I hope this is ok. The style may be a little different / odd for me because I handwrote it and then typed it up. This is a one-shot but I am kinda tempted to continue it (sort of) as a series of one shots. As usual I love reviews but am thankful to anyone who reads :)
The baby was crying. Her face red and angry and no matter what Jonny tried she just would not settle. In desperation, he'd push her to work in the hope that a cuddle from Mo would calm her – given his nieces had always loved her. It hadn't worked and now he was pacing an empty side room with her, still screaming, in his arms.
"I'm sorry I've been so useless" he whispered in to her curly hair. His reason for agreeing to babysit had been rather selfish. He'd been in a funk for so many weeks, and he'd hoped a few hours with his favourite niece would draw him out of it. Instead he'd struggled to find enthusiasm even when she'd shown off her recently acquired standing skills.
"You know I love you" he added quietly, rocking her body. The baby was his min0-me and he'd felt a special connection with her from very early on. Of Erin's three daughters, Laurena was definitely something special; not least because she was a fully fledged human rather than part Tasmanian devil like the twins.
"What is going on in here" His head shot up at the sound of Jac storming in. Just before the door slammed shut, he caught sight of Mo giving him an apologetic smile. Jac gave Jonny a sharp look "You aren't even supposed to be here today"
"Nice to see you too" He said sarcastically. He hated that things were this way between then. When Tara had died, he'd hoped their relationship would improve but he'd now written that night off as a mistake although it pained him to do so.
"This is no place for a screaming child" she told him sharply. The sight of him cradling the screaming bundle tore at her a little. There was just something about a man with a baby.
"I know that" he spoke bitterly but she did notice the tender way he rubbed at the baby's back. "But I was desperate and I thought maybe a cuddle with Auntie Mo would calm her – she likes Mo"
"Obviously" Jac's voice was dripping with sarcasm, but there was a part of her which was curious as to who this child actually was. All Jac could tell was that she appeared to have Jonny's curly hair.
"And you think you'd do better" He countered and she felt her mind pulling her back to that day outside of theatre, the words he'd said and how everything good had shattered in an instant leaving only pain and sadness behind.
"No" she answered watching him closely. He was moving closer to her and she stepped back. She didn't want to hold the child, but he was advancing on her.
"You scared?" he challenged. They both wondered for a moment why their relationship had changed to something which now only seemed to involved point scoring. She knew there were words he was leaving unsaid, words which related back to what he'd said to her that day.
"No" she repeated, feeling trapped by him and the screaming little banshee, "I can't" she added quietly and watched as he rolled his eyes. She didn't want to tell him why, she just wanted out of that room. He moved closed too her, noticing for the first time the trapped look in her eyes and the pain behind it.
"Hold her" he commanded pulling Laurena away from his body, exposing her angry, red, tearstained face. Jac shook her head but he ignored her instead pushing the baby against her body. Jac felt her arms wrap themselves instinctively around the child, her little body hot against Jac's and her tears soaking through the material of her top.
Jac shifted the weight of the baby slightly in her arms, her heart racing in her chest. She'd spent weeks avoiding contact with small people though they seemed to be everywhere around her, everywhere there were either babies or bumps. The baby hiccoughed a little and gently Jac rubbed her back, rocking the little body.
"Hush now baby" Jac whispered in to the baby's ear, leaning down to breath in the baby's scent. The baby's screams lessened and her breathing became steadier. Jac felt tears fill her eyes. In the hope of distracting herself, she tried to study the baby's features but she found herself looking in to a miniature version of Jonny's face and that tore the breath from her lungs.
"How?!" Jonny exclaimed, wondering if perhaps he had gone deaf as a result of the screaming that had assaulted her ears for so long. Jac's head snapped up, she'd almost forgotten her was there.
"Why didn't you tell me about her?" She asked, sounded a little hurt. She obviously wasn't the only one keeping secrets. She found herself swaying a little and she sat back on the chair behind her, still cradling the baby close to her.
"What?" he responded, feeling a bit confused. This hadn't gone as he'd expected. But he had to admit there was something natural about seeing her with a babe in arms. She suited it and it gave her a softer quality about her.
"That you have a daughter" She spat at him though she was careful not to raise her voice, "is that that only important when it suits? I guess it explains why you couldn't settle her and ran to Mo" Jac looked down at the little face, now much more peaceful. She was studying Jac's face and smiling up at her.
"You think she's my daughter?!" Jonny sounded amused but he was also a hurt that Jac thought he could be that type of dad – although looking back he had reacted badly when she had been late. He sighed, they were both making stupid assumptions about the other.
"She's practically a clone of you" Jac whispered. She'd dreamed of having a child like this, a mini version of him – although she hadn't quite envisioned the screaming.
