Living With Depression

Depression creeps up on you quietly. At the very beginning you struggle with the little things that you usually just ignore them. Its like a headache you'll tell yourself its temporary and it will pass, its just another bad day. But its not.

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It was 3 AM in the morning and no matter how tired Yoongi was, he couldn't bring himself to sleep. Its been 4 days straight that this happened to him, but he didn't seem to care much about it. Yoongi then decided to just open his laptop and working on something. Either type up some lyrics, or editing some photos of him and the other members like he used to. But when the laptop turned on, he only stares blankly at the empty document of Ms Word. He closed it since he doesn't feel like typing anything and decided to open up his photoshop. And after a while of editing, he lost the feeling and turn off his laptop and trying to get some sleep since he must be ready early tomorrow. Yoongi thought he might be just too tired so he doesn't seem to be in the mood for anything. He thought things will change in the morning like it used to. Its just a temporary things and he'll get better soon, or so he thought.

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You're stuck in this state of mind, you get used in putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people, because this is what you have to do. That's what others do. However, the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play, everyday, and its thought to cost you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and thats when you slowly start back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.

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The whole week of sleeping at 3 AM finally gets him, and Yoongi could not be more sensitive than he is today. Scrumpled up papers scattered around in his bedroom, he was pissed because he couldn't seem to write anything good lately. Though Yoongi believe it must be because he's lack of sleep, it still make him mad and in the end throw away his notebook to the corner of the room.

"Yoongi hyung.." a familiar voice of his favourite dongsaeng could be heard on his bedroom door. Yoongi, which currently curled on his bed, peeking out from his blanket to look at his younger friend with weary expression which makes Jimin worried about him even more.

"Are you okay?" Jimin finally asked as he notices all the scrumpled papers around Yoongi's bed. He was never this messy, and all the scattered papers only make Jimin's worry grow. Yoongi just sighed and muttered an 'I'm okay just need some sleep' before burying his head back inside his blanket. Only in this cocooned position does Yoongi feel safe recently. He didn't know why but he feel safe somehow.

"Okay.. If you need anything just let me or the other know.." and with that, Jimin walk out from his bedroom and leaving Yoongi on his own again. Yoongi didn't move from his cocoon, but he also couldn't sleep. He thought that he must return to his normal self ASAP or it will make the others worried about him as well.

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All satisfaction is gone. The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless. Even the simplest task become painful. And that is when you lack motivation. Now.. Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway? All of this make you feel even worse, and you get caught up in a vicious circle. Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable, just white noise.. Just heaviness filling your mind and spilling all over your body.

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They were practicing, and its been a while since Yoongi join them since the very beginning. The practice went well for Yoongi, but only at the beginning. The more Yoongi spend his time with the other members, he felt more and more drained emotionally. Their jokes, their usual playful demeanor, even their voices become overwhelming and Yoongi could only sit there, doing nothing, like a living dead. Feeling empty and blank and he only want to return to his own room as soon as possible. Everything is draining him and Yoongi hate it.

Its already more than two weeks after his insomnia begin, Yoongi take a longer time on doing everything. He kept missing the beat in dance practice, he rarely have dinner together with all the other members anymore, and he always feel dead beat in the morning. Namjoon notice this and decided to ask Yoongi about it.

"Can we talk for a bit?" Namjoon asked with a gentle voice but you can still sense the firmness in it. Yoongi jolted in surprise as he was just taking a glass of water when Namjoon suddenly talk to him. Yoongi gulp down all the water in his glasses before answering his leader.

"Well.. What do you want to talk about?" Yoongi asked back nervously. He was drained enough today, from the fanmeet, their seems endless practice and meeting more and more people.

"Lets have a seat, first.." Namjoon suggested and they both sit on the floor of the practice room. No one but them left since the other already have their rest on their bedroom. Yoongi, which couldn't sleep at that moment, never thought that he would have a company tonight. Moreover, it was his leader. He then realize he's been fucked up on their practices lately and Namjoon might notice plus dislike that. Oh Yoongi is sure he'll get lectured tonight.

"What bothers you?" Yoongi lifted his head as Namjoon asked the first question. His voice are not as stern as before, and it changes with worries. Namjoon noticed the drastic change on Yoongi cause he was getting more quiet and having lack communications with him and the other members. He no longer shares jokes and just.. simply there. Namjoon doesn't even feel like Yoongi is alive these past few weeks. Yoongi spent most of his time by himself in his bedroom or somewhere else aside from the practice sessions.

