Hello everyone! Here's the first chapter of what I hope will be my new story. It is the best way to train my English! You help me a lot!

This time, I decided to test myself more and write something funny. It is not easy and I'm very nervous, but I really hope that you'll like it. I will continue if you want me to...

Disclaimer: MASH is not mine.

Enjoy!

A War in Town

Another hot and stuffy day was slowly coming to a close. As soon as the pouring rains finally decided to leave their post, the most unbearable summer heat arrived to take it over. As usual, the beginning of July in Korea proved to be a real challenge. The most dangerous time was midday when the air was heavy enough to strangle its victims whenever they dared to step under burning sunlight. This very day was not an exception. It took more than eternity for the hot mustard sun disappear behind the distant hills and take the torrid weather along. When it finally did, the whole nature seemed to sigh with relief welcoming the blessing evening coolness.

It was nearly time for the last means of the daylight vanish and the first stars begin speckling the gradually darkening sky when one of the dozens empty dusty roads was suddenly illuminated by a sudden blaze of light. In a flash the roaring of a green army jeep broke the stillness of the quiet night.

"Careful son!" an elderly plump man with General insignia shouted at the top of his voice, "I only want to visit Colonel Blake's hospital and not to end up as a patient there."

"Sorry sir," replied the young man at the wheel, quickly changing to a different gear to slow the car down.

"There you go!" the General said contentedly, his voice much calmer than before, "There's no need to hurry and risk our lives like this."

"Yes sir." the boy answered not daring taking his eyes off the road to look at the two men sitting behind him.

It was a fair haired corporal not older than eighteen. And, frankly speaking, such age was also a big doubt to his passengers. The youth's face was far too innocent and rosy cheeked to fit the face of an "almost adult", not to mention the face of a soldier.

The kid sighed with relief when the narrow road opened on a large sign. "MASH 4077th Best Care Anywhere" was clearly seen in the moonlight. They were nearly there.

"Ah, home at last!" the third man said joyfully, "Care to get a refresh before we retire, General?"

"Good idea, Henry!" the General clapped his companion amiably on the shoulder, "I won't miss the chance to wet my whistles! What can you offer?"

Henry gave a nervous chuckle, "Well, I have a fine bottle of Whiskey…" Henry frowned remembering, "I'm afraid I don't have it anymore." he added bitterly. Seeing the General's eyebrows rise in surprise, he hurried to explain. "I foolishly left it in my glass cabinet before leaving the hospital. I dare guess the bottle had been emptied before my jeep turned the corner..." the surgeon stopped abruptly when the realization of what he had just said hit him. "Oh, don't think that my people drink," he said, stumbling at every word, "I mean… they do drink… sometimes…" he cleared his throat and continued, "You know… all the tension we work under…"

"Relax, Colonel," the General cut him off, his eyes dancing with amusement, "my son sounded more confident when I caught him with his first cigarette."

"Well… yeah… anyway," Henry went on, "I still have Gin, Beer, Vodka…"

"Are you sure such treasures are still waiting for your return?"

"Oh yes!" in a moment Henry's uneasiness grew into a wide grin, "My faithful company clerk hid the booze for me. He is very provident."

"Ha!" the General laughed, "the kid must have radar inside his head."

Henry's proud smile reached both of his ears, "You can't imagine how right you are, sir."

It was pitch-dark now. Suddenly covered by a thick inky black cloud, the moon was not able to accompany them on their way anymore. With only a jeep as the last source of light, as well a big chance to run upon a hidden land mine, the road was getting more and more dangerous.

As if willing to distract his thoughts from the journey, the General continued pressing the subject further. "Why don't you tell me more about your people, Henry?" he asked, "They are the main reason I decided to visit the unit."

Henry smiled, willingly shutting his mind from the gloomy and frightening atmosphere around them. "They are great people and the best medical personnel I ever worked with." he said proudly.

"I see the results perfectly well, Henry," the General waved his hands dismissively; "your records gave me quite the impression I needed."

The high-ranking officer winked and looked at Henry, a sly grin flashed across his features. "The thing that interests me though," he paused, as if foretasting the bewilderment on his companion's face "is the actual life in your camp. Is it true that some of your officers and enlisted men are… apt to act… strangely?"

