Can't Be Helped Chapter 1, a csi fanfic

Chapter one:

The day had ended with the closing of a particularly gruesome case file. The only happy note was that we had found the sick son of a bitch. I have never worked such a horrible case. Twelve children in all had been found. Different parts of them scattered all over Vegas. He'd been smart. Left almost no clues. But a single cigarette butt, that had been his undoing. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time that a criminal had been caught due to this particular habit. And it surely wouldn't be the last. With a heavy sigh, I picked up my shot glass and knocked it back. Delighting in the burn as it traveled down my throat. Thank God for Tequila. Usually I wasn't very particular about my drinks. Beer was always good, but that just wouldn't cut it today.

Reaching for the clear glass bottle, I felt warm skin against my fingertips, but didn't pull back. I just took the bottle from my friend, and co-worker. Smiling lightly as it clinked against my shot glass, I looked up and handed it back. Nick Stokes. I'd always known the man had a soft spot for children, and that he sometimes couldn't handle cases like these. Really, I didn't and couldn't blame him. But that was the reason why I'd wanted to become a CSI in the first place, to catch the bad guys. Unfortunately, this particular bad guy wasn't in jail. He was currently with Doc Robbins getting better acquainted. It couldn't be helped. He'd pulled a shotgun on Brass when they'd showed up to take him in. They'd shot him down, and now he'd never be able to harm anyone again. At least that was a comforting thought. Hopefully the bastard was rotting in hell right now.

A shot glass appearing in front of my face brought me out of my inner musings and back to the present. I lifted up my own glass and tapped it lightly against the one in front of me. "Cheers." Nick only nodded and brought the small glass to his lips while I did the same. I pretended not to watch when he picked up a lime and sank his perfect teeth into it, a small drop of juice sliding down his chin. I didn't need a lime or salt. I liked my Tequila straight. We were at Nick's place. He'd offered a few drinks and a game or two on his new PS3. I never could refuse a challenge. It wasn't just that, though. Something told me I had to go. Maybe it was the look in Nick's eyes, or the way his voice lightly shook. His twang becoming more apparent with every word he'd uttered. Whatever it was, I knew I couldn't say no. Nick didn't want to be alone, and I knew that feeling all too well. So we'd gone to our respective cars, and I had followed him back to his place.

We decided on the new Madden game and when Nick had offered a drink, I asked if he'd had anything stronger then beer. The way the Texas native's eyes had lit up told me that I'd done well in asking. A few moments later and Nick had brought out the Patron, two shot glasses and then went back and sliced up some limes. I used the time to set up the game and claim first player. Nick didn't seem to mind, only smiled and set the plate of sliced limes and saltshaker on the table. "That wont help you, you know. I'm still gonna stomp you." I grinned back and shook my head, "It's good that you have dreams, but really, you should set goals that you can actually reach."

Two hours later, I had emerged victorious twice in a row, though neither of us really cared. Half the bottle had vanished within that time and we were both very pleasantly drunk. Thankfully the next day held nothing for either of us. Grissom, the kind soul that he is, gave us both the day off. Reaching over to my jacket, I pulled out my cell phone and checked the time. It was half past eleven. Where the hell had the time gone? "Hey, I think I'll catch a cab. No way can I drive rig…" My words dried up and died in my throat at the look Nick shot me. I was a deer in headlights, I swear. That lost, sad light in his eyes unnerved me. It caused me heart to drop and my lips to form a frown. Warm tan fingers caught my arm and nearly made me jump in surprise.

"Don't…" He said. One word and my cell phone was forgotten, lying idly in my hand on my lap. Brown glossy eyes pleaded with me. Begging without words. The hand on my free wrist gentle, but firm. A moment later, and the older man had dropped both his gaze and said wrist. I found myself missing the touch. "I mean… uh… You could always jusss…" The light blush on my friend's cheeks made me speak without thinking. No surprise there, really. "I dun think I wanna pay for a cab. Runnin' kinda low on funds, you know? It cool with you if I jus' crash here?"

