Disclaimer: Not Mine.
A/N: I've had this part written for a while now, and I just decided I really needed to get on and write it. So, it didn't pan out like I intended it too, but never mind. I liked the first four pages of angst. It was good, something different to my usual bucket of fluff...Personally I think the convo's a lil' weak, but heh.
Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city's still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost
She consumed him. She consumed him from miles away. He no longer knew exactly where she was, but she still had a strong hold on him, she controlled his life. Not a day went past that she wasn't in his thoughts. He thought about her every minute of every damn day. Some day's it was so bad he could barely operate. He would be prepping for surgery, cleaning his hands and arms, and he would think of watching her in the water. The way her head rose above the surface, water dripping from her nose and chin, that bashful smile upon her face, as her curls hung limp around her face. He'd be slicing his patient open and he'd think about what it would be like if it was her lying on the table, if it was her wheeled past him on his way out; if it was their child he'd had to save. Every time he stitched a patient closed, he'd remember their first meeting. The way she'd stepped out of the jungle, her curls big and wild and her slightly startled look as he'd asked if she could sew. He remembered her asking if he had a colour preference, if the memories of her didn't hurt so much he probably would have smiled.
Jack stared down hard at the ice in his glass of whiskey, if he stared long enough he could see them melting. He tapped the side of the glass, and moved it slightly from side to side and watched as the water swirled. Like a whirlpool. Like Kate did, one time on the sand.
It was quite a way out from camp, a secluded part of the beach. They'd really just stumbled upon it; they'd been walking, just spending time together, talking, laughing and sometimes kissing. She'd had that wild, crazy look in her eyes, he'd eyed her curiously, eyebrows raised and she threw her head back in laughter.
"You're crazy…" He'd said softly.
She flashed a real, bright smile. "And you love it." She cocked her head to the side, and studied him curiously. "Jack?" She'd asked.
"No."
"What? I didn't even finish asking you a question." She'd pouted.
"Whatever it is, no." He shook his head and smiled at her.
"Don't you ever…just want to let loose, do something fun? Don't you want to get away from the stress of it all?" She'd asked, smiling up at him sweetly.
"Hmm…I know that look." He'd pointed to her. "No, I'm quite fine…"
"Aww…you're no fun." She took a step backwards, a firm grasp on his hand.
"I'm fun." He'd said and she'd looked at him like he was mad. "I am fun Kate. I'm just more normal."
She shook her head and pulled him off closer to the sea.
"Spin with me?" She'd asked smiling brightly.
"Huh?" He'd asked, confused.
"You know…" She stepped backwards, threw out her arms and spun around, real fast. She laughed wildly like a small child, and Jack couldn't stop the smile from breaking out across his face. He was so used to a tense Kate, one that didn't laugh as much as she should, one that didn't have fun, a Kate that stared out into the wide ocean her green eyes glazed over. He'd had to catch her as she collapsed into him, her mind dizzy from all the spinning.
Jack brought the glass to his lips and gulped down the burning liquid furiously. He wanted to shake himself of her. Forget her and everything she made him feel. But he couldn't. She was always there, always in his mind…lingering in the corner, taunting him, teasing him and smirking at him. It was like some sick game. He wanted to surrender, give up, tell her that she'd won and she should leave him alone.
Except…that's what started this whole thing, wasn't it? They'd been off the island just over a year, and she'd been living with him, in his house for two months. They hadn't kept her in jail long. They'd finally believed her, and shortened the time she owed for her other, minor in comparison, offences due to spending time on a primitive island. Those two months had been bliss, just like he'd dreamt they would be. And then she left, with no warning. He came home from work, and she was sat on the couch, her bag by her side, a letter in her hand. She'd said "I'm sorry Jack.", kissed him, told him that she loved him, but she needed to leave. He didn't understand, and she couldn't explain.
She'd sent three letters since then. The last two she'd mentioned things about Sawyer. She was staying with him, and Jack thought, that maybe, she was with him. They'd had a connection on the island, not like her and Jack…but they'd had something. It was clear Sawyer had wanted her. Jack was jealous as hell, his Kate was somewhere else, with another man and it burned.