"You seems more exhausted than you used to be. Jimin told me you weren't sleeping well this past weeks. Do you have something in your mind?" Namjoon asked again when Yoongi just sit there, staring blankly and tiredly at his leader. Yoongi just shook his head, he didn't know what to say as an answer as he didn't get it as well.

"Maybe I just.. Need some more rest. Maybe its just me being anxious or something.." Yoongi finally speak up, he just said what he felt. Not the whole part, just the probability since he didn't even know if he's depressed.

"Do you want me to speak up to our PD so you could take a break and return to your home for two or three days?" Namjoon offered, and it seems like a small escape is what Yoongi actually need. His eyes lit and thought maybe this is what he needed so he just agreed with Namjoon's offer.

"That might be what I need.. Thanks, leader.."

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You feel as though you will never be happy again. You continue to back away and destroy relationships. You're ashamed for everything you've done and everything you haven't. There is a part of you that want to make things right, a sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people, but its all very short-lived because you know it wont work anyway.

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Getting back home doesn't seem to give any effect on Yoongi's condition. When he was resting on his own bedroom alone, all he could think about is how he could no longer make any worthy or even good lyric material. It depressed him even more and he felt an excessive guilts which get worse each hours he spent by himself. His parents and his big brother notice the change of his behaviour but Yoongi still didn't say a word about it. He don't know what to tell but feeling dead inside, even after hours and hours of sleeping, lazying around and doing things he like, he just.. no longer feel happy in everything he do. When he look at his phone and seeing the chats from the other members saying they missed him and want him back as soon as possible, Yoongi felt the urge to return back to the dorm to practice with them and spend more time with his favourite people to redeem his guilt on fucking up at the dance practices and unable to produce any good lyrics.

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Things that make your friends excited, and you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you. Another failure is not an option so in the end you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.

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Opening up their shared twitter account, Yoongi finds a bunch of tweets from his fellow members taking a picture together. Namjoon and Jin, Taehyung and Hoseok, and Jimin with Jungkook. And all of the members in the picture. All of them, except him. Yoongi never feel so faraway from all the members like he did tonight. Where he was all alone in his bedroom and the rest of the members are gathering up together, probably having fun without him.

The next evening, after spending another sleepless night, Yoongi return back to the dorm. His footsteps get heavier as he walk towards the station along with his older brother. He waved his brother goodbye as the train start to roll out the station.

Yoongi spent the hours of the trip to think through about himself and why he act this way for the past weeks. But the more he think, the more he lost and couldn't figure out why. It makes him depressed even more and he started tothink of how he was not fit anywhere. Where he was not fit in the picture with the rest of the Bangtan members. How he felt like he was never belong in the group nor anywhere in this world.

The feeling is overwhelming, but Yoongi couldn't even cry or getting his emotions out. He just sit there on his seat, staring blankly at the dark view outside. When the train finally arrived at Seoul station, Yoongi just step outside of the train and sit on the bench nearby. His mind was blank and he didn't have any strength to walk himself back to the dorm.

Some last trains past through the track before him and the reoccurring suicidal thoughts pass through Yoongi's mind every time a train rolls nearby. What if he just jump on the track and die? Will he be finally at peace..?

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The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable. You finally realize you cant go on that way and two things can happen. You either decide to get some help, or you might attempt a suicide..

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He was almost jumped. Almost unconsciously throw himself towards the rolling train in front of him. When his phone ring and he jumped back, as far as he could, from the edge of the railway. With his trembling hands, he pick up his phone from his jacket's pocket. A familiar name appeared on the screen. He picked up the call and he felt like his heart sink when he heard the voice at the other end of the phone.

"Yoongi hyung?"

"Jiminnie.. Help me.." and Yoongi finally break out in tears.

The italic text is from this video on youtube watch?v=EJ_S5Rjt_iI

HELLO HELLO! I'm back! Finally!

Unfortunately, I have to delete the multi chapter fics that I'm writing in this account as I already lost the muse to write it. I'm sorry! ;w;)

So I currently working on my thesis when I made this. I got the inspiration from the video and I look for the video also because of my thesis so yeah. :"D

My dear rp partner, which played as Yoongi, throw me in to BTS hell so voila. My OTPs are NamJin, MinYoon and Vkook though I can't seem to look at Tae, Jungkook and Hoseok separately. For me, they are triplet babies. LMAO

So this fic basically Suga centered, but also a MinYoon fic. RnR will be very much appreciated! But for grammar, I cannot promise I'll get better soon :"D

See you on chapter 2! Don't worry its not all angst. X"D Maybe. AwA)~ I speak bahasa so don't worry on giving bahasa for your reviews! Thanks for reading XD

-Ches A-