True Summary:
Kaede Akamatsu was voted the class representative at the beginning of the year, so when the Ultimate Supreme Leader decided to be a problem, the responsibility to deal with him fell mostly on her shoulders.
She had no idea if she should have been happy about or scared by the fact that he agreed with her idea for a list of rules, but it's too late to take it back now.
A/N:
This fic is crossposted from Ao3 and was written by me (Eighth_Notes on Ao3) and one of my friends (SilverStorm0 on Ao3). Technically, we're still writing it and probably will be for awhile. I just figured I should finally actually crosspost it to FFN. I'm not going to bother including the Author's Notes we have on Ao3 because that's even more work and I'm literally sick and tired.
Just know that comments are always appreciated, and if this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic or you wanna use a rule as a prompt in a oneshot, go right ahead. Just shoot me a link to whatever you wrote, because I'd love to check it out.
WELP. JUST LIKE I THOUGHT IT WOULD, IT BROKE ALL OF THE HECKING FORMAT. TIME TO GO THROUGH AND TYPE IN ALL THE NUMBERS BY HAND. THERE ARE AT LEAST 450 RULES AS I TYPE THIS. FFN WHY IS YOUR FORMATTING SO HORRIBLE. I REFUSE TO REDO THE ITALICS.
Now On With The Story:
"...and you're sure this is a good idea?" Shuichi asked, looking at Kaede in a half-exasperated, half-curious way.
"Yup! Totally positive." The Ultimate Pianist nodded and smiled, despite the fact that she really, really wasn't.
"It just seems a little, ah... too convenient," he said. And he was right, of course. The fact that Kokichi had so readily agreed to go along with Kaede's idea for a rules list should have immediately sent up a massive red flag, if Shuichi's current expression was anything to go by. But for some reason it didn't. Not at the time, at least.
"Well, it's too late to turn back now. Everything will be be fine," Kaede said, raising both fists in the air to make a pose mostly meant to reassure herself.
"...if you say so."
#1-100.
1. Kokichi is not allowed to threaten people's lives, regardless of whether or not it's a lie.
2. He cannot rig the kitchen sink to dispense grape Panta instead of water.
_a. Or cherry Panta.
_b. Or cotton candy blast Panta.
3. Kokichi is not allowed to make any kind of alterations to the kitchen sink.
4. He must stop calling Kirumi mom. Even if she acts like a team mom, she's still asked you to stop multiple times.
5. He can no longer attempt to charge his phone using K1-B0 as a power source. It's a wonder you haven't been sued yet.
6. Kokichi can no longer scientifically disprove the existence of magic to Himiko. She still hasn't stopped crying, and we can't risk Tenko attempting to throw anybody out of the window again.
7. He can no longer explode a pack of any kind of drink in anybody's room for any reason, not even if he "totally warned them" beforehand.
8. Unless somebody loses their key or it's an emergency, Kokichi is not allowed to lockpick his way into anybody's room.
_a. He cannot steal anybody's key, either. Nobody needs to go on a veritable scavenger hunt every time they want to go in their room.
_b. "I'm just testing Shuichi's detective skills" is not a valid excuse for stealing his or anybody else's room key.
9. K1-B0 is not a toaster oven and should not be treated as such.
10. Replacing Kaito's shaving cream with whip cream was only funny once. Don't do it again.
11. I don't know how you pulled it off, but replacing all of the music room piano's strings with dental floss is NOT allowed. Even if you left the strings you removed in a clearly visible, safe location, I'm pretty sure it's still breaking at least one school rule.
12. Kokichi is not allowed to give Miu 'ideas' for inventions. Drawing his own blueprints to give to her is otherwise fine, as long as the resulting invention is not going to be used for a prank.
13. Kokichi is not allowed to lie to Gonta about anybody's love (or lack thereof) of bugs. Nobody wants Insect Meet And Greet 2.