Henry blanched, "I assure you, General, all the members of my hospital are…"

"Colonel," the General laughed, effectively cutting the other man short, for the second time of the last five minutes, "I have no doubts of their professional qualities. I just want to be prepared to meet them with my own eyes."

Henry was completely dumbfounded by the General's words. "What do you mean?" he asked nervously.

"Well," after a slight hesitation the other officer passed strict to the point, "I happened to come across some reports ones or twice…"

Now Henry's face was white as a sheet. What exactly did he hear about them? Was it again Major Houligan's or Burns's doing? How many times has this lovely couple attempted to go over his poor head? Henry put great hopes on this opportunity to get some useful equipment for the 4077th and if these army rats somehow messed everything up by their stupid methods to install the military discipline in the unit, they will face the wrath of Henry Blake. "They will be very surprised if they think I'm not capable of a backstroke." he muttered through his teeth.

Fortunately, due to the surrounding them darkness and the deafening sound coming from the engine, the General neither heard the other man, nor saw the dark evil expression on his frightened face.

"Some reports I heard of… were filed against two of your surgeons and a certain corporal." he continued, "I remember them being addressed as degenerates and a pervert or perverts and a degenerate…" he paused as if deep in thought, "I don't actually remember who was who." he finished.

If not the danger of angering their potential sponsor, Henry would have roared with laughter. Both these "titles", along with some other, like "maniac" or "psycho" could fit Pierce, McIntyre and Klinger perfectly without the actual division of their roles in the camp. Right now, however, he had to defend his gang at any cost.

"General," he began, "I can…"

"Almost there, sirs!" their driver shouted, immediately cutting the Colonel short.

Feeling more than annoyed by the third interruption, Henry looked around. Luck was definitely on their side, when the very sign, all three of them had been hoping to get to safe and sound, finally appeared in the headlights.

A minute hadn't passed before the jeep came to an abrupt halt.

"Well, what was it you wanted to tell me, Colonel?" the General asked in a light tone, as if he had not been interrupted, "Do I need to know anything about your people I need to be prepared for?"

"General!" said Henry firmly, willing more than ever to kill that rat who had snitched on them. "Please don't swallow anything you've been fed!" he stopped himself looking at the superior officer with alarm. It was not the tone anybody should have allowed himself to talk to a General, but the words had just slipped from his mouth. The General, however, did not look offended at all. On the contrary, he looked pleased and nodded approvingly. "Good to hear you have such a close-knit team, Colonel." he said

"If it's good for you, it's good for me, sir." Henry stuttered, "I mean it's good that you think this is good... I mean, we are not just colleagues, we're like a family, a very friendly family…"

"Colonel! Colonel!"

It was one of the guests, who had interrupted the Colonel for the fourth time; it was a short young boy. The kid wore round glasses which made him look even younger than he really was; the shabby clothes and a frightened expression on the kid's face completed the picture.

"Oh, Colonel! It's so good that you're back!" The boy froze when his eyes fell on a shocked General, sitting next to his CO, "Oh, I'm sorry General!" he gasped, his gaze glued to the stars on the man's shoulders, glittering under the dim street lamp.

"It's fine, Corporal…"

"O'Reilly, sir. Corporal O'Reilly, company clerk." the boy said.

"The same company clerk who has radar inside his head?" the General asked smirking.

"Sir?" the Corporal asked in bewilderment.

"Never mind Radar." said Henry, this time ignoring the General's surprised look. He could congratulate him on guessing the kid's nickname later, now he had other things to deal with. Something was troubling Radar and he had find out what had happened during his absence. "What's wrong Radar?" he asked the boy, "Is it Major Ferret…oh…Major Burns?" Henry looked at the General, but, luckily the man had been distracted by their driver and did not hear the last part of Henry's question.

Radar's panic, written all over his face, disappeared completely, gone without a trace of being there in the first place. A second later the Corporal's expression hardened with some sort of anger and annoyance. "I couldn't do anything to stop them, sirs!" he said feverishly, "They've been acting strangely since yesterday morning."

It took Henry more than he could probably wish to realize that the meaning of Radar's speech had not settled in his tired mind, it just did not bear any sense. He exchanged looks with the General and, judging by his blank eyes, understood that the man had apparently thought the same. What could have happened? Why was Radar talking in riddles? And, more important, what could have irritated his shy clerk so much? All these questions were swirling in his head like a raging tornado and to find the right thing to ask amidst this gale was a thankless task.