That smile was back, and my stomach flipped. The man could light up all of Vegas with a smile like that. "Yeah… Yeah, sure... 'S cool, G." And just like that we were back to drinking. About an hour later, I set down my shot glass for the last time and gazed over to Nick. Broad shoulders were relaxed and a small smile played on his lips as he watched whatever the hell was on the TV. I wouldn't know. I hadn't been paying attention. My vision was fuzzy around the edges and I was warm all over. In spite of that, I couldn't pull my eyes away from him. Didn't want to anyway. The man had something, a way about him. I never could figure it out. Was it his kind nature, his gentleness? Was it his honesty? The way he confidently carried himself? Maybe it was his disarming smile, or his low soothing voice? It could be so many things, or even all of them. But I never really knew.

So I was always watching. Making stupid comments about things I knew nothing about just to try and get those brown eyes on me for even a moment. I liked it when Nick looked at me. Couldn't get enough of it. Liked it even better when his big, warm hands touched me. Sometimes they were pats on the shoulder, or light touches to my arm, a full hand pressed into the small of my back. And every time it was like a small shock to my system.

Now, I am by no means stupid. I knew what all of that meant. Knew that regular friends did not react to other male friends in such a way. I'd never felt like this about another guy before. Never considered looking into my own sexuality. I hadn't had to. I'd been all about the ladies since puberty. But then I'd transferred to the lab fresh out of college, and there was Nick. He was happy, friendly, always helpful Nick. So, when I figured out what was wrong with me, why I'd felt the need to say and do stupid things around this man, I'd only sighed and mumbled 'It can't be helped.' Because it couldn't be... I couldn't control it or stop it. I couldn't make it go away. The only thing I could do was watch.

Nick never noticed. Never noticed that no matter where I was in the lab, I'd always be able to spot him a mile away. Never noticed that I would always say yes whenever he asked me for something. Never noticed that I always made him a cup of my cherished Blue Hawaiian, or that I was flirting with him. But that was okay, because there was another thing that couldn't be helped. Nick was straight. Not like it wasn't common knowledge or anything. He had a new girlfriend every other week, always leggy, and gorgeous. Well, why wouldn't they be? Look at him. He's just as beautiful as they are. And beautiful people deserved to be with others like them. I'm not a fool. I know I'm pretty cute, but I'm certainly not beautiful. So, I contented myself with friendship. Never thinking for even a moment that it would be possible to have this man for myself. See? That fancy Stanford degree counted for something.

I knew I was being uncharacteristically quiet, but I didn't think that he would notice. So it caught me off guard when Nick turned to me with a frown. "'S a matter Greggooo? Tired?" The way the other man was speaking showed exactly how drunk he really was, not that I was any better, mind you. Biting back the urge to groan at the sight of his pink tongue flicking over a full bottom lip, I forced a small smile. "Little bit. S'okay, dun worry bout me Nicky." Another smile formed on perfect lips and he shook his head lightly. "Ha... always worry bout you, G. Jus' always gettin' in ta some shit or otha." I blinked in surprise as a small blush made its way over my cheeks. I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off and continued on. "Like it… when… when you call me Nicky."

And that was how I knew he was done for the night. There was no way in hell Nick Stokes would ever say anything like that to me when in his right mind. So, with a small grin, I shook my head and attempted to stand. I was a bit wobbly, but I had expected that. I hadn't stood up in hours and the liquor sure didn't help. I chuckled at my own difficulty and moved to stand over him, holding out my hand. "'S bed time, Nicky. C'mon…" He nodded complacently and reached for me, missing completely. So I gently caught his hand and helped him up. I didn't think he'd go and lean his entire body against my side, or that he'd rest his head on my shoulder. Thank god he was too drunk to notice my rapid heartbeat or the red staining my cheeks yet again.

"Mmm… bed. 'S a good idea… Soooo smart, Greggooo." Even though his tone was happy and slightly high pitched for him, his voice was actually very soft and he breathed the words right into my ear. I shivered and felt a twitch in a place that had no business twitching. Stupid sex drive… Always making an appearance when it wasn't wanted. "You know it." I cursed my body mentally and took a shaky step forward, attempting to guide us to Nick's bedroom. This proved more difficult then I thought, Nick's added weight throwing me off balance even more. Almost tripping over my own feet, I hit my calf against the table trying to steady myself. He chuckled against my skin and slung an arm around my waist. "You smell good, Greg…" Damn, but I needed to get him to bed and away from me right now. The world just wasn't fair.

