Author's Note: For those about to embark on this journey I offer the two usual warnings. First this is a side fic of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" and if you haven't read that you'll be dreadfully confused. Second, this is NOT CANON.
For Kim Possible, average teenage girl, it was your more or less average Tuesday school night. That is, after jumping on a plane thanks to a favor she'd done for bush pilot Ritchie when she'd saved his village from giant man-eating mutant tigers, she was in the Caribbean not enjoying a day at the beach and night under the stars but instead storming Drakken's newest evil layer.
"How does he have this much money?" Ron asked, ducking lasers and crying out in terror as usual while Rufus quivered with him, "I mean, really, didn't we just wreck one of these places last week and he's already got another one?"
"I don't know, Ron," Kim said as with her handy compact mirror she redirected the lasers towards Drakken's equipment, "It's not really a priority right now."
"Yeah, I mean, obviously we know the Senior Seniors are the ones with enough money to buy themselves into being big bads. But this guy? How is he paying for all of this?" Ron said, motioning over towards the blue Drakken just as Shego ducked around a corner with green glowing hands promising something truly unpleasant.
As much as Kim hated Drakken, she really hated Shego.
Honestly, Kim did not understand why someone of Shego's terrifying competence even bothered to work with Drakken.
"Honestly," Shego said as she spotted Drakken getting into a catfight again with Ron, "Sometimes, I don't even know why I work for you."
"I don't know why you keep trying these evil schemes," Kim bit out as she dodged Shego's punches, "When they never work!"
Sure, Kim liked her job as much as anyone else, but she'd kill for a weekday in her own home country every once in a while. Really, was that too hard for Drakken? To maybe give Kim one or two weeks off from his constant attempts at world domination?
"Ah ha!" Drakken cried with his usual melodramatic glee, "But you're wrong, Kim Possible!"
"Oh, how am I wrong?" Kim asked as she finally managed to get a good hit in and knock Shego back.
Probably because Shego was just as distracted and dubious of that statement as Kim was, "Yeah, how is she wrong? Not gonna lie, we've been through this song and dance before."
"You do something evil, I always find out about it, storm whatever evil layer you've built, blow up your lab, and then go home," Kim pointed out, throwing her hands to the side, "What's different this time?"
"This time, I've gotten to the heart of the problem!"
"You're still monologuing though," Ron pointed out, ducking his head out from a pile of boxes he'd been tossed into.
"I am still monologuing, but it really isn't an evil scheme without a good explanation and—" he stopped, winced and vibrated with irritation, then said, "That's not the point! The point is that I have pinpointed the one obstacle that prevents me from accomplishing anything."
"Is it your skin?" Ron asked, "You're alarmingly blue."
"No!" Drakken shouted, then motioned towards Kim, "It's Kim Possible! Everywhere I turn, everything I do, she's right there thinking she's all that—"
"You kind of just admitted she's all that," Ron pointed out, never knowing when to shut up as usual (but then that was kind of why Kim brought him along, aside from being a great distraction he provided the best commentary).
"But if I remove Kim Possible, then the world becomes my oyster!" Drakken exclaimed with glee.
"That's great," Kim said, "And how exactly are you going to manage that?"
"By replacing Kim Possible with something impossible!" he said, chuckling at his own terrible pun while he held a remote control towards her, "If I can't deal with this Kim Possible, I'll simply replace her with some other Kim."
"You've got to be kidding me," Kim said.
She'd heard a lot of really dumb evil villain schemes. She'd been there for the debut of Senior Senior Senior as well as Senior Senior Junior not to mention every one of Drakken's dud plans. Kim had been there and dumb that.
This one though, this one had to be some new kind of record.
Kim prepared herself to jump, eyes focusing on the giant laser head now aimed right for her. Drakken pushed the button, she jumped out of the way, but as she did she heard Ron shouting, "KP!"
The laser head was a decoy, the real laser was behind her. She'd gotten over confident, she'd been here too many times, and now she was about to learn how terrible of a mistake she'd made this time.
Lily had been minding her own business, slumming it up in good old Hogwarts and waiting for something to go terribly wrong, when something finally did. Only, it wasn't the normal kind of terribly wrong, this was something new.
The castle hadn't been invaded by the undead and or trolls, hadn't been lit on fire, and as far as she knew a Tom Riddle bent on violent revenge was nowhere in sight. Instead she'd just been sitting there at breakfast with half a piece of toast in her mouth and then in the next moment there'd been some weird, green light, a very loud buzzing sound and then Lily hadn't been at the Default table anymore.
Or, she thought, in Scotland.
Instead she was in what looked like someone's secret, underground, layer of evil facing a laughing scarred blue man, what looked like Lily Riddle's sexy evil adult twin complete with green and black spandex, and a dweeby looking blonde kid screaming in despair along with his naked pet rat.
"Kim, no!" he cried out, reaching for her (because Lily was apparently Kim today) and looking as if he'd just watch her get stabbed by a kitchen knife.
Lily had the feeling that she was missing a lot of very important context here. She could open her mouth she supposed and get some answers, instead she decided to keep eating breakfast, because whatever happened next she was going to need breakfast.
Blondie turned towards the missing member of the blue man group, rage in his dull brown eyes, "You, what have you done?!"