"Who is acting strangely?" he asked at last.

"Majors Burns and Houligan, Captains Pierce and McIntyre, Father Mulcahy and Corporal Klinger, sirs." reported Radar, "They are all in the mess tent right now."

"Not good, not good at all" thought Henry rubbing his face with a tired sigh. It was such a good day for all of them and it was just going to end in complete disaster.

"What are they doing in the mess tent in such an hour?" he asked, the thought "What have I done to deserve this?" stuck in his mind.

Radar took a deep breath before replying, "They're fighting, sirs."

"What?" Henry and the General asked in unison.

"That's why I'm here, sirs," Radar said with a new blow of panic in his voice, "I decided to find some help because I failed to stop them, but then I heard your jeep."

"From there?" the General asked, pointing in the direction the Corporal had appeared from, "you showed a second after our arrival, you couldn't have heard us from such a distance."

"He deserved his name, General." said Henry, "Believe me."

"I did not!" the boy said in despair, "I should have seen this coming…"

"Don't worry, son." The General cut him off, "We'll sort it out."

After giving their driver the orders to take the guest's luggage to the VIP tent and go to sleep in the tent, shown to him by Radar afterwards, the officers hurried to the possible battlefield.

"I see you have your own war in town, Colonel." the General said with amusement.

Henry sighed. It was useless to deny anything right now, "they argue sometimes, but it is not always serious," they reached the door and Henry raised his hand to push it, "Radar is probably exaggerating, I'm sure of…" they entered before Henry could finish his sentence, but the Colonel forgot even the beginning when the scene in front of his eyes paralyzed him. His doctors, his head nurse, his chaplain and his corpsman were standing in the middle of the room, shouting at each other in high-pitched voices.

The first was Frank, "Stay away from the Major, Pierce!"

"Then why are you not so close anymore?" Hawkeye yelled back, "Do you happen to know about her, so called, delicate condition?"

"What? Keep your filthy mouth shut!" shrieked Frank, pulling out his gun, "I'll kill you right now!"

"No, you won't Major!" said Mulcahy calmly, "I stole all your bullets."

"Ha!" butt in Trapper, "And I've been wondering why you decided to break the eighth commandment, Father!"

"I won't let anyone treat me like this!" cried Frank, his face changing the whole range of scarlet in a mere second.

"He is completely out of his mind!" shouted Klinger grabbing the enraged Major by his arms and twisting his right hand behind him. In a moment Frank's gun was successfully knocked out of his hand and Father Mulcahy hurried to take the empty, but, all the same, dangerously looking weapon away from its owner. Meanwhile, Frank was trying to free himself, but Klinger's hold was too strong for the Major.

"Let me go, you freak!" he shouted.

"Shut up Frank!"

Everybody froze when the sudden cry pierced the air. All at once, seven sets of eyes were riveted on Major Houligan, who, contrary to their expectations, was not angry, but extremely sad. It was not usual for the Major to show her emotions like this and the whole room was immediately plunged into grave silence.

"Shut up everyone!" she paused as if trying to suppress a sob, "Look at yourself! Brawling your guts out when…" this time she seemed to have lost control of her emotions and burst into tears.

"Don't worry," said Hawkeye giving everybody a meaningful look, "just the usual mood swings."

Henry felt his brain begin leaking through his ears, leaving nothing but a deep dark pit behind. Only one thought was still circulating in his mind, "It is the weirdest scene I have ever had the misfortune to witness." He shook his head and tried to gather all he had just heard in his tired head, "Mulcahy is stealing, Frank is crazy and, what is more important, jealous; Margaret is pregnant; Pierce is kind with Margaret because of her possible pregnancy… Nothing can surprise me anymore…" he concluded.

Something jolted Henry from his thoughts. Trying to focus on what was going on he soon understood that it was Major Houligan, who finally took control over her emotions.

"…when…" she whispered in a husked but steady voice, "when McIntyre is dying."

"Dying? McIntyre is dying?" Henry was not destined to hear everybody's reaction to this new information, as his still leaking brain, or what was left of his brain, blocked his ears completely.

"I must never jump to conclusions," he told himself, "my world is definitely still full of surprises."

TBC

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