A/N: So here's a little bonus surprise for you this week. This is a prequel to my story Cleanse. I thought some people might be interested in how Katniss and Peeta got themselves into such a big mess. You don't have had to read Cleanse to understand this but Cleanse picks up right where this ends. I hope people enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters.
Dirty Little Secret
I was extremely relieved to finally start my new job the summer after I graduated from uni. It had been a rather taxing summer with a lot of stress and emotional turmoil. My university boyfriend, Gale, had asked me to move in with him after we both graduated. We had been dating for over 2 years by then and he said it was the next logical step. Except that I never wanted to move in with him.
I made it clear after our first drunken fumble at a night club that I never wanted a serious relationship. I just wanted someone fun to hang out with and have great sex with. I told him straight out I never wanted marriage, or kids or god forbid love. I had seen how destroyed my mother was after my dad died that I made a vow that I would never let myself love someone that way. I didn't want my whole happiness to depend on another person. I was focused on just being a strong independent woman who didn't need a man to keep her happy.
I thought Gale was okay with that. I never told him I loved him and I never held him to all the romantic shit such as Valentine's Day or anniversaries. I was just happy to have a friend that I could fuck.
But then we graduated and he told me that he loved me. That it was time to stop screwing around and get serious. We were adults now. We should think about settling down. I walked away after he said that.
The 2 months that followed were filled with angry texts, drunk rants and weepy voicemails. He called me a whore and a cold hearted bitch. He cried about why I didn't love him. He declared that I was destined to end up sad and alone. While I just wanted to walk away from it all it seemed that Gale couldn't let it go.
But after over 100 unanswered calls he finally got the message and I was glad to start work and put the whole ordeal behind me. I didn't understand why people would willingly allow themselves to fall in love. As Gale proved it only left you broken hearted.
I had landed a traineeship at a large accountancy firm in the centre of London. I had always been good with figures and when we got a careers talk on accountancy I knew it was what I wanted to do. Heavensbee and Coin was one of the oldest and most prestigious firms in the country with a reliable reputation and well respected staff. I was delighted to beat out over 150 applicants to get one of the 5 trainee spots. I was looking forward to spending the next 3 years learning the finer points of accountancy and working towards my qualification as a Chartered accountant.
On my first day a man in his mid fifties with greying dark hair, stormy grey eyes like my own and a beer belly came and met me and the other 4 students. He introduced himself as Haymitch Abernathy, one of the senior partners and he said that he drew the short straw in showing us round that day.
We all followed him like he was the Pied Piper of Hanilem as he started the tour. Everyone was eager to make a good first impression and no one commented on the slight smell of whiskey that seemed to escape from his skin.
Mr Abernathy showed us round the office with a bored and disinterested tone. It was clear that he found us an inconvenience and I prayed that I didn't end up in his team. I didn't think his surly attitude was very motivating.
He explained that we would all work in teams and report to one line manager and partner. He dropped us off at various teams throughout the tour
I was the last one to been dropped off to meet my new team.
"Here you are, Sweetheart. Your partner, Peeta Mellark, is out this morning but you will get to meet the golden boy this afternoon," Haymitch said as led me into the room.
He scuttled away soon after and I was left with a woman in her late 20's called Annie who had been tasked to show me the ropes.
Annie showed me how to log onto the system and how to set up a set of accounts. I was busy inputting numbers into a spreadsheet when he arrived.
It turned out Peeta Mellark was a lot younger than I was expecting. Most partners are at least in their 40's but Peeta couldn't be more than 34 or 35. He had ashy blond curls that were neatly trimmed and eyes as blue as sapphires. He wasn't very tall but he had broad shoulders and strong chest.
I hadn't anticipated my boss to be attractive.
He breezed into the office with a cheery smile and warm welcomes. His eyes scanned the room to see who was in and eventually landed on me. He gave me a big smile, one that was very wide and showed off his perfect set of straight white teeth before he made his way over to introduce himself.
"You must be my new student, Katniss Everdeen, right?" he asked.
I nodded my head lamely. His smile grew wider.
"I'm Peeta Mellark. I'll be your boss for the next 3 years. It is lovely to meet you," he said.
He stuck out his hand for me to shake and I accepted it readily. I was not prepared for the unexpected jolt that coursed through my body at his strong and firm handshake. His blue eyes were looking at me with genuine interest and I suddenly got a flash of what it might be like to have his hands gripping me tightly in other places.
"Just let me sort myself out and we'll get better acquainted in about 5 minutes. I really hope you enjoy working here," he said.
I told him I hoped so too and he gave me another wide smile before disappearing off into his office. I turned to Annie immediately to inquire about my attractive boss.
"He's Alma Coin's prodigy. She scouted him right out of the London School of Economics. Only 34 and the youngest partner the firm has ever had. I'll warn you now. He is one of the most charming people you will ever meet. He has brought so many new clients to the firm over the last 10 years. And he is damned good at his job. There is not a safer pair of hands than him," Annie replied.
I nodded my head in understanding. Young, driven and charming. That was a dangerous combination.
He called me into his office 5 minutes later and asked me to take a seat. He had removed his suit jacket and the sleeves of his shirt had been rolled up to his elbows showing off his very toned forearms. I couldn't help but wonder all that he hid underneath that well fitting suit.
He gave me a warm smile as I sat down in front of his desk and waited for me to get comfortable. He had caught my eye the moment I walked into the room and his eyes hadn't moved from my face. Suddenly I was glad that I decided to wear my new blouse and the tightest skirt I owned.
"Well I'm here to welcome you properly, Katniss. I am sorry I wasn't here this morning but I had a meeting. I bet it couldn't have been too much fun getting shown around by Haymitch." he said.
I laughed.
"He wasn't the most receptive host," I replied.
Peeta grinned.
"No. Charm isn't one of his main qualities but he is still a bloody good accountant," he said.
He took a pause before speaking again. His eyes were fixed onto mine
"You'll be working underneath me. If you have any needs I expect you to come for me," he said.
I was a little shocked by his change of tone. The joking had gone and there was an edge to his words. An edge that hinted at another meaning.
He stared at me intently waiting to see my reaction. His stare pierced right through me and I could feel the affect it was having on my underwear.
I shifted slightly in my chair and leaned forward so I was closer to him. 2 could play at this game.
"I'll make sure you are the first person I come to," I replied emphasising the word come.
His smile widened.
"Good. I have high standards Katniss. Things might get a bit rough at times. I hope you can keep up," he said with a glint in his eye.
My heart began to pound in my chest and the dampness in my underwear grew. I could see his pupils dilating making his eyes almost black. What I would have done to be taken roughly right then and there on his desk.
"I like a challenge," I replied calmly.
"I bet you do. I look forward to learning all about you, Katniss," he said.
