. She'd watched as Connor carried Cutter's body out of the ARC, broken but trying to be strong in that moment, because Cutter was relying on him now too, and she turned to him in that moment. She trusted him to be strong for her, this once, and they held each other as they cried.
For a long time the only other person she'd allowed close enoguh to say she loved, was her brother, Jack. Even though he was a prat and more of a nuisance than a help, he was her brother. She had built up walls and couldn't break them down. Without intending to Connor Temple had been - not breaking the walls, not exactly - slipping past those shields. She wasn't sure when she'd begun to care about him as more than a friend, couldn't really say. She kenw Connor had always loved her, though it had distinctly matured from a childish, puppy-like crush into a real love. She trusted him mroe than she trusted even Jack, and that frightened Abby, too. Because once you loved someone, they could hurt you. It had happened before, when her family had been mroe than just her and Jack. Now it felt more like Connor, Sid, Nancy and Rex were closer to her than Jack, sometimes.
Abby wanted Connor to make the first move, but her advice to Jenny still resounded in her mind: 'if you're interested, don't wait for the man to make the first move.' Perhaps, if she hadn't cut down Connor so many times, firmly makign sure neither of them crossed the 'best friends' line, he would've been the one to do so. But she could see that she was pulling Connor down. She didn't want to do this anymore - she was the cause of the hurt, haunted look in his eyes, at least part of it. She didn't know how to fix this. She tried giving him a hint, kissing him on the cheek. But he was waiting for her to follow it up, whilst she was waiting for him to do the same.
A major part of it was that she was terrified that if they moved from best friends to boyfriend and girlfriend, soemthing would go wrong and their friendship would be ruined. She realized that while they knew a lot about one another, they both had secrets they hadn't shared. Maybe telling those thing to each other would help them bridge the gap. Maybe.
But first Jack stupidly stole her detector and ended up in the future, and she followed him.
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
Home
She'd yelled at Connor, angry enoguh in the moment, scared for her brother, that she snapped at him that he'd wanted Jack dead, that he'd be happy if Jack was dead. And it made her stomach churn how she felt pleased at the dismay and hurt in Conn's eyes when she said that to him. His heart was on his sleeve and she at that moment felt a twisted satisfaction in his pain. She regretted it as soon as she walked away, but something stopped her from apologizing. She wasn't great with people, especially not with Connor.
And then he'd risked his own life yet again to protect her, calling out to the future predator that had been advancing on her and Danny, drawing the creature's attention away from them. Connor told her to go, but she couldn't, not yet. She was frozen in fear for him, sure that she was about to see him die for her at the future predator's claws. Pain tore through Abby when she realized that this could very well be the moment of Connor's death. And she had never told him how she felt about him. She was loosing him without ever having him.
Thank goodness Becker was there to shoot the creature. She couldn't face Connor right then, she had to save her brother first, and then she could deal with it.
Connor hardly took pause at the events, rushing to aid her in pulling Jack up to safety, showing his strength and determination to help her no matter what. She didn't even mind that he yelled at Jack when they ended up trapped on the bus. She felt the same way, and felt horrible about how she'd treated Connor. It could wait, couldn't it?
Connor's morbid, quiet words made her realize again that life was short. She shouldn't waste time dancing around him like this.
"This is it." He murmered.
Luckily it wasn't the end, Becker wasn't dead, and it was only a few moments before Sarah unlocked the anomaly and they fell through to safety. Abby knew she would have to face him sooner than later, but Jack wanted to tell her something first.
"Abby, can I talk to you?" She followed her brother.
"You know when Rex went missing?" He began, not quite meeting her eyes.
"Yes...?" She tilted her head a little, raising an eyebrow at her brother. She was glad he was okay, but where was this leading?
"I gambled him away to me mate. He didn't borrow Rex, I lost him to pay off me gambling debts. Connor convinced Becker to threaten Toby in order to get Rex back. He actually considered trying to get the 3 grand, Abby. And he told me not to tell you - said we couldn't hurt you like that."
"Oh..." She'd misjudged Connor compeltely... "Jack, I need to go talk to Connor."
"He loves you, you know?"
"I think I love him too, Jack."
She walked off, finding Connor at the bottom of the steps, poking around with a handheld detector. Probably checking anomaly readings or something. She mused. Abby came over and leaned on the railing, looking down at him.
She lowered down her defensive wall for a moment. His thoughtfullness and his love for her, his selflessness, even when she'd been so horrible to him... The least she could do was let them both enjoy a kiss. It was a wonderful kiss, as hesitant as it was, gentle and soft and perfect.
When she visited Lester's flat with Rex on the premise of letting Rex play with the Diictodons, Abby's mind was in cahos. Should she take that step forwards? What if - the same fear pervaded her thoughts now - what if dating Connor ruined their friendship? She needed him as her best friend, at the very least. But... could she risk not telling him, and ruining everything that way? She felt like she was playing with his heart. Yet Abby couldn't do it. She backtracked this time.
"I just... I don't want things to be wierd between us." She said instead of what she'd been thinking.
Idiot! Why did you say that? She could see the subtle slumping of Connor's shoulders, his face falling for a brief moment before he tried to pretend he wasn't hurt. She could read him so well, now. It hurt her, too, that she continued doing this to him.
She had to tell him, had to just tell him how she felt. And in an echo of that moment with Connor when Caroline walked in, the detector went off, and any conversation of that kind went out the proverbial window.
Little did Abby know that soon they would be the only two humans on earth, trapped for who-knows-how-long in a time that wasn't their own. Connor's quiet question about moving back into the flat, following cheekiness that made her try to hide a smile, caused the cover to slip, and they smiled wearily at one another. He'd scared her so badly, falling out of the tree like that. He hadn't woken up at first, limp and unconscious no matter what she did. It could've been so much worse. He could've been injured beyond a badly sprained ankle, cuts and bruises, and a headache. He could've been killed by the fall, or she could've been killed by the raptor. There was most assuredly not enough time to be at odds like this. But she could not, for the life of her, figure out how to tell Connor.
There was so much danger around them, could they take their minds off simply trying to stay alive to worry about a relationship? At least until they were home?
She should have known: wherever Connor was, was her home.
'You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
you shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
'Cause they're calling, calling, calling home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
Home.
He was a good man, a great man. She loved him. And finally, she'd found the guts to tell him how she felt, and they had sat talking for a long time. Now, as she looked into his dark eyes, Abby smiled, and this time, Connor made the first move. They were kissing, long and slow and absolutely breathtakingly perfect. It might have been the Cretaceous around them as they sat in the tree together, but this was home for Abby: in Connor's arms.
A childish song floated through their minds at that moment.
Connor and Abby sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love,
Then comes marriage
Next comes a baby in the baby carriage!
Abby and Connor, as they shared that kiss, both hoped that they would have all of these things in the future together... And hopefully not in the Cretaceous!