Changing Seasons

Jason Hawke and Anders come to terms with their feelings for each other as Leandra faces the reality her son will never follow the path she wants for him.

Jason Hawke stormed into the estate and slammed the door so hard that the painting over the desk shook. It had been three years since the Deep Roads expedition that made him wealthy but the estate felt more like a gilded cage than anything else. These last few weeks have been especially trying because his mother had taken it upon herself to set him up with every eligible noblewoman in Kirkwall. This last woman he met with was five years older than him. She was thirty years old and a vapid bore. A few drinks revealed Lady Renee McNeely was interested in marrying immediately and viewed him as a breeding stud. When she put her hand on his knee, he immediately told her they would not be a suitable match since magic runs in his line. Lady Renee was offended and annoyed that his mother never brought that up to her and abruptly escorted him out the door.

His mother was dining with Lady Renee's aunt and he knew she would be upset.

Grabbing his staff, he went upstairs. As he grabbed his pack Jason remembered something his brother said a year after they arrived in Kirkwall.

"There is no place for me here."

After for the first time he could empathize because he felt the same way.

The expedition gave him wealth and made his name known but everyday he dealt with the nobility made him realize that life was not for him and began to dislike hiding who he was.

It's not as if the people in Hightown and the Gallows were not aware that he was a mage, it was the certain favors he did that kept them quiet. His mother preferred him to hide his abilities the way his father did when they lived in Lothering and had to deal with people. It suddenly dawned on him that his mother never even mentions his abilities except when occasionally asking him to keep his staves in his room. She pretends they do not exist. Back in Lothering, his mother would constantly lament on how he and Bethany were cursed. Sadly, that belief had been drilled into Bethany and she was never comfortable using magic. Their father had taught her enough to heal, defend herself, and hide her abilities but that was the extent of his teachings. Hawke remembered them fleeing Lothering and how impressed at how many darkspawn she did kill. If she had only been willing to learn more maybe she would be alive right now and begging him not to leave. With Bhodan and Sandal living here and keeping his mother company, he would spend even more time in Lowtown and Darktown than he did back when they were living in Gamlen's hovel. In those places, and especially the Hanged Man, he didn't have to hide who he was. He felt as free as he did when his father took him to the Wilds to practice his abilities as they helped the various apostates who lived there.

Jason closed his eyes and thought about Anders.

"I've always believed people fall in love with a whole person, not just a body. Why would you shy away from loving someone just because they're like you?"

Those words Anders said after they first met stayed with him. While he did have a few friends in Lothering, his abilities forced him to maintain a distance so he was never really close with any of them. Anders was the first person he felt a connection to. He revealed things to him that his family never knew. Anders knew about how his father took him to the Wilds where they would aid other apostates. It was also the only place where he could practice his magic openly under his father's careful guidance. Jason told Anders that his father wanted him to find his own path. If his father not died, Jason would have left the family to join one of the mercenary groups he knew. It was Anders who made him realize that his father likely died from the corruption a couple of years before the Blight was even realized. His father had gone to the Wilds alone leaving him in charge of the farm. Two weeks later he returned and except for being unusually pale seemed perfectly fine. He grew steadily worse within days though. His mother thought it was lung disease. One the night he died, Jason sat by his father's bed and watched helplessly as his father writhed in agony. By that time, he was nearly unrecognizable. The once strong man he looked up to was now a walking corpse. And of course they could not seek help because their secret would be revealed. His father motioned for him to come to him and he bent down to hear him whisper something to him.

"It's in my bag."

Jason reached down and pulled a vial from the bag and knew by its color that it was poison. His father coughed up some blood and his eyes pleaded with him to end the agony.

He opened the vial and lifted his father's head up to help him drink the poison. Jason saw both relief and sorrow on his father's face and he would never forget his father's last words.

"I'm sorry."

Anders understood his actions and never looked down at him for freeing his father from the agony.

They shared so much during the last three years. Jason accepted Anders being bound to Justice, the Fade spirit. He did what he could to help Anders when Justice manifested to Vengeance.

"I'll give you time to consider then."