I loved the way he said my name. The elongation of the last syllable. Kat-nissss. I swear a shiver went up my spine at the sound of it. From the way he was looking at me I knew he was interested in more than learning about what my favourite colour was. The thrill of having him look at me like that was exhilarating.
We exchanged a few more pleasantries and discussed my responsibilities before I got up to leave. As I did I noticed a picture on his desk. The picture showed 2 young and curly blond haired boys. They had big grins and chocolate smeared across their faces. In one corner of the frame a picture of a sleeping new born baby was tucked in on top. I stopped to pick up the picture.
"Are these your kids?" I asked.
An extremely big and affectionate grin spread across his face as he took the frame off me and stared at the picture lovingly.
"Yes. I've got 3 boys. Jaime is 4 and Harry is 2," he said pointing to the picture of the 2 older boys.
They had grins just like their father. His finger then moved to point at the sleeping baby.
"This one here is my youngest, Charlie. He was born 6 weeks ago. If his screams are anything to go by he is going to be just as rambunctious as his 2 older brothers," Peeta said affectionately.
"Your wife must be exhausted running after 3 boys," I replied.
It was a test. To see how he would react to the mention of his wife. It was clear he loved his sons. His love for them shone out of his eyes. But he had flirted with me. I was sure I hadn't read him wrong.
The smile disappeared from his face and he dragged his eyes from the photos. He looked at me cautiously.
"She is. But we can afford a lot of help. She spends a lot of time at her parents," he replied.
He eyed me warily to try and gauge my reaction about this bit of information. From the way he spoke I knew his wife wouldn't be a problem. There was a glint in his eye that suggested he got up to all sorts of mischief when she was gone. I smiled thinking about what we could get up to during that time.
He became even more attractive to me then. If he had a wife and kids he would never want those things from me. He wouldn't be another Gale. I wouldn't have those god awful "where is this going?" conversations. I could have exactly what I wanted.
"She's very lucky to have a handsome man like you," I replied with a smile.
I wanted to show him that I didn't care about his wife.
His grin returned. A grin that was full of possibilities.
Work was busy. There was a lot to learn and Heavensbee and Coin demanded the highest standards from their students. It was hard work but really interesting.
I got to know Peeta better over this time. Annie was right to say he was one of the most charming people in the world. He'd always come in with big smiles and cheery conversations. Everyone liked him. He'd talk golf clubs and time shares with the partners, joke about football and rugby with the students and flirt with all the women, even old Mags who was close to retiring.
He just understood people.
He knew when he had to stop being your friend and be your boss. He never shouted if you didn't get something right but he used this low and quiet tone that made his disappointment clear. You always felt guilty afterwards that you didn't do your best job.
Normally I hated that type of person. I hated all the kids in school who I felt always had a silver spoon in their mouth and got on with everyone. I found it all so fake. But with Peeta it was so genuine and sincere I couldn't help but believe it. And as a result I couldn't help but find him even more attractive.
We danced around each other at work. I knew he found me attractive. I often felt his eyes on me as he was talking to another colleague across the room. And while he flirted with all the women in the office his hand would linger on my shoulder just that moment longer as he lent over to study my work or he'd press his warm hand to the small of my back as he showed me out the room.
I took to wearing my shortest and tightest skirts. I undid a few more buttons on my blouse to get his attention. I revelled in any moment I caught him staring at my breasts or bum. I didn't care that he was married or had kids. I just wanted to discover what else that silver tongue of his could do.
4 months in and I was working late at the office. It was a Friday night and everyone else had gone home. Or so I thought.
Peeta strolled out of his office at 9 o'clock. He looked a bit shocked to see me still there. But he soon put on a sexy smile and sauntered over to me. He bent down to whisper in my ear.
"It's 9 o'clock on a Friday night. You should be out with a handsome man and having some fun," he whispered.
All the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as his soft breath hit the back of my neck. His velvety tones immediately made me wet. I twisted round in my seat to look at him. Our noses were almost touching.
"How do you plan to make that happen?" I asked.
I was so sick of playing the game. I wanted him. Badly. Even if it was right there in the office. I needed to know what it felt like to have him move inside me.
He smirked back at me.
"Leave the office. I'm taking you to dinner," he replied.
My heart thudded when I heard his words. The idea of being alone with him was thrilling.
"What about your wife? Isn't she expecting you home?" I asked.
I didn't want the prospect of her calling and him rushing away to ruin whatever might have happened that night.
"She took the boys to her parents this weekend. I don't have to be there until tomorrow lunchtime," he replied.
I laughed. She wasn't even here. I could have him for the whole night if I wanted.
"I'll grab my coat then," I replied.
I rose out of my seat and enjoyed the satisfaction of him watching my hips sway as I went.
He took me to an expensive Chinese restaurant where he spent the night feeding me various different dishes. It was easy being with him. He made sure the conversation constantly flowed but there was also this underlying sexual tension throughout the meal. He played with the tendrils of my hair. I ran my foot up his leg. I licked the sauces off his fingers. He never stopped looking at me.
I couldn't bear the tension any longer. I had never wanted a man so badly. I only hoped he wanted the same things I did.
He insisted on putting my coat on for me and his hand ran down my arm to link our fingers together as we got ready to leave.
"You said you lived in Islington. It's been a while since I have been that side of town," he said.
I don't know how he didn't hear the thumping of my heart at that point. The hidden meaning behind his words, that he wanted to come back with me, was exactly what I wanted.
I smiled at him and tugged him outside and hailed a taxi. I needed to get home quickly.
I snuggled into his side as soon as the taxi door was closed and ran a hand up his thigh. I let my fingers dance along there. He sighed and cupped my head in his hands.
"How far is it to your flat?" he asked.
"20 minutes," I replied leaning into his touch.
He groaned. We had gone past the point of no return. We both wanted each other. Nothing was going to stop us from the moment we stepped through my door. I was just mad I still had 20 minutes to wait.
Hands wandered everywhere in that taxi ride. Along thighs and underneath shirts. Soft kisses on necks but never touching the areas we wanted most. I got so wound up that it took all my will power to not mount him then and there and give the taxi driver a little show. But somehow we made it to my flat with all our clothes relatively in tack.
Peeta flung some notes at the taxi driver as we jumped out of it and I led him up to my door. I fumbled with my keys as I got distracted by the sensation of him suckling on my neck. His big hands had a strong hold on my waist and seemed to burn through the fabric of my coat. I thanked god that my flatmate was out for the night.
Eventually I got the door open and I stumbled a little in my excitement to get inside. Peeta was there to steady me and as soon as I had turned back round from closing the door his lips were on me.
I gasped at finally having his lips on me. He shrugged out of his suit jacket before pulling me flush against him and pushed me back against the wall. His tongue plunged into my mouth and engaged mine in an exotic dance. My fingers tugged on the tops of his curls as I wanted him as close as possible.
