3:05 AM. Restless.
Through a ghostly shadow my breath casts upon the mirror before me, I watch you sleep, chest rising and falling in a gentle rhythm, like clockwork. My mind reels to its tempo, a waltz of quiet desperation softly accompanying each heartbeat. Every passing minute counts down to that moment... that day in time I've willed to believe for so long to be a fluke... a lie. Never an absolute... not like it appears more and more to be with every passing day. You and I entered this world together. It is ours, and nobody should be able to come between us; this is what I want to be certain of. We're destined to leave as we entered, and I cannot bring myself to imagine life without you. You are my world, and I am yours. Nobody else belongs. That is how we've always been, and how it will always be, forever.
8:00 AM. Waking.
"Naa... Kaoru..." Your voice gently nudges at my unconscious mind, willing my eyes to open. For one sweet and fleeting moment, I believe I'm laying alongside you in our bed, peering into your tired amber eyes... till I pull away to see the smudge of my forehead upon the mirror, my own eyes blinking sluggishly in time with its reflection. The irony of the situation hits me then: for so long, he who is not me has been Hikaru, and he who is not Hikaru, myself... But now I'm lost. We are supposed to be two parts of one whole, but the world is changing too rapidly. You're leaving, bound for a place I cannot follow, leaving me with nothing but my own reflection (and such a sad one it is) to remember you by.
"The alarm..." Reality washes back over me with your gentle insistence. Yawning and wobbling to a stand, I cross the room as quick as my slightly-clumsy feet will carry me to tap the button on our alarm clock twice. Now seated upon my cool and undisturbed side of the bed, I wait with hope for you to wrap your arms sleepily around my neck and demand to know why I hadn't slumbered next to you... but it never comes.
"Shower..." You mutter emotionlessly, sliding away from our king-sized bed. I lean forward, watching my own toes curl into the plush rug near the bedside as the sound of your bare feet against the marble floor resonates against the walls and high ceiling of our room. Tap... tap... tap... More seconds passing. I'm blank in mind and expression as the door to our shared bathroom closes. Falling onto my back, I inhale the scent that is utterly you from the sheets tossed carelessly to the side, nuzzling against the plush comforter that still holds your body heat. How I wish it were you, I think to myself as I drift into a limbo between awake and asleep.
9:28 AM. Arrival.
"Haruhiiii!" Your voice is first to greet her as we enter through the doorway of our homeroom class at the last possible minute, as is per usual for us. Though I smile and offer my salutations to our favorite toy, I cannot help but allow one fleeting glance your way.
"Hikaru, try not to be so loud," she scolds after exchanging pleasantries with us, and it is now I notice that, for the first time this morning, your grin is genuine. Your eyes are youthful, the skin beneath them crinkling ever-so-slightly as the smile stretches across your face. My smile. The one I have been trying in vain to evoke all morning from you. Smirking to hide my jealousy, I sit in my usual desk and remove my notebook from my bag, eyeing the clock to see how close we came to being late. 30 seconds til 9:30, it says. Tick... tick... tick... As the late bell chimes, I can't help but think it's another 30 seconds with you I'll never have back.
2:13 PM. Pretending.
"You locked me out this morning," I say to you pathetically, my voice soft and shy as I offer you an apprehensive gaze at just the right moment. "I had to shower across the hall... You know how I hate that," I say, my eyes sad and lonely. Right on cue, you're looking at me, an arm around my waist, your free hand tangled carelessly in my hair.
"Kaoru," Your voice carries an urgent determination that I know deep down is a bit thick for the moment. You hold me to yourself. "I had to... The maids would have heard us, I'm sure of it. Tonight, though. If you promise to be quiet..." I initiate a perfectly-timed blush, pulling my head back to study your face. Your expression is nearly convincing head on, but your eyes lack sincerity. No one else will notice, of course, because no one else knows you like I do.
"Hikaru..." I sigh your name, staring longingly into your eyes. Our customers, as expected, are pleased. My acting is perfect. It's perfect... because it's not acting at all. Not really. I try desperately to will my feelings through my eyes, to speak to you in a way that only the two of us have ever been able to do, but for the first time, you're not listening to me. Your mind is elsewhere. Our act complete, I sigh inwardly as I lay my head back upon your chest. Your heart beats steadily as I feel your head turn away briefly. Your pulse quickens, and though I am none too surprised to note this given the direction of your glance, I cannot stop myself from becoming envious of Haruhi as you gaze upon her. Thump, thump, thump... moments slipping through my fingers, erratic breathing and racing heartbeat I only wish I could inspire from you.