He thought about finding out where Sawyer was, his phone number, something, anything, anything that would lead him to Kate. His eyes closed slowly as he thought about seeing her again, listening to her talk, her laugh, watching her smile, watching that gleam in her eyes, feeling her in his arms, feeling her body against his. He'd give pretty much anything to have her again.
He loved her; he spent every waking minute loving her. Loving someone he wasn't with, someone he wasn't near. Loving someone a million miles away. The sad thing was, there were some days he really hated her. Hated her for leaving, for not giving him a reason, hated her for staying with Sawyer, hated her for making him love her, hated her for living him lost and alone. He hated her because he missed her, and it was his fault that he felt so wretched.
"Damn it Katie." He whispered angrily as he placed his glass down on the table beside him. Tonight, no amount of alcohol would lessen his pain or bring her back. Another sleepless, Kateless night was staring him in the face, and that thought made him physically angry, like he needed to kick or punch something, because nothing, nothing could help him when he felt like this…except for her.
He needed to find a way to move on, he needed to forget her, he needed to let go. He'd never been good at letting go, just like she'd always been good at running; he'd always been crap at letting go. Oh, how he wished he could just up and leave, if only it wasn't as simple as that. He wished he was brave enough to run after the one thing he truly believed him. It was too late now, it was too fucking late. Of course it was. It always was by the time he realised what he should have done. It was a flaw in his personality, and he hated it with a passion. He knew he should have argued more, put up a fight, told her to stay. He knew he should have run after her when she didn't. He knew he shouldn't of let her feel like that in the first place, like she had to leave.
Perhaps they were only ever good for island love. Perhaps they'd never have been able to stay together in reality. But that was only a maybe, and maybe wasn't good enough, he needed to know, he needed the 100 certainty that things would or wouldn't work out. It wasn't like surgery where there was only an 80 chance that someone would live. No, this was different. This was his life, and his Kate. And he knew, if there was even the tiniest chance that something could change, if he ever saw her again then by god would he try.
Jack sighed heavily as he turned to look out of the window, the city lights poured in through the clear glass windows, and at the right angle they could almost blind him. The passing of cars caused light to flash past him, and he hoped, and wished so badly that one of those cars could be hers. He hoped that one of the voices, one of the laughs he could her in the distance was hers. He hoped she'd return to him. He needed her like he needed air.
Jack rose from his chair, and crossed the room glass in hand, with his head hung low, and his shoulders hunched. He walked into the kitchen and poured the dark liquid down the sink and placed the glass in the dishwasher. He shook his head as he flicked off the lights and made his way towards his bedroom.
He thought about how great it would be if it was a pair of wine glasses he'd placed in the machine, one of them his, the other hers. He thought about how he'd be feeling if he knew she was in there, his bedroom, sitting, waiting for him. Waiting for him so that she could finally sleep peacefully, or so that they could share that shower he was headed into. Or just waiting so she could show of some new lingerie that she knew he'd love and relish in stripping it from her. He thought about the way he wanted to, needed to kiss her. He thought about how he'd touch her, how he wanted her to touch him. He thought about all the things he wanted to do with and to her. He let out a small smile at the x-rated thoughts, and immediately felt angry with himself that he would ever let himself think of her like that now.
After returning to his bedroom after his cold shower he hoped, like every night, that he'd wake up in the morning finally feeling acceptance over he leaving. But somehow, he knew that like every other morning, he'd wake up still missing her, still aching for her, still loving her.
Jack collapsed onto the bed, all he wanted to do at that minute was to fall asleep and completely forget about absolutely everything that had happened since the day before she left. That way, he could fool himself, just a little longer, that she would still be here when he woke up.
Just as Jack was feeling settled, feeling more relaxed, the doorbell rang. Oh, he'd love it if it was her standing on the other side of the door. He wouldn't let himself get his hopes up; it was probably a stupid prank. Who on earth would be ringing his doorbell at this hour?
Jack moved towards the door in just a pair of sweatpants, he tiredly ran a hand through his hair and sighed before opening the door slightly.