He was intoxicating. I felt like a lost traveller in the desert who had finally discovered water. After months of not being allowed to touch him I greedily lapped him all up and my hands reached out to touch every possible inch of him.
After a few minutes he spun me around and I used my hands to brace myself against the wall. I pushed my ass back into him and I was rewarded with a deep growl as I felt his erection long and hard against me.
"Take off your shirt," he demanded as his hands slid down my side to rest on my hips.
I nodded my head as I shakily took my hands off the wall and began unbuttoning my blouse. I heard Peeta slide to his knees behind me. He ran his hands over my ass and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I have dreamed about ripping this skirt off you. I have gotten myself off so many times to the thought of lifting it up and bending you over my desk," he said.
I took a deep breath as he slowly pulled down the zipper and peeled the skirt off me. I was glad I was not the only one who wanted the other so badly.
I finished unbuttoning the blouse and dropped it to the floor before stepping out of the skirt and feeling Peeta's hand caressing my butt. I was left in only my lacy white bra and matching lacy white thong.
Peeta smirked when he saw what I had on underneath my work clothes.
"This is not very sensible underwear for the workplace. Some may suggest that you wanted to seduce the boss," he said.
"Maybe I did," I replied.
Peeta chuckled, still kneeling behind me. He placed a gently kiss onto the curve of my ass cheek before slipping a finger under the waistband and tugging my underwear down. He ran a finger through my already dripping core and stood up with a satisfied smirk.
"You are so beautiful," he stated before sucking my juices off his fingers. "I wanted you from the moment I saw you."
"Then take me," I replied.
He didn't need asking twice. He rose to his feet and discarded my bra. My whole body hummed with anticipation. My clit throbbed with the need to be touched. I needed him.
I heard the thump of his trousers hitting the floor and the sound of a condom wrapper before he pulled me roughly to him, nudging my legs apart with his knee and plunging into me.
I screamed out in pleasure at finally having him inside of me. He was big. Bigger than anyone I had had before and I relished the feeling of fullness. His nails dug into my hips as he began pounding into me at rapid pace.
I was so wound up it didn't take long for my orgasm to build. His purposeful thrusts hit me in just the right spot and I may have been more embarrassed about the noises I was making if it didn't feel so god damn good.
One hand was massaging a breast, the other my clit. His lips were suckling on my neck. The sensations from stimulating so many parts of my body were too much. I couldn't control myself.
Suddenly I snapped as my orgasm ripped right through me. I arched my back into him as I rode it out and he picked up the pace. A strangled moan followed soon after as he filled the condom.
We were both left panting and breathless against the wall. He was still in his shirt and tie. Slowly I extracted myself from him and moved away further into my flat. He watched me with hooded eyes as I began making my way to my bedroom.
"Take your shirt off. This time I want to see you as you fuck me," I said.
He smiled as he strode towards me.
His hands tugged on the ends of my hair, yanking my head backwards to expose my neck to him. He leaned down to kiss the spot he knew drove me wild. His other hand had a tight hold on my hip as he used it as leverage to pound into me again and again. I grasped onto the ends of his curls as I bit my lip to stop myself letting out a loud moan. He drove into me at a frantic pace as he took me on top of his work desk.
We were supposed to be having my 9 month review meeting but I had barely closed the door behind me before he pushed me back against his desk and discarded my skirt. I did not even have time to say hello before he had pushed himself inside of me.
It was not uncommon for us to fuck at work. And as long as we did it quickly it was the easier way to hide what was going on from his wife. It became a bit of a game of who could get the other off the quickest and the thrill of the possibility of someone walking in made the sex even hotter.
I had never been with an older man before but boy did he know how to pleasure a woman. For the last 5 months he had made me come more ways than I could ever have imagined. Unlike the selfish little boys I had dated before Peeta seemed to get a kick out of seeing me come undone. He was never satisfied until he had made me come and his name fell from my lips. I had never had sex as good as this.
It wasn't always easy. If we ever wanted to meet up after work it had to be made days in advance. Often he would cancel on me last minute because one of his sons was sick or they needed extra helpers at the nursery nativity. His sons always came first.
But we always managed to squeeze in a quick fuck at work if it had been a few days. I had even gotten him off during a conference call he had after we had gone nearly a whole week without fucking.
I knew I wasn't the first girl he had cheated on his wife with. In fact I soon learned I was the latest in a long line of ex-lovers. But I didn't care. I had the relationship I wanted. Great sex without any of the expectation or commitments.
Outside of the sex we could act like completely normal human beings. No jealousies or arguments. We could joke about the various antics of members of the staff and take the piss out of each other for supporting different rugby teams. And no one knew that we were anything other than work colleagues.
As I raced towards my orgasm and Peeta's fingers reached down for my clit I couldn't help but think how I didn't need anything more. My orgasm came crashing over me hard and fast and Peeta had to lean forward to swallow my moans. He came seconds later as he slumped against me.
He rested his head against my breast as he let his breathing return back to normal. I stroked a loose curl off his face as we basked in the glow of our sex. Slowly he pulled away from me as he began to rearrange his clothing.
I watched him with a smirk as I begun buttoning up my own blouse.
"Well hello to you too," I said.
Peeta smiled and shook his head.
"Sorry. I guess I forgot to say hello when you walked in the door. I just needed to have you," he replied.
He face grew more solemn as he pushed an agitated hand through his blonde curls. I frowned at him as I hopped off the desk. Something was bothering him.
"I had dinner with my mother last night. 3 hours of my life where I felt like crap," he said after a few moments.
In the 5 months that we had been fucking I had begun to notice a pattern. The only times Peeta would ever show up unannounced at my flat were occasions after he saw his mother. I had learned pretty quickly they did not have a good relationship. From what I had gathered Mrs Mellark was not fond of children and by the time Peeta, the third of 3 boys, came along she had lost any interest. Peeta had a closer relationship with his nanny than his mother. And no matter how successful Peeta was it was never good enough for her. I was becoming to realise that after any hours spent with her Peeta always desperately searched for some sort of affection.
It was the only time I ever saw him not smiling. Part of me already hated this woman for sucking all the happiness out of this man. No one deserved to be made to feel worthless by their own mother.
I could tell the meeting with his mother was still bothering him. I suddenly wanted to take away that pain. But we would have been pushing it if we had sex again. A review meeting could only last so long.
"I know about crappy mums. My own mum emotionally checked out on my sister and me when my dad died. I essentially had to raise my little sister myself," I said.
Peeta looked up at me surprised that I shared this with him.
"I didn't know about your dad. I'm sorry," he said.
And he was. I could see that he was genuinely sad that my dad was no longer alive. I felt a strange twinge in my chest as he looked back at me, not with pity as so many people do, but empathy.
I shrugged my shoulders indifferently.
"He had a happy life. I wish it could have been longer but at least I know he had no regrets when he died," I replied.
Peeta gave me a small smile before he nodded his head in understanding.
