Title: The last place you look (a.k.a. The super epic search of Jim's virtue).
Author:Danyliz.
Universe/Series: Reboot.
Rating: PG-15.
Summary: Nothing like a Vulcan on a mission to prove Leonard McCoy wrong. Crack fic.
Beta: Anbessette.
Notes: Okay, this was supposed to be a one-shot, but as usual, I started another story and I was distracted. And since my partner in crime A Maze Thing keeps feeding me with plot-bunnies, well… who knows how much this baby grows. This story is PURE CRACK, not to be taken seriously, just for amusement and show how Bones rules. Honey, let's hope you enjoy how this thing started, and to all of you reading this, thank you and you rule too. And I would be totally lost without my amazing and patient beta Anbessette, who will join me in my future plotting against ff-net.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the fantasies in mi head, a hamster and apparently now I own a dog too.
"You want to do what?" McCoy spat out the coffee he was sipping.
"I want to locate the Captain's virtue," Spock repeated, like he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary.
"Why in seven hells you would want to look for something that doesn't even exist?" McCoy frowned. If the Vulcan had gone nuts on his watch, Jim would have his head.
"You do not know for certain that it does not exist. I want to prove your mistake and show that the Captain does indeed have virtue."
"Okay Spock, what have you been drinking? Is that weird tea making you hallucinate? Did you taste Scotty's hooch?"
"I assure you, I am not intoxicated with any strange substance. I am merely letting you know that I will find Captain's Kirk virtue and you shall retract your assertion."
The Vulcan was loony and somehow he was going to be blamed for it. McCoy tried to remember what 'assertion' he had made to provoke Spock's craziness. Then it hit him. Damn his big southern mouth.
"So Chekov, what? You and Sulu are doing the nasty?" McCoy asked with glee.
"We are just friends!" Chekov blushed madly.
"Nay, lad. I don't let friends stuck their tongues down my throat," Scotty chirped in.
"What about Uhura? She sure had her tongue down your throat that time I caught you in the Rec. room."
"That's different. I like the lass. She will be the mother of my children."
"Whoa, easy boy, how about you date her first?"
"She's the one, doctor, I'm sure of it."
"Not that I don't admire your devotion, but I can tell you from experience that sometimes when she looks like the one… she really isn't."
"Doctor, you seem way too informed about our extra curricular activities," Chekov added. "What about you and Nurse Chapel?"
"That ship sunk before it even began to sail, kid," McCoy waved his hand, "and it's not my fault you all are getting ravished around the Enterprise. Get a room next time."
"Is it true then?" Scotty asked. "You saw the Captain getting some action?"
"In fact, Jim is the only one who hasn't been ravished around here. Funny thing, since he's the one with no virtue at all."
"Oh, I wouldn't say he has no virtue, Doctor," Chekov said. "I think it's just misplaced."
"That's if it even exists. I think he was born without any."
Okay, yeah, it was partly his fault, but he didn't know the hobgoblin was listening to their conversation. Besides, it was a joke! He'd better clarify this.
"Look Spock, that time we were joking; it doesn't mean Jim doesn't have any virtue."
"Are you retracting your affirmation, then?" Spock lifted an eyebrow.
"Uh… well, I wouldn't say retracting. Let's say you start looking for 'Jim's virtue'." He tried not to cringe at the thought. "How would you even start?"
"I believe understanding where it was lost in the first place would be an acceptable method to start the search."
Spock sounded so sure that McCoy mentally checked the month just to make sure the Vulcan wasn't making a prank for April Fool's. Not that Spock would do that, but maybe he was finally getting the human concept of practical jokes.
"Good luck with that," McCoy said, thinking that perhaps watching Spock looking for Jim's virtue could work on his favor somehow. "I'm sure that not even Jim remembers when he lost it."
"I am proving you wrong," Spock said forcefully.
Watching the Vulcan walking away from Sickbay, McCoy thought that perhaps he would indeed prove him wrong.
Jim seemed oblivious to Spock's stares while they were eating; it wasn't that surprising, Jim always ignored stares. He was used to them.
"Your Vulcan is giving us the evil eye," McCoy said to his friend.
"Huh?"
"Spock. Death glare. Two o'clock."