I shook my head to clear it and tried again, this time with more success. It took us longer then it should have, but we made it down the hall and into his large bedroom. It was dark, the black out curtains already drawn closed. That was a plus, less to worry about. I guided him to the bed, but he paused when we reached it. Leaning against me completely again, he reached down and unbuttoned his jeans, shucking them off with more grace then I thought he should have in such a state. I closed my eyes to try and ignore the temptation of his newly exposed skin. It was to no avail, I ended up looking anyway. Strong thighs defined by black skintight boxer briefs. Fuck, but someone up there must hate me. He kicked the pants into some corner of the room and let himself fall to the bed, laughing heartily all the while. I smiled. It was so good to see him laughing. It felt like he hardly ever did anymore.

"'S nice…" I hadn't meant to say it. Really, I hadn't. But there it was. He blinked and furrowed his brows, not understanding. It really was too cute. Not that I'd ever say so. "Wha's nice?" I should have known the question was coming, and I should have made up some lie, but I was too drunk for that. My quick wit left me when I was intoxicated, but my mouth never did learn to keep shut. "Yer laugh… 'S nice." He blinked again, "Oh…" And just like that, it was awkward. Sometimes I really hate being me. Another silent minute passed and I just stared at him while he stared back. Sure it was dark but our eyes were adjusted to it. I could see him clearly, and right now I kind of wish that I couldn't.

It's not right. I shouldn't be privy to such a glorious sight. Nick sprawled over his California king sized bed looking so damned beautiful. With a small sigh, I decided enough was enough and turned to leave. His hand grabbed my wrist yet again, and it did make me jump this time. But can you blame me? I wasn't expecting it, and what the hell was Nick doing anyway? He's driving me crazy and I need to leave the room… Right now. I gently tried to pull my hand away without looking back, but he refused to let me go. Reluctantly, I turned to face him again. "Wha's a matter?" He had that look again. The one that made me stop dead in my tracks. The one that made me want to hold him. The one that made me want to make his whole world all right so that he'd never make that face again. He mumbled something and looked away, but he didn't let go. I frowned. "Huh? Didn't hear ya…"

Nothing could have prepared me for the next moment. He looked back up at me, and I could swear I saw tiers in his eyes. "Stay…" It was my turn to blink now. "I am…" I didn't get it. Did he really think I was going to try and drive right now? I'd already promised not to leave. He shook his head and gently tugged on my wrist, causing me to take a step closer. If I hadn't I'd have fallen on my ass. "No." He said. "Stay here…. Please?" He patted the bed under him for emphasis and my heart stopped. Literally stopped, which was strange because blood still pounded in my ears. I felt myself nodding, because really, I could never deny him anything. If it was within my power of course, and this certainly qualified.

I knew it was a very stupid idea, but I wanted to. I wanted to sleep next to him and wake up in his bed in the morning. Even if it wasn't in the way I wished it could be. He just didn't want to be alone right now… and it wasn't in me to say no. He smiled at me again. A wide happy grin, and I returned it without thinking. Cursing myself for the millionth time, I undid my own jeans and let them drop before climbing on to the bed. We pulled back the covers and I moved to the left side. It was a hell of a lot better then the couch would have been that's for sure. Temperpedic mattresses were like heaven. I still hadn't gotten around to getting one yet. Someday though, I'd have one for sure. I settled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling.

A small contented sigh reached my ears, and I turned my head to glance over at the other man. He was closer then I'd expected. Less then a foot away, which made absolutely no sense. The bed was huge, could easily accommodate both of us if we were to spread out entirely. He was on his side, facing me. Deep chocolate orbs were half lidded and openly focused on me. I pushed the urge to squirm under the scrutiny away and arched an eyebrow. He smiled softly, "Thanks, G." He reached out and let a hand curl around my bicep, squeezing lightly. I nodded, "O' course Nicky. Sleep now, Kay?" His eyes fell closed, but he didn't move his hand. I didn't try to remove it, either. It was too nice. My own eyes fell shut, then.