His jaw dropped slightly, and his chest tightened as he saw a head of dark hair, when he'd opened the door a slither. Recognising the way the hair curled he threw the door open and stood, absolutely gob smacked at the sight before him.
There, smiling through her tears, in all her beauty, was the love of his life. He let out the smallest of laughs and smiled faintly at her. It was her, she was here, and maybe she was back. For good this time. It was his girl, his Kate.
"Kate?" He finally broke the somewhat awkward silence between them.
"Hi." She managed to say as her stomach fluttered, and tears slipped from her eyes. She shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry."
Jack stepped backwards and allowed her to step inside, he gestured towards the living room, and she followed behind him.
"Oh God, Jack, I'm so, so sorry." She stared at him almost like her eyes could set fire to his skin; it was such an intense stare.
He avoided her eyes and looked out towards the window. He remembered how he'd felt earlier, he'd been going through hell, missing her. And now she was finally here, he couldn't help but feel slightly angry.
"Yeah well…" He started, and finally looked at her, a cold, distant look in his eyes.
"I really am sorry Jack, you know I didn't want to leave, I just didn't know what to do."
"Could have fooled me." He sighed. "It seemed like you knew just what to do when you walked out…" He then mentally added 'And stomped all over my heart.'
The hurt look in her eyes broke him, his expression softened and he felt weaker, because of her.
"Why Kate?" He said softly. "Why? Why did you leave, leave me?"
Kate sat down beside him and looked him in the eyes. "I didn't know what else to do."
He looked at her sadly, begging her to continue.
"I didn't want to go. I was stupid and foolish, I realise now, and I wish I could take it back. I really do. Things were going really well, things were pretty much perfect. I loved it." She smiled. "I'd never been happier."
"So you left? You left because things were perfect, and we were happy. Were things too good?" He asked trying to understand her, needing to understand her and have her here with him.
"I don't know maybe. I was left because I was scared." She admitted and looked to the floor.
"Of…of me?" He asked hesitantly.
"No, of course not. I scared myself, with all my feelings. Things were so intense, being so happy and feeling so…in love, it just didn't feel right. I don't deserve all that, or at least, I don't think I do. I didn't think I deserved you, to be loved by you. You were so good to me; I don't know how to thank for everything, all your support. I knew things would end up badly, either I'd hurt you, or you'd hurt me. I didn't want that. I thought…I thought if I stopped it then, then it wouldn't hurt so much…I really didn't know what to do, I freaked out, and I did the worst thing I should have and the one thing I knew how to do. I ran…I ran because I couldn't cope with being so happy. It sounds stupid I know, and it's probably no excuse, but I couldn't understand why you were with me, how we could be so happy, how you could be…with me. And I just…I don't know why I did it…I really wish I hadn't…" Kate sighed and watched him for a moment.
"You meant the world to me, and I loved what we had. And I completely ruined it, just because I was freaking out a little." She said as she looked down sadly.
"You could have spoken to me." Jack finally said.
"I know that now. But…at the time, I was too afraid. I thought you'd think that I was weird and stupid. I thought that you'd…I don't know, treat me differently, leave me…" Kate sighed.
"I wouldn't have." Kate said nothing to that. "I wouldn't have, because sometimes my feelings scared me, they still do. You shouldn't have run, you shouldn't have left me, you really shouldn't have. You should have stayed. We could have talked and worked things out."
"I know, and I'm sorry."
"It's ok…at least now I can try and understand. Before, I got kind of angry at times. I didn't understand how you could just leave like that…" He shook his head.
"I just hope you don't hate me now…" She said sadly.
"I couldn't hate you even if I tried Kate." He said and she smiled at him weakly. "A…are you…did you just come back to apologise?" He asked her, having to know if she came back because she needed him too.
"I don't know." Kate shrugged. "I missed you…" She looked into his warm brown eyes and could tell that he still wanted her, he was looking at her in that way. She bit her lip and waited in anticipation for an answer.
"You know…I missed you too. These past few months…they've been pretty hard…"
"You've no idea…it took a lot of courage to come back here. And I'm sorry if you didn't want to see me, but, I needed to talk to you, I thought I owed you that much. The truth." Kate said softly.