"I hope I can say the same when I eventually go," he replied.
I smiled at him gratefully. I was glad he didn't ask more questions. Even 10 years later I found talking about my dad hard. I didn't even speak about him to Gale. I wasn't quite sure what it was that made me want to tell Peeta.
10 months after the affair started and we still hadn't tired of each other. The sex was still frequent and hot and if anyone had any suspicions about us they didn't say anything. I was now the definition of the workout that Peeta had whenever he told his wife he was at the gym. He even had a shelf of his bath products in my bathroom to make sure he didn't smell of my products when he went home.
The nights that he spent at my flat were my favourite. We could take more time and be more adventurous in our foreplay than we could at the office. My flatmate, Johanna, was really good at making herself disappear whenever he came round to fuck me into oblivion.
We had a lot of similar interests. We could spend hours debating the best line-up for the England rugby team and discussing the various fan theories of Doctor Who and Game of Thrones. He was the first person I wanted to call when I heard a new song I liked on the radio.
I just didn't need to pretend to be anyone else when I was with him. He knew my faults and I knew his. But neither of us judged each other because of them. I was completely myself around him.
I was looking forward to a work conference in Brighton. Only 3 members of our team were going and I was looking forward to a whole weekend without the prospect of his wife ringing to call him away. We had the perfect excuse.
We arrived separately but Peeta already had the champagne and strawberries out when I pushed my way into the luxury suit he had booked for us both at the hotel.
"I wish we didn't have to attend any of these seminars. I would have you in this room naked all weekend if I could," Peeta said as he came over to me and dipped his head down to give me a sultry kiss.
I smiled into it as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I've got lots of wicked things planned to do to you over this weekend," I said as I played with the collar of his shirt.
"You should see the list of all the ways I plan to make you come this weekend, Miss Everdeen. I don't want you walking straight," he replied nipping the skin below my ear.
A shiver went up my spine at his words.
"We better get started then," I replied.
Peeta smirked before he grabbed my mouth for a searing kiss.
The sex was unbelievable that weekend. I had never come so many times and in so many positions. We were both insatiable. Only stopping to attend the mandatory seminars and business dinners.
But I enjoyed just spending time with him. I enjoyed hearing him joke with the other associates and watching the London Irish rugby game with him. I like that he ribbed me for how bad my team played. I enjoyed the walk we had along Brighton Pier and the time we spent playing on the arcade games. It was nice to not have to worry about him going back to his wife.
On the Sunday morning I woke to find the other side of the bed cold and the smell of bacon. I frowned as I turned to his side of the bed, disappointed he was not there when I woke. We had eventually fallen asleep sometime after 3 and after he had made me come apart on 5 separate occasions. I was a little annoyed that he got up without me.
"Morning," he said cheerily as I stirred.
My sleepy eyes scanned the room until they found him standing shirtless with a tray of bacon, pancakes and fresh fruit. Even at 35 he still kept in great shape and the sight of him bare chested never failed to make my heart flutter with want. Immediately my frown turned into a smile as I burrowed back into the pillows and watched him bring the tray over to me.
He sat on the side of the bed and presented the tray to me.
"I thought I would order you breakfast in bed. Since I kept you up so late last night I thought it was only proper," he said with a wink.
I laughed as I sat up straighter and licked my lips at the mouth-watering display of food in front of me.
"You certainly worked up my appetite," I said with a grin.
Peeta laughed before he began explaining exactly everything he had ordered for me. My stomach rumbled at the sight.
Gale had tried to make me breakfast in bed once but I wasn't in the mood for it and grumbled about getting crumbs in the bed. But I was touched that Peeta did this for me. He had ordered all my favourite foods and I couldn't wait to tuck in. Peeta chuckled when he saw me plough straight into the pancakes and let the maple syrup dribble down my chin. He leaned forward to wipe it off my chin and I couldn't stop myself from leaning into his touch.
We enjoyed breakfast together as he boasted about how his rugby team had thrashed the opposition yesterday while mine had suffered a humiliating feet. I scowled and pretended to be upset about it but inside loved the playful banter we had.
I polished off every last bite of that breakfast until I wasn't hungry for food any more. I licked away the last crumbs around my mouth and leaned in closer to Peeta until our noses were almost touching.
"Thank you for breakfast," I said. "How will I ever repay you?"
Peeta smiled as his hand made its way up to caress my cheek.
"I can think of a few ways," he replied as he pulled my lips up to meet his in a slow kiss.
My body's reaction to him was instant. Immediately the tingling from his touch coursed through my body and I could feel the heat already beginning to pool in my belly. He slowly lowered me back down onto the bed and my legs instantly parted to let him in.
My fingers trailed down his spine before they made their way down past the waistband of his boxers and I gave his ass a gentle squeeze. Peeta hissed against my lips before pulling them away to begin to plant a trail of kisses along my body.
He kissed every inch of exposed skin. He took my dark nipple in his mouth and played with it until I was whimpering with want. He picked up my foot and placed a kiss on the ankle before starting his trail up my leg.
He first made me fall apart with his fingers. Then his mouth before finally plunging into me.
I let out a sigh of relieved joy as he began to move inside of me. It was a lot slower than it normally was. My legs were wrapped around his hips to let me control the pace. He was in so deep and I relished the feeling of fullness. His blue stare pinned me to that mattress and I didn't dare look anywhere other than him.
It was slow and sweet and my orgasm built steadily. I didn't want to come and then lose the feel of him in me. The weekend had been perfect. I couldn't stop looking at him. I didn't want to leave.
It continued to build and build until it felt like I was going to burst. I felt everything in that moment. My emotions were simmering on the surface. It became so overwhelming that I struggled to breathe.
As my orgasm came crashing over me there was only one thought running through my head.
I love you.
The thought was so unexpected that I pulled away quickly after it was over.
I couldn't love him. I promised myself that I would never love him. Never love anyone.
Seconds later his phone ran and he reached over to read the caller ID. After seeing it he hit the answer button and got off the bed.
"Hey, Buddy! What have you been up to? Daddy misses you," he said.
My heart plummeted. His eyes lit up as he talked to one of his sons. As I watched him move to take the call in bathroom I realised that I was screwed.
Against everything I believed in I had fallen for him. It hurt to hear him speak to his son. Hurt to know he was going back to his wife. Hurt to know I could never have anything more.
I was in so much trouble.
I tried to keep my distance from him after that. I knew I shouldn't be in love with him. He was married. Had kids that he adored. And I didn't want the drama falling in love brought with it. The sensible thing would have been to end it then and there and stay away from men for a while.
I ignored texts and only went to him at work if I had a work related question. I forced myself to stop thinking about him when I went home at night.
But then he would smile at me and all my resolve crumbled. I was in deeper than I thought imaginable. It was magnetic. The way I was drawn to him. And I hated it. Hated how he made me weak. And vulnerable.