Anders was open about his relationship with Karl and it didn't bother Jason. In Lothering, there were two men who ran a farm not far from his family's. They lived openly together and were his family's closest friends and even knew their secret. He knew Anders found him handsome. Jason was secure in his identity that he thought the same regarding Anders.

While Jason was no womanizer, he did have a few encounters with some girls from Lothering and six months ago realized they had no idea what they were doing when he started and on and off fling with Isabela.

She didn't expect flowers or any sort of commitment. They had fun although he did feel like a virgin during their first encounter and was relieved that she didn't judge him. In a sense Isabela became his teacher as well as his lover and during one their last tumbles, told him he was now fully able to satisfy any woman.

It was during those last encounters he started to become come more confused. He had gotten be close friends with Anders and invited him to use one the bathing rooms at the estate instead of the public baths. So a few times a week, Anders would come to the estate and enjoy the luxury of a hot bath and a meal afterwards. Hawke knew Anders's dedication to his clinic made him forget his own needs and wanted him to have something besides the mystery meat meal he'd get at the Hanged Man. One day the door to the bathing room was partially open and he caught Anders just as he stepped into the tub.

His skin was pale and a long jagged scar dotted his right side. He had a slight paunch on the lower part of his stomach but his chest was firm. His arms were toned but not overly muscular which was fairly typical for mages.

Hawke remembered shivering when seeing how thick his cock was with pronounced veins that ran along the shaft. He could see Anders was semi hard as he sat down in the tub. Hawke let out a silent gasp when Anders undid the tie in his hair. He closed his eyes and laid his head against the tub.

What made Jason shudder was when Anders reached into the water and by his movements; it was clearly obvious he was pleasuring himself.

Hawke had made his way back to his room and hurriedly undid his breeches and stroked himself to completion. He not only felt guilty afterwards but confused. Anders was his friend. He shouldn't be having these thoughts about him. He regained his composure and by the time Anders came down to the dining room everything was back to normal.

They were talking and joking around as they filled their plates.

A month ago it only got more complicated when Anders nearly lost control of the spirit in him and nearly killed a mage who escaped the gallows. They had stumbled on her being cornered by templars as they were trying to uncover one of their plots. In the aftermath, he comforted Anders who impulsively kissed him and declared his feelings. The night Anders came to the estate, Isabela had showed up before him and he left. Jason could see the hurt on his face as he made his exit. Their relationship now bordered between cool and polite. He missed what they had before. A part of him wanted to go to the clinic and talk to Anders but it was for the best he just go out of the city to clear his head. There was word that snow had fallen at Sundermount and he wanted to see it. Except for the occasional rain, the seasons never changed in Kirkwall. He wanted to feel the cool crisp air blow against his face and looked forward to seeing snow on the ground.

His mother was at the bottom of stairs glaring at him as he closed the door of his room.

"Hello Mother. I take it by the look on your face you know that my meeting with Lady Renee did not go well."

"That's putting it lightly," Leandra retorted. "You told her that magic ran in the family. Do you realize what you have done? You have effectively destroyed your chance at finding a suitable wife in this town."

"Good. Now maybe you will stop pushing me to a life I have no interest in," Jason shot back. "I bought the mansion back for you Mother I have no interest in having the life you had before you ran away with Father."

"You have Amell blood, its your duty. And as it is, too many people know about your abilities. If you want your status elevated you need to keep it a secret."

"I am not going to hide who I am Mother," Hawke glared. "And I am sorry if this hurts you but I am a Hawke. It's not my responsibility to revive the Amell name. And you need to face the reality that any children I have will likely be born with magic."

"Carver didn't have magic," Leandra folded his arms.

"But you had two other children who were mages."

"Your father hid it well in Lothering. Why can't you do the same?"

"Mother do you know why Father traveled to the Wilds all the time? He did it so he could practice his magic. He took me there and Bethany so we could learn. He stopped taking Bethany when she refused to learn anymore."

"I'm not stupid Jason, I know what he did. And Bethany knew she was cursed and did the best she could."

"Maybe if you had not constantly hammered that in her mind, she would have been more open to learning more offensive spells and she would be alive right now."

"How dare you!" Leandra slapped him.