14. You can't burn down the gym.
_a. Especially not if Korekiyo is helping.
14. Kokichi is not allowed to somehow get his hands on alcohol of any kind and then get drunk with Angie. Yes, it was funny at the time, but we've been finding silly string, glitter, confetti, and half-melted marshmallow birds everywhere for the last two weeks.
_a. He's not allowed to get Miu drunk, either.
_b. Kokichi is not allowed to drink alcohol, offer it to his classmates, or spike their drinks.
15. Rantaro is not an avocado and should not be treated as such.
16. Rules are just an arbitrary safeguard for complete losers who can't protect themselves.
_a. Kokichi is not allowed to edit this list in any way, shape, or form.
17. Kokichi is not allowed to break into people's rooms in any way, with the same exceptions in rule 7. I don't care if it's "technically not lockpicking," it's still breaking and entering.
18. No, you guys. We can't just ban Kokichi from lying entirely. Even if it would solve a lot of problems in theory, it'd probably just piss him off. How would we even enforce that, anyway?
19. He is not allowed to play the song "Mr. Sandman" whenever Rantaro walks into the room.
20. We got an Alexa to make Kirumi's life easier. You can ask it questions, but stop telling it to set alarms.
21. Don't draw on people with sharpie when they fall asleep in the common room. Washable markers are, however, fine.
22. Unless you're willing to replace them, writing the names of Himiko's cards on their backs is not okay.
23. Himiko does not weigh the same as a duck.
24. Kokichi does not weigh the same as a duck, and is not allowed to prove it. We're in the middle of a city, where did you even get a duck from?
25. No stealing any kind of animal from the Zoology labs.
26. Being the Ultimate Supreme Leader does not give you the right to treat your classmates like subordinates.
_a. Not even if you have a hat and cape that make you look "super duper evil."
27. Gonta is not a Seiyan and has no powers that one would have.
28. Stop requesting that Kirumi do ridiculous tasks. She's not charging any money for doing things for us because we're classmates. Don't take advantage of that.
29. Yes, Kaito is easily scared. No, that does not mean you can scare him. Even if you are good at telling ghost stories.
30. If you hurt yourself, go to the nurse's office, or find somebody to take you. Concussions are serious business, and capitalizing on a head wound to pull a prank is stupid at best.
31. No more hiding in the kitchen cabinets in order to jumpscare people. You nearly gave Miu a heart attack.
32. Convincing Tsumugi that her favorite anime has been cancelled is a horrible idea.
33. Don't tell the Alexa to play sad music every time something even remotely sad happens. Especially if the song is Despacito.
34. Asking Shuichi if he wants to solve a mystery and then forcing him to watch Blue's Clues with you is not okay. Even though it's a cute show, it's still misleading. You know he's too nice to say no.
35. Proposing a "wonderful business opportunity" to Maki is a good way to get yourself killed.
36. Don't make martial arts noises at Tenko and then challenge her to a fight. You're lucky she has enough self restraint to keep from hurting anybody.
37. Don't go around claiming that anybody is secretly dating anybody else.
_ if you're saying they're dating you.
38. Running a betting pool is fine. Making it a scam is not.
39. Do not "borrow" Gonta's insects, especially if you tell him beforehand.
40. Do not debate religion with Angie.
_a. Do not debate philosophy with Angie, either.
_b. Stop asking Angie to explain Atua.
41. "Do you want me to hurt you?" is not a challenge.
42. Do not get K1-B0 high. We don't know exactly how he ended up that way, and we don't want to.
43. Do not get Miu high and then ask her to "make something sexy."
44. Using recreational drugs is not to be passed off as "religious undertakings" to Angie.
45. Recreational drugs are prohibited.
46. Acting as the referee of any sports match is only fine if you already know the rules of that sport.
47. Do not attempt to make the school pool into a giant gelatin mold.
48. No making innuendoes around K1-B0 specifically because you know he's going to ask you to explain them.
49. Don't follow any of your classmates into a grocery store just to shout judgemental things when they're going to check out.