Jim turned around without any shame whatsoever; Leonard hated it when he did that, his friend wouldn't know the word 'discretion' if it hit him in the face.
"Hey Spock!" Jim said cheerfully. "Do you want to join us?"
Spock stood up without saying a word and, leaving Uhura alone without any explanation, he sat down next to McCoy. Uhura frowned, but didn't say anything.
"Captain, I was wondering if I could ask you a few personal questions for some research I am doing," Spock said in his best polite voice.
"Sure Spock, what's the research about?"
"Human mating rituals and courtship."
Jim stared at Spock disbelievingly. McCoy was too astounded to even react. That cheeky Vulcan!
"Why don't you ask Bones, then?" Jim asked, trying to sound cool. "He's the doctor, I'm sure he can give you better insight."
"I do not believe the good doctor can provide 'better insight'. I am interested in the dominant role in a sexual relationship and Doctor McCoy seems like a submissive partner."
"HEY!" McCoy protested. "I've never had complaints about my part in sexual relationships!"
"Nurse Chapel differs."
McCoy felt all the colors draining from his face. Of course Chapel would gossip with Spock, she had wanted access to the Vulcan's pants for years. Chapel was a drunken mistake; he didn't even remember most of it.
"Maybe we can both answer your questions," Jim suggested; of course he was getting shy with Spock now, which was perplexing since he had walked around campus naked on a dare, it wasn't like he was repressed.
"If you feel more comfortable with that approach, I do not have any objections," Spock said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Okay, shoot," Jim smiled.
"Have you partaken in a ménage a trois?"
"What?" Jim opened his mouth wide.
"Let me rephrase that. Have you involved yourself in sexual relations with two people at the same time? Gender is not important."
"I think he understood you the first time," McCoy said after a prolonged silence. Jim was still frozen after hearing Spock's question.
"Oh, my apologies. I did not know this kind of questioning needed profound reflection."
"Spock," said Jim finally. "What do threesomes have to do with you research?"
"It manifests sexual preferences," Spock said like he was talking about Warp factor.
"I'll let Bones answer that one." Jim looked at McCoy with despair.
"Yes, Jim has participated in threesomes."
"BONES!" Jim chastised. "I meant you should answer from your experience, not tell about my sex life!"
"Very well. Have you ever had been tied up during sexual intercourse?"
"Spock, I don't think this…"
"Yes, one time a boy left him tied up an entire day and when I arrived at the dorm room that night I had to untie him. He was also covered in honey; does that help your research?"
"It is an interesting fact, I was not aware that sweet substances were used in sexual intercourse."
"Hey! Bones, stop spilling my personal experiences, and Spock, I don't think your questioning is…"
"Do you enjoy spanking during sexual relations?"
"Okay, enough!" Jim blushed.
"He does," McCoy said at the same time.
"When did you begin having sexual relationships?"
"Fourteen," McCoy said.
"SIXTEEN!" Jim shouted. "And I think that's enough information for your research, Spock. Next time I would like to answer by myself instead of having Bones tell everything. It disturbs me that you know all this, Bones."
"I assure you Captain, this data will be confidential; I will be the only one to access it."
"That's a relief," Jim said sarcastically. "Just use an alias or something. I don't need the entire universe knowing about my 'mating rituals'."
"Believe me, I do not want the 'entire universe' to know that information either. I also am disturbed by the amount of sexual data Doctor McCoy seems to posses about other people."
"It's not my fault they aren't discreet!" Bones defended himself.
"You are a dirty voyeur," Jim joked.
"You insisted on having sex in our dorm room, public bathrooms or the campus grounds." McCoy spat.
"The campus grounds?" Spock repeated.
"It was one time, and she was gorgeous," Jim said, winking. "I'm going with Scotty, you two behave."
McCoy knew that his friend said it because whenever he and Spock were alone they started arguing. The Vulcan was just infuriating. When he glanced at Spock, he noticed that he was eyeing Jim the entire time he was walking away from the mess hall.
"You'll burn holes on his back if you stare like that," McCoy said.
"Impossible. The Captain has not sustained any physical damage from my observation so far."
"So you admit to the staring thing. That was easy, I thought I was going to have to push your buttons for a while."
"I do not have buttons to push, and I have not hidden my interest in the search for the Captain's virtue."