I awoke to the feel of warmth surrounding me. I struggled for a moment to try and remember where I was, and more importantly whom I was with. A low, sensual and entirely male moan reached my ears. And in that moment a few very important details occurred to me. One, I was in Nick's bed. Two, he had an arm wrapped around me, holding me tightly to his very firm and oh so desirable body. We had somehow ended up spooning. Three, and most importantly… He was hard. There was no mistaking it, especially when he was thrusting himself against me. His face was buried in the back of my neck, and his hips moved slowly, fluidly. I swallowed thickly, suddenly unable to breathe.

This wasn't happening. It was out of the question to think otherwise. I was dreaming, had to be. No way could this be real. But it was, too real, in fact. His lips pressed against the flesh just under my hairline and he moaned again. I shut my eyes as I felt liquid heat pool low in my belly, the vibrations against my neck doing more for me then any woman ever had. And his body, the way he moved was so deliciously sinful. So good, and I wanted it. Never wanted him to stop, but this wasn't right. He was clearly asleep, and having a very good dream it would seem. I should wake him. Should pull away and go to the couch, or the bathroom. Something, anything but just lie there and let it continue.

I opened my mouth to call out to him, to hopefully wake him, but all that came out was a choked off moan. It seemed to please him, because he started rocking into me harder, faster. I tried again, "Nnnnaaa…. Ni-Nicky!" He groaned and gently nipped the back of my neck. An action that caused me to reflexively push back, trying to get closer. My neck always had been one of my weak spots. It's just my luck that he'd found it without even trying. The hand he'd had wrapped around me had made its way under my shirt. Almost burning my skin as it moved up my chest and he held me just a little bit tighter. I bit my lip and moved to capture the offending digits and pull them away so that I could get up. Too much, it was way too much to handle. He wouldn't let me go, though. His grip wasn't bruising but it was no use, I wasn't strong enough to dislodge him.

I was so panicked by this point that I was near tears. This was going too far. I had to stop it. If I didn't I might lose him, even as a friend. "N-Nick! Uhhhnnn… Sto-STOP!!!" It was not lost on me, the irony of the situation. This was exactly what I'd secretly wanted. What I'd never let myself think about beyond those nights alone in my room with nothing but my own hands. And I was getting it, but it wasn't right. This whole thing was just so very wrong. He still did not wake, even at my shouting. Instead, he started quietly whimpering and whispering words that I couldn't make out. Not at first, anyway. His body pushed against mine a little faster, his moans growing just a little bit louder. It was then that I'd heard him. "Pleeaaase… Mmmnnnn… Soo close… So gooood… Please… Please." It was almost too soft for me to make out, but I did.

And just like that, all of my struggling ceased in that very instant. I just… let go. 'Can't be helped' I thought, and I gave in. I held his hand close and pushed back against him to the rhythm that he'd set. My own pleasured sounds started to escape, the way he moved making my own lust spike. So very hot, the way he moved. Like a dancer, or a wild cat, maybe. I was close, too. As pathetic as I am, I was already near the brink and I hadn't even touched myself. I wouldn't either. The situation was already so messed up, and I felt like that would just make it worse.

He's trembling now, his breath heaving with the effort. It tickled my skin but it only heightened my pleasure, only made me pant with need. "Ni-Nicky… C-cum… Cum for me." Another gentle bite to the back of my neck, and a loud moan was breathed onto me while his hips slammed against me one last time, then stilled. Hot liquid seeped through his boxers and onto my back and I could feel him pulsing with every burst of his orgasm. I moaned and squirmed, still so very close, but unwilling to bring myself to that peak. Then, it was as if my silent pleas had been heard and answered. His hand slowly moved back down my chest and stomach, before moving even lower and lightly brushing over my aching need.

My vision swam, and my back bowed. The tightly wound coil in the pit of my stomach snapped. That was all it had taken. One small touch and I was falling. I knew I had moaned out his name brokenly, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I shut my eyes and rode out the pleasure, unable to do anything else. Had I been paying attention, I might have heard his contented sigh as he snuggled closer. Might have felt the small kiss that he dropped onto my abused neck. Might have heard him whisper my name. But alas, I was gone. Sleep claimed me once again not a moment later.