Jack stood up and walked towards the window and then turned back to Kate who was eyeing him curiously.
"Well…if that's all you were here for…you should probably leave." He hung his head and waited to hear her footsteps as she made her way to the door. When he didn't he looked back up. "You're not leaving?" He asked hopefully.
"I wasn't intending to…not unless you want me to. I didn't come all this way just to say good bye again. I don't want that, and I don't think you do either…"
"No…" Jack walked half way towards the sofa. "I never wanted you to leave…I'm sorry I didn't run after you, I should have."
"It's okay that you didn't." Kate shook her had and smiled softly. "I probably wouldn't have come back; I think I needed the space, needed to get a little perspective on this. Think about things." She smiled and stood up.
"Yeah? Did it help much?" He asked with a smile.
"Oh, I think so…wouldn't be back here if not now, would I?" She asked playfully as she took a step towards him.
"No; what did you think?" He asked, eyebrows raised, as he took another step closer.
"Now that, doctor, would be telling." She cocked her head to the side and grinned.
"Ouch." He whispered as she stepped closer again. "So, really not telling, huh?"
"Oh, I don't know, I'm sure I could be persuaded…" She grinned suggestively. She took another step towards him.
"Hmm, sounds like a challenge, Miss Austen…" He smiled widely, for the first time in months.
"You up for the challenge?" She asked.
"You've obviously missed a lot…I'm always up for a challenge." He smiled as she smirked at him.
"Cocky little thing, aren't we?" She said and turned away from him, as she took a step away, he grabbed her wrist and turned her back around.
"I am not little…in any way." He said firmly and she laughed slightly.
"Now that…I remember." She spoke quietly as he pulled her towards him.
"So…" Jack started.
"So…" Kate echoed and smiled at him, as he extended his free arm towards her.
"I was just wondering…" He said softly.
"Hmm…" She sighed and softly closed her eyes as his hand caressed her cheek. When he didn't reply she opened her eyes and saw him watching her, obviously enjoying her reaction. Kate smirked. "Wondering what? If you could…kiss…me?" Kate whispered.
"Not exactly…but, I'll take it…" He said quietly, as his hand released her wrist and rested on her hip, pulling her a little bit closer. Her hands moved up to his shoulders, and snaked around his neck. He then ducked down to tenderly kiss her.
After he drew away, she smiled at him, still in his arms.
"Now that's why I came back…" She quipped.
"I should hope so." He smiled peacefully as his thumb stroked her hip. She leant up to kiss him again softly. "Because…you know, I missed this…and I'd really hate you to leave again without a reminder…" He said softly.
"Is…is…is it okay if I stay for a while? I don't think I want to leave, not now anyways…"
"How could I say no?" He asked her with a smile as he kissed her forehead. "You know…you're still my everything…"
"I am?" she asked pleasantly surprised.
"Don't sound so shocked." He hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear. "Is it wrong to still love you?"
Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. "I hope not Jack…I hope not. I'm still crazy about you…"
"About me huh? Or just in general?" He asked laughing slightly.
"Oi you!" She hit his chest lightly. "You know I still love you too, I wouldn't have come back to you if I didn't…"
"In that case," He said loosening his grip on her, and stepping to the side. "I think I'll continue to do so." He then wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her hair.
"I'm glad." She said yawning slightly.
"So…bed?" He asked her already walking her out of the room.
"Yeah, bed…haven't slept in days…" She said as she leant into him.
"You will tonight." He said firmly, yet lovingly.
"I know." Kate replied as they entered the bedroom, and kicked it shut behind them.
And both of them knew, that that night would be different to all the others. Kate would be able to sleep, because she was back with the man she loved, she was back, she was home. And Jack was happy because he could finally rest peacefully; he could pull her close and hold her as she slept, just to make sure. He was finally happy, because he knew he would wake up in the morning, and she would still be there.
A/N: Hmm, well, this wasn't meant to be that long. Then again, it was also supposed to be more angsty oh well. I was craving some Jate fluff, and I guess it just wrote itself huh…Review if you will.