As happened from time to time, Earth's Stargate was activated from offworld, at an unscheduled time. However, this time was different. No SG teams or allies sent IDCs or calls for help. No previously unknown civilisations tried to make contact. No Jaffa attacked. Instead, the Stargate buzzed. The volume increased, and the frequency gradually shifted, as if seeking something. Immediately, technicians attempted to close the wormhole, or at least stop the buzzing. Nothing worked. People began to develop slight headaches. Then they began to see shadowy shapes and hear unclear sounds. So did everyone in Cheyenne Mountain. And everyone in Colorado Springs. And the rest of Colorado. And the entire United States of America. And all of North, South, and Central America. And everyone else on Earth. And all other planets in the Milky Way Galaxy which had a working Stargate. And the planets in several other galaxies which were connected to the Stargate Network.
The shapes resolved themselves into a body, and the noise became a voice. "Greetings, miscellaneous sentient being. This message is currently being broadcast to the inhabitants of over a billion planets, and has been automatically translated into the language you best understand. My name is Ba'al, System Lord and Greatest Achiever in the Known Universe. I apologise for the intrusion, and ask for a minute of your time." By the proud look on his face, it was obvious that he was not at all apologetic.
The message continued. "There are three rules:
1. You are playing The Game.
2. Whenever you think about The Game, you lose.
3. Loss must be announced.
In making this broadcast, I have obviously lost The Game, and upon hearing it you have also lost. Due to the nature of this broadcast, several quadrillion sentient beings have simultaneously lost The Game, resulting in the greatest simultaneous Game Loss in All History. It is on this basis that I declare myself Greatest Achiever in the Known Universe. I thank you for your attention and for any resultant groveling."
The Stargates shut off, leaving several quadrillion rather annoyed sentient beings.