Jason blinked, surprised by his mother's actions. She had slapped him. The last time he received any sort of punishment from his parents was when he used his magic to blow Carver into the pond. His father had given him a whipping and he knew it was not just because of what he did to Carver. Someone could have seen him and would know their secret. They would have been forced to go on the run again.

Jason rubbed his cheek and knew by how it still stung, that it likely left a mark.

"Are you going to slap the other cheek for Carver too?" Jason asked.

Walking over to the desk, he opened the drawer and pulled out some papers.

"There is something I never showed you when I was packing up Carver's things," Jason said as pulled out a folded piece of vellum. "Look at this mother."

"What is it?"

"Take it and read what Carver would have done had I left him behind."

Leandra reluctantly took the folded vellum and opened it.

"No!" Leandra looked at Jason. "He would have never joined the templars."

"It makes sense that he would have joined the templars if I had listened to you and not included him in the expedition. He's resented me since the moment he was old enough to realize what I was. Of course Bethany didn't get the same resentment because she was his twin."

"I don't believe it."

"Mother, Carver always said there was no place for him here. I'm beginning to understand his words. Because more and more everyday I feel like I don't belong here. You've read the letters he's sent. He is his own man now. I actually envy him. "

Jason watched her she took two steps back and closed her eyes.

"You've changed mother. It's as if you purposely forgotten your life in Lothering. Do you even realize Father's birthday is coming up in a couple of days?"

"Don't you dare question me about your father!" Leandra yelled. "He is always in my thoughts. I put his name on the remembrance wall in the chantry."

"It warms my heart to know you haven't forgotten him," Jason said as he looked at his mother. "Because not a moment goes by when I don't feel like I failed him."

Jason was did not expect to see her looked shocked by his words.

"I love you Mother but you need to let me follow my own path," Jason said.

"Where are you going?" Leandra watched as he grabbed his staff and pack.

"I'm going to Sundermount to see if there is any snow left on the ground. The seasons never change in the city and I miss seeing the snow. I'll be back soon."

He opened the door and quickly exited the estate before his mother could reply.

…..

Jason made his way through Hightown and decided to make a brief stop at the Blooming Rose. Varric was out of town and he wanted to let Isabela know he'd gone awhile. The night Anders encountered her at his estate, the encounters ended. Jason appreciated how Isabela took it well and remained friends with him.

As he entered the brothel, people looked up from their various pursuits and inspected him like he was a piece of meat or a breeding stud. He finally found Isabela in one of the back rooms lounging on a settee.

"Hawke," Isabela opened her eyes and smiled when seeing him making himself comfortable in one of the chairs.

"I'm going out of the city for a couple of days. Would you tell Varric when he gets back?"

"Sure," Isabela picked up her goblet and took a sip. "What happened to your face? Your right cheek is bright red and considering the things we've done, I know it's not a permanent blush."

"My mother slapped me and now my other cheek is likely red from embarrassment."

"And what caused her to slap you?" Isabela chuckled. "Did she set you up again?"

"Yes," Jason sighed. "I'm beginning to believe something you said is very true."

"I've said a lot of things that are true," Isabela laughed. "Refresh my memory."

"You once said I did not belong in Hightown," Jason grabbed the bottle from her and took a long sip before setting it down. "You were…right."

"So what are you going to do about it?" Isabela looked up and Jason and studied his face.

"Nothing. It's my responsibility to look out for my mother but I told her that I can't follow the path she wants for me."

"So no marriage to one of those uptight noblewomen then?" Isabela laughed. "And no baby Hawkes running about?"

"If I had children, I would be repeating the cycle my father started."

"You seemed to have everything worked out."

"Not everything," Jason sighed. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sugar, consider the things we've done together you can ask me anything."

"Maker! This is more difficult than I thought it would be," Jason agonized

"What's wrong?" Isabela eyed Jason with concern.

"When you…had your first experience with a woman…were you scared?"

"Of course I was but then…." Isabela paused and then looked at Jason.

"Wait a minute," Isabela smirked. "Is this about you and Anders?"

"What?" Jason nearly knocked the bottle of the table as he got up.