8:38 PM. Desperate.
Eleven pages of Japanese literature left to read; it's a story I'd normally be interested in, but tonight, I just can't bring myself to keep focused for more than a minute at a time. My mind is an ocean, and I'm drifting away in its thoughts.
"Hikaru," I can't stop myself from calling out to you. The steady clicking noise eliciting from your handheld game slows to a stop, the calm and floating symphony replacing itself with a plinky little melody as you bring the tiny world to a pause. I watch you as your eyes seek mine out, your body laying across my end of the bed, head dangling upside down over the edge. I laugh to myself- such a thing would have given me a headache almost instantly. Leaning back upon the two hind legs of my chair, I smile, happy to have your attention, if only for a small length of time.
"What about the shower you promised me?" Suddenly, your gaze is serious, almost scrutinizing. I offer you my sincere eyes, and wait breathlessly. Without warning, the room fills with your laughter.
"Ahahahaha! Kaoru! Baka! I thought you were serious at first!" you call out, rolling around, strewing our bedcovers messily. For once, I'm glad you're not looking at me; the tears of hilarity in your eyes make it easier for me to hide my ashamed blush. Quickly shaking it off, I offer a grin back at you, forcing laughter from my diaphragm, hoping against hope it'll keep my insides from falling in on themselves as they want so badly to do.
"H-hah! You're the idiot, Hikaru... You should have seen the look on your face!" I cackle, tears of my own pouring down my cheeks. Oh how thankful I am that we have chosen laughter to share just now, or else you'd know the real emotion behind my wet eyes. Keeping a smile plastered upon my face, I lean back over my desk space, sliding my fingers through my hair and pretending to read as I grip at it, pulling with such force that I cannot focus on anything but the physical pain. It's distracting... but not as distracting as the music from your video game. With a start, I realize the melody that has been dancing through my head all day as I think of you is the game's main theme. Each lilt of the synthesizer marks another second, bleeding into the stale air like the music itself, that I'll never recapture.
12:00 AM. Destiny.
Moonlight floods the room. I'm becoming more familiar with its look at night as you sleep. You'll never know what keeps me up like this, because you'll never ask, and until you recognize the look in my eyes, I'll never tell. ...I shouldn't have to say anything, Hikaru. Why can't you see it? Why don't you know? I want you to be happy... but I don't want to let go of you. We entered this world together; you can't leave me! The expression of your face as you sleep... the glow of the moonlight on your pale skin... the sound of your deep breathing... the beat of your heart at rest... nobody should know these things but me! I don't want to share you; I don't want you to go away! Please, Hikaru! Why can't you feel these things? Why won't you listen to the words I can't say?
I'm crying. It's silent, and it's just a bit, but it's enough. It hurts Hikaru. I'd give anything to have you notice... but you won't. You won't, because it's Haruhi you love... Not-
"Kaoru...?" Your voice. The world stands still for you. I can't think. I can't breathe. Your eyes are in mine, tired, but open, and concerned. Concerned, for the first time in days, for me.
"Kaoru, why are you crying?" I'm tired, Hikaru. I'm tired, I'm scared, I miss you, I'm lonely... I'm selfish, I don't want you to leave me, please don't leave me, not even if I give you the chance. Not ever.
Your arms are around me now. Before I can even open my mouth to make a sound, your lips are against my cheek, gently kissing away my tears. Your eyes are sympathetic.
"Go to sleep..." I hear you say after a moment, laying your head just above mine on my pillow. You're calm and warm. I feel safe, held close to you like this, where I belong. For now, I'll listen to you. As things slow, exhaustion begins to take me over. I can hear you breathing... I can feel your heartbeat against my ear. Clocks ticking, footsteps, music playing... every second that passes is another counting down to that moment in our lives when we'll have to move on, not as twins, not as the Hitachiin brothers, but as Hikaru and Kaoru: two men, forever separated. But for now, I'm okay. Because I know you're here... and that you'll never completely leave me. The words resonate in my head, sung in tune to our waltz, brought to life by the rhythms that make up our moments together: Destiny has made it so we'll separate someday, but even if she takes you, she'll never have my love for you. That's all I need.