The dawn was Angel's favorite time of day. It represented the start of something new.
The darkness of the night retreating…the sky having a soft, calm glow to it. It all seemed so peaceful. The cool, fresh air certainly helped matters.
What really amazed Angel was how refreshingly quiet it was. The early morning served as the great escape from the usual busy pace of the city. If he tried hard enough, Angel could shut his eyes and pretend he was the only person on earth…that's how quiet it was. He felt alone, but not even close to lonely…he adored being out here to collect his thoughts.
Taking a deep breath, Angel let it out slowly. He began to feel that usual optimism and anticipation swell within him. He grinned, feeling grateful to be alive.
I wonder what will happen today? What am I going to do?
Angel's grin grew larger. The answer to that question was simple.
…Enjoy the company of Collins and the gang, of course!
Angel loved his friends. They were his family. He felt responsible for their happiness and felt confident that he could rely on them whenever he wanted. He felt blessed to have such amazing, loving people in his life.
Though, in the very back of his mind, Angel could feel a far off sense of terror as he thought about their situation. As silly as it sounds, he almost wanted to run so it couldn't get him….
Now the anger flooded his mind. And with it came this heavy, overwhelming sense of sadness. His mind began racing…
We are dirt poor. We are looked down upon by most of society. Half of us are dying from disease…
It was dangerous to admit to these feelings, because then they had the potential of overwhelming you. Angel did not want to break or crack. He did not want to be destroyed like so many people he knew. He swallowed hard, determined to snap himself out of this.
Don't think about it. Don't wallow in self pity. The good is there…you know it is. Focus on the positive…
This particular mood swing was more relentless than most, unfortunately. It continued to hold Angel in its grasp, draining him. He could feel his chest tighten with emotion…with panic. Angel wanted to scream the nausea and the dizziness away.
He didn't, of course. Instead, he reached up…gripping onto the railing of the fire escape with shaking hands. With his heart pounding and tears threatening to spill over, he mentally told himself to calm down over and over again.
It didn't work. Angel couldn't shake this feeling of doom.
Still hanging onto the railing with white knuckled hands, Angel cautiously peered over it. His breath caught in his throat...he was utterly transfixed by the pavement below….
It looked rather inviting.
Angel shuddered and pushed himself back, letting go of the railing in the process. Backing away, he stood on the fire escape for a moment. He felt shaken and disgusted with himself. He wanted to think about it more…to try and determine why he was feeling so awful. But…
Not out here. It's not safe here…
Angel turned around, slipping back inside the apartment through the window. Already his mood was beginning to lighten. He was not feeling as scared as he had before. Something else began to take over. Numbness? It wasn't happiness yet. Maybe it was relief…relief over making the right, strong decision. He was still alive, after all.
As he shut the window, he noted how quiet the apartment was. Collins was still asleep.
Good. I don't want him to know about this. I don't want him to worry…
Finally, Angel's mood swung back into a more positive light. He began feeling like he usually did…hopeful. He thought about his friends once again.
As long as we band together, we'll be okay. We must remain happy and strong…
Angel realized that he almost had no choice. For him, it felt like a 'do or die' situation. If he didn't focus on the positive, he wouldn't stand a chance at surviving. He would fall apart, lose himself, and eventually end up like April. Angel did not want that to happen to himself or to anyone he cared about. He couldn't let that happen.
Choosing to remain optimistic in the most desperate of situations is a sign of strength. It's also a wonderful feeling. It's as if you're flying…
Just don't look down.
THE END
A/N: LOL! That totally didn't turn out like I wanted it to. I was trying to show that Angel was walking a fine line between total strength and utter madness…and that it's better to continue to be strong, rather than let the terrors you face in life overwhelm you.