But I loved the way he made me laugh more. And I couldn't stop myself. So I bit my lip and pretended that nothing was different. That it was still the casual relationship we always had.
Although I noticed a shift in our sex lives. There were still times when it was hot, sticky and rough but there were also more times when we'd take it slow and enjoy the softer pleasures. The word made love even began to appear in my brain after he took me languidly and sweetly while watching me the whole time. I had never made love before.
It was during our love making that I found it most difficult to stop myself from blurting out my real feelings. I felt so connected to him in those moments. I could feel everything. Every inch of him as he moved inside of me. Every emotion as he stared deep into my eyes and kissed me until I was breathless. I was used to having to bite my lip to stop myself being heard but now it was for a very different reason.
It all became too much for me during a night he came round after a mate's birthday party. He was planning to tell his wife that he got so drunk he ended up crashing at a friend's house in order to not disturb the boys.
We were going to have the whole night together and I savoured every moment as I straddled his lap and rode him at a leisurely pace. One of his hands gripped my waist tightly while the other snaked up the side of my neck to cup my cheek and lock me in place. Our foreheads were pressed together as he swept his thumb across my cheek occasionally to engage me in a sensual kiss.
My eyes were locked on to his, his pupils big and thick with lust, as I watched him come undone from beneath me. His thumb continued to draw gentle patterns across my neck as he looked at me with a tenderness that wasn't there when we first started doing this.
My emotions were all bubbling on top of the surface as we continued this slow dance. I had never experienced anything so intimate with a man. I had never felt such intensity as my emotions continued to brew beneath the surface. I was transfixed by him and always wanted him by my side.
I couldn't take it any longer. As my orgasm built slowly but powerfully all my emotions came erupting through the surface. As we reached our peaks together I was powerless to stop the words tumbling from my lips.
"I love you."
He froze. Looking at me with shocked and confused eyes. My eyes went wide as I realised what I just said. He stared at me in shock for a long time as the panic began to rise in my chest. I hadn't meant to say it.
After what seemed like hours he pulled away from me and turned his back as he bent down to pick up his discarded clothes.
"I'd better get back. Jamie is having really bad nightmares at the moment and I should be there if he wakes up," he stated all without looking at me.
Fear rose in my chest at the thought of ruining whatever it was we had. He dressed quickly. It was clear he was uncomfortable and couldn't wait to leave. I didn't imagine it could hurt so much to see him go.
I sat on the bed still naked as I watched him hurry to leave. I didn't say anything in fear of screwing things up further.
Finally he turned to look at me after he pulled on his jacket. He hesitated slightly before stepping towards me, unsure of how to say goodbye.
"I'll see you at work on Monday," he said before he bent down to place a kiss on my forehead.
I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean it. That he means nothing to me. That nothing was going to change but my heart wouldn't let me say the words. Not when all of that would have been a lie.
He pulled away quickly and let himself out leaving me alone in my bedroom.
I was right to fear my confession would ruin our relationship. He stayed away from me at work, getting other people to give me the jobs he normally would. I was lucky if I saw him walking in the hallways.
I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter. That it was best it had ended. Nothing good would have come out of being with him. I didn't need to be in love.
But I couldn't deny the pain in my heart when he swept past me in the office without a second glance.
And to make the situation worse he decided now was the time to show the world what a perfect husband he was. He would come in every Monday morning with tales of family trips to Lego Land and romantic evenings spent at the theatre with his wife. He invited her round to the office more so he could show her off and take her out for lunch.
All the women in the office would ohh and aww at his sweet gestures while all the men slapped him on the back and declared he made them all look bad. Peeta took it all in his stride with a smile and just the briefest glance in my direction to check if I was listening.
"We had the most delicious meal on this boat on the Seine. Oysters, champagne and candlelight. I couldn't have picked a more romantic setting. I booked her in for a full body massage and cleanse beforehand. Madge has just had such a hard time lately with all the boys getting chicken pox. I thought she deserved a bit of spoiling. It was one of the best weekend breaks we've ever had," he declared as he showed Annie the photos from the trip.
"You are too good to be true. I wish Finnick would whisk me away to Paris for the weekend. Unfortunately for me his idea of a romantic date is making me beans on toast," Annie sighed.
Peeta smiled as he carried on chatting about this charming patisserie they found and their trip up the Eifel Tower.
I tried to block it out. I didn't want to hear it even if the whole thing to me seemed to scream "I've just had an affair and now I feel guilty!" He was shoving his perfect blonde wife in my face and reminding me that he didn't need me. That he already had someone who loved him unconditionally.
It hurt. To hear him talk about her like that. But the worse thing was he knew he was hurting me. That was his plan. His plan to punish me for being stupid enough to fall in love with him.
I pushed my chair back sharply and everyone stopped gushing about his weekend away at the abrupt nose. I turned and left the room before I did something stupid like cry.
I sensed him before I saw him. The moment he walked into the room the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I hated how much an affect he had on me. My whole being was tuned in with his. I was always aware of where he was in a room and couldn't stop my heart from picking up whenever he was near.
I ignored him as he made his way into the room. I was busy photocopying a set of accounts and did not want to face him. Not after his Paris display earlier.
He didn't saying anything at first as he began rearranging a pile of papers in the corner. But then all of a sudden the photocopier jammed and began making these loud beeping noises.
"Damn it!" I declared as I banged the side of the machine in frustration.
Peeta was behind me in an instant as he came to my aid. He pressed his front against my back as he leaned forward to pop open the lid and remove the jammed paper. I cursed the jolt of energy through my body at the feel of his body against mine after 2 long months.
"Don't hit it. It has feelings too," he said jokingly.
I huffed as I turned round to give him an angry glare.
"I don't need your stupid comments. I can fix it myself," I said.
I was in no mood for his jokes.
His face grew solemn at my angry tone.
"Come on, Katniss. Don't be like this. We're friends," he said.
I scoffed and shook my head. I couldn't believe he was pulling this on me. I fucked up. I knew it. And I was paying the consequences but I didn't need his "let's be friends" speech.
"No. You don't get to say that to me. Not after you have been parading your wife in front of me these past 2 months," I replied.
Peeta looked stunned by my outburst. He just assumed I would roll over and do as he said. But stubbornness had always been my worst trait.
We stood only inches apart. His arms had me trapped in front of the photocopier. It was the closest we had been in weeks and I wasn't going to waste an opportunity to tell my side of the story.
"I know I fucked up. I know I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. But I was stupid enough to let myself. You can try and punish me all you like for doing that, but believe me, you are not punishing me as hard as I am punishing myself. I hate myself for doing it. It is against everything I believe and I hate the pain it has brought me. So do me a favour and stop showcasing your perfect wife in front of me. I'm punishing myself hard enough as it is already," I said.
He furrowed his eyebrows at the end of my little speech and leaned in closer to me.
