A post-ep drabble for Changes
I couldn't get this to go how I planned :( hope you like it anyway.
Spoilers: kind of spoilers for changes but not really.
Disclaimer: Sadly no. I do not on House MD or any of its characters. People just aren't good at sharing these days.
He'd failed.
He'd slept with her and he'd failed. A few years ago he would've been more annoyed that he'd proved Foreman right; that he'd fuelled his giant ego and given him another reason to think that he was better than Chase. But had he really thought that he could do it? Thought that he was moving on?
Of course he'd slept with her. The girl was hot and Chase was looking for a distraction. He'd tried to rationalise it afterwards, said that if she hadn't been his distraction something else would've, drink or drugs or a number of other reckless and dangerous things. What was wrong with having sex?
When his mum died Chase had promised himself that he would only ever drink recreationally. Sworn that he would never do it to take away his pain; to make the world leave him alone just for a little while. Everyday it was getting harder to keep that promise. Soon he feared all attempts to would be futile and no one would be able to help him. Did he really want their help? Did he really deserve their help?
If sex was all it took to keep him functional, was that so wrong? But how long would it take until sex was no longer a distraction? What would he move onto then? He prayed it wouldn't be alcohol. He didn't even believe in god anymore-He'd lost his faith a long time ago- and still he prayed. In his mind he knew he'd already failed that test. He'd desperately clung to religion to find peace or forgiveness or whatever else it was he was looking for- and when that had failed he'd turned to alcohol. It hadn't helped. He still remembered Cameron's face when he'd stumbled in that night. Watched it turn from panic to relief to disgust.
The blonde beside him stirred, and as she rolled over he couldn't help but notice how she looked like Cameron. She didn't really; her features were sharper than Cameron's and her movements more stiff and ungainly. Everything reminded him of Cameron these days. Chase didn't look at her. He couldn't. It made him sick.
He'd lost the bet to Foreman. Everyone had known he would. He couldn't even remember this woman's name now. She was talking to him but he didn't listen, didn't even look. She deserved more respect than this, but he couldn't bring himself to give it. She didn't seem to notice any way. She was a distraction, that was all. She was something to take his mind away from his pain. Chase knew that it wasn't right, that he couldn't keep going like this but he didn't know how to stop. There was only one thing he knew…
He had failed.
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