"Laurena's my niece" he told her softly, watching as the baby laced her fingers through Jac's, she was utterly content in the consultant's arms. He saw the sadness flicker across Jac's face, and how tears had started to slip down her cheeks.
"I can't do this" she whispered, her arms wrapped tightly around Lauren. Jonny knelt in front of her concerned. "Take her please" she begged softly though her arms didn't relax their hold at all. Jonny manouvered his arms through Jac's and around Laurena's body, slowly disentangling the baby from Jac's grasp.
"No!" Laurena fought against Jonny. Her little hands gripping at Jac's, her legs kicking out. When Jonny had he free, he held her writhing body against his. He stood slowly and turned away from Jac slowly walking towards the door. As he reached for the handle, he heard the sob that was torn from her body; a sob which broke his heart a little. He turned back only to confronted by her body folded up in the chair, her face contorted with pain and sadness.
"Jac" He whispered softly, and she turned her face away from him, pushing it in to the chair.
"Just go" she spoke hoarsely, a slight hitch to each word. He moved back towards her, crouching carefully down with Laurena still in his arms.
"Tell me what's wrong" he spoke quietly and she turned back to him, her eyes red and face pale. He wondered how he had failed to notice how fragile she was looking.
"Nothing" she answered, trying to smile bravely. Laurena turned herself in Jonny's arms and Jac found herself staring in to two pairs of concerned Maconie eyes.
"Even Ren doesn't believe that" Jonny told her gently and Jac raised her eyebrow
"No" Laurena confirmed, grinning up at her uncle. He smiled back down at her and Jack felt more than a little bit outnumbered. She sighed, watching as Laurena stretched out her arms towards Jac. Jac obliged, as having the weight and comfort of Laurena in her arms could distract her from the words she'd have say.
"So?" Jonny asked softly, watching as Laurena settled against Jac's body entwining her fingers in Jac's and closing her eyes. Jac took a deep breath, feeling the steady rise and fall of Laurena's breathing against her body.
"Do you remember when I left theatre – just before I had food poisoning?" She spoke quietly watching as his mind tried to settle on the memory. It was just over three months ago now and so much had happened since then. But the memories were still clear in both of their heads.
"I didn't have food poisoning. I had to have a lap done" She tried to speak clinically but her emotions were breaking through. "They diagnosed me with endometriosis" She couldn't at him when she said the words instead she studied the tiny hands which were tangled up with her own.
"Why didn't you say?" He spoke quietly. He hated the idea of her coping with this alone. He remembered the pain she had been in and to think she'd been hiding the fact it was still plaguing her broke him.
"The day I found out was the day we" she froze. How could she describe what had happened that shift. It was such a mix of events but the realisation of when dawned on him and he recoiled slightly.
"I didn't mean, I didn't know" Unfinished sentences danced around his head. If he'd known things could have been so different. It was a fact that saddened them both.
"I know but" she paused, stroking the soft skin of Laurena's cheek "We both said stupid things that day"
"You know I didn't mean it though?" He voice was pleading and she turned to look at him. He was sweet. He was still undamaged by her, still the good man she'd met all the months ago – the compulsive liar as he'd called himself.
"A part of you did, in that moment" She whispered and he frowned. Maybe he had but he hadn't realised how much it had hurt her, or the damage that his words could cause.
"A small part of me, in the heat of the moment" he confirmed and she gave him a very small, sad smile.
"But you were right. Look at me, I'm not mother material. I'm damaged and broken. There's something so inherently wrong with me that the universe has conspired to make it harder for me to conceive – even if I could find a man stupid enough to want to procreate with me"
"Don't call me stupid" he whispered and she looked up surprised. He leant up and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"I'll only end up hurting you" she frowned, why couldn't she just let herself have change of happiness? Laurena shifted in her arms.
"We'll work through it" He smiled.
"And if I can't give you a family – a little Laurena of our own?" She looked down at the sleeping child, wondering how it would feel if she were her own.
"We'll work something out" he grinned cheekily "Laurena's mum also has twins who she'd gladly loan to us for the next 14 years or so and I have other nieces and nephews I'm sure we can borrow to practice on. You don't mind mess do you?" Jac laughed a little and he raised an eyebrow. "I'm not kidding, Ren's the zen child"
"We're really going to try this aren't we?" She asked softly. He grinned.
"No sweetheart" Her face fell a little unsure "we are going to do this" he stressed each word and she smiled. He stretched up and pulled her in to his arms, Laurena squished between them. Suddenly he felt a little bit thankful for the screaming fit – although his ears were still buzzing. Perhaps it had been her goal all along – to draw him and Jac together – after all he and Lauren did have a special connection.