"Do you think this is easy for me? To see you every day at work and not talk to you? To not touch you?" he replied lifting his hand up to caress my cheek.
My eyelids fluttered closed briefly at the feel of the familiar and intimate gesture. I had missed him so much. It would have been so easy to give into him right then and let him in again. But I couldn't. The whole situation was too fucked up. He didn't feel the same.
I jerked my head away from him and I could see the hurt in his eyes. That just confused me. Why was he saying these things now? What had changed to make him want me again?
"No, Peeta. You don't get to do this to me. You chose your wife. Just leave me alone," I stated a lot more firmly than I felt.
He looked at me with sad eyes as I pried myself away from him and fled the room.
I tried hard to hold back the tears as I plonked back down at my desk. He didn't deserve my tears.
A few minutes later an email alert came up on my computer. It was from him and I was curious about what else he had to say to me.
Katniss,
I love you too.
Peeta
My heart skipped a beat. In that moment I knew I was a goner.
"How often do you have sex with Madge?" I asked.
We were lying on my bed, the sheets tangled round our legs and my head against his chest. His fingers were in my hair as he ran it through his fingers and gently massaged my scalp. We had just spent the last 2 hours making each other come undone on several occasions and were enjoying the peace the moments after our loving making brought with it.
But there was always this nagging thought at the back of my head.
His fingers stopped their movements and he let out a small laugh.
"We've become one of those old marriage clichés. We only do it on my birthday and our anniversary," he replied.
I let out a sigh of relief. The image of them together made my stomach churn.
There had been no going back after I received that email. I couldn't deny him when I knew he felt the same. It was enough to know that I was the one he craved. That I was the one he sought out for comfort. I pushed aside the hurt I felt whenever he put his sons first and the jealousy I felt on the rare occasions I saw him and his wife together and accepted it was as good as I was going to get from him.
I had become possessive over him. I liked to think of him as mine. I didn't want to share the sexual part of our relationship with anyone. I was pleased that I was the only one who was giving him sexual satisfaction.
Peeta turned me so that I was looking up at him. He stroked the side of my face as he looked down at me seriously.
"I don't want you to be jealous of her. You are the only one I want in that way. I have never felt this way when I have been with a woman. Not even when I first started dating Madge. It is your face I see when I am with her. It is you I love," he said passionately.
I looked back at him with a sweet smile.
"Good," I replied.
"Madge is pregnant," Peeta stated.
It felt like my heart had dropped out of my stomach as I sat opposite him in his office. 2 years we had been having this affair and I had not expected to hear those words leave his lips.
"When did you find out?" I asked dazed.
"Yesterday. She's a couple of weeks gone," he replied.
It felt like all the air had been knocked out of me and I had to concentrate on my breathing. This couldn't have happened. I shook my head furiously from side to side, disbelieving that this could be true.
"No," I said. "You said that you only slept together on your birthday and your anniversary. Forgive me if I am wrong but your birthday was 3 months ago and you anniversary isn't for another 6 weeks. How exactly did you make a baby?"
I heard the hysteria rise in my voice. He had lied to me. He had been having us both for God knows how long and it made me feel sick and angry.
He looked at me apologetically.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I hated him for that look. He shouldn't have done it.
"She isn't happy with the 3 you already have? Why do you need another one?" I replied angrily.
"She is determined to give me a girl. She's my wife. What would you have me do?" he said.
"Said no!" I screamed. "Tell her you didn't want a girl. That you didn't want any more children! Gone and had a vasectomy! Anything other than cave to her needs."
"You are not being fair," he stated coolly.
"I'm not being fair? I don't ask you for much. I don't ask you to leave your wife for me. Or miss out on key moments in your sons' life. All I ask it that it is me you make love to. Me that you share that part of yourself with," I replied.
"You are being unreasonable. You knew what you were getting into when we started this," he said.
"I didn't sign up for getting hurt by you again and again. Do you even understand how much you are hurting me right now? I can't even look at you. You disgust me," I said before I turned my back to him.
The tears threatened to fall from the corners of my eyes. I sniffed loudly as I harshly wiped away the moisture leaking from my eyes.
Peeta was not stupid enough to try and comfort me. He knew I would push him away.
"I'm taking the rest of the day off. Say I have a stomach bug. I don't want to be near you," I said.
"Okay," he said dejectedly.
He wasn't going to fight me on this.
I sniffed loudly again, took a deep breath to compose myself and fled the room.
I sat stewing in my anger on the tube ride back to my flat. I couldn't believe he had betrayed me in this way. The image of him being with her filled my thoughts. Did he kiss her like he kissed me? Did her name fall from his lips when he came? I hated him for it all.
I slammed the door of my flat behind me when I returned home. I was so angry at him. I grabbed a nearby vase and threw it across the room in frustration with a scream. I grabbed at the ends of my hair as the pain in my chest intensified. It engulfed me and I slid down the side of the wall as I let the sobs wrack my body.
It's why I shouldn't have fallen in love with him. He had the power to break me just like my father's death broke my mother.
Slowly the sobs stopped and I was left with the numb pain of his betrayal. I got up to go to the bathroom and wash my face. I was still angry at him but didn't know what to do.
I hated him for making me feel this way. He had all the control in the relationship and this just led me to being hurt time and time again. I hated him for it. I wanted him to feel some of the pain I was feeling. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to regain some control.
I used a hand towel to dry my face after I had splashed some water on it. As I pulled the towel away from my face I noticed my birth control pills resting by the sink.
I hung up the towel and picked up the packet. I turned it round in my hand for a few moments as a thought formed in my head.
Suddenly I knew exactly how to hurt him. What would cause him the greatest pain.
One by one I popped each pill out of the packet and flushed them down the toilet.
I placed the pregnancy test in front of him on his desk. He had been busy reading a report but his eyes were immediately drawn to the plastic stick in front of him.
"I took this this morning. Congratulations. You are going to be a father again," I said.
"Is this some kind of joke?" he asked.
"This isn't April Fools' day," I replied.
"Shit," he cursed.
He reached for the test to take a closer look at it. He shook his head in disbelief as he saw the blue plus sign. I could see his thoughts running a mile a minute as he saw his perfect world begin to crash down around him.
"You are on the pill. How the fuck did you let this happen?" he demanded.
"The pill isn't always a hundred per cent effective. And it took two of us to make this baby. I didn't fuck myself," I replied angrily.
I didn't like being accused. My natural defence mechanisms came up. I didn't need to defend myself against him. Even if I wasn't being entirely honest.
"Fuck," he swore again. "You don't even want kids. That's why this thing works between us. This can't happen."
Immediately I placed a protective hand over my stomach.
"I'm not getting an abortion. My child is just as important as all the blonde spawn your wife pops out," I said.
"Fuck, Katniss! This is the worst thing that could have happened. What do you expect me to do with this? You are putting me in an impossible situation!" he exclaimed.