"Spock, I get that you are very determined about this, but how would you know if you found Jim's virtue? I doubt he hides it in a box in his room or something." Why McCoy was arguing with the crazy Vulcan was still a mystery.
"You see Doctor, you think the Captain's virtue is lost given the previous sexual relations he has had; I, on the other hand, believe that sexual relations have nothing to do with the virtue an individual could posses."
"If you don't think that sexual kinks have to do with the virtue thing, then what in the name of God motivated you to ask all those questions?"
"I was merely curious. Excuse me, Doctor."
Oh dear, the Vulcan was a naughty one.
McCoy thought this virtue thing was over after a few days of quietness in their routine. Sure, the Vulcan glared at him and Jim when they were having a meal together, but that was also part of said routine. Deep down, McCoy knew the Vulcan had the hots for Jim but was just too formal to actually propose something, and Jim was an idiot, he didn't see the Vulcan's intentions because he was busy being all self-recriminating.
Finally Spock came to their table, sitting next to Jim.
"Hey Spock," Jim smiled.
"Captain, Doctor McCoy."
"It's rude to interrupt other people's conversations," McCoy spat, mostly to bait the Vulcan.
"I doubt the advantages of using chocolate on human bodies was an important topic," Spock said coldly, and Jim blushed.
"You heard that?" Jim gaped.
"My hearing is better than humans', Captain. We have conversed about this on previous occasions."
"Well, yeah, but I didn't think you could hear from that distance…"
Spock only lifted an eyebrow and Jim shut his mouth quickly. He was totally whipped.
"Captain, I was wondering if you could assist me with a small experiment I am conducting."
"As long as it doesn't involve the practical part of sexual mating rituals, I'm on board," Jim winked.
"Oh. Then I believe you will not be able to assist me after all."
"W-what?" Jim gawked. "Are you proposing to do a practical investigation?"
"I believe you are the one proposing that, Captain," Spock mused out loud and McCoy begged for someone to stab him and take him out of his misery.
"What? Okay, I'm lost… Spock, what do you need?" Jim tried to calm down; if Leonard wasn't so shocked he would be amused.
"I am familiarizing myself with certain human concepts such as 'good' and 'bad'. Could you help me with the differences?"
"Um… sure, I don't see what it has to do with your comment about the practical part of your investigation, but go ahead."
"You were the one who said that, Captain. I was trying to apply the concept of a 'good prank'."
"You failed," McCoy intervened. "It has to be funny."
"I thought it was humorous, the Captain winked," Spock said with a confused tone.
"Jim winks at everything that moves, that doesn't mean anything."
"Hey! I don't wink at everything that moves!" Jim complained. "We are getting sidetracked here; Spock, what's your confusion with 'good' and 'bad'?
"I do not understand the correlation between having a circle of light above the head and being good."
"What?" Jim frowned.
"Lieutenant Uhura showed me last Christmas what you considered 'good' and 'bad'. Good meant a halo, and bad, horns. It was confusing."
"Spock, it's July; you couldn't ask before?" Jim said with an amused tone.
"I just recently became interested in the meaning."
"Okay, look, it's just symbolism; it doesn't really mean that whoever has a halo is good. I dressed as an angel when I was a kid, and I sure wasn't good."
"You also didn't burst into flames the time we entered that church when Pike got married," added McCoy.
Spock glanced at Leonard, tilting his head.
"I'm not explaining the meaning of that," McCoy spat.
"So as you see, it has noting to do with being good or bad, actions speak louder than words," Jim said cheerfully.
"Is that so?" Spock arched an eyebrow and Leonard knew he was plotting something. Honestly, Jim never got when the Vulcan was ready to be sneaky.
"Of course." Jim nodded with conviction.
"Then I'm sure you won't mind demonstrating."
Everyone turned around and noticed Uhura joining their table with a big smile.
"Uhura, looking good," Jim smiled.
"I can't say the same," she answered gleefully.
"Ouch, see, Spock? She's mean, and she doesn't have horns."
"That you can see," muttered McCoy.
"Oh, come on Leonard. Are you still mad because I asked Chapel about the one night stand fiasco?" Uhura didn't sound upset in the least.