When I awoke the second time, it was to another surprise. It was sunset. I could tell because the black out curtains were pulled open. I blinked at the offending light and tried to shut it out. A minor headache was the only symptom of a hangover that I'd acquired as far as I could tell. That was good. Didn't want to have to deal with any nausea. It took me a minute, but when I went to stretch, I realized that my hands were pinned above my head. Frowning, I opened my eyes and there, leaning above me… no, holding me down, was Nick. Beautiful Nick, who was probably going to kill me.

I sighed and waited. If he did kill me, well, lets face it. I deserved it. He'd obviously been awake for some time. He was wearing clean pajama pants but forewent any shirt. His hair was wet, so it was clear that he'd showered not that long ago. His expression was blank, which I found to be rather odd, considering. It was another full minute at least before he spoke. "You're still here." The way he'd said it was a statement. But why did it feel more like a question? I arched a challenging brow and nodded slowly. "You're pinning me down. I can't exactly move to get up, now can I?" He tilted his head to the side and frowned lightly, but made no move to let me go.

"You… You didn't leave." It was my turn to frown. I didn't understand where he was going with this conversation, and it certainly wasn't what I'd expected to talk about. I sighed and spoke slowly, as if speaking to a dimwit. "I promised you I wouldn't. I keep my promises." His fingers flexed around my wrists, but it didn't bother me. In fact, I'm so twisted that I actually kind of enjoyed it. Really, it was just that he was touching me. I didn't care how or why. He bit his bottom lip and my eyes zeroed in on the action immediately. God forgive me, but he really is too damn irresistible.

"I meant after… After I, uh… Um…" He trailed off as his face went scarlet and he looked away. Now, I blame it on the fact that I had just woken up that it took me so long to figure out. But I didn't get what it was he was saying for a couple of long minutes. When it did finally click into place, my eyes went comically wide. "You… You were awake?!" Still, he didn't look at me. Merely nodded once and waited. For what, I didn't know. "Bullshit. There is no way that you were. You couldn't have been. You wouldn't have… No way." He looked back at me then and my mouth snapped shut instantly. All my doubts and disbelief were gone. Why, you ask? Because. Nick was crying. Not balling like a baby or anything. No loud sobs, but the hands that held me were trembling as a single tear slipped down his cheek.

"I'm… I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Greg." I worked my mouth open, but nothing came out at first, I was so stunned. Then, finally, my voice decided to work properly. "What? Why? No. Don't be. You didn't do anything…" He cut me off before I could finish. "You said to stop, Greg. You told me to stop. I wasn't asleep. I wasn't, and I may have been drunk but I knew what I was doing. I didn't… I didn't stop." I didn't mean to, but a small laugh slipped past my lips. I shook my head as he blinked down at me, fear etched all over his face. "It's okay, Nick. Really. I'm fine. You didn't hurt me, or anything. We're okay, I promise. We can just forget about it. All right?"

"No!" I blinked in surprise as he let go of one of my wrists to punch the mattress in his frustration. "No, G. I don't want to forget about it. I can't. How could I?" Another frown stole over my lips as I started getting irritated as well. "Why not? We can just go back to business as usual. I don't want this to fuck up our friendship or our professional lives. Why can't we just pretend it never happened, Nick? Give me one good god damned reason." Of all the things I would have thought we'd be talking about. Of all the accusations I'd thought could have been made; this was certainly not one of them. It wasn't like Nick raped me, or anything. Besides, he had just been drunk and horny and emotional. It made sense that he'd need to let off a little steam. I know that he's like the most straight-laced person ever, but he really hadn't done any harm.

I took a breath to calm myself and continued before he could speak. "Really. You have nothing to worry about. If it had seriously bothered me all that much I would have found a way to make you stop." And that made me bolt upright, nearly hitting Nick's chin with the top of my head in my surprise. Because it was true, I could have stopped Nick. If I'd really wanted to. But I hadn't, and saying that out loud gave away far more then I'd wanted him to know. I felt cornered all of a sudden. Like I couldn't breathe. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I ran.