He was clearly agitated. He was out of his chair and pacing round the room. He fisted his hands in his hair and tugged on his curls. I had to try hard to hide my smile.
This is exactly how I wanted him to feel. For the first time he had lost control of the situation. I had forced his hand and he didn't know how to deal with it. I relished having the power again. I hadn't had it since the first time I blurted out "I love you" over a year ago.
"You got yourself in this situation. I didn't force you to have an affair with me. I didn't force you to fall in love with me. Don't blame me for this. And certainly don't blame your defenceless child who hasn't even had the chance to do anything wrong," I replied.
Peeta stopped his pacing and stared at me with cold eyes.
"Get out. I can't deal with this now," he said.
It hurt to hear the coldness in his voice. Even though I had done this to hurt him I still loved him. There was part of me that wanted him to sweep me in his arms and shower me with kisses as he told me how happy he was that we were going to have a baby. I hated that he just dismissed me.
My pride stopped me from arguing any longer. I turned and walked out the door. I knew he couldn't ignore this. Once the shock had worn off he'd be back begging for my forgiveness. Peeta had many faults but loving his children wasn't one of them. I knew he wouldn't be able to stay away from his child. Not when he loved his children more than anything else in the world.
It didn't take long for him to coming begging on my doorstep. Later that evening he turned up with a strawberry cupcake and apologetic smile.
"I'm sorry," he said as I let him in. "I just wasn't expecting it. We have been so careful. But you have to know I would never ask you to get an abortion. I could never kill my own child."
He stepped towards me and placed a protective hand over my abdomen. I smiled back at him as he began rubbing my belly. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist his child. I knew he would come back to me.
His other hand wound up the side of my neck to cup my cheek and tilted my head up to force me to look at him.
"In another life discovering you are pregnant would be the best news imaginable. I love you so much. And I'll love this baby. But things are so complicated. I'll have to try and figure how this is going to work," he said.
I could see the torment in his eyes. He wanted to be there for this baby. Be the best father he could be and spoil it rotten. But he also wanted to be there for the 3 children he already had. He didn't want to leave them and the other child he had on the way. He loved them equally as much.
Peeta was a great father. He read his sons stories every night and cheered them on at Christmas concerts and mini rugby practices. He was the type of Dad that wanted to be with his children at every possible opportunity.
But no matter what was going to happen he was going to have to spend time away from at least one of his children. He couldn't have them all together under one roof. He was going to have to choose and I knew that decision was killing him. I knew it was going to when I stopped taking my birth control pills. I knew the easiest way to hurt him was through his children.
I tried to act sympathetic towards his plight but internally I was gleeful that he was now feeling some of the pain he had caused me.
"I will work something out. I want this baby. I will be there as much as I can. At every scan. Every antenatal class. I'll make sure our child has all the love it needs," he said resting his forehead against mine.
I smiled back at him.
"I want you here. I want my baby to have its father. I want you to stay with me," I said.
Peeta smiled as he swept a gentle thumb across my cheek.
"Always," he replied.
I stood rubbing a soothing hand over my 16 week pregnant belly. It was the annual office Christmas party and I felt bloated and nauseous. I didn't want to be there. I couldn't enjoy the party. Not when I couldn't touch alcohol and needed to pee every 20 minutes.
And then of course she was there.
I had met his wife on a few occasions. At various fundraising dinners and office parties. But I had always been good at staying away from her. I didn't need to know the details of her "perfect" life with Peeta.
She was one of those stay at home mums that would spend her Sundays teaching the children how to bake and spend hours researching recipes online just to make her husband the perfect steak. She was always offering tips to the other women at the office on how to be the best wife and mother. I took satisfaction in knowing that her life wasn't as perfect as it seemed.
She had spent the night being the good wife and making small chat with the various work colleagues at the party. Her golden blonde hair had been professionally styled into an elegant top knot and the navy, empire waist dress perfectly showed off her perfectly round 5 and a half month pregnant belly. All the women would touch and fawn over her belly while the men all congratulated her and politely asked when she was due.
Much like Peeta she knew how to work a crowd.
Peeta had intermittently been at her side throughout the night. My heart would clench whenever I saw him beside her with an arm wrapped around her waist and a loving hand caressing her belly. The sight made me feel nauseous.
I had spent most of the party at the back watching Peeta and Madge as they navigated the party while I stuffed myself on the tiny h'ordeurves. Few people came up to ask me about the baby. I had put the story round at work that the baby was a result of a one night stand and the father was not in the picture. People were shocked at first but soon learned that I didn't like to talk about it. Most people stayed away as a result.
But unfortunately Mrs Mellark spotted me at the back and smiled at me broadly when she saw me rubbing my stomach. She was coming towards me before I had a chance to escape.
"Hello. You're on Peeta's team aren't you? I have seen you at these things before. I'm Peeta's wife, Madge. And you are Katniss, if I am not mistaken," she said.
I gulped down the bit of salmon I had been eating as she stuck out her hand for me to shake. Reluctantly I reached out to accept it. Speaking with her was the last thing I wanted.
"Peeta didn't tell me you were pregnant. That's men I suppose. They don't see the importance of sharing information like that," she said.
I didn't tell her that I didn't see the importance of it either. We weren't friends. The only things I knew about her were what her husband told me. She didn't need to know what was happening in my private life.
"How far along are you? I've just gone 20 weeks. This little guy has decided it is time to use my bladder as a chew toy!" she joked.
I gave her a weak smile.
"16 weeks," I replied.
I didn't want to expand. If she sensed my reluctance to share information she was more likely to go away. Instead she smiled at me broadly.
"Our children will only be a few weeks apart! They can be the best of friends!" she exclaimed.
I gave her a forced smile. I didn't tell her that they would be more than friends. They would be siblings.
"Do you know what you are having? We're having another boy. I really wanted to give Peeta a girl. He really wants a little girl he can spoil rotten but we will have to settle for another rambunctious boy," she said.
She was still smiling but I could see the hint of sadness in her eyes. I knew from talking with Peeta she was desperate for a girl and had been really disappointed when the scan results showed they would be getting their fourth boy.
"I don't know. I guess I want a surprise," I replied.
Madge smiled again and nodded her head.
"Is this your first child?" she asked.
I nodded my head.
"Well then if you have any questions you have to come to me. I've experienced it all and know all the stuff that is really important for a baby. We must meet up for lunch and I can take you shopping. I know all the best places!" she exclaimed like this was a wonderful idea.
I laughed a little awkwardly. I had to stop myself from blurting out that her husband was having an affair with me. That this was his child. That he was in love with me. Anything to get her to shut up about all she knew.
I told her I would think about it before making my excuses to go to the toilet. I needed to get away from her.
He found me on my way back from the toilet. The corridor was deserted and he looked at me with concerned eyes.