"It was private!" McCoy glared hard at Uhura.
"So Uhura, how do you want me to demonstrate about the good and bad thing? Are you proposing something naughty?"
Apparently Leonard was the only one who noticed Spock going rigid. This was going to be fun.
"We'll see," Uhura said calmly. "I'm thinking about a dare."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I dare you to tell the truth for an entire day."
"Wait, how does that exactly fit the 'actions speak louder than words' thing?" Jim blushed; he knew he couldn't go for even an hour of honesty.
"I concur with the Captain. It is a pointless provocation," Spock said.
"Oh Spock, the dare wasn't just for Jim. I'm daring you and Leonard as well."
"Oh, no, leave me out of this," Leonard said. He already said what he thought most of the time and it always came back to bit him in the ass.
"And I still don't see how this is related to my point," Jim complained.
"Well… it's not, I just think we all need it." Uhura said, smiling.
"You want dirt on the highest ranks for your benefit," Leonard accused. That woman was looking for trouble.
"Let's say I can go for a day without lying… what's in it for me?" Jim asked.
"I'll sleep with you."
Everyone stared at Uhura, including Spock, who looked almost murderous in Leonard's opinion.
"What?" Jim gaped.
"You heard me. You've chased me since the Academy; if you don't lie for an entire day, I'll finally give you what you've wanted for so long."
"You're fucking with me!" Jim squeaked.
"Not yet. Win the bet first."
"I must express my disapproval of this course of action, Captain," Spock said in a clipped tone. "You must not fall into the immaturity Lieutenant Uhura is displaying and you must remember your rank and your responsibility."
"That isn't your best argument, Spock," Leonard mocked. Of course the Vulcan would disagree, he wanted to get in Jim's pants and this 'virtue' thing was probably his excuse to do it.
"The bet is only about me?" Jim said after a few minutes of silence. "If Bones lies, I won't lose, right?"
"Here's the deal, if you win, I'll sleep with you, and I'm sure Spock and Leonard can manage to obtain something as well if they enter the bet."
"It's unfair, Spock won't lie because he's a Vulcan, he's already won whatever thing you have planned for him."
"Jim, I can assure you, Spock is the expert in lying," Uhura said mockingly.
Now all looks were on Spock, who had the decency to blush lightly.
"I believe Lieutenant Uhura is right, although I do not appreciate my personal traits being exposed in this particular manner."
"I'm just helping you, Spock," Uhura smirked.
"All right, you're on," accepted Jim.
"What?" Leonard almost choked on his glass of water.
"Captain?" Spock was surprised as well. As much as a Vulcan could look surprised.
"I won't lie for an entire day, starting tomorrow. Then we'll see who wins."
"Perfect… how about you, Spock? Care to enter the bet?" Uhura blinked innocently at Spock.
"Negative. I do not find entertainment in this illogical behavior." The Vulcan was pissed.
"That's because you're a liar and can't make it through the day," Leonard baited him.
"Doctor McCoy, I do not see you interested in participating either," Spock bit out.
"I already tell the truth, hobgoblin," Leonard added. "I don't see what the difference will be. However, if you enter, I can make things interesting for you."
"I wonder how exactly." Spock arched an eyebrow at him.
"If you win, I'll retract the affirmation we discussed a few days back."
"I see. And if for some reason am I defeated in this illogical gamble?"
"I'll make you wear what you refused to wear last Christmas."
Spock kept his eyebrow arched, but Leonard knew he was caving. He wanted Leonard to admit he was wrong and Jim was innocent, even when Jim had just made a bet to have sex with Uhura. What virtuous person did that?
"Very well. If I am successful, you shall retract from your assertion through our communication system and admit defeat. You will also agree to stop calling me mocking names." Spock nodded lightly.
"And if I win, you get to wear that for the entire day and I get to give you 'mocking names' whenever I want," Leonard grinned.
"What are you two talking about?" Jim asked with a frown. "What 'assertion', Bones? What thing, Spock?"
"None of your business, Jimbo," Leonard said, waving his hand.
"Do not concern yourself with illogical matters, Captain," Spock said the same time as Leonard spoke
"Did I miss something?" Jim gave Uhura a curious look.
"Oh, Jim… you have no idea." Uhura smirked.
TBC...