The blue man laughed, the kind of villain's cackle that would have Wizard Lenin instinctively cringing out of secondhand embarrassment, "Don't you like it? I've replaced that pesky Kim Possible with this new and improved version!"
The blonde whipped back around to her, eyes wide and filled with horrified tears, "Talk to me, Kim!"
Alright then, Lily thought as she chewed, it was time to break down what she knew. Apparently, Lily was supposed to be a replacement for this Kim Possible person, or else she was supposed to be Kim. It was a bit unclear. Point being the evil blue man had done something to either replace Lily with Kim or else… Well, point being, he'd done something nefarious and it was interfering with Lily's breakfast.
"You know," dark haired femme fatale said in an almost bored tone to her blue compatriot, "She doesn't look all that different from the last one."
"I don't know what you're talking about!" blue man hissed, "This one has all that hair and is wearing a bathrobe!"
(Lily wouldn't necessarily defend the Hogwarts uniform, but that still was painful to hear.)
"Yeah," the dark-haired woman said, now inspecting her nails, "I'm just saying that she's looking really not concerned for having been teleported directly into your evil layer. Kind of like, oh I don't know, Kim Possible."
"I'm mildly concerned," Lily confessed, having finally swallowed the last of her toast.
"See, she's British!" the blue man said with glee, as if this went and proved some point about something, "She's not Kim Possible at all!"
Well, Lily would have to give him that, except she also didn't know what it meant to be Kim Possible or not. Lily had never been a Kim Possible before, but usually when someone came out of nowhere calling her names it turned out it had been Lily all along.
That, after all, was how Lily Riddle had gotten started.
"Then it appears I have no choice," blondie said, a resigned yet determined look on his face, "I will have to unleash my mystical monkey powers!"
The pink rat thing quivered in terror while Lily just, well, this was certainly shaping up to be an interesting morning. God though, she wished Wizard Lenin was here, he always knew how to put garbage like this in perspective where Lily just kind of went along with it and waited for the other shoe to drop.
Because she really had no idea whether she was supposed to be concerned or not by 'mystical monkey powers'.
Plus, if she had to get pulled into this bullshit then Wizard Lenin deserved a front row seat.
Plan decided, Lily summoned forth Wizard Lenin from the abyss who, after having flailed and righted himself, immediately turned to glare at her.
"Don't look at me, I just got here," Lily said, holding her hands up in defense.
He grit his teeth, wiping off his pants, and giving her that look that had grown men running in terror for their lives, "Lily, where is here?"
"I'll fill you in," Lily said, "First, I'm Kim Possible, and the blue guy over there is some evil mad scientist who has performed some unspeakable experiment on me, with femme fatale over there as his lead henchman with quite the attitude problem. The blonde guy with the pink rat is either my lover or my best friend, I really don't know, and he's about to unleash his mystical monkey powers in revenge for whatever terrible thing happened to me."
For a moment he just looked at her and said nothing, then, motioning to himself, he asked, "And why am I here?"
"Well, if I have to be here then you have to be here."
"Shego!" blue man shouted, pointing at Wizard Lenin, "Who is that?! How did he get in here?!"
"Gee, I don't know, Drakken" the woman, Shego apparently, said in a tone positively dripping with sarcasm, "Maybe, you summoned us something worse than Kim Possible."
"But that's impossible!" the blue man, Drakken, shouted as he tore at his dark hair.
"Do you want to make the pun," Shego asked with a single dark eyebrow raised, "Or should I?"
"Oh, I don't care what you do, just take care of them!" Drakken said, throwing his arms in the air like a toddler throwing a tantrum. You know, if toddlers felt the need to also wear dark leather gloves for the mad scientist appeal.
"On it," the woman said, and then her hands were glowing an eerie green and she was charging towards them, or more specifically straight towards Lily.
"Shit!" Lily said, dodging just in time to avoid being torn apart by mysterious green.
"Oh hell," Shego said, stopping immediately to look somewhere over Lily's shoulder. Lily stopped too, and then blinked, as the blonde wiry kid was now floating in the air and surrounded by blue mystical light.
Shego was then flung backwards, surrounded again by blue, presumably by floating blondie, and what Lily had to guess was his mystical monkey powers.
"Why did you drag me into this?" Wizard Lenin asked as they both dumbfoundedly watched the blonde kid destroy the lab with the mere power of his mind, "I was doing far more important things."
"No, you weren't," Lily said without even having to think about it because Wizard Lenin never did anything important in the mornings. That, and the most important thing he ever did was bait his Death Eaters and watch as they verbally tore each other to shreds for his attention.
Lily hadn't either for that matter, and this was certainly more interesting than Hogwarts, but at the same time she was glad she'd pulled Wizard Lenin into this.
Just at that moment Drakken and Shego were flung from the ruins of the laboratory, the blonde collapsing on the ground and taking in deep gulps of air, while Lily and Wizard Lenin just sort of stood there watching him.
A pillar to their right collapsed, half the laboratory caving in on itself, but otherwise there wasn't a hint of noise or action.
"So," Lily finally said to both Wizard Lenin and the teenage mystical monkey guru, "You guys want to go get nachos?"
Author's Note: Brought to you in part by AlleyKat2014 who asked for a fic with Wizard Lenin and Lily transported to the world of "Kim Possible" where they duke it out with Shego and witness Ron's mystical monkey powers.
Thanks to readers, reviews are greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor Kim Possible