50. Even if the judgemental thing is a lie.
51. Don't go on manifest destiny-esque rants about the Ultimates as a whole. It gives people the idea that all of us are like that, and we're not.
_a. Not even if you're wearing the hat and cape.
_b. Manifest destiny-esque rants of any type are prohibited.
52. K1-B0 does not drink soda for a reason. Actually, we don't know if he drinks at all. Just stop trying to get him to drink Panta. Nobody wants to sit down on any more Panta cans.
_a. K1-B0 does not drink.
_b. Asking K1-B0 personal questions about his upkeep is prohibited. You're making him uncomfortable.
53. To whoever took Kokichi's scarf: Just give it back already. He taped rubber ducks to every square inch of the common room floor, ceiling, and furniture, and nobody wants to know what he'll do next.
_a. No, I don't know how he was able to reach the ceiling.
54. Do not glue eggs to the bottom of the egg carton.
55. Stop insisting to K1-B0 that the Easter Bunny actually lays plastic eggs, he's looking through every biology book he can get his hands on just to see if it's possible or not.
56. Don't steal people's cell phones and switch all of their contact's names around.
_a. Don't steal cell phones at all.
_b. Not even if it's because you "broke" yours.
_c. Don't "borrow" them, either.
_d. If something happens to your phone and you need to make a call, ask to use somebody else's.
57. Stop anonymously sending embarrassing photos to the school newspaper. I don't think Tenko can be kept from hurting you much longer.
58. Do not order a roomba army for the sole purpose of being able to set them loose in a room. We have one to help Kirumi, and just to help her.
_a. Do not make Kirumi's job harder as an excuse to get more roombas.
_b. You are not "King of the Roombas," nor are you "Supreme Leader of the Roombas."
_i. I'm not about to argue over whether or not your talent includes roombas as one of the things you're the leader of. The answer will still be no.
_c. K1-B0 is not a roomba, nor does his talent include roombas.
59. Mixtapes should not be literally 'lit' on fire.
_a. Not even if you do have a surprisingly good taste in music.
60. Actually writing "gullible" on the ceiling is not allowed.
61. Attempting to start a nerf gun war is only okay if the others involved were previously made aware of it.
62. Giving Tenko's number out to "nice guys" is not allowed. It's a miracle she hasn't killed you yet.
63. Ryoma is not "fun size" and neither are you.
_a. Even if you are the two shortest guys in class.
64. Stop repeatedly putting yourself in various kinds of danger. We're starting to get worried that you might actually get hurt, and I know that you have enough common sense to not be doing it on accident.
_a. The fact that we care about your safety is not a declaration of undying love and should not be treated as such.
65. Stealing "literally all of the erasers" is not okay.
_a. Not even if you're using them to build "eraser kingdom."
66. You are not the king or supreme leader of any kind of inanimate object.
_a. Or any living person who doesn't want to join your organization, for that matter.
_b. Not even if you put a Supreme-brand label on who- or whatever you want to rule.
67. Kokichi is not allowed to have more than one energy drink in his system at any time. Yesterday was actually terrifying and nobody wants a repeat of that.
68. Don't try to convince people that Korekiyo is allergic to the sun.
_a. Or that he's a vampire.
_b. Or a mummy.
_c. Or a werewolf.
_d. Or any kind of mythological creature.
69. Leaving the "sexy thing" that Miu made while high in the middle of the common room is not allowed.
_a. Especially if it's specifically to "make the rule list less boring."
70. Kokichi is not to be left alone when we all go shopping together. He nearly got us kicked out of the mall, and I don't want us to get banned completely. We were lucky enough to be let off with a warning.
71. It is not acceptable to trap anybody in their room, even for a little while.
_a. It is not acceptable to trap Kokichi in his room, even as revenge.