"Hawke, look at who you are talking to," Isabela laughed. "It's been fairly obvious there has been something simmering between you two for months. And that night he came to the estate when I was there and abruptly left. And then you decided to end our little adventures."

"I really need to get away," Jason sighed.

"You look so adorable when you are confused," Isabela said as patted his cheek. "The big strong mage torn because of lingering thoughts for a man."

"Please don't tease me about this," Jason groaned.

"Sugar, it just never mattered to me. If I am attracted to a man or woman and they want me, that means fun and pleasure for all and if you must know, I never enjoyed sex until my first time with a woman. My husband just went in and out a couple of times and that was it. It was a couple of years before I finally encountered a few men who actually knew what they were doing."

"It certainly took me a few times to know what I was doing."

"And you were an excellent pupil," Isabela purred. "I could hardly blame you for that first performance. You only had those tumbles with those girls from Lothering. The poor things probably didn't realize they were supposed to move too."

"Isabela!" Jason groaned.

"Hawke, you can't control everything that comes your way. It's just the way life is."

"The thing is it's not just about sex. There are …feelings involved."

"Then go talk to him then."

"Maybe I will when I get back but I need to go away for a couple of days," Jason picked up the bottle then hastily set it down. "Thank you for the talk."

"That's what I'm here for," Isabela chuckled.

….

Hawke was amazed that he made it to the Dalish camp in five hours but was immediately disappointed to see there was no snow. The brisk air and quiet had motivated him. He had hoped to see a few drifts but the ground was merely damp.

"Greetings Hawke," Marethari smiled when seeing him approach her. "What brings you here?"

"I've been meaning to come back to return this to you, Keeper." Jason said as pulled the arulin'holm out of his pack and handed it to her. "I never gave it to Merrill."

"Thank you Hawke," Marethari said as she took the tool and held it up for the others to see. "You did the right thing but then again that is a part of who you are."

Jason watched as some of the members nodded approvingly at him.

"You've showed the clan that you are not like most of your kind," Marethari said as she handed the tool to another elf who took back to Master Ilen.

"My father instilled in me the dangers of blood magic," Jason explained. "As much as I felt for Merrill's desire of wanting to retrieve some of your history, it was just too dangerous. She…hates me now but a lot of people do."

"You honor your father by returning this to us then," Marethari said appreciatively. "In time, Merrill will understand."

"I heard it snowed here and I was hoping to see it," Jason said wearily. "The seasons never change in the city. It's always the same."

"There was snow here but it quickly went away. There should be some left on the top of the mountain though if that is what you're seeking."

"Thank you Keeper. May I set up camp here for the night? I promise to leave in the morning."

"You know you are welcomed among us Hawke but I sense there is so much more to this trek. The light in your heart has dimmed. What burdens you?"

"Everything," Jason sighed. "I needed to get away from the city to think.

"A great many people depend on you," Marethari motioned for him to sit down. "And you feel like you failed the ones who are no longer with you."

"Yes," Jason sighed.

"Everybody has their own journey to make in this world," Marethari said.

"You're saying there is a reason for everything that happens."

"Not in those words but yes, everything is connected. I mean no offense for saying this but most humans don't seem to have an easy time understanding that."

"No offense taken Keeper," Jason laughed. "You're talking to an apostate here. I've spent most of my life on the run from people who think like that."

"And that is what makes you different than most humans. Asha'bellanar chose well."

"She said things to me that I still don't understand," Jason sighed.

"There will come a moment when you will and will have to decide which path to take."

"I hope I make the right choice," Jason got up and gathered his pack. "Thank you Keeper, I think I'm going to start making the climb now."

"Get one of Master Ilen's torches before you leave." Marethari pointed to the row of lit torches near the work area. "And I hope you find what you seek."

"Thank you Keeper….for listening." Jason smiled before heading to Ilen.

"Dareth shiral Hawke. May you find what you seek."

…..

Jason stood at the bottom of the path and watched as Rex ate the scraps of fish that one of the Dalish gave to him.

"Come on boy. We have a long walk ahead of us."

He pointed to the path and Rex immediately trotted ahead and after a long sigh, proceeded to follow him.