"I'm so sorry about Madge. I have tried to keep my eye on her all night but she slipped away from me," he said as he stepped towards me and touched my cheek.
"It was one of the strangest conversations of my life. The whole time I kept thinking, you shouldn't be talking to me. I'm the woman fucking your husband," I replied.
"Don't describe us like that. It's way more than just fucking. I love you. I wish it was you on my arm. Do you know how hard it is for me to play ignorant about your pregnancy? I want nothing more to stand on the table and declare you and the baby as mine," he said.
I smiled but knew he would never do it. He still had his other family to think about.
"I hate seeing you with her. She has what I want," I replied.
Peeta smiled at me sympathetically.
"Remember it is you I love. I can't wait to meet our little one and be a family," he said.
I didn't ask him how we could be a family if he was still with his wife. For all that I said that I didn't want love or marriage or kids, now I was pregnant there was nothing I wanted more. I may have planned this baby to hurt Peeta but I had been surprised just how fiercely I loved this child already. I knew I would die for it and do everything in my power to make it happy. And I wanted Peeta by my side to help me achieve that.
His hand reached out to caress my slightly swollen stomach. He smiled sweetly as his hands continued to rub across my stomach. When he looked back up at me all I could see was the love he had for me and the baby.
For while it hurt to see him stroke his wife's belly lovingly, he never looked at her the way he looked at me. He loved the baby growing inside her stomach but not her. She may have his last name, his sons and his house but I had his love.
Ivy Everdeen was born early on the 3rd of June, a whole 11 days late and 4 weeks after her half brother, Max. Peeta pretended he had an out of town work conference so he could be there for her birth. He was beside me as I gripped onto his hand so tightly I left bruises and screamed at him for doing this to me. He was beside me kissing the side of my head and whispering words of encouragement as I pushed our daughter into the world. He was there to cut her umbilical cord and wipe the tears from my eyes when I held my daughter for the first time.
She weighed 7lb and 4oz and had a shock of dark hair. I knew most babies' eyes were blue but already I knew they would turn the same brilliant sapphire shade as her father's. She was so tiny with her 10 little fingers and ten little toes. The surge of love I felt for her once she stopped crying and looked up at me with big blue eyes was indescribable. I knew I would go to the ends of the earth for her.
I woke afterwards to overhear Peeta talking to our daughter. His eyes had beamed with pride as Ivy entered the world. He may have already had 4 other children but it didn't stop the pin prick of tears to gather in the corners of his eyes.
This was his first girl and I couldn't hide the smugness I felt that I was able to give him that. That I was able to do what his wife had not and give him the little girl he had always wanted.
"I love you so much already," he said to her. "I'm going to spoil your rotten. Take you to your first ballet lesson and play dress up with you. And I am going to scare off every boy that comes within 2 meters of you. You are not going to be allowed to date until you are at least 30. You're going to be a daddy's girl as long as possible. I know it will be hard for you. You are beautiful just like your mummy and you'll have all the guys chasing you."
I opened my eyes to see Peeta sat in the chair by my bed and holding Ivy in his arms. The little girl was staring up at her father with rapt attention. It seemed he had managed to charm her just as easily as he had charmed me.
"30 is a bit harsh," I said sitting up and leaning over to them.
Peeta broke his gaze from our daughter to give me a warm smile.
"I thought I was being very generous. No boy is ever going to be good enough for her anyway," he joked.
I smiled and rested my head against his shoulder as we both went back to watching our daughter. I had never felt so contented. For a brief moment it felt like we were a proper family.
I was allowed to leave the hospital after the next day. Peeta had spent the night at my house setting up for our return and spent the day fussing over both Ivy and I. Our relationship had never felt as normal as it did those 2 days. I could pretend that we were just a boyfriend and girlfriend who were in love and enjoying being new parents. I didn't think about Madge.
I was looking forward to getting Ivy home. There I could really start my life with her and get to grips with motherhood. I knew Peeta would have to go back at some point but I didn't want to think about that until it happened.
He held the door open for me as I stepped inside with Ivy in her car seat and put her down on the table. He brought in the bags while my housemate, Johanna, came over to coo at Ivy.
"You did good, Brainless. She's pretty cute," she said.
"That's because she is not scowling like her mother," Peeta said as he came in and put an arm around me.
I turned to give him a scowl and Johanna laughed.
"Yeah. This must have been what Katniss looked like without the frown lines," Johanna replied.
Peeta grinned. I pouted, annoyed that they were making fun of me.
Peeta leaned in to give me a kiss on the side of my head.
"I happen to love that scowl," he whispered and I felt myself soften as a result.
Peeta always knew the right thing to say.
Johanna left us soon after and we began settling Ivy in.
A couple of hours later and she was sleeping soundly in her cot. Peeta and I watched her peacefully. However Peeta pulled away from me and started to move towards the door.
"I better get going. I promised Jamie I would make it to his sports day," he said.
I spun round to look at him.
"You are not staying? It's Ivy's first day home," I said.
I thought I had more time with him. I thought I would get this one day. I was still scared that I didn't know what I was doing. That I was going to mess up. I needed him.
"I've been gone 3 days. I need to get back or Madge will get suspicious," he replied.
"It is just one more night. She gets all the other ones. Why can't you stay?" I said.
He looked at me sadly.
"Don't make this harder on me. It's killing me to leave you both right now. I'd love nothing more than to stay with you both but I can't let my son down," he said.
A sudden realisation hit me. No matter how much he loved me and Ivy he was always going to choose Madge and his sons over us. Choose his real family. I was stupid to think anything else would have happened.
"This is how it is always going to be isn't it? Sneak in a couple of hours with us before you go back to your real family. We are always just going to be your dirty little secret," I said bitterly.
"Don't say that," he said.
I turned my back on him and reached into Ivy's cot.
"Just go. I don't want to keep you from your real family," I said.
He stood in the doorway for a few moments before turning and leaving. I had to blink back the tear that threatened to fall as I heard the door shut behind him.
I spent the night being woken every 2 hours by Ivy. I was exhausted and couldn't stop my mind from replaying my last conversation with Peeta. He had texted later to ask how Ivy was but I just ignored it. For the first time I realised what it meant to have a child with him.
Ivy was never going to come first. No matter how much he loved her, she was only going to get secret visits from him. Probably no more than an hour or two at a time. She was always going to be kept in the background, out of sight for the majority of the time. My daughter deserved more than that. She deserved a father that was always going to be there for her no matter what. She deserved a father who was proud to call her his own.
It wasn't fair that Madge's children got all that. Ivy was as much his child as they were. It wasn't fair that they got the majority of his time. I wanted my daughter to have her equal share. She was not going to be his secret.
The next morning after I fed Ivy I sat down and picked up the phone. I dialled the number carefully and waited as it ran a few times before someone answered. I took a deep breath before speaking.
"Mrs Mellark? It's Katniss Everdeen. We met at the Christmas party…."