72. If you get sick, take the day off so you don't infect anybody. We can give you the notes you missed later.
73. Speaking entirely in rhyme, while impressive, gets old very quickly.
74. You are not an anime protagonist.
_a. Of any genre.
_b. Neither Shuichi or I are "protagonist rejects."
75. Showing Gonta the Bee Movie isn't a bad idea, but attempting to convince him that it's a documentary of real events is.
76. Neither Kokichi or Himiko are young enough to make Maki take care of them.
_a. Even if they are the two youngest looking people in class.
_b. They're teenagers, just like the rest of us. They can look after themselves.
77. Kokichi is not allowed to superglue a countdown timer to the wall.
_a. Especially if "something totally awesome" is going to happen when it reaches zero.
78. Filling all of the empty space in the refrigerator with rubber ducks just makes Kirumi's life harder.
79. No, I'm not going to add any rules to this list at Kokichi's request.
_a. Or before he actually does something. It would just give him ideas.
80. Having Miu make a lie detector was a clever idea until it wasn't.
_a. Less because Kokichi got angry about it, and more because he almost immediately figured it out and abused it.
81. Kaito is not Astro Boy.
_a. Neither is K1-B0.
82. Kokichi is not allowed to throw rubber ducks at people.
_a. Or toss them.
_b. Or "yeet" them.
_c. No throwing things.
_d. No instructing others to throw things.
_e. Especially if that "thing" is K1-B0. He's a friend, not a battering ram.
83. Stop it with the nightmare faces.
84. You know full well what does and does not count as a nightmare face.
85. Repeatedly saying "You're killing me, Smalls" to Ryoma is highly insensitive. Just because he ignores you doesn't mean he's not annoyed, and it's not even a reference to the right sport.
86. Using as many talent-referential puns as possible depending on who you're talking to might be impressive, but it's still grating.
87. Somebody saying that they've heard every possible joke about something is not a challenge.
_a. Not even if you can come up with a joke they haven't heard before.
88. Don't offer to give people fashion advice as an excuse to criticize their clothing.
_a. Even if some of what you're saying is right.
_b. Nobody wants your advice on anything unless they ask for it.
89. Kaito's hair does not disobey the laws of physics, and you are not allowed to test that.
90. Kokichi attempting to do a "cool trick [he] saw on the internet once" is not allowed. Especially if he's already aware that it's dangerous.
91. Tsumugi is not wallpaper and should not be treated as such.
92. Stop trying to convince people that the Earth is flat. We know you don't actually believe it, and it makes the rest of us look bad.
93. No riding swivel chairs down the hallway. You're lucky you didn't need stitches.
94. It might be a good Halloween prank, but do not set up a pretend murder scene, even if you're the 'victim.'
_a. Where did you even get that much fake blood?
_b. "It was real, I just had a bunch of people killed for their blood" is not the correct answer to that question.
_c. If one of Kokichi's pranks creates a mess, he has to help Kirumi clean it up.
95. You, Kaito, and I are not the "purple squad," even if we do happen to have the same favorite color.
96. Playing the Harry Potter theme song whenever Himiko walks into the room is not allowed unless it's specifically prearranged for a magic show.
_a. Not even if she likes having a theme song.
_b. Tenko is not allowed to follow Himiko around while playing any song.
97. Talking to Tsumugi in anime fan-speak is fine because she understands it. Nobody else can follow most of what you're trying to say, and we don't really want an explanation, either.
98. Throwing an actual temper tantrum after losing in Mario Kart (or any game) is not allowed. We know it's fake, and if you do it again you won't be allowed to play anything on video game night anymore.
99. The only backpack you're allowed to fill with rubber ducks is your own.
100. Do not do anything that could get you arrested, even if it's something minor. You're lucky that Hope's Peak was able and willing to bail you out.
_a. It doesn't matter if that really was the only time you were caught. No crime.
A/N Second Edition: Haha wow that was painful to go through and manually format. Expect this story to update relatively slowly.